You Know Who I Am

One of my older pieces from my early years of college.

 

He watched her as she watched them. How they carried on with their lives, not a week after it happened. That was her best friend. That was somebody’s girlfriend. Somebody else’s other best friend. How could they be this cold?

 

“Ok, I’ll meet you at your house. Bring Super Mario, ok?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

“Hey, April, aren’t you coming?” He watched her with her piercing light brown eyes. That dark look was there ever since…it happened.

 

“April, get over it, come on. It’s not that huge of a deal,” one of the girls said with authority clear in her voice.

 

“Come on, get with the program. Stop moping around.” She stared at each and every one of them, as if validating if they truly were heartless.

 

“She’s dead. That’s life. Move on.” She walked up to the group, and looked at each of them right in the eyes before she summed everything up in one phrase.

 

“You unimaginable b******s.” She turned on her heel and left the room, slamming the door in back of her. He felt his heart wrench. True, she was now becoming this cold, bitter person, different from the loving and understanding woman he once knew. But that woman was in there somewhere, buried under layers of ice that death brought…

 

And if somebody doesn’t save her, she will die from the cold, he thought determinedly to himself. Grabbing his keys and wallet, he began to speed walk to the door, following in her fading wake. The toughest of the girls in the group put her hands on her hips indignantly.

 

“Where are you going?” He looked them all straight in the eyes, the way she did. But allowing his eyes to do all the talking, his lips and tongue remained still.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

It was starting to get dark by the time April left. So when he reached the beach, it was already dark. The yellow, blunt glow from the street lights above provided some guide for him as he walked onto the sidewalk that lined the hill, overlooking the beach. He could barely make out the shape of the waves, signaled otherwise by the white, foamy edges. He sighed. This was a huge beach- how was he going to find this one woman in the midst of it all?

 

He saw her aqua green car parked, and it looked as if her meter read that she was allotted a few more hours there. The beach was empty- maybe finding her wouldn’t be so hard after all.

 

He had begun to start walking when he noticed that there was a dark blur on the beach sand. He came a few more steps towards it, and realized it was lifeless, and that there was once life in it. He recognized the black shirt she was wearing that day, as well as the faded jeans. But he also noticed two unfamiliar things- two blue-green objects that when he looked long enough, realized it was something that certainly belonged to a woman…

 

She stepped out of the waves, her dark hair clinging to her back. The water dripped down her body, almost inviting him to come closer to her. He could see the way her breasts were perfectly rounded, and were not monstrously huge and yet enough for a man to hold…her stomach was not the most perfect thing he had seen, nor her thighs, but her calves were perfectly carved; something he had never truly noticed about her. Even though she was not perfect…she moved with such a grace that allowed him to see what she was really like beneath it all.

 

Seeing her naked like this was a new experience. But it reminded him of all the things she was to him- bitter, angry, begrudging, impatient, stubborn, old-fashioned, overly-sensitive, naïve, hurt and scared. But even with all of that, she was still smart, sweet, caring, loving to the furthest extent she could reach, sacrificing, bright, lively, full of tolerance (to whom she saw it was appropriate to show it to), generous, empathetic, sympathetic, big hearted, decent, strong, deep, intuitive, philosophical, trusting, and forgiving. He could go on forever with her ups and downs. But it was clear to him- this was April. This was the April that only he had actually glimpsed at, the April nobody wanted to see the whole of; this was April.

 

He watched her as she came to her mound of clothes, but stepping on the ice plants betrayed his presence. She looked up, still naked, and stared back in terror. After emitting a scream of surprise and horror, she ran for the nearest building, and hid behind it. He could still hear her hyperventilating and trying desperately to dress herself. He poked his head around the corner to see her in just her panties, and trying to cover her chest.

 

“What in hell are you doing?!”

 

“I came looking for you,” he said, sheepishly. “I thought you were going to do something stupid.” He cringed at the words he unwisely chose.

 

“STUPID?! I wasn’t doing anything stupid! I just went for a swim to ease my nerves, is that against the law?!”

 

“Swimming naked at a public beach is!”

 

“So sue me! Then f*****g sue me…” April still wasn’t fully dressed, but she sank, dropping her shirt to the ground, and covering herself with her arms as she buried her head to cry. He came closer to her, hesitantly, as if she were going to attack him.

 

“April…talk to me. Please. It’s ok, it’s me, I won’t hurt you. Please?” April let her soaked hair cover her tear-streaked eyes in shame, but took a deep sigh.

 

“Do you know what it’s like to see your best friend in the hospital? Do you know what it’s like, sitting there in the hospital, trying to assure everybody close to her that she’s going to be ok? And then the next thing you know, the doctor comes out and tells you she’s dead as a doornail? And then everyone expects you to be the strong one. Be the crying shoulder. Provide the words of comfort. Tell everybody it’s going to be ok. And then the second you shed a tear, they tell you to be a man about it? Nobody cares. Nobody. F*****g. Cares.” He closed his eyes. Hurt, indeed.

 

“April, listen-”

 

“It’s true!” she screamed, her arms flailing in the air and forgetting that she wasn’t properly covered. “Didn’t you see those heartless b******s in there? They were the ones I ended up comforting, and the minute it looks as if my heart is going to break YET again, the only thing, SHE,” for a lack of a better word to say, “tells me, ‘it’s not that huge of a deal’. Not that huge of a deal, huh?! My best friend is DEAD! And nothing can bring her back!” More tears rained from the brown clouds of her eyes, and once again, he attempted to hold her.

 

“April-”

 

“You know what? I’m glad she’s dead. Yeah, I am. Because then she wouldn’t have to be here, on earth, finding out later what f*****g b******s they all are! They don’t care that’s she’s gone. Not even that man who said she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with! And you know what? I caught him, the other night, hanging around with some w****s, off, having a good time! And I get to go home, and tell her…excuse of a best friend how she can get through this. And then the next day, that cheating son of a b***h comes up to me, telling me how horrible he feels now that’s she gone. Yeah, he’s feeling horrible because he drank the night away, and fucked some w***e who wouldn’t give a crap if he died the next morning and burned in hell! And I certainly hope he does! Him, and the rest of those b******s!” She wailed to the sky, as if screaming were going to bring her best friend back. Throwing all caution (and common sense) to the wind, he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her mildly.

 

“April! Get a hold of yourself! I know you’re angry, but you can’t dish your anger on everybody!” She broke out of his grip.

 

“I HAVEN’T! This was the first time I’ve come out with any of this, and nobody cares! I’ll bet they’d do the same to me if I died tomorrow…” He held her close to his chest, rubbing her back to ease some of the built up tension in her body.

 

“April…people do care about her. And people do care about you. Like me. People mourn in their own ways. Yeah, they’re out partying, and expecting you to pity them. True, they don’t seem to care. But how do you know? Her boyfriend…how do you know he’s not just trying to erase the pain her death has caused? It’s not right, that’s true. But that could be his way of mourning. Don’t be so quick to judge.” She continued to weep, covering herself now. He lifted her chin to face him.

 

“And don’t think nobody in this world cares about you. Why did I follow you if I didn’t care? When I said I thought you were doing something foolish? I wasn’t doing that to make you look stupid or anything. I came after you because you showed all those people love, and now I’m showing you love. I’m showing it because you need it, more than ever, and more than they do. They’re not mourning the same way you are, and that may mean that they don’t mourn her the way you are. It looks as though you’re the only one who valued her life on earth. But she wouldn’t want to see you like this, would she? No. She would do what I’m doing. Make sure you’re ok, wipe your tears when you cry, show you that you’re cared for loved. That’s why you had her. And that’s why you have me. I’m here, April. I know that I can’t always be there when you hurt. But the minute you see me again, you can tell me how much you’re hurting, and the amount of pain you feel, I will repay you with love tenfold. That is the true power of love. The power of love I know you’d give them. How does it feel to be loved the way you love?” She was silent. She hadn’t made a move since he forced her to look into his eyes.

 

“You’re not used to people caring for you like this. You never give them the chance. You don’t give me the chance. And I finally have you vulnerable like this. And this is the only way I can heal you. How do you feel? Do you feel better? Are you uncomfortable? April?” It was then that her eyes once again filled with tears, but something in her eyes melted his heart into the wax drops of tears in his own eyes.

 

“You are a saint,” she whispered. “You know who I am. You’re the only one who does. I feel good. I stick by what I said. I’m glad she’s dead. Because now she can see me for whom I am, too. I…I’m sorry if this will ruin our friendship but…I…I’ve been waiting so long, but now that you’ve seen who I am and accept me…I love you. I have for so long. I love you…oh God, it feels so good, I feel alive! I feel like…the way I used to be before…” She let a few more tears slip by before he brushed them away with the collar of his shirt.

 

“I can’t eradicate all the pain her death caused,” he whispered. “I can’t bring her back, I’m not God. She’s dead, but as cliché as this is, she’s looking down on you, and I’m willing to bet my own life that she’s so proud of you for what you did. There will be a scar left on your heart for this. But I know that my love can wipe away the blood and bandage the cut. I know my love can ease the pain, and bring it a life it never knew. Bring you a life you never knew. I love you, April, and I’m with you till the end. Now who promised you that?” April hung her head.

 

“Nobody, really…” He lifted her chin again.

 

“But I did. If I break your heart, I will understand if you can’t stay with me. But I love you, and I will do everything in my power to make you happy and do what is best for you. You are beautiful to me. For everything you are and aren’t.” He kissed her as the clouds parted to reveal a woman in shimmering white with wing’s spreading behind her back.

 

"That's what I call a match made in heaven," she whispered, as she let the new lovers be.

 

Reviews

[Drew Wade]

wow, this is really freaky in a good way. ghosts are always welcome in my book- I mean as literary devices, not in reality. in reality they freak me out. I think this story was good and it had a unique feel to it.. most often deaths are so tragic and this one seemed to be drawn out a little bit.. I'm glad the ghost/angel wasn't jealous.

[Walkingblind]

I like the intensity of pain in this story. Awesome
job. The mourning also pops out at you, I really
enjoyed this.

[AaronPhobia]

good good good =D

keep writing