February 14th

This is my first serious attempt at slam poetry.

For Gregory Michael

 

 

“Dude, relax,”

I whispered in the dark morning hours

Of February 14^th

“It’s Valentine’s Day.”

My dad burst in

Promptly

To see who I was talking to             This time

 

He sees me

Clutching my pillow

Snuggling

Spooning

Holding onto it as if he were my husband

 

I work at Albertsons

In a Starbucks that isn’t really a Starbucks

“Sorry, we don’t honor that free coupon

“We don’t have the same computer as a

“Regular Starbucks.”

“Come on, babe,” he chose to say as opposed to starting a fight with a midget in an apron

“Let’s go to a ‘regular Starbucks’. Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.”

She swung her D&G purse behind her back

So he has a better view of her

Milk Duds

Expecting her

 

Grande

Quadruple

Sugar-free caramel

Soy

No foam

Extra caramel

Extra whipped cream

2 Splenda

White Chocolate Mocha Latte

 

I look and taste like a real barista, but I’m not!

 

As I start to think of how this day will suck

And how one day Robert Pattinson and I are gonna get married

(We will, he just doesn’t know it yet, and if you’re listening, Robbie, baby, don’t you know it’s bad luck? To see the bride before the wedding, of course!)

I repeat the words I woke up with this morning

“Dude, relax,

“It’s Valentine’s Day.”

I mean, sure

I’m single         I know that surprises you

 

Please don’t ALL come at once

Happy to hear that WONDERFUL news

 

Ok, ok, fine, moving on

 

“Dude, relax,

“It’s Valentine’s Day.

“Look around you.

“You love these shades of red, pink, and white

“It’s eye candy

“Speaking of which, look at all that CAAAAAAANDY!!!

“Come on! There’s CHOCOLATE EVERYWHERE!!!

“This is a perfect excuse for you to

“STUFF YOUR FACE with nothing but chocolate!

“And if anyone asks, you have a TON of secret admirers!

“And don’t bother with names because it’s a secret for a reason!

“And if sweet old ladies

“Who demand a regular cup of coffee for no less than $1.10

“Asks you, ‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend?’

“Ok, first off,

“She’s asking that because she thinks she can get away with paying that little

“Because her doctor probably didn’t do s**t about her incontinence

“And second

“This is your opportunity for your sob story!”

 

 

“Well…it’s a sensitive subject.

“But I HAD a boyfriend.

“But he BETRAYED ME!

“We were supposed to be together

“But he left me!

“He decided that my love for him was too great

“That he didn’t deserve a sweet love

“Loyal to a fault and passionate

“Oh, it’s not his fault, please don’t think it is

“But when someone loves you,

“You have to have a heart first

“And you have to have a heart big enough for it

“And the poor thing

“Didn’t really have a heart to begin with

“And I tried to give him one

“But it was still too small

“So he finally found someone with an even smaller heart than his

“And everything he would have given me

“Chocolates, roses, a massage, or whatever

“He throws at her boots

“Why you ask?

“Because boots were made for walking. And crushing!

“And that’s just what they do

“And now, I can do nothing

“But grieve

“As I cry

“Because he had to top it all off

“Yesterday, he had to go and die!”

 

Ok, ok, OK! I lied!

Get off me, I lied!

Alright, I’ll tell you the truth, nothing but

He didn’t die.        What?   I took back

Everything I said that was a lie.

 

Wow, look at that!

That b***h bought the story, but NOT the coffee!

 

Come back when you’re ready to spend the extra fifty cents like everyone else!!!

 

Ok.

No more tears

No more depression

 

And if you expect me to be happy on February 14^th

I should be allowed the following:

1. I should be free to wear my shirt that reads, “Being a woman isn’t easy; it requires dealing with men”
2. I should be able to indulge in any sweet that I desire, including but not limited to: chocolate (and any fruit dipped in it), cake, brownies, etc. and,
3. I can call this day whatever I damn well please! I don’t have a husband, a boyfriend, or a man who loves me the way I love him, so I am NOT saying “Happy Valentine’s Day”! And it’s clear that I’m single, so there’s no need to call awareness to it, let alone name a day dedicated to it!

 

So Happy “Stefanie’s-gonna-sit-on-her-a*s-and-eat-chocolate-and-watch-bloody-violent-movies-in-the-dark” Day to you too!

 

 

God, why can't it be February 14th EVERYDAY?

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Brjden (Bridge-Den) Cre..]

"So Happy "Stefanie's-gonna-sit-on-her-a*s-and-eat-chocolate-and-watch-bloody-violent-movies-in-the-dark" Day to you too!"

Love that line! I dig slam poetry and though I understood what you were trying to say, some of the pictures weren't as clear as others. But I love your humor(always have). I continue to go back your vulnerability and ability to make fun of yourself. It's something that I think would and could make you a lot of money and fame as a writer one day! And I can say, I remember "Here's What I Say" when.......

[Drew Wade]

this poem is a little piece of amazing. it's more epic than epic. in short, I loved it. specifically, I loved the random interjections and the nifty catch phrases. "I look and taste like a real barista, but I'm not!" and "Come back when you're ready to spend the extra fifty cents like everyone else!!!"

awesome stuff, stef.