What's it like, your dad being dead?

 "What is it like, your dad being dead?"

 

 

“ I feel like I lost my keys,

Though I have not of course.

The feeling is rather similar though.

 

I have lost my keys

And now nothing is important.

My engagement, my car

I know they are somewhere.

You look around madly,

You want to rip everything apart

But it won’t help.

 

Anxiety, disappointment, loss. Anger.

 

The keys were here but now they are not.

They are gone.

He is gone."

 

Clouse takes a sip of water.

 

"Scratch that. It is more personal than keys.

It is your childhood home; a dimming house

You are there but everyone else, your family

They are at Disney World.

At first, you wonder-

Are they coming back?

But you know, yes you know

They are never coming back."

"Does it get better over time?"

The question angers Clouse.

 

"No, it does not get better over time

And why would it?

No. No, of course not. Why would it?

If anything, you lose yourself in the game you play.

You remember something about him, you forget something about him-

What is worse,

The remembering or the forgetting?

There is no desire for either.”

Reviews

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

hi thanks for this lovely write, heartfelt, sorry it took so long to judge, this comp slippped through my fingers somehow. thanks for being so understanding, judging today , good luck

[C. Rose]

I like how the lines "Clouse takes a sip of water." and even "The question angers Clouse." break up the poem, have the reader step back and think about the emotions before delving back in.

"Anxiety, disappointment, loss. Anger." felt odd to me that Anger has its own sentence. I get that Anger is its own intense emotion. How about Anger. on a separate line?

Time Machine does not fit (in my opinion). The rest of the poem has been serious, contemplative, questioning - Time Machine evokes fancies sci-fi adventure. How about "go back to the way it was, go back in time, reverse time" - just not a direct Sci-Fi reference.

Well penned. Very emotionally specific topic.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics group!

[LawrenceRaybon]

Interesting poem. I can commiserate with Clouse, I lost my father and both grandfathers all within six months of each other. The metaphor of the lost keys is very apt, something you're so used to having, something that's always there, is suddenly gone and it's an awful feeling.

While the writing overall was good (I like how realistic it was) I found the idea that the poem is a conversation a little distracting. When Clouse takes a sip of water and when the narrator comments on how Clouse is angered by a question, these moments dragged me kicking and screaming out of the moment and it was a struggle to get back into the flow. The questions asked by, what I assume is, Clouse's psychologist also didn't really fit for me.

You could start the poem with Clouse repeating the question he just heard, "What is it like my dad being dead?" Adding "And" to the other question, "And does it get better over time?" would also allow Clouse to be the one asking a rhetorical question. These changes would change this dialogue to a heartfelt monologue without breaks and I believe would help the overall flow. The only thing that would be cut is mentioning Clouse's name, but I think the story is so easy to relate to that naming the speaker is unnecessary.

***These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[ErithVert]

I appreciate your feedback and the original format of the poem did not have the story elements it was something I experimented with and I think it was universally unappreciated, lol. I think those were great suggestions for inserting the questions without being so literal. I think that I will revise this poem to make it more succinct. Thank you again.

[The Thinkingcap]

I liked the comparison.. very well written. you lost me at the end though..