Wild Rides & A Touch Of Sexy Metaphor's

It is a poem that explains the essence, meaning-order-pain-the beautifujl/ugly in life....my most personal piece that I have wrote so far in life, it says more than its words can do....

Staring out a pitch black window

Wishing it would snow

I need color

Strawberry-banana clouds

Sitting above purple seas

 

Maybe a few pink leaves

Gold Bark

Yellow squirrels that sing 

Uplifting slave hymn's

 

I want to go on wild rides 

Walks in the park

Chainsaw, Southpaw 

Just to cut the lords eyes 

And watch the paint fall

 

Watch the sky get swallowed up

Like a fat kid drinking a bottle of 7up

 

Wild Rides 

Bright colors on the other side

Where the spirits chant

 

16 whispers...

I fade in and out of the present

Into eternity

Losing track of time

But time is just a reflection of eternity

So this ride last forever

 

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Reviews

[Janis_Joplin]

"It is a poem that explains the essence, meaning-order-pain-the beautiful/ugly in life....my most personal piece that I have wrote so far in life, it says more than its words can do...." They didn't get it just from that? I very much liked it and especially the strawberry- banana clouds, fat kid drinkin 7up. very well writen.

[THE LOST ROSE]

A very well crafted poem. I love the ending and the layout of it. I am feeling this piece I am just sorry it took so long for me to read it. But I am now blessed that I did. I hope to check out some more of your cool pieces. Keep writing and sharing.

[Bennett Logan]

Thanks for sendig this read request my way, man. I'm always up for reading new material, so feel free to send as many requests as you'd like this way.

Anyway, I like this. It's obviously a very personal piece, and it has a real beat sense about it as well. I like your strong use of imagery and line breaks. The lines,
"Wild Rides
Bright colors on the other side
Where the spirits chant,"
stood out the most to me. It brought me back to where you'd mentioned seas in the first stanza -- like I could physically see across them to the colors on the other side. This poem, for me, is a big breath of fresh air here on WritersCafe!

The only suggestions I have concerning this piece (and I always have at least a couple) are:
1. Remove the apostrophes from the words "Metaphors" and "hymns."
2. In the first stanza, the narrator says that he or she wishes that it were snowing and then goes on to describe how he wants to see colors like red and yellow. The two parts seem contradictory, as snow makes me think of bitter, gray weather. Yellows and reds, however, are sunny and warm. I just found the juxtoposition of the two to be confusing. Then again, I'm from New Orleans. I really don't know the first thing about snow. Whatever the case, I'd reccomend maybe describing a frigid sky with cooler colors like purples (which you already have) and blues... Just a thought.

And that's about all I've got.

I truly enjoyed the originality of this piece a great deal. Have a good one, sir, and definately keep up the good work.

[Alias Fletcher]

"16 whispers...

I fade in and out of the present

Into eternity", I wonder about difting in and out of reality, when I am between sleep and awake. PS thanks for the review. charly

[J.Black]

Okay, I dont know really understand it to be honest, but I do have to say some lines are really good.
"Strawberry-banana clouds
Sitting above purple seas" -- nice imagery and imagination.

[Faeshifter]

Thanks for the request, I don't understand what it's about, even on the third time round. Chainsaw, southpaw... best rhyme in there.

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

I adore the longing and vivid description depicted in this piece. Quite moving. Thank you for sharing your talent. Quite extrordinary.
Light,
Siddartha

[Marie Starr]

This is my favorite line:

Just to cut the lords eyes
And watch the paint fall

Forever and ever ... Amen ...