Missing You

Missing You

A Poem by Surya

I was waiting for you all the day
Fighting with the air to bring me back your breath 
It doesn't, but I was missing your breath
And I was left alone with the air

I was missing your talks
I was missing your smile
All the day

I was staring at the stars you made
And from you, I was feeling away
It's like a beat of heart not with the heart
I felt like an empty frame
Where my picture away

Now it is the final day
Waiting for you all the day

It is a final fight Between me and the air, But
I wanna see it bringing me back your breath...

© 2017 Surya


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Compartment 114
Compartment 114

Author's Note

Surya
A poem without a rhyme, but with a feel i guess... And if you feel like an correction can be made, comment me with the text.

My Review

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Featured Review

Your messages sounds like a deeply-felt sorrow, missing someone. There are many interesting ways that you SHOW instead of telling & your observations are nicely sensory (using all the senses makes a poem come alive).

I think the word "breathe" is being used wrong here. It's a verb when there's an "e" at the end, like the act of breathing, I breathe. I think what you want is the noun "breath" . . . you are longing for this thing, this breath of another person that you can feel on your face.

Also, I know it's popular to use shortcuts like "u" for "you" and "ur" for "you're" . . . this is for texting & communicating in a friendly way. But for a formal poem, most people feel it's wise to use the full words, not shortcuts. Every person has to decide for him/herself. This is just my point of view about using English properly.

I'm sorry if I'm making more critiques than compliments here. These things do not detract from your message, which is heartfelt & easy to follow & enjoy.

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Surya

7 Years Ago

hey am fine.....and thank you for highlighting me m mistakes...I will correct them for sure



Reviews

very well written surya ji
plenty of sentiments talking about what goes in your heart


Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

Hanji, Thank you...
I like how you really use all the words like smile and talks on this one which make the reader feel what attitude the one you are missing has.

You did good on imagery on this one and I truly respect your feeling and your choice of words. All in all, well done.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

Thank you, am glad you liked it..:)
memories are made to last,a longing in your write

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

Yeah I agree...Thank you for your kind visit...
 wordman

7 Years Ago

my pleasure
It seems you are really missing someone, lets get back to your work, it's always the best including this..loved it

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

It dates back to 2016 Farhan...Thank you for your visit...:)
seems interesting, the feel and sorrow has been lighted up in the poem.
You have a good observation of how people feel in situations, their emotions and frame it very nicely. Congrats!

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

Haha, cheers to you, Thanks again Manasa ji for your kind visit and words...:)
I was missing your talks
I was missing your smile.
These feelings are so true. I think many can relate with them.
Now it is the final day
Waiting for you all the day.
Waiting....what can I say is so hard and frustrating sometimes. A beautiful poem with so much depth in the words.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

So much depth, may be.....Thank you Saher for your kind visit, am glad you enjoyed my words here...... read more
Najam Us Saher

7 Years Ago

You're welcome ☺
Each n every line is loaded with emotions . ... Fully mesmerized

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

Yep and Thank you for your visit, keep reading...
I don't think rhyming is an essential part of any poem. Although it does add a lot to the impact on the readers. But any piece of writing which conveys the real emotion is worth it. It is a nice piece by the way.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

That's what i feel.And thank you for your words, they cheered m up
The emotions here are deeply felt.. You wrote beautifully...

Posted 7 Years Ago


Surya

7 Years Ago

Thank You so much..
Dr. YumnaKay

7 Years Ago

You are welcome ☺

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499 Views
16 Reviews
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Added on November 27, 2016
Last Updated on March 31, 2017

Author

Surya
Surya

Hyderabad, India



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