Keira is haunted by a dream of a mysterious women. But when the dream begins to call out to her, she is eager to find out the meaning behind this nightly occurrence. With the help of an elder monk she soon discovers the secrets of hidden past she knew not
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Chapter 1 - Midnight Calling.
As the sun set beneath the crest of the mountains, it cast an eerie glow throughout the skies above, highlighting the pallid face of a young woman who stood silently upon the cool grass of the cliff's edge. She had been standing there silently for some time, overlooking the frightening depths of the crystal clear ocean that gradually grew black as the sun slowly crept beneath the horizon. The sky was a brilliant display of subdued undertones; hazy grays, and golden yellow, royal purples, and rich lavenders, all of which painted the heavens with their beauty. She watched as the waves moved back and forth, crashing into the jagged rocks below, and gazed at a group of birds that soared the skies like mischievous children.
A cool breeze kept her in a sense of tranquility as it kissed her pale cheeks, gently ruffling the ends of her long, white dress. A light mist dampened her hair, as she studied the erratic behavior of the birds that flew above the ocean below. But of all the birds there was one that stole her attention away from the others. Concealed by black feathers, it resembled that of a raven gliding gracefully amongst the rest, almost as if it were dancing. Its freedom disgusted her as she wondered to herself what it would feel like to be free from the reality that consumed her happiness.
She closed her eyes tightly and listened to the crashing waves that grew louder with each passing moment, seeming to whisper her name soft and eerily. But as she opened her eyes, the whispering continued, as if a tiny voice in her head was intentionally trying to drive her mad.
"Free yourself, Clara." it said. "Free yourself."
*******
It was morning now; Keira woke from the dream gasping for a breath of air. Her body felt as though she was held down in a pool of cold water, forced to hold on to the last bits of remaining breath in her lungs. Her eyes fixated upon the ceiling above her, until finally she realized she was no longer lost within the dream. Slowly, she wiped away the beaded droplets of sweat upon her forehead, taking in a deep breath before closing her eyes and dropping her limp body back onto the soft cushion of her mattress.
It was the same dream that had haunted her since childhood. Only now had it become more clear to her, more vivid; almost as if she could feel herself become bound with the somber emotions of the woman seen in her dream. She had told no one other than her parents of these nightmares. Her siblings had only known due to the constant nightly disturbances of Mr. and Mrs. Blakely running up and down the narrow stairs of the cottage hallway.
It became more difficult for them to wake her from these dreams as the years passed; often they found themselves dripping beads of cold water from a dampened cloth over her forehead, calling out her name until they were finally able to wake her from the depths of her slumbers.
Mrs. Blakely, Keira's mother, on many occasions, felt as though she had reached her wits end, unsure of what more she could do for her daughter other than pray, and hope things would get better with time. But this night was not been as bad as all the others, Keira was able to sleep throughout the night, and wake in the early morning, though feeling out of breath for a short period of time, she was well rested; but left hindered by her confusion, and bewilderment, as she pondered the meaning the dreams had been trying to tell her once more.
A great start. Excellent into to Keira's character. Setting the environment and her current issues and a bit of background.
I love the details and descriptive nature of your writing style. Very professional.
No grammer issues or anything I could spot. But then i was sucked into the story so might have missed something had it been there. :)
Nice write Nataliya. Sorry I couldn't get to it sooner. I love your imagery and the tone you bring in. The theme is familiar but you were able to turn it into your own.
The dream was well-described. I love its vividness and creativity. I can almost imagine the exact scene inside my head. It's really good. This is the kind of story that compels one to keep on reading until the very last chapter. I think it actually has a potential to be a good novel. Good Job.
You used the word 'was' instead of 'had' at the beginning of the last sentence. I also feel the sentence is a bit long to hold the meaning- I imagine coming from a dream with misfiring brain cells giving me shorter dialogue and don't feel it was reflected at the last. Also, it took me a while to read through;
' The sky was a brilliant display of subdued undertones; hazy grays, and golden yellow, royal purples, and rich lavenders, all of which painted the heavens with their beauty.'
It reads, to me, as if the sentence ends how it begins, if you know what i mean? I think a simpler 'that painted the heavens' or similar, may work better on the end. Finally- just a slight point, I was momentarily confused as to who Mr and Mrs Blakely were. Do they need to be reffered to so formally do you think? It made me think they were the neighbours or that Kiera was from a really wealthy family that had live in servants for a while and that made me re-assess the story at too early a juncture. I'm not sure that knowing Kiera's surname is all that important at this point- as i suspect that was your intention. That didn't really work for me, but I'm just being fussy now- apart from the formal titles given to Kiera's parents I think the background info was fluidly conveyed and it blended well into the body of the story.
Other than that I enjoyed reading this. The dream sequence was well detailed and it made me want to guess that Clara is Keira in a previous life. Tell me if you want me to focus more on positives by the way- I usually do, but I'm following your author's notes to the letter.
Oh yeah- speaking of which- i wish you hadn't told the reader about the origin of the journal entries on the last page! I like a surprise! The jounal log is a nice touch though, just didn't comment as I wanted to get on with the story! spence
I love the imagery, the beginning is so detailed. I like the fact the voice speaks out to her,
one cannot tell its origiin yet, but only surmise. I'd say eerie is used often, replace it with other synomyms. =) ----mishel
A very intriguing opening! I liked the vivid, colorful descriptions of the dream, and the transition from dreaming world to waking world is smooth.
I would be careful of too much wordiness in your dream sequence. For example, the word "silently" is used frequently to describe Clara on the cliff, and the paragraph describing her location, while lovely, is loaded with so many adjectives it sounds a bit cumbersome when read. The only other line I felt was a bit 'much' was about the black bird: "Concealed by black feathers, it resembled that of a raven gliding gracefully amongst the rest"--> Does it have other feathers under the black ones, or is it just a black-feathered bird? The phrase "it resembled that of a raven" doesn't exactly make sense here. If Clara doesn't know what kind of bird it is, but THINKS it looks like a raven, perhaps "the bird, black and graceful, looked like a raven gliding gracefully..." or something similar.
On the whole, it is an excellent start. I look forward to reading more.
~Katherine
This is overall a good story. Some grammar issues that I have but are purely my opinion. Your sentences run a little long with allot of commas...I make the same mistake often. But apart from that I found nothing horribly grammatically incorrect at all.
This is an interesting concept and I am keen to see where you are going to take this!
Kudos
LC
- When we were young, and life was different -
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