Perfection - Mesa Verde

a bit of flash fiction for your entertainment

So I'm 46 years old and mostly inert, hauling my bulk down this series of tarred switchbacks designed to make the hike less stressful on a body. As if walruses were ever capable of a two mile sojourn at ten thousand feet above their watery world. The path is well traveled this afternoon. I exchange pleasant nods between gasps for air with family groups and couples all the while telling myself - as far as you travel downward, you will return upward. I stop for a moment under the shade of jutting sandstone and scrappy pinon while a mother flanked by three small children gives a nature lesson on a crawling caterpillar. Two mezmerized girls recoil as thier younger sibling dispatches the furry creature with a well placed stomp.
"Oh my God. You are so getting a time out."
I took a long swallow of bottled water to stop the giggles as I continued down the trail that soon widened out at the base of the ruins. The sloping cliff side echoed with the quiet conversations of tourists. Forest green clad rangers stood sentinel in strategic spots along the ruins - chasing the more adventurous from the "no visitors beyond this point" and "please stay off the walls' signs. A steady stream of people popped in and out of one of the working kivas and I found that familiar ache rising from within. That cry for solace amongst the chattering humanity. The drone of life oblivious to the pain and joy of people thousands of years gone. Standing where we pose for pictures...I took a breath and turned away from Spruce House...and there it was. That place where earth and air and spirit meet. The sloping cuesta melted soft and verdant into the tourmaline horizon. Two ravens danced on thermals overhead, pinioned wings gliding a breath away from each other. The air itself was cool and clean and laced with spruce and yucca flower. I ran my hand along the weathered stones at my back and sent a single word prayer skyward.....perfection.....

Reviews

[M.D Leon]

this piece serves as a paintbrush on a blank canvas, with the excellent imagery and emotional manipulation it paints a picture of solace and peace if not sadness at the same instance. Given the use of imagery i would say its a very rhetorical piece but it infuses an idea into the readers mind, excellent!

[Anand Sehgal]

realism portrayed with elan :) loved it :)
Love and hugs :)
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[TL Boehm]

thank you! Good to see you.

[B.J]

A cleverly worded piece of writing. Honest and down to earth. Enjoyed the read.

[TL Boehm]

thank you. it was a beautiful place

[B.J]

:).............I can picture a few places like that from my travels

[Lyn Anderson]

This is an excellent piece, a wonderful vivid snippet as flash fiction should be.

[TL Boehm]

it is a beautiful place. I hope to visit it again sometime.

[Brown Bull]

Holy Cow, this is a spectacular piece of writing. I am very impressed at your way with words... very impressed. By the way, my mom said never to say Holy Cow, because she was one, but this is good.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

I like reading reviews after a piece as involved and beautiful as this.
I love reading peoples' takes on the caterpillar
for me, i just giggled with you. I can see the life metaphor...but someone teaching their children and one of the little buggers stomping it is just plain funny...and its just emotional fuel and silliness on the journey.
before I say what I'm about to say, I would like to add that it would take me many years to learn to write in story form as poetically and as involved as you do.
I would suggest, and I'm not sure to what extent you've done this already, but I'd say maybe stretch a similar future story...just the flow between the complex and the simple..maybe play with it and tug it and jostle like yarn between your fingers until it feels right and repeat. I know if I were to write such complex and intense imagery for an entire short story, I would give myself a headache. Not speaking on behalf of the reader, but you perhaps..basically, what I'm trying to say, collecting my thoughts, having a good sneeze, etc..you could easily stretch the same amount of energy/imagery, etc into a 3 or 5 or even 12 page story..just maybe to think about for some writing exercises in the future...incredibly brilliant work...hope my suggestion wasn't too bold or pretentious..if so I apologize in advance

[LCFreiderici]

There is something about the way you place words that becomes, almost, a rhyme. The words flow and carry you into the story. I was able to see (an even feel) the heavy person struggle on this climb. It is interesting that, in spite of giving us an initial negative image, you insert the sentence: "...as far as you travel downward, you will return upward." almost as saying that regardless of any past failures, this person will overcome.
I would have placed "...between gasps for air..." in between commas to give a pause and I believe that it should be "their" instead of "thier" in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
I loved the sentence "Two ravens danced on thermals overhead..."

[Patrick B]

It's like a picture in my head. Reminds me of light and happy times with family and friends... A pleasure to read it. Nice job!

[Larry Dyson]

That place where earth and air and spirit meet. The sloping cuesta melted soft and verdant into the tourmaline horizon. Two ravens danced on thermals overhead, pinioned wings gliding a breath away from each other. The air itself was cool and clean and laced with spruce and yucca flower. I ran my hand along the weathered stones at my back and sent a single word prayer skyward.....perfection.
Yeppers...couldn't have said it better myself.laury

[Jordan Locke]

Nice! You have some great imagery there. I loved the bit about the Rangers "standing sentinel."

It manages to be cool, calm and just a bit sad there in the middle. :)