This is happening now

This is happening now

A Chapter by TLK

Look.

The sack of meat has eyes

Just like they do

But even though swollen

Red flesh puffs oozing

They are the pair that

Still seem alive.


Just like any wet sack

Redness tracks behind it

Red eddies lay sated

On the ground's lips.


The sack of meat has voice

Just like they do

But this one actually speaks

Its own words

Rather than another's.


It says, gasping:

“Do not abandon truth.

“Truth always involves doubt.

“Do not mistrust doubt.”


Its toes leave a long line in the dirt

For so few words.


It says, spitting:

“Confidence in a lie.

“It always hurts others.

“This is happening now.”


Its knees leave a long line in the dirt

For so few words.


It says, praying:

“Ask your heart if

this is right ask

your heart for answers.”





Its blood trickled a long way on the ground

For even fewer bullets.




© 2013 TLK



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Featured Review

a brutal poem. A vivid kick to the groin - so often we depersonalize, dehumanize or simply do not register the humanity. The bleeding masses are just meat sacks. I am a writer and have been for over thirty years - but I just puke up whatever indigestible leavin's of the day and call it good. Sometimes I might plate it a little differently but for the most part its offal. It says little about the human condition outside my own myopia. But this - this just sunk its fangs into my leg like a rabid terrier. Yup. Great write. I read your "about me - 260 reviews recieved? I know that I have given far more reviews than I have received here but I am planted in my corner at the cafe.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

You have gleaned the heart of the poem astutely. I wonder if we can consciously fight these dehumani.. read more


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Reviews

The most useful revision advice a poet ever gave me was to always cut the first stanza of your drafts and see what happens. I would recommend this advice to you for this poem: cut the first stanza, see what happens. You can always bring it back later, but for me there is something very chilling about "The sack of meat had eyes/just like they did" as opening lines. Too frequently, our first stanzas are background, are a "warm up" before the poetry starts. As sharp as you first stanza is, I notice that it's not as compact as the rest of the poem. It also gives background that we don't necessarily need. We don't need to know what happened to this specific "sack of meat"; we all know it in our gut and our memory. It is the most horribly mangled body we have ever seen; it is the vision of our realization of human suffering.

One picky thing: In the second stanza, "just like any wet sack" is grammatically modifying "the dust." Is this what you intended? For me, the image isn't quite coming together.

What I love: The repetition of "for such few." The last line really is a kick in the gut. As others have noted, the depersonalization of "it" is very effective in this piece. I love "bruised and seeping"--those words sound great together and create a powerful image.

What I love most: "Truth always involves doubt."

So true, without a doubt.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

I considered what you said as deity's hand might consider a final judgement. Thank you for offering .. read more
a brutal poem. A vivid kick to the groin - so often we depersonalize, dehumanize or simply do not register the humanity. The bleeding masses are just meat sacks. I am a writer and have been for over thirty years - but I just puke up whatever indigestible leavin's of the day and call it good. Sometimes I might plate it a little differently but for the most part its offal. It says little about the human condition outside my own myopia. But this - this just sunk its fangs into my leg like a rabid terrier. Yup. Great write. I read your "about me - 260 reviews recieved? I know that I have given far more reviews than I have received here but I am planted in my corner at the cafe.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

You have gleaned the heart of the poem astutely. I wonder if we can consciously fight these dehumani.. read more
I am a sucker for dark imagery, a really interesting and thoughtful poem. I really enjoyed the heavy contrast between enjambment and speech, and I loved the way you used a disconnection between body parts/ bodily fluids and 'it'. Really thoughtful poem and I see why you stick to shorter pieces as it is clearly a strength! Fantastic :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

You have discerned some very important points about both the poetic and narrative techniques used, w.. read more
Amazing :O

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

What did you like about it, Bart?
Bart

4 Years Ago

Well "ask
your heart for answers."

the final sentence :3 True for almost everythi.. read more
TLK

4 Years Ago

Brilliant, I love to make readers think. Thanks for your awesome comments!
Interesting and complex. Gives me chills. Nice.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on April 20, 2013
Last Updated on April 29, 2013
Tags: has eyes, has voice, just like they do
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Author

TLK
TLK

Birmingham, West Midlands, United Kingdom



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Signed up to the Pledge to Civil Conduct in Discourse on Writer's Cafe: please challenge me if you think I am breaking either the letter or the spirit of the rules. I try to review well myself (see.. more..

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