Mr. Gravestone And The Spirit Of Vengeance - An Epic Tale Chapter 3
A Story by TacoPanda
It was once again a wonderful day on North Lenora Rd. at Santa's sweatshop where it was moved to from the north pole. Oh that's right everyone would rather hear the more P.C. term "workshop". F**k that, Think about it, you stupid c***s, It's a god damn sweatshop. The happy elves were happily crafting toys, for a bunch of ungrateful s**t machines and one of the happy elves happily said. "This is some f*****g bullshit, making these toys for some bullshit a*s kids". Specially those babies, What's wrong with babies? always looking at s**t and smelling like s**t, m***********s can't even read. That fat f**k making us build this old bullshit. Why don't they buy there own toys and s**t? Little broke a*s, Timmy needs to get his a*s a motherfucking job. This was followed by a round of "Right, right" and "True, true" another happy elf happily chimed in. "Man one of these days I'm gonna f**k his s**t up, Ya hear? another happily asked Where is that walking s**t bag anyway? Fat b***h went to the bathroom, probably beating his meat, cause his wife won't even f**k his fat a*s. I'll tell ya what Mrs. Clause is fine as hell. replied another which was met with a happy round of "Yeah, I'd f**k that s**t outta that b***h. Meanwhile in the bathroom Santa was proving the happy elves correct, jacking off something awful. After he finished punishing his special place for two minutes, getting a little jizim in his beard. Which I might add he didn't even bother cleaning up, sparked up a marijuana cigarette and began taking a massive bowel movement. When he finished toking up he discarded the lit roach in to the toilet.
Out in the workshop the happy little elves happily smelled smoke in the air. They all simultaneously looked toward the bathroom door and saw an orange glow emanating from beneath the door, to which one of the short little happy fuckers happily inquired. "What the f**k is that?" another happy elf answered "That fat a*****e f*****g set his s**t on fire again!" another happy elf happily screamed "RUN M***********S IT'S GONNA F*****G BLOW!!!"
They all ran as fast as their short midget legs would allow. Once outside they watched as their beloved, sweatshop exploded as Santa was running out with his pants around his ankles. Santa was still shitting as he was running and the feces were catching fire as it exited, his anus chain reaction style. The happy elves watched as Santa was approaching them, so one happy elf happily drop kicked Santa, knocking him on his a*s extinguishing the flame. Santa thanked his happy elf. The elf replied "You got it twisted homeboy, it's over for you b***h". At this all the elves banded together and started stomping the living s**t out of him. After their short legs got tired they all pummeled him unmerciful, after their arms tired, one happy elf commented "Hey m***********s f**k this fatass". All the happy elves left Santa laying there in his own blood, piss, and s**t and ran a train on Mrs. Clause afterwards.
The following morning Santa woke up covered in turd on the baseball field, as he sat up he saw me approaching and said "Young man, please help me!" and to that I replied "I say unto you, You got the game messed up boy, it's over for you!"
"No not again!"
"Yes you fat s**t"
"But, why? I'm jolly old St. Nick!"
"No you're jolly old St. Fat F**k and about to get rolled the f**k out!"
"PLEASE! NO! I'LL GIVE YOU TOYS! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! DON'T HURT ME!!!"
"F**K YOU, YOU SON OF A B***H!" and with that I Jesused him to the chain link fence and proceeded to batter him something funky with a baseball bat I pulled out of his a*s. Upon the ninety-fourth hit to Santa's balls, Rudolph the red nosed mule or whatever he is rolled up on us and looked at me questioningly then licked me on the nose. I took a time out to pet him and play basketball with him (Rudolph's got a mean jump shot) after the loss I sustained we went back to the field where Santa was still hanging upside down Jesus style. Then it dawned on me. I jumped on the beast's back and held a carrot in front of him to steer him. I guided him straight for Santa and plowed right into him, impaling Santa on Rudolph's antlers. I dismounted and said to the mammal "That'll do pig, That'll do." Then i set him free to live in the wild. As he ran off into the sunset I turned back to Santa and watched as the fat leaked out of the hole Rudolf so maliciously put there. Right before the Clause corpsed out I said unto him "I have defeated you, fat man." and lit his beard on fire.
I turned around and walked to my car, lit a smoke and decided to take a road trip to route 295. As I was driving down the road at high speeds, Billy Mays jumped out right in front of my car instantaneously exploding from the impact. I brought the car to a stop, got out and started collecting his scraps for a late night cannibalistic snack.
© 2012 TacoPanda