Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Cassie]

This is nice, I love it, its quite sad to feel forsaken and you have portrayed that in the poem

[Sami Khalil]

Well penned. A lovely write...:)

[Sourav]

The last stanza is very good. It completes the poem nicely... well written.

[Tai]

Indeed it does. Thank you.

[SHEEMA HUQ]

You have certianly captured the atmosphere of dispair, the probing questions work well, overall, great writing!

[Tai]

Thank you!

[jerrypat]

Dark and deeply moving is this poem, and nothing quite brings a poem more admiration that being able to delve into the dark without seeming to whine. You have managed to do that in this pensive, but somewhat bellicose manner. Good writing.

[Tai]

The dark is somewhat home to me. I find wonderland only a place to visit. Thank you.

[Ash]

fabulous write! i love the emotion in it and the imagery it evokes. the first two lines are so poignant and links so well with the last stanza. it epitomises what many feel when their hearts are shattered.

[MOON]

Great word choice love the noose especially lovely imagery too.

[lee von cleef]

I didn't either, But heck ma loved me anyway, Your second coming poem here < I agree time forgets how long we live.

[Frieda P]

OK, wow, the hairs on my arm are standing up. For many reasons, but this is a beauty of a read, love your style and you executed that last line with such precision, it was deadly!