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Thie Is NOT A Suicide Note, It Is A Promise

Thie Is NOT A Suicide Note, It Is A Promise

A by Tai-San
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I am tired of everything. Tired of people saying things about me and to me thats never nice, tired of being cused out by literally everyone in town and being told I wont go far, tired of the hitting and yelling at my house, tired of not being thanked, no

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This Is NOT A Suicide Note. It Is A Promise
         I’m sorry. I'm sorry everybody. This is the end though. The end of I, Janeene. It is the end of I, the end of Jasperess, the end of Tai-San, the end of Jane…the end of all my nicknames. It is the end of fighting at my house, and ‘tis the end of my memories. All my memories are now walking down the street, nowhere to go, never to be seen again.
         It is also the end of many problems. Many of which I cause. It is the end of Shawn, Kortni, Nathan, Andrew and Kayla’s problems, as well as my family’s. I’ve caused all of them a convenience, ruining their lives in the process. I guess you could say it was my greed.
         It is, may I mention, the end of hearing the name, “Jake” for all. Now to all of you, Jake can be a figure of your imagination, just like I may be. A bit of peace of mind for all: Jake can no longer hurt me.
        I want to say some things to both my friends and enemies both. And…I want to make everything good.
         First, Shawn. Green for you. That’s your color, right? I know I promised I wouldn’t try to kill myself. But I’m not trying, I’m succeeding. Listen, Shawn, I love you. The only thing is that I fear that I always will. I can’t go through life knowing that you love me no longer. Though I’m glad you moved on from me. Truthfully, I am happy for you. I wont let you go. Even as a ghost, I will not think of any such thing. I have unfinished business, so I shall remain here in spirit. As I am, I shall be with you, protecting you all the way, still making sure you get out of that house. I will be at your wedding and everywhere else. I’d still even take a bullet for you. That offer has stood and always will. But you must understand, I can’t be here and watch you be happy. I could never watch people be happy, because I was never happy. You are the only one who ever made me happy, and that happiness faded when you went out with Kortni. I do wish you would have given me a second chance, but I think I would have blown that, too. I just hope you never forget me. Me as what you saw me to be. I wish I knew what you saw me as. A friend? Stalker? A*****e? I really want to know. I didn’t mean to act so stalkerish. I was just always afraid of letting you go. Were you mad when Jake did what he did to me? Do you think it was his fault, or mine? At the time, I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew this would happen. Did you? I felt that, after I told you, you stayed a distance, not sure what to do. Well, I understand why you’d never take me back, no matter how much I begged and cried. You weren’t ready to take this…responsibility. Of course, if you’d just talk to about it, I would have agreed to give the baby up, just to be with you. That should be saying something, shouldn’t it? Well, all in all, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. This is good for you in a way. Now you can live peacefully and I wont ruin your life. But…Shawn, I promise I’ll keep you safe. I deserve whatever message you give me at the bottom of this page… I love you, Wa-Ya.
             Nathan, red for you. I believe it’s appropriate. Reminds me of blood, which reminds me of Sweeney Todd. The one thing we have in common. So I never had seen Aladdin. So I like My Chemical Romance. That didn’t stop us from being the best of friends, always watching Sweeney Todd or The Legend Of Sweeney Todd. Isn’t that what counts? That we had fun? But…we never listened to each other. You warned me about Jake, but I heeded it off. I tried warning you about your death…and you didn’t pick up, so now you’re in the hospital with a slit throat. And…when you admitted you liked me…I was thinking, ‘It would never happen. I can only love one person, and it ain’t you!’ I always thought of you as a brother though. But then…you grew away from me. Your girlfriend started answering your cell phone. I mean, what was that? If you had just told me to go away, I would have. I’m sorry I ever met you, because if I had never met you, you’d be okay right now…
                 Kortni…I don’t know… I spiced yours up with orange and black, just like Tigger. You like him, right? Anyways, I’m glad your going out with Shawn. And…I’m glad you hate me in every way, shape and form. I am. I hope you read this though. Please…take care of Shawn, okay? Make sure he’s okay. And make sure neither of you die until you’re at least fifty. Listen, I want you to understand something. I know about you. Like, you past and now and…everything. I never knew what it was like to be a daddy’s princess. That’s because I don’t know who my dad is. It could be Billy or my Uncle Carl. And…my step-dad? He’s one of the biggest jerks you’d ever see. I know how you feel with your mother though, and thinking that you had to keep your parents marriage together, because that’s what your mother said Destiny had planned for you. But you know what? First hand, I know it’s not your job. Your job is to be you. Your mother has no clue what Destiny even is. Destiny has things bigger and better planned for you. I had to make sure Mama didn’t marry at all. God, did I fail miserably. Not only did I have to keep them apart, but also I had to keep the rest of my family together. Guess what? I realize by age ten that it wasn’t my job. I hope that you soon realize this, hun. You can’t have people do that. I know you, and you are a strong, independent woman. Now, I want you to go and show your mother that you wont take anything from her anymore. I shall also be watching over you, making sure you are safe, as well. Good luck.
                Andrew…blue. I don’t know what your color is, so I guessed. Maybe I guessed right? Well, anyways, you are a wonderful friend. The only thing is that you’re always saying things about Shawn, and they’re never good. Do you know how to be nice to him? I mean, he’s a human too. Well, I do hoe you two get along after I’m gone. I’m hoping. Maybe you guys can try. But, you’ve been here will me through thick and thin. I hope your life turns bright, and full of smiles and laughter.
               Kayla, you are purple, of course. It’s your favorite color. I just don’t know what to say to you. You hate me. You hurt me and make me afraid of you. Also, it seems like you have multi-personality disorder. You’ve got ‘Kayla,” who’s the actual you. Then you have ‘Jane,’ which you said is supposed to be a cheap rip off of me. The meaner you. You know what? Me doing thisis 8 90% your fault. Well, that’s all I’ve got to say.
             Anthony, what can I say? I’m a disgrace. That’s all I’ll ever be. I’m sorry.
              Everyone else that knew me, dude, your color is kind of dull, but pretty. Anyways, some of you loved me, some of you hate me, but neither of them was enough to keep me alive. I guess…just a little bit of love doesn't cover the years and years I’ve been missing out on. Maybe if love had come a little earlier, I’d still be alive. But, either way, I guess I’ll admit it’s my fault.
               Well, that’s all I’ve got to say. One more thing I’m asking is that someone tells David that I’m dead, please. I don’t want him coming up here, looking for me.
                U_Cant_Trust_Me@Hotmail.com
                    That’s his MSN Messenger…you know…MSN.com. Please, if you either have an MSN Messenger account or Yahoo account, can you please relay this message to him, please?
          “David, you were the best older brother a girl could ever ask for. But…things have been worse since I left SW. I hope you go see Ruby. If you do, tell her as well. I hope you have a wunderbaar life, David. You’re the best. Goodbye for now and forever.”
            Make sure he gets this message, please. That’s really what I want. Just tell him Janie is gone. That’s the major part.
             I’m sorry I’m doing this. But…so many things have brought me to it, that it’s unbelievable. I mean, Shawn not loving me, Kortni hating me, Nathan not talking to me, Andrew talking bad about Shawn, people torturing me at school…it’s all too much. “For the end of another life is another beginning.”
               Something I wanted was for someone to tell me I was their life and that they loved me unconditionally. I know that I’ll never get that. That is one other thing that bought me to this. And, truthfully, I didn’t even plan to kill myself until five minutes ago. and you know what? I’m glad I’m choosing this. I want to be able to protect Shawn and Kortni. And everything else I’ve put up above. In a half hour, I shall be gone and off to do my job. My friends that I have written final words to, please heed them. I wish everyone else luck. Fare thee well, my friends.
                  Love Always,
                  Janeene
             P.S.: Please keep my memory alive. Everyone. Shawn, Kortni, Andrew, and David, mostly. Please keep my memory alive. Go to Youtube.com  and under Search, type Http.Franklin. That’s a web show my friends and I were working on and they still are. I may be in the episodes more up to date. Becca is sure to make the next few have more of me in it. The things we did before I died. Please…check them out in my memory. Also, a list of songs you’d be able to listen to in my memory, please. They are mostly songs that exclaim a lot about me…Either now, now that I’m dead, or when I was alive.
1)      “Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?”- The Offsring
2)      “Bad Girlfriend”- Theory Of A Dead Man
3)      “I Hate My Life”- Theory Of A Dead Man
4)      “Hey There, Delilah”- Plain White T’s
5)       “Honey, Honey”- Mamma Mia!
6)      “I Have A Dream”- Mamma Mia!
7)      “Dancing Queen”- Mamma Mia!
8)      “Emo Kid Song”- Andrew And Adam
9)      “Helena”- My Chemical Romance
10)”Ghost Of You”- My Chemical Romance
11)“I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”- My Chemical Romance
12) “Gives You Hell”- All American Rejects
Please, guys, keep me alive through you. I will be next to all of you guys. I promise. Oh my gods…I’m crying so much now. I really do hope you guys do the little things for me. Remember, Shawn: I love you so much, Andrew: Get along with Shawn, Kortni: Show your mother you’re gonna take control of your own life, David: You’re the best older brother ever and I hope you have a wonderful life. Good bye.
              Love You Guys The Most,
                       Janie  

© 2009 Tai-San



Author's Note

Tai-San
I am tired of everything. Tired of people saying things about me and to me thats never nice, tired of being cused out by literally everyone in town and being told I wont go far, tired of the hitting and yelling at my house, tired of not being thanked, not being loved. I am tired of being called childish, and other people saying I am irresponsible. I am, in fact, very responsible for my age, but not one person chooses to see it. 99.999% of the people who kill themselves say that they are doping so to make everyone else happy. Not me. Im doing it so that I am happy. I want to see my sister again, and my few friends that died. AndIm just so tired of EVERYONE hating me, not giving me one ounce of respect or even calling me a friend. All I wanted was a friend. A friend, and the love of a guy. Someone whod love me unconditionally. Neither of that was going to happen though. Im sorry, but I did this. And now its too late. Read this, and please let my memory go on through all. And, dudes, no one could ever actually love me. I'm sorry.
Peace, Love, And Hope,
Janeene

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Reviews

I read this while listening to really depressing music... now I feel depressed, but rejoice in the fact you still seem to be alive, you pulled through.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hang in there. Judging by the fact that you're online right now, you didn't succeed. I'm glad. Though I don't know you very well (something i should remedy) i hate to see people give up. I'm not gonna give you a pep talk or a lecture. I'm not gonna tell ya everything'll be okay 'cuz it don't always work that way. I hope and pray it does, though. And i won't give you a lecture, 'cuz that ain't what you need. (Plus they're uber-freaking-annoying and pointless, usually. Well, for me they are...) I'm just gonna say this: i was where you are once. (Though the circumstances may very well be different as day and night.) The point is, i was there. Suicidal. But i had people who were desperate and totally on fire to help me. And some of that fire rubbed off on me.
Look, i'm sure you have lots of people like that. People who love you to Death and back, and wanna help you so bad. If you just find them and let them. It's hard, but it's worth it in the end. And in the off chance you don't, then you can talk to me. Even though i may not know you extremely well, i'll listen and do my best to help you. Don't give up. Please don't give up.
If this came out as a lecture, my bad. I didn't mean for it to. And i know i rambled a little (okay, a lot). Sorry bout that. But it was something i had to say. And if you already have decided for good not to go through with this, then i'm glad.
Here for you,
Tru

Posted 8 Years Ago


"The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you the dawn is coming."


please hold on. i may not know you. but i know your pain. and for that i love you. please. be strong.


Posted 8 Years Ago


This is so sad!!!!!! All the pain and sorrow just pouring from this piece whether its real or not. I'm truely sprry for your troubles. But remember, it has to get worse before it can get better. Which I hope it does. :)

Her Majesty,
The Queen

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on May 18, 2009

Author

Tai-San
Tai-San

New York



About
I am single and an age. I hate people, but I love them. I get scared very easily and, well, i wont say why. I'm a poet, though i'm bad at it. My best friends are: Wa Ya As The Gothic Cowboy, ATG, .. more..

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