Bro-SumA Stage Play by Nick Moore A rough draft of the first act of my deconstruction of the coming-of-age play. It follows four teen boys at a LAN party while they discuss girls, their aspirations, and more girls. Bro-Sum Characters (In Order of Appearance): -Richard Rowan (Rowan) -Richard Penner (Pen) -Richard Tucker (Tucker) -Johnny Production Notes: An “Exit” is not a physical exit unless specified. The term “Exit” instead indicates a character mentally leaving the scene. This can be done through the character putting on headphones, becoming involved in their computer, falling asleep, or any other action that would fit the moment. Characters can still speak after they’ve exited, but they are not engaged in the main scene taking place. A “/” indicates characters speaking with overlapping dialogue and a “-” indicates a character being cut off by the next line. Scene 1: Rowan, Pen, Tucker AND Johnny sit in a cramped bedroom at 11:00pm. They are all attached to their computer screens. The room is littered with partially-full bags of Cheetos and empty bottles of Monster Energy and Mountain Dew. A mini fridge, microwave and cabinet are in the corner of the room and have been used regularly for reloading snacks.’ The boys are currently involved in a losing battle in League of Legends. Rowan: Tucker, my ult is up! Tucker: One sec getting wraiths Pen: My ult’s up. Johnny: They nerfed Garen’s Q/ so much. Tucker: I’m warding river Rowan: Don’t engage yet I’m/ gonna bait him. Johnny: Tucker can I take red/ buff? Pen: What’s Thresh’s ult? Rowan: He makes this box that/ does hella damage. Johnny: Tucker I’m taking red buff? Tucker: I’m gonna engage them. Rowan: No. Let Pen use/ his Q. Johnny: Tucker! Tucker: What, Johnny? Johnny: Red buff? Tucker: Sure/ whatever… Pen: I got/ MF! Rowan: Tucker/ gank! Tucker: Oh s**t/ I’m coming! I’m coming! Rowan: Don’t take tower/ aggro! Johnny: That’s what she/ said! Tucker: Their Sej’s coming/ down river. Pen: Thresh is gonna/ B. Rowan: Pen, Q MF! Pen: I blew my Q on/ her already! Rowan: Oh s**t right, Popping my ult! Tucker: Sej is coming be/ care. Rowan: Got ‘em!! Pen: Let’s get tower. Tucker: No, Sej is gonna/ gank! Pen: Let’s/ get tower! Rowan: Yeah, Pen, Imma B. Johnny: Imma Be/, Imma Be, Imma Imma Imma Be! Rowan: Oh s**t! She’s here! Tucker: Get out of there! Rowan: F**k! I didn’t have any cooldowns! Tucker: S**t, she’s coming for me! Johnny: Don’t feed her. Tucker: So f*****g OP! Rowan: Pen, she’s coming up bot. Tucker: Pen! Back! Sejuani’s/ coming! Rowan: Pen! You can’t/ take tower! Johnny: You guys better not be/ feeding down there. Pen: BEEP BOOP F**K THE TURRET! Tucker: No! Pen! Rowan: Oh damn he got tower! Pen: BEEP BOOP F**K YOU SEJUANI! Rowan: The plays!! Tucker: This is f*****g retarded. Pen: BEEP BOOP SUCK MY ROBOT DICK! Rowan: Outplayed! Tucker: There’s no way he’s gonna get away from her. Rowan: Flash over the wall Pen! Pen: BEEP BOOP F**K YOU! Tucker: Oh s**t he might/ actually do it. Rowan: Stun her! Tucker: Damn! Rowan: Knock her up!...Now run! Tucker: Get in the bush and B. Pen: Best Support NA! Tucker: Goddammit Pen. Rowan: I can’t believe you/ did that. Tucker: Too pro. Rowan: You’re my f*****g hero. (Rowan and Pen high-five) Tucker: Pen! Akali! Pen: F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k...F**K!! Rowan: So close. Tucker: You should have backed when we told you to. Pen: F**k you I got tower. (Pause as the Rowan, Tucker and Pen wait to respawn) Johnny: Stop feeding Akali! Rowan: Shut up, you’re feeding Rengar top. Johnny: I have way more creep than him. Tucker: Well you haven’t killed him once. Johnny: Well maybe I’d be able to kill him if you F*****G GANKED! Tucker: I was ganking bot, I can’t be in two places at once! Johnny: You haven’t ganked top once this game! Tucker: Fine! I’ll f*****g gank top once I respawn! Johnny: Finally! Pen: Too salty! Rowan: I’m back. Tucker: I’m back. Johnny: GANK! Tucker: Calm down, I’m coming. Rowan: Pen, just let me farm till I can get BT. Pen: Ok Johnny: He’s gonna kill me, f*****g gank! Tucker: I’m coming! Pen: I’m back. Johnny: F*****g gank, f****t! Tucker: In a minute! Johnny: F**k!! Why didn’t you gank!! Tucker: I was on my way! Johnny: I mean earlier! Tucker: I was ganking bot! Johnny: F**k this! Rowan: Sej is bot again. Pen: Back for more b***h? Rowan: Tucker, gank bot when you can. Tucker: On my way. Rowan: Rengar’s TPing bot! Pen: We’re fucked! Rowan: Back off Pen, Johnny push top/ while Rengar’s bot! Tucker: This Fizz/ is trash! Rowan: Johnny! Tucker: He’s feeding Akali/ so much. Rowan: Guys, Johnny left. Tucker: What the f**k! Dude! Johnny: You weren’t ganking top! Rowan: It’s GG our toplaner ragequit. Johnny: I didn’t ragequit, I just wasn’t having fun anymore. Rowan: F**k you! Tucker: Surrender? Rowan: Yeah… Tucker: GG Rowan: That was not/ a good game. Pen: Oh s**t are we/ surrendering? Rowan: They won because our/ toplane disconnected. Tucker: Yes Pen. Johnny: Even if I stayed they would have won. You guys were feeding Bot. Rowan: You were feeding top! Tucker: We all were f*****g feeding! BEAT Rowan: Next time I’m playing top. Tucker: I wanna go mid, that Fizz was garbage. Pen: I’ll go ADC. Tucker: Pen, you can’t play anything, but support. Pen: Okay… BEAT Rowan: Wanna play another round? Tucker: I want to play my promos. Rowan: Let’s do it, I’ll go top. Pen: Are you guys gonna duo queue? Tucker: Yeah, is that alright? Pen: Sure, I need to do some coding/ anyway. Rowan: I invited you to a queue. Tucker: Okay, I’m joining. (Tucker and Rowan put on headphones and exit, Pen and Johnny sit in silence engaged in their own computers for a moment.) Johnny: Damn, Zoe is so f*****g hot… Pen: Huh? Johnny: She uploaded a picture to facebook. Pen: Lemme see. (Johnny turns his screen around to show a picture of a tall blond girl posing seductively in a bikini. Pen looks at it too scared to say anything that might make him look stupid.) Rowan: Just pick a/ f*****g lane! Tucker: This random is such a/ p***y. Johnny: She’s so sexy. Pen: She’s alright, I- Johnny: I wanna f**k her so bad!! Pen: Calm down bro. Johnny: You think I still have a shot with her? Pen: Did you ever have a shot? Johnny: Remember? Seventh grade. I set up Tucker with her friend Caroline, Rowan with Misty and I was gonna set you up with Olivia, but you pussied out. Pen: I wasn’t gonna date that buck-toothed/ b***h. Johnny: I wasn’t asking you to f**k her! I just had to get her out of the way so I could date Christina. Do you really think I’d make Rowan f**k Misty? Pen: You mean the horse? Johnny: Yeah, I’m not that cruel. Tucker: Leash red buff for me Rowan. Rowan: On my way. Johnny: Did you know that Christina’s a model? Pen: Really? Johnny: Yeah, she has an agent and everything. Pen: Damn, I didn’t think she was that hot. Johnny: I mean she’s the closest thing to a perfect ten at our school. Pen: I don’t know… Johnny: And I could have fucked her if you just went with my plan! Tucker: Back off, don’t steal my XP. Johnny: It’s okay, I’m super close to hooking up with Pheobe. Pen: Short Asian girl? Johnny: Yeah, she’s a solid eight. Pen: I can agree with that. Johnny: Of course you can, you like Asian chicks, you’re into that anime s**t. Pen: Nah bro, that’s not my type. Johnny: What even is your type? You never talk about the girls you find attractive. Pen: Well… Rowan: Gank top, Darius took my bait! Pen: Do you promise you won’t laugh at me if I say something retarded? Johnny: Of course not. Pen: There’s this junior who I’ve been flirting with for the last couple of weeks. Johnny: Who is she? Pen: Her name is Elizabeth, she’s short and blond. I met her in drama. Johnny: Is it flirting like sexy flirting? Or is it just friend flirting? Pen: Friend flirting? Johnny: Yeah, when you have a friend who is a girl and you flirt with each other just for fun. I mean I have tons of flirty friends. Pen: Well now that you say that I don’t know if it was flirting. I think it’s a sexual thing, but we might just be friends. Johnny: What’s drama class like? Pen: Hella gay. Johnny: I thought so. Pen: At least it’s easy. Johnny: I was gonna take it next year for that reason. Pen: Really? Johnny: Are you gonna still be in it next year? Pen: Um...No, I just need one year of art credits. Johnny: Damn. Yeah me too. Rowan: I’m pushing tower. Johnny: I bet there are a ton of chicks in drama. Pen: Oh yeah. And they’re all really attractive. Elizabeth isn’t even one of the hottest ones. Johnny: I might still do it, just to get some easy p***y. God! I want to have sex again so badly! Pen: Again? Johnny: Yeah. Pen: Who did you have sex with? Johnny (Hush): Promise you won’t tell Tucker or Rowan? Pen: Mm-Hmm Johnny: It was Taylor from middle school, the one Tucker hooked up with in eighth grade. Pen: When did you have sex her? Johnny: It was during Winter break, she came over and I fucked her doggystyle right where you’re sitting. And she sucked my dick on the chair Rowan is sitting on and I ate her p***y on that couch. Pen: Wow...How did it feel? Johnny: The first thing you notice when you put your penis in a girl is how warm it is. It’s like putting your c**k in a wet sauna. It’s so comfortable and you never want to take it out. And getting a blowjob is the same feeling except there’s a tongue that runs up and down your shaft and it feels so nice. But my favorite part was when she rubbed my dick with her hands. She was just so good at handling it and knew exactly where to rub it. I mean, I know it wasn’t the first handjob she’d given, but it was the best one I’ve gotten by far. And the whole time my hands were squeezing her huge breasts and, you know, b***s are like...Well you know what b***s feel like. Pen: No...I don’t. Johnny: Have you never held a girl’s b***s? Pen: I’ve never held a girl’s hand. Johnny: Damn. Have you ever kissed a girl? Pen: Nope. Johnny: Wow...Well I can help you. Did I ever tell you how I had my first kiss? Pen: No. How? Johnny: Well I did this trick that my friend Joshua taught me. Pen: Joshua Torrez? Johnny: Yeah, he knows this way to basically do anything with any girl. Pen: How? Johnny: Well you go out on a night like this right? And you find a girl, or a group of girls walking in the dark. It works best if you have a big hoodie on, I was wearing my Ghillie suit when I did it. You find the girl you want to kiss and you just run up to her, grab her, kiss her, then run away before they see who you are. Pen: Does that ever work? Johnny: Yeah, I did it a couple times in sixth grade. That’s how i got my first kiss. You should try it sometime. Pen: I’ll think about it. Johnny: We could go out and do it tonight, I can lend you a hoodie. Pen: Not tonight. Johnny: We can even go further, Joshua said he once got to third-base with this technique. Pen: I don’t know. Johnny: Come on. It feels great once you’ve done it. Pen: I don’t think so. Rowan: I’m going back. Pen: I guess I want my first kiss to mean something. I don’t want to tell people that my first kiss was with some chick on the street that I couldn’t even see. Johnny: It really isn’t that important. Everyone always says that and I say get it over with. If you don’t do it now you’re gonna suck at it when that special moment comes. Because you haven’t had any practice. Don’t think of this as that amazing experience with that perfect person. Think of it as a taste of what that will be. It’s just a way of holding you over until this Elizabeth chick decides she wants to put out. So are you gonna go out and get your first kiss out of the picture right now or keep making a big deal out of it? Pen: (After a moment) Not tonight, I’m too tired. And what kind of girl would be out at 12:30am anyway? Johnny: Are you kidding me? This is when chicks are walking home after a party. Drunk chicks are so easy. I could get you a seven. Pen: What do you mean by seven? Johnny: You know. A seven Out of ten. Pen: Yes, but what does that look like? Johnny: I mean… First think of the hottest girl you know. A perfect ten. Pen: (Immediately) Isabella Martinez. Johnny: Oh f**k yeah! Pen: Yeah? (Johnny mimes f*****g her through this conversation) Johnny: She’s a f*****g goddess Pen: Yeah. Johnny: And those tiny skirts she wears… Pen: Yeah. Johnny: I mean, you can completely see her p***y. Pen: Yeah. Johnny: And her a*s, it’s just like...Damn! Pen: (After a moment of thinking about it) Oh yeah… Johnny: Alright, now we got Isabella as our ten. Now give me a one, the most hideous chick you can think of. Pen: (Immediately) Sofia Steinman. (Johnny suddenly stops miming sex and immediately mimes vomiting a the thought of her.) Johnny: So f*****g gross! Pen: Yeah? Johnny: What an ugly pig! Pen: Yeah. Johnny: Those goddamn shorts she wears. Pen: Yeah. Johnny: I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT! YOU FAT B***H! Pen: Yeah. Johnny: I mean her a*s is just so...Ohmigod! Pen: Ohmigod! Johnny: Okay now think of someone in between those two. Someone way hotter than Sofia, but not nearly as hot as Isabella. Pen: (After a moment) Julie Dawson Johnny: Eh..Debatable, but sure. Okay, we got our ten, our one and our five. Now think about Isabella and Julie. Who’s our seven? Who falls between them? Pen: Stephanie Myers Johnny: Really? Pen: Yeah? Johnny: Bro, I’ve thought Stephanie was hot since eighth grade. I thought i was the only one. I mean, no one ever hits on her or anything. Pen: I know, maybe people are just intimidated by her. Johnny: That might actually make her really easy. Hell, maybe after I’m done with Phoebe I’ll start banging her. I bet she doesn’t even know she’s a seven. Pen: Do girls know their rating? Johnny: Of course they do, I mean if you look into a mirror you know if you’re hot or not. (Johnny starts to put headphones on) Pen: What are you doing? Johnny: Stephanie and I are friends on Facebook, I’m gonna tell her she’s a seven. Pen: Why would you do that? Johnny: It’s a nice thing to do. It’ll raise her confidence and definitely won't hurt our chances with her. Pen: But she’ll know that we’ve been rating girl. Johnny: Everyone knows I rate girls, I tell it to them upfront. Last week I told Phoebe she was an eight. Pen: Really? Johnny: Except when she wears yoga pants, then she’s a nine. Pen: She was okay with that? Johnny: Yeah. It’s a compliment. Pen: Okay, but what if Stephanie doesn’t know what a seven means? Johnny: Everyone knows what a seven means. Pen: I didn’t. Johnny: Okay...Why don’t we think of two other girls who are right above and below her on the scale so she has some reference material. Pen: Sure. Johnny: So, who’s right above her? Pen: Ella Klein Johnny: Yeah. She’s like a seven-point-five. Okay let’s write this down. (He starts typing) Stephanie, seven; Ella, seven-point-five. Pen: Add their last names. Johnny: Why? Pen: For reference. If we put in two Ellas Stephanie might get confused. Johnny: Yeah, she’d think we’re complete idiots if we thought Ella Singer was hotter than Ella Klein. Pen: Okay then, add last names...Also add all the girls we talked about earlier. You know, for reference. Johnny: Good idea. Now who’s right below her? Pen: Caitlin Mccarthy? Johnny: No, she’s a low six. Pen: Okay, add that to the list. Johnny: Okay, Caitlin McCarthy, six...What about Stephanie’s friend Jessica? She’s basically Stephanie’s body with Caitlin’s face. Pen: Yeah, put her down as a seven, right below Stephanie. Johnny: You think she’s still a seven? Pen: Well she’s hotter than Caitlin so she isn’t a six. Johnny: True...This is a pretty accurate list. If I was any of these chicks, I would love to hear about this. Pen: Even Sofia? Johnny: Yeah, I bet if she knew how ugly everyone thinks she is she’d try harder. Pen: I guess...Don’t send this to Stephanie. Johnny: Why not? Pen: This could be used for a much greater purpose. I mean, imagine a database where any girl can figure out where she stands. They can just look up their name and they will know who they’re hotter than and who is hotter than them. We could plug every girl in our grade into this list. We could add comments to each one on why we gave them their ranking and how they can improve. We could- Johnny: We could make serious money off of this. Pen: What? Johnny: Every girl wants to know how hot they are. They’d be willing to pay five, maybe ten dollars to read this list. We could make a lot of money off of the...What?...Seventy girls in our grade? Pen: That’s seven-hundred dollars at ten dollars a person. Johnny: It took us like five minutes to do these seven girls. With some editing and formatting we could finish this in less than two hours. Pen: That’s three-hundred and fifty dollars per hour. And assuming we split our earnings fifty-fifty, we could be making one-hundred and seventy five dollars per hour each! Johnny: Holy s**t! Pen: Okay, you keep working on the list, I’ll start on the program. Johnny: Program? Pen: Yeah, a program that can search through the list for specific names and can make it accessible for anyone. Johnny: What should I tell Stephanie? Pen: Don’t tell her anything, we’ll sell it to her when we’re done making the program. Johnny: But I told her I had some good news for her, what should I tell her now? Pen: Hm… Tell her we are currently creating something that will answer all her burning questions and the questions of all her friends. Johnny: Yeah. She’ll think we’re heroes. Pen: Trust me, once this is complete she’ll be begging for you to take her. Johnny: Oh f**k yes! Rowan: Tucker, I need your support at top tower. Johnny: What about Rose Spradlin? Where does she fit in? Pen: I’d give her an eight. Johnny: I agree...And Jaime Clarke? Pen: Four. Johnny: Okay… What about Kim Alvarez? Pen:...Six. Johnny: No way. She’s a four, at best. Pen: She’s got perfect proportions. Her tits and a*s are both a five and her face is a seven making her a clean six. Johnny: Her tits and a*s are non-existent and her face is a five. It looks normal, but she has braces. Pen: She’s getting those off in a month, this way we won't have to update the list when that happens. Johnny: Even without braces, she’s not worthy of a six. I’ll ask Tucker. Pen: No- Johnny: Tucker! Pen: You really don’t/ have to ask him. Rowan: Tucker, take/ inhibitor! Johnny: Tucker! Pen: You can put her down/ as a four. Tucker: One sec their/ Nunu is chasing me. Johnny: Tucker! Tucker: Oh s**t Nunu OP! Pen: Johnny, come on… Johnny: I want another/ opinion. Tucker! Tucker: F*****g bullshit! (Tucker enters) Tucker: What’s up? Johnny: Kim Alvarez? Tucker: What? Johnny Kim Alvarez? One through ten? Tucker: Umm… five? Johnny: F**k off, you’re useless. (Tucker exits) Rowan: Tucker, teamfight top! Tucker: Hang on,/ I’m respawning. Pen: You can put her down as a four. Johnny: You’re just into that anime/ s**t! Rowan: Oh s**t,/ Nunu OP! Pen: What do you mean? Johnny: I mean, you like little girls. Not like a pedophile, but you like girls who look younger. Pen: Kim doesn’t look- Johnny: She has A-cups, a flat a*s and braces. She looks prepubescent. Pen: That doesn’t mean I like little/ girls. Rowan: F**k! (Rowan enters) Rowan: Johnny can you pass me a soda? Johnny: Sprite, Mountain Dew or Coke? Rowan: The Dew! Johnny: Here you go! (Johnny throws Rowan a bottle of Mountain Dew) Want some Cheetos too? Rowan: Sure, bro. (Johnny passes Rowan a bag of Cheetos) Johnny: Want to settle an argument for us? Pen: Johnny, no- Johnny: Is Kim Alvarez a four or a six? Rowan: I’d say she’s a four on a good day. Johnny: Boom! Rowan: I like a small chick, but only when she has at least a little bit of an a*s. Johnny: Thank you! Pen: What about Stephenie Myer? What’s she? Rowan: I’d give her an eight because she has big knockers. Johnny: Really? Tucker: Rowan, stop AFKing in spawn! Rowan: Oh s**t! (Rowan exits) Johnny: I f*****g told you so! Pen: I was ready to admit that she was a four. Johnny: Okay, I’ll put her down as a four, but I’ll add what you said about braces as a comment. Rowan: Oh s**t, our team is so pissed. Johnny: What about that girl you met in drama? Elizabeth? Pen: We really should stick to our grade. Johnny: Is she a Sophomore? Pen: Junior! And she’s a nine. Johnny: Goddamnit Pen! You’re a player! Pen: Really? Johnny: Yeah, You pulled a nine? Pen: Not yet, still just friend flirting. Johnny: If you need any advice, just hit me up. Pen: Sure… (Pen begins to put on headphones) Johnny: What are you doing? Pen: I gotta listen to this music for drama class. Johnny: What is it? Pen: Some soundtrack for this musical we’re doing in the Spring. Johnny: That’s gay as f**k bro. Pen: Yeah, I have to sing a song from it for class. Johnny: Well, if you’re listening to music, how can we talk about the list? Pen: Just call me on Skype. (Pen exits) Johnny: Okay. (Johnny exits and calls Pen on Skype) Can you hear me? Pen: Yeah, can you hear me? Johnny: Yeah. BEAT Tucker: Rowan teamfight mid! Rowan: On my way. BEAT Rowan: Let me get this guy. Tucker: Okay, I’m backing/ off. Rowan: Double kill! Tucker: I’m covering/ you. Rowan: Triple kill! Tucker: Go for the/ quadra! Rowan: Stun him! Tucker: Got him! Rowan: Quadrakill! Tucker: F**k yeah! Rowan: Where is the penta? Tucker: We already killed one of them. Rowan: What? No penta? Tucker: Let’s push for the win! Rowan: Naw I wanna sit by spawn and get a penta. Tucker: Bro this is my promos, don’t/ f**k around. Rowan: Fine, whatever. Tucker: F**k yeah! First promo done! (Rowan and Tucker enter) Rowan: That teamfight was sick! Tucker: I can’t believe I might makes it to silver rank! (Tucker and Rowan celebrate) Pen: Katherine Zellers? Johnny: Bro,/ nine. Tucker: Too bad you didn’t get that penta. Pen: She’s got a/ huge nose… Rowan: Yeah, I’ve still never gotten a penta. Tucker: Me neither. Johnny: Her a*s is/ so nice though. Rowan: Has Chris gotten one? Tucker: I don’t think so. Rowan: I doubt Pen has gotten one. Tucker: Yeah, that’d be impossible. Johnny claims he’s gotten one. Johnny: Dude, Pen, Ellie Claire wants to f**k me/ so badly. Rowan: He’s full of s**t. Tucker: Yeah, maybe he got one against bots. Pen: Shut up, she’s like a four. Rowan: That teamfight was so f*****g good! Tucker: It was pretty epic. Rowan: We have amazing synergy. We should try out for pro teams. Tucker: Maybe later, we’re still in bronze rank. Rowan: Well, you’ll be silver soon. We just need to try harder. Tucker: What do you mean “try harder”. Rowan: I mean, put more time into it. Like ten games a day. Tucker: I gotta take care of my little sister tomorrow, so I’m not playing ten games tonight. Rowan: We could start next week. Tucker: We’d have no life. Rowan: Yeah we would. It would just be a life of playing League of Legends. Tucker: That sounds pretty sad. Rowan: Where is your ambition? We could be like Faker and WildTurtle and all the other pro players. Tucker: The chances of that are like one in a million. Rowan: It’s not about luck. It is about skill. We have the skill. It’s about effort. We can put in the effort. It’s about time. And that’s all we need. To put more time into this passion. Tucker: It’s not a passion, it’s a video game. Rowan: Why are you being so pessimistic? Tucker: Because you’re being unrealistic. It’s not like you can just become one of those pro players. For every one of them there are a thousand who tried and failed at becoming them. There are over fifty million players on League of Legends. Not everyone can be Faker or WildTurtle. Rowan: Major League Gaming is the biggest it has ever been. With the right time and effort we could totally make it. Tucker: But you have a weak laptop. Rowan: What? Tucker: It lags, it overheats, it’s a piece of trash. Rowan: So what? I can still play. Tucker: But there is going to be another gamer out there who is just as skilled as you and is just as committed to becoming a pro, but he will have a faster laptop. You’ll end up losing to him for no fault of your own. He just has richer parents and less of a life. I know it’s not fair, but the Major League Gaming community favors the guys with more expensive computers. You always get like this. You become so hooked on an idea for how you want your whole life to turn out, then it just passes. I don’t want you to waste your time… Rowan: Wow… Someone got blue balls. Tucker: What? Rowan: Taylor, you said you guys were hanging out today. I know you were expecting to get laid since you sent me a snap from the condom aisle at the drugstore. You were expecting her to put out for you after a year of being broken up since she just wanted to see you out of nowhere. Did anything happen? Tucker: She had my shirt… Rowan: What? Tucker: She had my shirt, I left it at her house and she found it when she was doing the laundry. She wanted to meet me to give it back. Rowan: Hey, well, at least you took your shirt off in her house. That means you must have gone far. Tucker: We were going swimming. Rowan: Really? Tucker: Yeah, and it wasn’t even anything sexual. She had like four friends over and we all went swimming. I had two shirts with me incase one got wet. I guess I left one there. Rowan: If you don’t mind me asking, how far did you guys go? Tucker: Did you see us on the bus in DC? When we were making out and I kind of rubbed her tit? Rowan: I was sitting right next to you. Tucker: That’s it. Rowan: What? Tucker: Yeah… Rowan: Holy f**k! That was it? You copped a feel on a bus with twenty kids? That is sad. Tucker: Sh! If Johnny hears that he’ll give me so much s**t for it. Rowan: Oh come on. Johnny is the most idiotic person I know when it comes to girls. Tucker: Yeah, but he was checking Taylor out every day that I was with her. I don’t want her rebounding to him. He’s an a*****e and she’s crazy, it would be a nightmare. Rowan: True. Tucker: In fact, she’s off limits for all of you. Don’t want you guys getting involved in the same s**t I got into. Rowan: No problem, bro, I’m not interested. Johnny: Under comments on Amy Wilder I’m gonna write “very fuckable face”. Tucker: What about Pen? Pen: But her b***s are so big and… unnatural. Rowan: I’m pretty sure he’s gay. Johnny: Just admit you’re into little girls already. Pen: Gross. Tucker: You know Johnny hit on my sister. Rowan: What the f**k? Tucker: Yeah, he was talking to her the same way he talks to every chick he thinks is hot. He sat next to her, laughed at everything she said, made s****y jokes. Rowan: What a perv. Tucker: It wasn’t until he started talking about his thing for blond girls that I had to pull him away. I asked him why he was flirting with my little sister and he just said “If there’s grass on the field, play ball”. Rowan: Eww! Tucker: Yeah. I’m ninety-nine-percent sure he stole that line from a TV show. Rowan: Did he stop? Tucker: He did, for a day. A couple days later she was talking to him outside of my house. He was talking about his dad. Rowan: His dead dad? Tucker: Yeah, he was getting into all this emotional s**t with her and she was eating it up. Rowan: Does he use the story about his dead dad as a pick-up technique. Tucker: He used it on Taylor when he was trying to hook up with her. He used it on Phoebe, Andrea, basically any chick he’s been with. Rowan: That’s so fucked up. Tucker: I know. Rowan: That is seriously fucked up. As someone who lost a parent, that is really fucked up. Tucker: Oh s**t, your mom. I’m sorry I brought that up. Rowan: Don’t be. I should know this. Also I can handle my mom being dead. It was fourteen years ago, I barely remember her. I’m not a baby, I can still hear about dead parents and laugh. Johnny’s a f*****g dumbass. Tucker: Yeah… Rowan: Your sister isn’t into him, right? Tucker: I don’t know, I don’t think so. Rowan: You best make sure of that. You don’t want him as your stepbrother. Tucker: I don’t want anyone f*****g my sister. Especially when she’s this young. Rowan: She’s really only two years younger than you…One year younger than me. Tucker: But she’s in middle school and we’re in high school. There is definitely something wrong with that. Rowan: I mean, it’s weird to think about, but it’s legal. Tucker: How is it legal? Rowan: The three year rule. Between the ages of eighteen and twenty you can have consensual sex with a minor if their age is within three years of your age. For example, say I’m nineteen and I meet a hot seventeen year old. I could date her and have sex with her legally since she is only two years younger than me. The law is there to protect young couples with a small age difference so they don’t need to worry about having sex and it being considered rape. Tucker: My sister isn’t eighteen though, she’s thirteen. Rowan: True, but I think the law goes further than that. If you were to date a girl who was ten years-old, that’d be fucked up. I mean that’s obvious, she’s way younger than you and in three years you’d technically be raping her. But there shouldn’t be a restriction against me dating a sophomore who is one year older than me. I mean my dad married my mom when she was twenty-two and he was twenty-four. They met in high school and there was nothing weird about their relationship. They followed the three year rule and therefore it was completely legal and therefore natural. Do you understand? Tucker: So if Johnny fucked my sister, that would be fine? Rowan: It would be weird because she’s your sister, but not because she’s thirteen. Tucker: So, according to your rule, you could fucked a girl who is eleven years old? BEAT Rowan: Well it sounds pretty fucked up when you put it like that… Tucker: See. Your “three-year rule” is complete/ bullshit. Rowan: No, no no. We can still save this. Maybe we put a bottom cap on the age limit. An age too low for anyone to have consensual sex. Tucker: What would that be? Rowan: I think thirteen is good. It’s after a girl has hit puberty and it’s the age of consent in Japan. Tucker: How would you know that? Rowan: Penner told me, he’s really into those tiny Japanese girls. So, thirteen it is? Tucker: Of course, your age limit is my sister’s age. Rowan: It’s just because that’s the most logical age. Tucker: What about fourteen? It’s the driving age...in some states. Rowan: How is that important? Tucker: If we trust them to drive safely we can trust them to have safe sex. Rowan: Sure, fourteen. It doesn’t really matter though. It’s not like you or I are gonna f**k some freshman next year. Tucker: True. Rowan: Honestly, I don’t want to have sex with anyone in high school. They’re all so immature and underdeveloped. Also high school relationships are usually terrible… Tucker: Didn’t your parents meet in high school? Rowan: Yeah, and look how that ended up. (Tucker is taken aback by Rowan’s grim humor) Tucker: Dude, are you okay with making jokes about that? Rowan: As long as they stay jokes. Obviously I don’t want people insulting my dead mom, but if they just want to make a little humor out of it. I’m all for it. It’s just a joke and it’s not like it’s out of hate for her. Tucker: I know, it just doesn’t seem right. Rowan: Yeah, it’s a weird thing to talk about, but I’m mature enough to understand that it’s not being done out of spite. Tucker: Whatever you say. BEAT Johnny: We should make a top ten asses list. Then a top ten tits list. Not individual tits, but pairs of tits. Although Jessica McAllister’s right tit is pretty magnificent. Rowan: Does he know we can hear him? Tucker: What the hell are they doing? Rowan: Pen! (Pen does not respond) Rowan: Pen! (Rowan unplugs Pen’s headphones and “Razzle-Dazzle” from Chicago begins to play from his laptop. Pen panics and quickly mutes his computer) Pen: What do you want? Rowan: What was that gay a*s music? Pen: Just an ad for some s****y musical. What do you want? Tucker: What are you and Johnny doing? Pen: Nothing… Rowan: Well what was Johnny talking about? (Pen hesitates for a moment, then completely changes his tone to mockery of Johnny) Pen: He wants to write a list of all the girls in our grade rating them by hotness. Then he wants to sell it to the girls at our school so they can see where they fall. Tucker: That’s so stupid. Rowan: He’s a dumbass. Why are you working on it with him. Pen: I’m just doing it for the laughs. The s**t he’s writing in this document is gonna piss so many people off. And he expects to make money off of this idiotic idea. This is prime-time entertainment waiting to happen. Rowan: Why do you need to help him f**k up? Pen: I need to provoke him and encourage him to do these stupid things so he doesn’t get smart and forget the idea. I’m optimizing his rating system so it’s even funnier when it blows up in his face. Tucker: That’s so stupid. Your name is gonna be on it. You’ll be just as much at fault for what happens. No girl will ever want to date you, hell I’d be surprised if any girl would want to be your friend after that. Pen: I don’t have any girls who want to date me or be my friend already. Why would I care if they hated me more? Rowan: That’s actually kinda sad. Pen: Look, if I had more friends I wouldn’t be spending any time with Johnny. I think he’s a complete dumbass. But him and I have known eachother since we were kids. And back then we were all dumbasses. Johnny: Pen, I’m sending over my list of tens. Pen: The truth is, I don’t want to drop him. He’s been there for me even when I had no friends. He’s an idiot, but he’s a completely loyal idiot. When I made that comment about a black kid in sixth grade and everyone assumed I was racist, Johnny knew that I didn’t want for it to sound that way. When you two were dating Caroline and Misty, Johnny tried to set me up with Olivia, sure she had a horse face, but she was something. Tucker: She actually got really hot. Rowan: True. Pen: And I could have dated her if I wasn’t such a b***h about it. I knew Johnny was only doing that to f**k Christina, the model, but it felt really good to know that he was putting his chances with her on the line out of the hope that I would date this girl. Sure, at the time she was like a three or a four, but she was a human female, and I hadn’t even talked to one of those in months. Johnny puts up with me even though I am the exact opposite of everything he is. I’m antisocial, awkward and apathetic and he is full of so much life. Hell, Johnny has invited me to his birthday party for the last seven years without fail, even when he knows that I have never met anyone else he’s invited. It’s just really nice to have someone in my life who is so different than me, but has so much faith in me. I’m honestly kind of saddened by the fact that he’s become so stupid recently, but the best I can do is find entertainment in his dumb ideas. There’s something oddly hopeful about someone with so little sense of reality. He still believes that his dreams can come true. BEAT Rowan: That’s so f*****g gay. Tucker: Yeah, you sound like you wanna suck his dick. Pen: Okay smartass, why are you guys always hanging out with him then? Tucker: He’s got a really good wifi connection here. And his mom will let us come over basically any night. I like hanging out with you guys, but your houses don’t have stable wifi and my dad would never let me have two friends over. It’s just the closest place where I can play games with you two. Pen: What about you, Rowan? Rowan: I can kind of agree with what you said, Penner, he is fun to watch. He plays all the same games as us and we’ve known him since elementary school. That’s it. I do think he’s a good person at heart. Tucker: No he’s not. Pen: Why not? Tucker: I told you what he said about my sister. That is just fucked up. And all the perverted s**t he says about Taylor. He’s just an a*****e. Rowan: Bro, you say s**t like that all the time. Tucker: But not about someone’s sister. That’s just so fucked up. Pen: But isn’t almost every girl someone’s sister? At the very least they’re someone’s daughter. And that is exactly why I hate porn. Rowan: What? That is so off topic. Pen: I know, but think about it. Every pornstar is someone’s daughter. It just blows your mind and it makes it so sad to watch. Rowan: But you do watch porn, right? Pen: I don’t. Rowan and Tucker: Bullshit! Pen: I don’t! Tucker: Give me your computer. Pen: Why? Tucker: Just give it to me. (Tucker takes Pen’s laptop) Tucker: Control H, here’s your history. (Rowan looks at Pen’s laptop) Rowan: Right there! “Young blond girl gets plowed…”. Pen: Click on it. Rowan: Okay… (A girl is heard screaming in Japanese and Rowan and Tucker look into the screen shocked) Rowan; Gross! Is that tentacle going up that anime chick’s a*s? (Tucker takes a moment to enjoy the video before unconvincingly playing it off) Tucker: Yeah...That’s...disgusting. Pen: It is disgusting! But it is not porn. Rowan: That is most definetly porn. Pen: Nope, it’s Hentai. Huge difference! Rowan: How is that any different? Pen: For one, hentai is animated so their are no real girls and therefore no one’s daughters. Tucker: What about the girls doing the voices? Pen: They aren’t doing anything disgusting. They’re just talking, it’s not like they’re actually f*****g. Rowan: Either way, that s**t shouldn’t be on the internet. Pen: How come? Rowan: It’s disgusting and it’s not natural and that girl looked eight years old. Pen: That girl is Hari-Hari and she’s an eight thousand year old spirit trapped in the body of a thirteen year old. Rowan: That’s still too young. Pen: Age of consent in Japan! Tucker: You are such a weeaboo. Rowan: What’s that? Tucker: It’s someone who is American, but acts like their Japanese. Pen: Life is so f*****g great in Japan. Rowan: Tell that to all those depressed people. Japan has super high suicide rates. Pen: And they have anime. And anime is awesome. Tucker: The way I see it, you’re watching porn either way. If you wanna jerk off to anime p***y instead of real p***y, go for it. Rowan: Have you played Bioshock Infinite yet? Pen: No? Have you? Rowan: Yeah. You’d like it, it’s all over the top like an anime. I have a free copy of it if you wanna try it out. Pen: Okay, but I want you to try one of my favorite games. It’s called Clannad. It’s this Japanese dating/ simulator. Rowan: I’m not playing a dating game, I’m not into that s**t. Pen: This one doesn’t have any sex. It has this amazing story. If you are not crying by the end, there is something clinically wrong with you. Rowan: Okay, send me the link for it on Pirate Bay. Pen: Sure, send me the code for Bioshock. Rowan: Okay. (Rowan exits) Pen: You want something to play? I have a ton of dating sims. Tucker: Nah, I have to work on this proposal. Pen: What for? Tucker: A summer program for people in the sciences. It’s at UCLA and they want me to write an essay. Pen: That’s pretty cool, actually. Would you stay in the dorms there? Tucker: Yeah. And you get to take all the introductory classes for whatever science you want to eventually major in. Pen: Even computer science? Tucker: Oh yeah. Their computer science program is amazing. Pen: Send me a link to their website. My mom would love it if I started working on my computer science degree. Rowan: I sent the code on Steam. Pen: (To Rowan) Okay. (To Tucker) I gotta play this game. Send me that link. Tucker: Sure thing. (Pen exits) Rowan: This Clannad game is gonna give me so many viruses. Pen: No, it’s legit. It’s like super popular in Japan. Johnny: Pen, where did you go? Pen! (Johnny enters) Johnny: What’s Pen doing? Tucker: He’s playing games with Rowan. Johnny: What are they playing? Tucker: Well, Pen’s playing Bioshock and Rowan is playing some anime dating game. Johnny: So they're not even playing the same game? Losers. Tucker: Yeah, it’s pretty sad. Johnny: Wanna duo queue? Tucker: Nah, I’m writing this paper. Johnny: What’s it for? Tucker: Nothing, just some school bullshit. Johnny: We don’t have school till Monday, let’s duo queue. We can finish your promos. Tucker: I’m too tired, bro, I would just f**k it up. Johnny: Want a Dew? Tucker: How is that gonna help? Johnny: Mountain Dew has a ton of caffeine in it. It’ll wake you up. Tucker: I’ve eaten enough s**t today, I don’t need anymore junk food. Johnny: Mountain Dew isn’t junk food. It’s a liquid, so there isn’t any fat. It’s like water with caffeine and sugar. Tucker: Sugar is basically fat. Johnny: Fine, we can do five push-ups each time we die. Mountain Dew is great for exercise. I drink a bottle before hitting the gym. It’s like the biggest adrenaline rush you ever felt. You feel the caffeine shooting through your veins and you suddenly have all this potential energy. You feel like you can do anything. When I’m drinking this in the weight room, I swear I can lift more and my stamina is just endless...You have to try this s**t. Tucker: When did you become Mountain Dew’s advertising campaign? Johnny: I’m not- Tucker: F*****g sellout. Johnny: Look, I just want to f*****g duo queue...Since when were you on a diet? Tucker: It’s not a diet, I just want to eat less crap and exercise a little more, Johnny: Are you gonna try out for football next year? Tucker: No. Johnny: you totally should, you’d be a great receiver. Tucker: I don’t have time for football. Johnny: Wrestling? Tucker: Wrestling is like the gayest sport in the world. Johnny: No it’s not. Tucker: You’re running head-first into another dude’s junk. It’s basically gay sex with tight spandex on. Johnny: No, dude, there is this sexy a*s chick on the wrestling team right now. She’s f*****g scary since she can kick all our asses, but she looks fine as hell. All the other dudes are such p*****s when they are matched against her. It’s like they're fine with ramming their face into a dude’s testicles, but not grabbing her by her b***s. When I’m matched with her, it’s like ‘Hallelujah! I’m going to tittie-town!’...Wrestling is pretty sick. Tucker: I’m not built for wrestling. Johnny: Everyone is built for wrestling. Omar LaFleur does wrestling and he’s a f*****g stick. And Caleb Weber does it, he’s like three-hundred pounds. I could coach you, teach you some moves, you’d be an awesome wrestler by next season. We could even hit the gym together. I could make sure you’re not pussying out of exercising. You could keep me from eating too much junk food. We can get in shape together. (Tucker contemplates this for a moment. Realizing that he has no counterpoint he decides to distract Johnny with a bad pop-culture impression [Feel free to modify these impressions if another pop-culture event is more relevant]. Johnny finds this hilarious.) Tucker: (Impersonation Barack Obama) Michele! Michele! We need to find a way to get these young people into shape! I want you to make more of those exercise videos to stop fat kids from getting diabetes. I’m gonna go kill Osama Bin Laden. (Tucker and Johnny laugh at this for a moment. Johnny opens a bottle of Mountain Dew) Tucker: What’s the chick in wrestling like? Johnny: She’s a nine, but she’s a senior so there’s no way either of us are f*****g her. Tucker: Too old. Johnny: I don’t know, bro. There are a ton of hot seniors at our school. I really want to f**k Lizzy Jones. Her tits are amazing! Tucker: But they’re fake. Johnny: What? Tucker: Her tits are totally fake. They don’t behave like tits are supposed to behave. They don’t sag at all. They stay in one place even when she’s lying down. It’s pretty obvious if you know how tits work. Johhny: Since when did you know anything about tits? You’ve never even felt a tit. Tucker: I felt Taylor’s tits in DC. Johnny: Really? Damn, son, get it! Tucker: We broke up hella long ago so I’m not getting it anymore. Johnny: So Taylor is fair game? Tucker: Don’t bro, I talked with Rowan about this and it’s best that we stop hanging out with her. She’s f*****g insane and she drives me f*****g insane too. Johnny: So, Taylor’s off-limits? Tucker: Yeah… BEAT Johnny: What you said makes no sense. Tucker: About Taylor? Johnny: No, about Lizzy and her fake tits. How could she have fake tits when she’s only seventeen? Tucker: Her parents probably bought them for her. Have you seen the clothes she wears? She’s hella rich. Johnny: That doesn’t make any sense. No one would ask their parents for tit enhancements like that. Tucker; Plenty of rich girls do it. I know at least three girls at our school who have gotten plastic surgery. They just don’t talk about it. Johnny: I still think Lizzy’s tits are real. They just look so good. I guess I’d have to feel them to find out. Tucker: That’ll never happen. Johnny: Shut up. You said I’d never get with Christina. Tucker: And you never did get with her. Johnny: But I got hella close. And I would have fucked her if Penner didn’t p***y out and just dated Olivia. Tucker: She actually got really hot. Johnny: I know! Penner is such a f****t! Tucker: She was a three when you tried setting them up. Johnny: But you could tell she was gonna get hot. I can always see that in a girl, I know when an ugly chick is gonna get hotter with age. Like Jaime Clarke, she’s a four now, but you can tell that once she grows a little bit and gets an a*s, she is gonna be a seven or an eight. And I knew Olivia would become a nine when i set her up with Pen, why else would I do it? Tucker: So you could f**k Christina. Like you kept telling us over and over when you were formulating this master plan. You set Rowan up with a b***h whose face looked straight-up like a horse. Johnny: No, we called her “The Horse” because she told Rowan, on their second date, that she was going to marry him and buy him a racing horse. Tucker: Oh s**t! Did she really do that? Johnny: Yeah, it was hella creepy. But it was the only chick Rowan ever got, so he was fine with it. He didn’t even break up with her. She broke up with him since he wanted to play video games instead of hanging out with her. Tucker; Well you were really wrong about her since she got hella nasty after seventh grade. Johnny: She transferred schools. I never saw her again. She couldn’t have become that ugly. (Tucker pulls out his smartphone and opens Facebook) Tucker: Look at her last Facebook photo. (Tucker points the screen of his phone at Johnny’s face) Johnny: Holy f**k! Tucker: I know right? Johnny: How does someone who was a three before puberty become a one after they’ve matured? Tucker: Just check this one out. Johnny: Why in the world is she wearing a bikini!? Tucker: She’s disgusting. Johnny: Take it away before I get eye cancer. (Tucker puts away his phone. Johnny recovers and gets up to get another Mountain Dew) Tucker: Get me one. (Johnny smiles and grabs two Mountain Dews from the mini fridge.) Johnny: Catch. (Johnny throws the drink to Tucker. The two of them open their bottles and enjoy them simultaneously) Johnny: I could just text her, you know. Tucker: The Horse? Johnny: No, Lizzy, i could ask her if her tits are fake. Tucker: There's a way to completely kill your chances with her. Johnny: Atleast i’ll have an answer. Tucker: She’ll probably lie to you about it. No one wants to admit that s**t. Johnny: I could text her friend Mayzie. She knows everything about Lizzy. Mayzie and I are super close from English class. I have her number. Tucker: It’s your phone. Your choice. Johnny: F**k it! (Johnny pulls out a flip-phone) Johnny: “Are Lizzy’s tits real or fake?”...Sent. Tucker: Damn, I didn’t think you’d actually do it. Johnny: This is a serious issue. I wanna know the facts. Tucker: She probably won't text back till morning....What’s up with the flip-phone? Johnny: I needed money for my new PC and didn’t have the cash for an Iphone. Tucker: It’s so retro. Johnny: Hey, I can talk and text and that’s all I really care about anyway. Tucker: True. I just like having the internet right here all the time. I mean it’s just mind-blowing to think that the largest database of information is literally in the palm of my hand. Life becomes so much simpler once you have one of these. Johnny: I’ll get one once my paycheck from my uncle comes. Tucker: You’re still busing tables? Johnny: When I have time. I’ve been so busy with school and sports and… Well I’ve been working on this project... (Johnny is checking his phone) Tucker: What is it? Johnny: Lizzy doesn’t think anyone can notice. Tucker: Her fake tits? Johnny: Yeah, Mayzie says that Lizzy’s had implants in since her sophomore year. She basically begged her mom and dad to buy them for her. She was crying about what the kids at school thought of her and her parents just got them to shut her up. Tucker: I told you. (Johnny continues texting Mayzie, while talking to Tucker) Johnny: God Damn! That completely ruins looking at her tits during Math class. Tucker: Fake tits are still fun to look at. Just don’t touch them. I here they’re hard as rocks. Johnny: Yeah, I’m not gonna stop checking her out. Her a*s is fantastic too. I just hope it’s real… BEAT Tucker: What’s this project you were talking about. Johnny: You’re gonna think it’s stupid. Tucker: Nah, bro, I’m all for whatever it is. Johnny: I want to start a YouTube channel. A channel where I can post our gameplay sessions. I just think are commentary is so real and alive and I think people would tune in to see us. Is that stupid? Tucker: Whatever you want, bro, it’s your life. BEAT Tucker: The Dew’s starting to kick in. Johnny: I told you it would. Tucker: Wanna finish my promos? Johnny: oh hell yeah! Tucker: I’ll invite you. (Tucker exits closely followed by Johnny) Johnny: Yo, Tucker. While we’re waiting. Ten push-ups. (Tucker and Johnny enter and count out ten push-ups they then both immediately exit) Johnny: I’m going top. Tucker: I’ll jungle. Johnny: Make sure to gank my lane. Tucker: Of course, bro. (There is a moment of complete attention to each individual screen before Rowan takes off his headphones and enter) Rowan: Yo, Pen...Penner! (Pen enters) Pen: What’s up? Rowan: Who made this game? Pen: It’s this company called Key Games. Rowan: This is actually pretty cool. It’s like a complete….Um…. Pen: Escape? Rowan: Kind of. It’s like a second life. Where you can be whoever you want without the fear of humiliation. Pen: That’s how I felt the first time. Then you learn about endings. Rowan: Endings? Pen: Yeah, based on the decisions you make the game can end in different ways. Typically, you choose a girl and pursue a relationship with her. In Clannad that is really the only kind of ending there is, though the results can be heart wrenching. Once you play some more you can get special endings where you get a sex scene or form a harem if you make the right choices. Of course, if you make the wrong choices you can get some fucked up endings in a dating sim. It makes all your choices more impactful and all your choices more real. Rowan: That’s super cool. I love when games give you those choices. It pulls you into the story and makes it feel more unique to you. You know? Pen: I think it’s what video games were meant to do. Bring you into these fantastical worlds and completely immerse you in it. Let you choose how you will progress on these adventures and tailor your experience around that. Rowan: Yeah, I guess...This kind of game seems pretty easy to make. Pen: It’s a lot of writing, but it isn’t any fancy coding. Just a lot of variables and adding them up. Rowan: Yeah, you could probably make this. Pen: I can. And I have before, a couple of times. Rowan: And these are, like, super popular in Japan? Pen: Think first-person shooters here in America. That’s how big they are. Rowan: Damn… Pen: Yeah. It’s a cultural thing. They work so much in Japan and high school is really the only time they can have an active social life. They use these dating games to relive those experiences. Then look at us. We are super into our country’s violent history here and we glorify it a ton. So it makes sense that we play games that re-enact our historic wars. Rowan: We should make a dating sim. Pen: Well, I’ve got this girl rating system to work on right now, but maybe after it. Rowan: We could actually make something people could really enjoy. I mean look at how many people play League of Legends. And think about all the guys who make porn about the female characters. If we programmed a dating sim about them we’d get a ton of exposure. Pen: A League dating game? Rowan: Yeah. I mean some of the girls in League are really sexy. Pen: True...I could program, you could do pixel art. Rowan: Yeah, I’ve wanted to work on my pixel art. Pen: I’ll put that on my list of future projects. I’ve got a lot of ideas right now. Rowan: Do you want to do this with your life? Pen: Definitely. Rowan: Do you enjoy it that much? Pen: I like thinking up a major project to work on. Sure, the programming can be tedious, but once it’s done it is really satisfying. I really want to go into computer science for the job opportunities. I hear that a graduate with a computer science degree can get a job in network security immediately. And the pay is really good. Rowan: Yeah...I don’t think I’m gonna play the rest of this game. I do think it’s really cool though. It’s just not really my favorite type of game. Pen: Thanks for trying it out. You should really see the anime. It captures the feel of the game so well. It’s all on Youtube for free. Rowan: I might check that out later. There is one major flaw in this story though. Pen: What is it? Rowan: In no high school are there that many cute girls willing to date you. It’s a nice fantasy, but that’s not realistic. Pen: Yeah… I wish that was the case. It would be nice if girls would approach guys as much as we approach them. Rowan: You don’t seem that interested in girls though, bro. Pen: I’m interested, it’s just that I’m a little scared of them. I mean, when you think about it girls have a lot of power in high school. Most girls in our school could get a boyfriend if they just asked a guy out. But we are always the ones who have to start a conversation with them. It’s also so humiliating when someone gets rejected by a girls. Or when a guy asks a girl out who he has no chance with. I’m too afraid of getting embarrassed. Rowan: I get that, bro. I don’t look for relationships at school. High school relationships are so shallow and they end so fast. I don’t care about getting laid that badly so the risk of humiliation just doesn’t seem worth it. I mean, look at Johnny and Phoebe. He’s not interested in a serious relationship with her. He just wants to get it in and lose his virginity. I find that bullshit so meaningless and it's not worth putting in all the time that he puts into flirting with a girl. I want to focus on finding my career in high school and working hard to become whatever it is that I want to become. Pen: Well, damn. I feel kind of stupid now. Rowan: How come? Pen: I’ve been flirting with this girl in drama named Elizabeth for the last month. I was thinking of asking her out soon. Rowan: I mean, go ahead and do it. Don’t expect it to last long though. Pen: Well, I was hoping that I could actually have a serious relationship with her. See each other regularly. Talk about our feelings. Maybe have sex. Rowan: Well, you have me to see and talk with. I ain’t gonna f**k you though. Pen: It’s different. With guys it’s a great time of eating junk food and talking about whatever you want to talk about. We can banter, argue, talk about sex, video games and all kinds of s**t. But with a girl it’s different. I’ve never had a female friend, but it seems like girls are more intimate with each other. They aren’t afraid to talk about the little things that bother them, or fantasize about some guy they met without the fear of being made fun of or called a p***y. Do you get that? Rowan: I was serious when I said that I’m here for you. We’ve been friends since elementary school. Both of us have feelings that are completely unique to us. I understand that and I think you do too. If you do need someone to open up to, I’m right here and i’ll always be here. So will Tucker and so will Johnny. We might banter sometimes, but we really do care about each other. Pen: Thanks. You may not know it, but that means a lot to me. Rowan: So what’s Elizabeth like? Pen: It’s...It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Not only is she beautiful and sexy, but she really is a wonderful person. She has a great sense of humor and she’s into anime, video games and all the same things I’m into. I can’t stop thinking about her. She approached me on the third day of drama class, sat next to me and we just clicked. Her and I have been inseparable in the class ever since. Rowan: She sounds great. Pen: She’s more than that. This really is special. Even if we never date, I know that we’ll be friends for life. Rowan: Just like us, right buddy? Penner: Yeah, just like us. Rowan: Except I don’t think we’ll ever date. Penner: Why not? Don’t you find me sexy as f**k? Rowan: I think you’re gay as f**k. Penner: Shut up, b***h. BEAT Johnny: Teemo’s pushing, f*****g gank! Rowan: Watch this… Johnny: Gank, bro! Rowan: After Johnny asks three times/ Tucker’s gonna say- Johnny: Tucker! Gank! Rowan and Tucker: In a minute! Pen: Holy- Rowan: Wait, there’s more. Once Johnny dies… BEAT Johnny: F*****g bullshit! Rowan: He’s gonna start raging at Tucker Johnny: Why didn’t you f*****g gank!? Rowan: Tuck’ll make up some bullshit excuse. Tucker: I was getting dragon! Johnny: You’re so full of s**t! Rowan: Then he’ll promise to gank next time. Johnny: You owe me a f*****g gank. Tucker: Once you get back to lane. Pen: Goddamn. How do you know them so well? Rowan: I’m always watching. My brain is like a sponge. I listen to you guys and soak up everything you say. It’s always the same with these two. They act like they hate each other and always argue when they play together, but after the flaming dies down they’re best friends again. Pen: Are we that predictable? Rowan: If you listen closely to what people say and how they say it, you can understand everything about someone. All our secrets are hidden in plain sight. If I here someone brag about kicking some dude’s a*s, I can bet you they won't think twice before shooting a m**********r when they have the chance. I mean, when Connor Klein got in that fight with Malik Rhodes and wouldn’t stop bragging about how he kicked Malik’s a*s, I knew that in a few months he was gonna get expelled for some stupid s**t. And look at him now.., Pen: He got kicked out for stabbing some kid in the face. Rowan: Yeah, sure he was hopped up on acid when he did that. And it was f*****g stupid of them to drop acid when one of them had a bowie knife in their backpack. But you knew that guy was trouble, he had danger inside of him and he was gonna let it out one way or another. Pen: Yeah, he got in a ton of fights. What happened between him Malik? Rowan: Connor was being a dumbass. He sat next to Malik in English class and kept whispering “Dirty N****r” in his ear. He knew Malik was a hothead, but he kept pushing. Eventually Malik straight up told him that if he said that word one more time he was gonna get his a*s beat. Connor kept saying it, so Malik and him met up at the half-pipe on 3rd street after school. Connor didn’t even kick his a*s, he got one hit into Malik’s stomach then Malik busted his lip. Pen: Damn… Rowan: Yeah, and what made it worse is that Connor has braces so his lip got shredded on them and it knocked his tooth out of place. Thank God the cops came, cause Connor would’ve gotten fucked up. If people really wanted them to fight it out they wouldn’t have crowded around the half-pipe like a bunch of retards. They brought so much attention to it and some old lady called the police before the fight even started. I got a picture of Connor’s lip though, after he got stitches. Pen: Do you have it now? Rowan: Yeah, look at this. (Rowan takes out his smartphone and shows Pen a picture of Connor’s busted up lip. The two boys cringe and laugh) Pen: You can see his braces imprinted on it. Rowan: I know. And he still says he kicked Malik’s a*s. He barely knocked the wind outta him. Johnny: You guys fed their f*****g jungler! Pen: What’s gonna happen? Rowan: Tucker isn’t gonna respond and in a few seconds Johnny will ragequit. Pen: How the hell can you know that? Rowan: Sitting in botlane listening to everyone argue, it becomes really repetitive. Pen: Damn! And you still play a kickass botlane Rowan: I know. Johnny: Dude, help me fight Warwick. Pen: Sounds like he still wants to play. Rowan: Give him a second… BEAT Johnny: F*****g mushrooms!! God I hate Teemo!! (Johnny slams his headphones down and enters, Pen is amazed) Rowan: Game over? Johnny: Basically. Tucker’s not ganking and he let their Warwick feed off of midlane. Rowan: That sucks, these are his promos. He should be playing harder. Johnny: Exactly, he should be ganking top lane. Pen: Aren’t you gonna respawn soon? Johnny: It’s basically over. And it’s not even fun anymore. Yo, Pen, what happened to our project? Pen: I got tired of programming. I’ll finish it tomorrow. Johnny: Well check you Facebook. I sent you some info about the project. Rowan: You mean the girl rating system? Johnny: You told him? Pen: Yeah, it’s no big deal. Rowan: I’m not interested in buying any part of your company. Johnny: Hey, we’re making three-hundred fifty and hour, that’s over two-hundred thousand dollars a month. Pen: I don’t think/ that’s accurate. Rowan: Yeah, I think you’re math’s wrong bro. Johnny: It doesn’t matter. It’s gonna make us some money, that’s all I care about. Rowan: Do whatever the hell you want, bro, it’s a free f*****g country. Johnny: I will, just watch, this is gonna be all over our school in, like, two weeks. Rowan: I bet it will. Pen: It’s a fun way to work on my coding, that’s all I care about. Johnny: Trust me, I know girls. They will want to buy this s**t. You’ll be happy you did this. Pen: I hope so. Johnny: You really should check you Facebook and consider some of my ideas. I think I found a way where we could include some general references for clarification. Rowan: Like a guideline for hotness? Johnny: Yeah, you know. Celebrities, models, girls that everyone already knows and can use as a method of comparison. Rowan: I see. Johnny: So we don’t have to sell people the whole list. We could just have them pay to see their ranking and some of their friends’ rankings. Pen, you should make sure you add that to the code. Pen: Fine, I’ll see what I can do. (Pen exits, Johnny and Rowan sit in silence for a moment) Johnny: You know this girl rating thing isn’t perverted. It’s here to help girls. It’s to let them know where they stand and how to feel about themselves. It’s also fun writing it with Penner. Rowan: I never said it was perverted Johnny: Yeah, but you and Tucker say everything I do is stupid and perverted. I just have the balls to actually talk to girls and try to get what I want out of them. You guys just sit in the sidelines and watch me like it’s some football game. And of course you guys only notice it when I fumble. Like when I fucked up at hooking up with Christina. But when I got to second base with Andrea in sixth grade you guys just chose to look away. It was Penner that actually congratulated me and talked with me about it. Which is a surprise since I had to teach him how to have a sex drive. Rowan: We both taught him that. Remember? It was the end of sixth grade and the two of us walked him across the black-top and and pointed out all the hot girls and what to look at on them. We even taught him a bunch of sly ways to check girls out in public. Like your technique where you look at a girl’s tits and when she notices you, you just tense your neck and squint to act like you’re stretching. Johnny: Yeah, and Pen still fucked that one up. He was checking Kim Alvarez out on the bus back from the beach. Kim still had her bikini on and Penner was super into her tiny tits. Rowan: God, why is he so attracted to that brace-faced b***h? Johnny: It’s the anime, trust me. Anyway, he was sitting next to me and checking her out every chance he got. She kept noticing and he’d stretch his neck to play it off. He was a terrible actor and she saw right through it since she sent me a text and said, “Tell your friend to stop staring at me.”. Rowan: Holy s**t. That is so embarrassing. Johnny: Yeah, Penner felt like such an a*****e and got all emotional that night. He kept asking me why he was so awkward and how I was able to talk to girls so well. At the time I was just as confused as he was. It wasn’t till eighth grade that it made some sense. Rowan: How did it make sense? Johnny: Well he’s clearly gay. Rowan: You think so too? Johnny: Oh yeah! I mean, at least he’s bisexual. Rowan: But he rates girls and watches hentai. Johnny: A gay guy still knows which girls are hot. Samuel Marshall is always telling me which girls to check out and he’s been out of the closet for two years. And with the anime, that s**t is hella gay. I’m pretty sure he’s just into Kim because she’s too prepubescent to have tits and he can imagine her as a guy. Rowan: Wow, you seem to be pretty up to date with gay s**t, f****t. Johnny: F**k you, my sister’s a lesbian. That’s how I know this s**t. She dated two fat guys with huge man t*****s before she started f*****g girls. Rowan: I mean, you’re super close with Samuel and his gayboy squad. Johnny: Bro, gay guys are super into me. It’s cause I have a nice a*s. Samuel is always trying to convert me. He really wants to f**k me. Rowan: He’s also a huge s**t. Johnny: All gay guys are s***s. I’m honestly kinda jealous since they get it on all the time. Just watch, before you know it Penner’s gonna have had more anal sex than all of us combined. Rowan: Why would any of us have anal sex? Johnny: Have you never seen porn? It’s the best. Rowan: Anal sex is disgusting. That’s where girls poop. I don’t want to be thinking about a chick shitting while I’m f*****g her. Johnny: A girl’s body knows when she’s getting anal and stops making s**t. Rowan: No, that’s what a guy’s body does when he gets an erection. His penis fills with cum so he can’t piss. Johnny: That’s bullshit. I’ve pissed with a boner so many times. When a guy cums in a girl he releases all sorts of fluid, piss, sperm, cum. Rowan: No, you release one or the other. It would be hella weird if guys had to stop having sex and be like “sorry I peed in you”. Johnny: Chicks love it when you piss in them, it’s normal, like cumming in them. Rowan: “Excuse me, I need a clean-up, I seem to have wet my girlfriend” Johnny: Shut up. How many girls have you fucked? Rowan: Just as many as you dumbass! (There is a moment where Johnny contemplates telling Rowan about Taylor to settle this debate) Rowan: Here’s the way I see it. You’re in a desert. You’re offered two glasses of water. One is a tall, clean, clear glass that people would drink out of every day. The other is brown, dirty, has some residue in it, but someone once told you that it tastes like lemonade. Which one do you pick? Johnny: That’s a terrible metaphor since girls’ a******s are clean as f**k. Seriously, watch some anal porn, it’s not gross or dirty at all. Also you’re not even considering that an a*****e is way tighter than a vagina and therefore feels a lot better on your penis. Rowan: That’s because it’s not meant to have a penis stuck inside of it. Imagine how much it’d hurt to have a five inch- Johnny: Seven inch. Rowan: Bullshit! Johnny: Trust me, seven inches. Rowan: That’s such bullshit. Johnny: Wanna see? Rowan: Hell no! Okay, seven inches of penis being stuck inside your butthole. Imagine how painful that would be. It isn’t natural. Johnny: People have been f*****g other people in the a*s since the/ stone age, it’s not new! Rowan: That’s/ not true. Johnny: Every couple/ does anal! Rowan: It’s just a gross fetish/ and you know it! Johnny: You are so f*****g argumentative! Rowan: What’s that? Johnny: Argumentative. It means you argue all the time about everything. Rowan: You’re making that word up. It’s way too big for either of us to know. Johnny: It’s a real word. People use it all the time. Rowan: You made that s**t up, bro, admit it. (Tucker enters after losing his promos) Tucker: Why did you f*****g ragequit!? Johnny: Settle this for us, will you bro? Tucker: I lost my promos! Johnny: That’s not important. Tucker: I’m gonna be bronze forever! Johnny: Is “argumentative” a real word. Tucker: What? Johnny: “Argumentative”, I’m saying it’s real, but Rowan thinks i made it up. Tucker: It sounds made up. I don’t know, look it up in a dictionary. Johnny: Okay. (Johnny looks up “Argumentative” on Google) Johnny: Hah! “Argumentative: adjective meaning given to expressing divergent or opposite views” AKA argueing about f*****g everything! F**k you! F**k you! I’m right! Rowan: Okay, I’m wrong, Jesus… Tucker: Learn something new everyday. Johnny: And girls’ asses are tight and clean and nice too! Tucker: What the f**k! Johnny: He was being argumentative about anal sex. Tucker: Oh, I’ve never been an a*s guy either. Johnny: How can you not like asses? Tucker: I mean, they’re nice and all. I just like tits a lot more. Rowan: Same here. Johnny: But asses are so nice. They’re all firm and you can hold onto them while you’re f*****g. Even chicks think asses are nice. My mom says she likes dating guys who have big butts so she can hold onto them during sex. Tucker: How did you get into talking about that with your mom? Johnny: My mom and I are super close. I mean she’s basically taken care of me on her own since I was a baby. Tucker: That is true. Rowan: Yeah, me and my dad are close like that too. He talks with me about all kinds of s**t you wouldn’t normally talk with your dad about. Johnny: Yeah, it’s like you’re siblings right? Rowan: Exactly. It’s a closer relationship when it’s just the two of you. Tucker: Oh, okay. (There is a moment, then Johnny gets a text from Maisy that makes him rush onto his computer) Johnny: You guys wanna skype with Maisy? Tucker: The junior who’s friends with the fake-tits girl? Johnny: Yeah she has a nice a*s...And nice tits. Rowan: What’s she doing up? Johnny: She’s hanging out with friends, like we are, but all hot chicks. Tucker: Why would they want to skype us? Johnny: I think they’re just horny. I mean it’s all chicks there. They would love to talk with some guys. You heard about Isabella Martinez’s fifteenth birthday. Her brother was the only guy there and her friends her friends were all flirting with him and grinding on him and getting naked in front of him. Tucker: He’s like twelve… Johnny: I know, I’m jealous too. (Johnny starts a Skype conversation with Maisy and her friends. They don’t have audio or video and speak with Johnny through messages [Represented by Italics] not seen or heard onstage) Johnny: Sup girls. [Hey Johnny] Johnny:I can’t see you guys can you turn your camera on? [Our Camera doesn’t work] Johnny: Oh, your camera isn’t working? Well can I atleast here you guys? [We don’t have a microphone] Johnny: Your computer should have an internal mic. Let me see. What kind of model are you guys using? [This is fine] Johnny: No? Okay. We can make this work. What do you guys want to do? [We want to play a game] Johnny: A game? Okay...How about truth or dare? [Okay] Johnny: Okay, but I can’t give you any dares if I can’t see you guys. [Just truth then] Johnny: Okay, just truth, no dares. I’ll go first. What color bras are you wearing? Tucker: You can’t just ask them that. [We need to check] Johnny: Holy s**t, they’re checking! [Only Maisy has a bra on and it’s red] Johnny: So only Maisy has a red bra on? Well she should take it off and join the party. Free the n****e. (To Tucker and Rowan) This is so f*****g hot. [Our turn] Johnny: Okay, what do you want to ask me? [What color are your boxers?] Johnny: Mine? They’re pink. [No way] Johnny: I swear to god, I have bright pink boxers on. [Show us] Johnny: Fine, wanna see? (Johnny stands up and pulls his pants halfway down to show his blue boxers to the camera) [Those aren’t pink] Johnny: Fine, you got me, they’re blue. So what is my punishment? Tucker: Dumbass! [Who’s there with you?] Johnny: Oh, that’s just a friends. [We wanna play a different game] Johnny: A new game? Okay, what do you have in mind? [Kill, marry, f**k] Johnny: Ooh, “Kill, Marry, F**k”. Okay. You guys go first. [Jessica, Ella, and Stephanie] Johnny: The ones in my grade? [Yes] Johnny: Okay, that’s tough, are any of them there? [No] Johnny: Good, well I’d probably marry Ella, f**k Stephanie, and I guess I’d have to kill Jessica. [Really? You’d f**k Stephanie?] Johnny: Yeah, I think Stephanie is super hot. She has big knockers. [Okay your turn] Johnny: Okay...um...Richard Rowan, Richard Penner and Richard Tucker? [Ooh three Dicks] Johnny: Yeah the three Dicks. Tucker: Johnny don’t! Johnny: Shut up Dick! [We can’t agree on this one] Johnny: They can’t agree. [But we’d all f**k Tucker] Johnny: They said they’d all f**k Tucker! Tucker: What? (Tucker rushes around to Johnny’s computer to see the screen, he is caught on camera) [Ooh Tucker] Tucker: Hello...Girls… [We agreed we’d marry Rowan] Johnny: Rowan, get over here, they’d marry you. Rowan: You guys are dumbasses. [We wanna see Rowan] Johnny: They want to see you. Rowan: Fine… (Rowan walks to the computer screen) Rowan: What’s up. [Rowan you look so cute!] Rowan: Thanks. Johnny: I guess you have to kill Penner then. [Yeah, he’s kinda creepy] Johnny: Yeah, he is a little weird. Also you wouldn’t want to hook up with a gay guy. Tucker: Johnny! Johnny: What? It’s not like they don’t know that he’s gay. [We wanna play truth or dare] Johnny: Huh, you want more truth or dare? Okay. [We dare you guys to take off your shirts] Johnny: What? You can’t just dare us to do that. We can’t even see you guys. [We’ll send a pic if you do] Johnny: You promise you’ll send a picture? Of all of you? [Yes] Johnny: Okay, we’ll do it. Rowan: What do they want? Johnny: They want us to take our shirts off. Tucker: No way. Johnny: Come on dude, they’ll send a pic if we do. (Johnny takes off his shirt) Johnny: Come on guys don’t be p*****s. Tucker: Fine… (Tucker takes off his shirt. They both give a look to Rowan who is completely unconvinced until finally) Rowan: F**k it! (Rowan takes off his shirt) Johnny: Okay, we did our part… [Dance for us] Johnny: No, you said once we were shirtless you’d send us a picture. [Please] Johnny: Fine. (Johnny starts dancing) Johnny: They want us to dance. Tucker: Hell no! Johnny: Come on, they’ll send the picture. Don’t make me look like an idiot here. (Tucker hesitantly starts dancing, soon the two of them get into it) Johnny: No homo, but you really know how to move your body. Tucker: Thanks. Rowan: You guys are f*****g idiot. [*Maisy Sent a Picture] Johnny: Guys! The picture’s here! (Johnny opens the picture and the three of them look intently at the screen) Johnny: Guys, this is just a selfie with your tongues out. [Is it not good enough?] Johnny: No, it’s cute. You’re all beautiful. I was just hoping for something more. Come on, prove to me that you’re not wearing bras, if you know what I mean. Here, if you send a sexy pic then...one of us will...hump that pillow. Rowan: What the f**k! (Johnny picks up a pillow from the floor) Johnny: Come on! I know you guys like Tucker. He’ll hump this pillow if you send a sexy pic. Tucker: I’m not touching that dirty a*s pillow. Johnny: F**k it! I’ll hump the pillow. (Johnny starts wildly humping the pillow) Tucker: Stop doing that, you/ look retarded! Johnny: Send a pic! (Tucker tries grabbing the pillow from Johnny, but he pulls it back) Johnny: Come on, Tucker, You do it too! Pretend it’s Maisy’s sweet a*s and/ start ramming it! Tucker: Johnny, stop! (Penner sees this and enters in confusion) Rowan: Guys they’re recording us! (Rowan jumps away from the screen) Johnny: (Still humping the pillow) how do you know? Rowan: The red dot on the screen. It’s been on for the last few seconds. Tucker: F**k! Bro, turn it off. Johnny: I can’t get out of f*****g fullscreen! Rowan: Just shut down your computer! (Tucker presses a button on the monitor to turn it off) Rowan: That just turns off the monitor you dumbass! They can still see you! (Tucker reaches down and presses a button on the computer to turn it off) Johnny: Don’t do a force shutdown! That’s so bad for my PC! Tucker: Too bad! (The Computer turns off. They all stand there in shock) Tucker: We should cover the webcam… Rowan: Why? Tucker: What if they can still see? Rowan: They can’t, the computer’s off. Tucker: Still… (Tucker grabs a half-eaten bags of doritos) Tucker: Put this in front of the camera. (Johnny places the bag in front of his computer’s camera) Johnny: You didn’t have to force shutdown my computer. Rowan: It’s okay, he panicked. Pen: What happened? Tucker: Johnny let some chicks from our school film us dancing shirtless. You’re such a dumbass, Johnny, you shouldn’t have even Skyped with them in the first place. Johnny: Shut up, you were into it! Tucker: I was not! I was just going along with your stupid idea! Johnny: It’s not a big deal. I’ll call Maisy and tell her to delete that video. Rowan: Please. (Johnny calls Maisy, it rings and he gets her voicemail) Maisy’s Voicemail: Hello… Johnny: Hey Maisy. Maisy’s Voicemail: You’ve reached the voicemail box of Maisy- Johnny: She’s not picking up… Tucker: Call her again. Johnny: Maybe she went to sleep. It’s hella late. Rowan: There’s no way she went to sleep. She was just talking to us. Johnny: Okay, maybe she doesn’t have service. Rowan: You were texting her earlier. Johnny: Okay, then I don’t know! She’s purposely not picking up her phone for one reason or another. She has a twenty second video of us. So what? Rowan: So what? You and Tucker were dancing like idiots in that video and you started humping a pillow and saying it was Maisy’s a*****e. This is f*****g serious! Johnny: It really isn’t. They are probably just gonna save that video and jill-off to it when they get bored. Pen: jill-off? Johnny: Yeah, jill-off. It’s the girl version of masturbation. Guys jack-off and girls jill-off. Jack and Jill. There is nothing wrong with a bunch of chicks jilling off to a video of us. Tucker: They aren’t gonna do that. You have no f*****g idea what they could do with that s**t. They’re probably sending it to all their friends now and spreading it all over the internet. They’re gonna be laughing at us and telling all their friends how we’re all losers who would do anything they told us. They’re making fun of us for being up at f*****g two in the morning and strip dancing for them for what? The chance to possibly see a picture of their tits. We are so f*****g sad and they’re laughing at us for that reason. Johnny: It’s not sad to be stripping for a bunch of sexy ladies. We could’ve got some nudes if you guys didn’t p***y out. Rowan: We weren’t getting anything. They were f*****g toying with us. They clearly lied about their camera in audio. No white b***h in the suburbs doesn’t have a laptop with an internal microphone and camera. They knew we were asking for nudes when we got shirtless for them and asked for pics. It was f*****g obvious. Either they’re the dumbest c***s in the world or we just got played like a bunch of f*****g idiots. Either way, you gave those b*****s ammo to use against us. Johnny: It’s not like this was anything they haven’t seen. First of all, those were some s****y girls, they’ve probably seen a few penises and definitely have seen shirtless dudes before. You weren’t exposing anything. Rowan, post snapchat stories where you’re shirtless all the time. Tucker, you just uploaded a bunch of pics of you in a swimsuit in Hawaii. And for me it’s not a big deal since I’ve already had sex and know all that s**t already. Tucker: You/ had sex? Rowan: With/ who? Penner: Oh s**t! Johnny: Yeah, I had sex! With Taylor! And it felt f*****g amazing! Tucker: You/ f*****g a*****e! Rowan: Bro, that’s/ fucked up. Johnny: It was right there! On that couch where you were sitting. She came over after a her cheerleading practice and asked me to take her virginity. And it felt good, bro. She was so tight and I got her wet in seconds. She was on my lap moaning “Johnny! Johnny! Ugh! Take me Johnny!”. That’s right, she was screaming my name at the top of her lungs and she never even thought about you. I got further with her in two hours than you you did in two months! BEAT Rowan: You know, we said she was off limits. That’s a real dick move, bro. Johnny: You can’t just declare that a chick is “off-limits”. It’s a free-for-all out there. The sooner we just accept that the better. I’ll hook up with whoever the f**k I like, just so long as it means I’ll be getting more p***y than you, you and you! Tucker: Even my sister? Johnny: She’s not illegal or anything. Tucker: She’s in middle school. Johnny: Plenty of people lose their virginities in middle school. Rowan: Yeah, but with other middle-schoolers. F**k the three-year rule on this one, that’s just gross bro. Especially since it’s his sister. Johnny: If there’s grass/ on the field, play ball. Tucker: Shut the f**k up, you a*****e! That’s my little sister. Imagine if I started having sex with your older sister, or your cousin, or your mom. You don’t f**k your bros family. Pen: Technically it’s incest. Rowan: What? Pen: I mean, we all call each other bros. So we consider each other our brothers. So wouldn’t that mean that Tucker’s sister is also your sister and therefore you’d be having sex with your sister. That’s incest, bro. Rowan: Good/ point. Johnny: It’s not literal! Tucker: My sister’s in seventh grade, bro. When we were in seventh grade we didn’t even know what a condom looked like until we found one knotted up under the bleachers. We were completely unaware of all this important s**t that comes with having sex, like AIDS and Herpes and pregnancies. Remember, Isabella Martinez had sex in eighth grade and got pregnant. She had a huge f*****g breakdown in our life-skills class when they talked about abortion and she remembered having to make that decision. I don’t want to worry about my sister making that decision right now. So please, for the love of God, don’t f**k my sister. Johnny: I haven’t fucked your sister, yet. Tucker: Don’t ever f**k my sister. Don’t even joke about f*****g my sister. It scares me and it’s really a douchey thing to do to your bro. Rowan: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s against the “Bro Code”. Johnny: Okay, bro. I won’t even talk about your sister anymore, if you really don’t want me too. I’m sorry I talked about Taylor too. I was being an a*****e. I should have said nothing about it. Tucker: Thanks. Pen: Hug it out guys. (Tucker and Johnny get close, Tucker is timid about hugging Johnny, but he pulls him into a bear hug and the two of them share a moment of understanding) Johnny: Don’t worry about me f*****g Taylor anymore, she hasn’t texted me back since that happened. Tucker: Yeah, she does that. Pen: There you go...That’s good… Johnny: I bet you like this, Penner. Pen: Why? Johnny: Because you’re gay. Pen: What the f**k? I’m not gay. Johnny: Everyone thinks you’re gay. Pen: Well, I’m not gay. Johnny: So everyone’s wrong? Yeah, that makes sense. Pen: I’m not f*****g gay. Where did you get that idea. Rowan: You do act kinda gay, Pen. No offense. Johnny: Yeah, and now you’re taking drama classes and singing and s**t. Rowan: Also you got your nails painted, last summer. Pen: That was because a cute girl at summer camp offered to paint them. I wasn’t gonna say no to her. Johnny: But you seemed awful proud of them. And we never got to see this girl. It’s real suspicious that you couldn’t even find her on Facebook. Rowan: Yeah, sorry bro, your story doesn’t hold up. Pen: Fine, fuckers. Here you go. (Pen pulls out a smartphone and scrolls through it then points the screen out in front of him. Rowan and Johnny gather around it) Tucker: What’s that? Pen: Proof that I’m straight. Johnny: Penner, you a player. Pen: See, I told you I was flirting with someone. Rowan: Congratulations, bro! Johnny: He said she’s a nine. C’mon, show me some pictures of her. Pen: She hasn’t sent any pics. We aren’t dating yet. Johnny: Okay, but don’t you ever look her up on Facebook? She probably posts some good pictures on Facebook. (Johnny starts to look her up) Pen: Well, she’s not that photogenic. (Pen helps him look her up, Johnny sits back and looks at her for one second) Johnny: Well, atleast we know she exists. Pen: She’s a lot prettier in person. Johnny: I can see that. Her body is probably a nine, but she’s kind of a butterface. (Tucker is starting to go to sleep) Rowan: What’s that? Tucker: Hot body, ugly face, Johnny: I’d give her face, at least in this pic, probably a five. So overall she’s a seven, maybe eight. Rowan: That’s pretty good, bro. Johnny: Yeah...It’s so cool that you and I are gonna have girlfriends soon. We have never been in relationships at the same time bro. Pen: Well, I’ve never been in a relationship. Johnny: Yeah, but this is gonna be so nice. Summer is gonna be hella fun. We can do a double date. You, me, Elizabeth, and Phoebe all go to the beach or get pizza. Ooh! We could have a foursome, bro! Yeah! Let’s do that this summer! Pen: The school year isn't even over yet. And I don’t know if I’m gonna date her, yet. Johnny: Why wouldn’t you? She’s f*****g fine! Pen: I still don’t know if we’re just friend flirting or not. Johnny: Bro, from what I just saw, you definitely have a chance with this girl. You should go for it. Rowan: Yeah, you deserve her, bro. Pen: Thanks. Johnny: Can I read the rest of your conversation? I wanna see your technique. Pen: Um...Okay...But I gotta warn you: I’m pretty damn smooth. Johnny: Lemme see. (Johnny takes Pen’s phone reads his texts with Elizabeth) Johnny: Ooh! “You know what’s beautiful? Read the first word. It’s you.” Nice line, bro. Pen: I got that one off the internet. Johnny: You should let me text her for awhile. I have some great lines that I could use on her. Pen: That’s okay… Johnny: Seriously, I could get her to send you nudes. I’m that good. Pen: Maybe, in the morning. Johnny: Gimme it now, I’ll text her at like six AM saying “Good morning sexy”. Then I’ll flirt her up till she’s basically begging for your c**k. Pen: Fine, keep it. But ask me before you send anything. Johnny: Nice! Penner’s gonna bang a nine! Pen: We’ll see. Rowan: Yo, guys, check out Tucker. (They look at Tucker who is lying on the couch with his eyes closed) Pen: Tucker, are you awake? Tucker: Yeah… Pen: Yeah, Tucker’s sleeping. Tucker: I’m not sleeping, you a*****e… Pen: Shh...It’s okay buddy, go to sleep. Rowan: He’s got an early day tomorrow, taking care of his sister while his parents are away. Johnny: Hottie! Rowan: Stop it. Johnny: Sorry. Pen: Nighty, night Tucker. Tucker: I’m not sleeping. Pen: Aw...He’s all “Tuckered” out. Tucker: Shut up... Pen: Want me to “Tuck” you in. Tucker: You’re so stupid. Johnny: I know what you’re doing Tucker, acting all tired so you can take the couch before I get to it. Not in my house son. (Johnny lifts Tucker off the couch and throws him on the floor. He play-wrestles Tucker on the floor. The two laugh out of sleep-deprived delirium) Rowan: Let him sleep, bro. Johnny: Okay, but he’ll sleep on the floor. Where he belongs. Tucker: Fine, gimme a blanket. (Rowan takes a blanket off his chair and lays it on Tucker) Rowan: Here you go, bro. Tucker: Thanks, Rowan. Johnny: The couch is for me and Penner. Only guys who are getting laid. Pen: I’m not getting laid yet. Johnny: But you will be soon. Till then you’re bunking on the couch with me. Pen: so you want to sleep with me? Johnny: Shut up. Pen: We gonna spoon? Johnny: Shut up, fagoot. Pen: You know you love me. Rowan: Guys, it’s almost four in the morning. Pen: Oh, f**k, really? Johnny: You guys need to be up early tomorrow? Pen: Nah. Johnny: Then we’ll sleep in. Rowan: I should get to sleep soon. My dad’s picking me up hella early on his way to work. Johnny: My mom can drive you home in the afternoon. Rowan: I got a lot of homework to catch up on, I could use the time awake. Johnny: Okay bro, you can sleep next to Tucker. Rowan: Yeah, I’ll get to bed soon. Either of you guys wanna play some online chess? Pen: I’m in. Rowan: Cool, I’ll send you the link for it. Johnny: I’m gonna be listening to dubstep, so don’t bother me. Rowan: No problem. Penner: Have fun. (Johnny puts on headphones and begins to doze in his chair.) Penner: What’s your username? Rowan: TheRowBoat. Penner: Found you, I sent you a friend request. Start a game with me. Rowan: On it. (The two boys play chess in silence for a moment) Rowan: I think I’m gonna reginster for drama class. Pen: Really? Isn’t it too gay for you? Rowan: Yeah, but I see how happy you are there. And now you met this chick in drama. Maybe, if I join, I could meet someone too. Pen: There are a ton of hot chicks in my class. Rowan: Oh yeah? On Monday I’ll talk to my counselor and ask her to sign me up. Pen: Sounds good. Rowan: Are you gonna stay in the class next year? Pen: You know, I think I will. Especially if you’re registering. Rowan: Thanks, bro. That’s gonna be fun. Pen: It will. BEAT Rowan: Checkmate! Pen: How the hell did you do that? Rowan: I’ve been playing with my dad since I was in elementary school. I got, like freakishly good. Pen: Damn… Rowan: Wanna rematch? Pen: I think I’m done. I want to get some sleep tonight. Rowan: Aw, lame…Yo, Johnny! Wanna play me in chess? (Johnny is asleep) Rowan: Johnny! Pen: I think he fell asleep. Rowan: Johnny! You awake? Pen: Yo, Johnny! Christina just posted nudes! Come see! Rowan: Johnny! Maisy texted you back! She said she enjoyed your pillow-sex! Pen: Hey, Johnny! Tucker’s sister called, she wants you to pop her cherry! Rowan: Omigod, that’s so fucked up! Pen: Well if he didn’t wake up to that, he won’t wake up to anything. Rowan; Yep, he’s probably dead. Pen: He died doing what he loved. Listening to awful music. Rowan: Rest in peace, sweet prince. Pen: This means I can take the couch without having to share it with him. Rowan: I thought you wanted to cuddle with him. Pen: I’m not that gay, bro. Rowan: How gay are you? Pen: I’d say...Thirty-percent gay. Rowan: I see, so Tucker’s the hot Richard, I’m the quiet Richard and you’re the thirty-percent gay Richard? Pen: Yep, I’m the only Dick that kinda likes dick. Rowan: Goodnight bro. Pen: Goodnight. (Pen falls asleep. Rowan is the only person awake onstage. He shuts his computer down and gets up. He looks at all his sleeping friends.) Rowan: I like it here...I really do… [BLACKOUT] © 2017 Nick MooreAuthor's Note
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Added on February 10, 2017 Last Updated on February 10, 2017 Tags: Teen, drama, comedy, boy, political, play, theater, coming of age, computers, video games, dark, swearing, vulgar, naturalism, young, sex, deconstruction, modern |
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