Online Multiple Personality Disorder

I think this story is important to tell. Both to keep victims from being taken in, and to stop the fakers from hurting people ... including themselves.

Anyone who has spent any time online has encountered one.  Whether you know it or not, you have. Everyone talks about them … with disgust, dismay, scorn, ridicule, and maybe even a touch of pity. Perhaps you have been tricked by one yourself. At the very least you might have fallen for something they said and believed it to be true. At most, perhaps you were drawn into their lies and deceptions and became involved with them. And the worst case scenario? You fell in love with one, gave your heart to one, and got hurt beyond belief by one.  

Everyone hates them, and wishes they would stop their stupid and pointless games.  Their very existence online causes people to be suspicious of others and doubt them, so that those who are perfectly legitimate and honest are subject to unfair questioning and accusations. Everyone has a story, of this person or that, on a forum, a message board, in a chat room, even on an online dating service, who was dishonest in some way.  I am sure you have a story yourself to tell. Certainly there are plenty of stories being told out there.

 

But what of the person himself … the person behind the online persona? How many people are willing to come out and tell that story? I have looked, believe me. I have found stories of internet addiction, of sex addiction, and how the two seem intertwined in many cases. I have poured over tale after tale of those taken in, somehow, by the lies and deception. But so far, I have only found one,  in all my searching about the other side of the story, and that was a brief cry for help and advice from an anonymous account on a “questions” website …  that was written 3 years ago. That cry for help was, predictably, responded to with scorn, hatred, put-downs, profanity, name-calling, and a demand for the person to STOP NOW.

 

In telling how I came to this point, am I making excuses, or trying to ask for sympathy, or even compassion? Not at all. I realize more than anybody the damage and heartache that can be caused by lies and deceit. I know damn well that the only thing that comes from a fake relationship is very real pain and anger, a loss of self-esteem and destruction of trust that cannot be recovered.  What I am doing here by telling this story is trying to help others out there. Help those that might get caught up in this bollocks, either as one who gets fooled or … as the one who does the fooling.  To try and stop this horrible behavior before it destroys someone else’s life. For even as I know that I cannot seem to find other people’s stories out there told from the faker’s point of view, I know that I cannot possibly be the only one. 

 

The year was 2000. The new millennium.  The world had not ended and the computers had not turned back to 0. As a matter of fact, PCs were becoming more popular, and more accessible. Hell, even I managed to get one. A free AOL cd-rom and my phone cord plugged into the back, and I was thrust into a whole new world ... known back then as the World Wide Web.

 

The first night I had access, I stayed up until way past the morning light. Okay let’s be honest, the first week I had the internet, I slept maybe 5 hours. I was on a tweak without the meth, an amp without the cocaine. I was strung-out and this was only the beginning, for I had not even discovered message boards and online forums yet. I was merely surfing, looking for information, looking up words to songs and checking out images and whatever else was available at that time.

Whenever I saw or heard an advert or such and they offered their website address, I was there, dropping everything to check online and see. People whom I never called or talked to in person I would contact via email. If they did not have an email, I would stop communication. I became a virtual recluse ... my only real friend, form of entertainment, or hobby became the computer.

 

And as I said, this was only the beginning. I am not a huge fan of the tely for a variety of reasons, but there was a show I enjoyed. The Osbournes. Perhaps you remember it? It was truly one of the very first reality series that came out. I watched it initially because of my being a huge Ozzy fan. I got sucked into it though because of the whacked out, crazy family life that was at once funny, annoying, and extremely dysfunctional ... like most families but with that rock-n-roll edgy excess that made them different at the same time.

 

Of course my addiction to the internet and this show led me to the MTV webpage for The Osbournes. On that page I discovered something that would lead to my eventual undoing ... the online forum. I started by posting something inane about the show, and being amused when others responded to my post. Soon I was embroiled in various "flame wars" as the lines between the show's fans versus the trolls and haters became drawn. Those of us who were hard-core fans as well as being clever posters became united and eventually began private emails to one another. We had our private "in jokes" that we posted on the board, as well as always backing each other up in the posting wars.  A club had developed, that of the "cool kids" on the site. Being as how I had never, ever, been a "cool kid" in my life, and in fact had few friends, I was very excited and all the more committed to the life I was developing online.

 

At one point there was a guest on the show, someone who dated Kelly, the daughter, and created a stir on the message board. Damned if I can remember his name, which is ironic considering that his appearance wound up changing the course of my life online for many, many years to come. At any rate, many people, fans and haters alike, were posting negative comments about this guy on the board. I had personally found him kind of cute in a strange way, but instead of my defending him, I decided (with the awareness of the other "cool kids" on the board) to create a fake account and post while posing as him.

 

Of course, most of the posters began screaming "faker" straight away, while those in the know played along, asking "him" goofy questions which "he" answered in character. My friends privately congratulated me for giving them such a good laugh and for "nailing" this guy's style in my posts so perfectly. We all thought it was a gas and by the next week and the new posts related to the latest episode hit the forum, it all blew over and was forgotten. 

Or so I thought. For over the next few days, I received two emails. Both said basically the same thing: 

"Hey sexy, I saw your posts on the Osbournes board and wanted to say hi! Are you still going out with Kelly? I hope not because I really love you and would love to spend some time chatting with you! Please PLEASE write me back okay???

 

Any normal, sane, grounded, decent human being would have responded to these emails with a "sorry it was just a joke, I am not really him" and been done with it. Maybe possibly have added, "but I would still be happy to chat" in the hopes of making a new online friend.

 

But I guess I am none of those things. For I pretended to be that guy. And they believed me. And thus the faker-hood officially began. 

 

 

I became "Bert"... I remember his name now ... and my online life had taken a dark and twisted turn. No longer just me, a poster on message boards, an image collector, a web-surfer, now I was throwing most of my online energy into playing the part of this musician in a band.

 

I was flirting and making false promises and telling each girl that she was the only one I was interested in. Ironically I did feel something for each lass, for each had different appeals for me, and as well for Bert, I imagined. One was older, in her 30s, with 3 children whom she was raising on her own. She had blonde hair and huge breasts, as well as a lovely smile. The other was younger, with a sort of Chloe Kardashian (an unknown back then) look about her and an air of extreme innocence and dissatisfaction with her life that I could relate to.

 

When I was not pretending to be Bert, I was researching him like a fiend so that I could present him in as real and aware light as possible. I flubbed though, and the older one caught me more than once. "I thought you were in New York, but I read an article that came out two days ago saying you were in LA?"

 

I very quickly learned the art of covering the lie with yet another and then, if my excuse was doubted in any way, becoming angry and threatening to cut off the relationship. "Who are you going to believe, some media f****r, or me?" I would demand.

 

A huge error on my part involved my contention that I/Bert had 3 adored cats. I even supplied names for each one, feeling confident from my research that my subject had nothing published stating whether or not he had pets. Of course the older lady wound up coming across yet another article, in which Bert was said to have a dog, who he spent endless hours with when he was not performing, and he even took him to shows.

 

"I TOLD you about the dog," I insisted, so adamantly that I convinced her she must have forgotten. Or at least that was what she told me in order to appease me.

 

The unraveling began when Bert’s band went on tour. Of course the tour dates would involve the cities in which each female resided! I stupidly told the younger one (I think in general I preferred her, as she tended to ask no questions and just be happy with endless hours of back and forth flirtation which eventually progressed to cyber sex, of course, although I had not yet discovered the chat-box) that I would meet her at some cafe in her town and we would go to the show together. I spun endless hours of fantasies how we would meet up and party backstage before the show, how I would sit her right upfront throughout the show and then of course, off to the hotel where we would have sex like fiends until I was dragged away to the next gig.

 

In some small part of me, I wished to hell this was all true. I spent time when I was not on the pc fantasizing the scenario and imagining every detail of "our" time together. This too was to become a pattern for me, getting so immersed in the lies and daydreams that I almost believed them to be true. She believed it hook, line, and sinker. And of course, that day came when Bert’s band did hit her city and ... I performed my first cut and run operation. The first of many. I simply stopped writing to her, stopped answering her emails, although I did read them.

 

"I was at the cafe and you weren't! What happened? What did I do wrong? Did I anger you??? I miss you so much, please answer me!!!" The guilt tore me apart as I pictured this poor lovely young girl, sitting at a cafe thinking that she was about to have the most wonderful night with her rock-n-roll dream man, and he never showed up. Not once in the few emails I read after that did she question if I was a liar, if maybe I really had not been Bert. All she did was question, over and over, what SHE had done wrong. Rather than make me feel bad though about the extent of the deception, I felt relieved that she had not guessed I was a faker. The sickness got worse …

 

The other lady and I continued to write, as "my" tour was not hitting her city for weeks. She began to ask me how I would feel being a step-father, how I would like moving into her house and having this as my "home-base" as she put it. Then came the demands for phone calls. The excuses I made became lamer and harder to come up with, and after a particularly draining exchange, in which she kept asking "do you really love me or am I just a f**k to you?" I made up my mind, and deleted the account. To further purge "Bert" from my life, I went through my "pictures" folder and deleted every single image of him, as well as all the photos sent to me by the two females I had been obsessed with corresponding with for the past few months.

 

I was done. I was through with this insane pretending, with the lying, the guilt, the compulsion to be on the pc 24/7 ... I was done with it all. I waited for the expected relief as I turned off the computer and went to prepare a meal for myself. I did not feel it. Instead I felt ... empty. Lonely. Lost and without purpose.

 

I didn't get it. I should be glad this stupid lunacy was put behind me and I could move on. But I wasn't. I did not realize it now, but it was the feeling I had experienced when I quit drugs. As a matter of fact, I had managed to stay clean for about the length of time I had become enamored of the internet. I did not realize that at the time, either.

I just knew that without being "Bert" I did not know what to do with myself anymore.

 

 

I went back to using and drinking for awhile, my other major addictions. I stared at the tely despite my dislike of it but nothing seemed to register. I tried to get lost in books, but same thing. Could not get interested. I even joined a couple new sites, as myself, online but ... it wasn't the same. I hated myself too much and felt so dull, so boring in comparison to the online persona I had presented. At any rate, nobody was interested in me. Honestly I tried so many things just to stay away from the internet itself, because I missed the fun of being Bert and having pretty ladies to write with. Anything less was just not satisfying.

 

Again I am not trying to make excuses, just showing how my twisted mind works. 

I was not shooting up, which was good, but started smoking drugs as well as drinking well over a 30-pack of beer a day. Not very healthy at all, and while I watched what I ate and did some working out, I generally felt sluggish. However, I started feeling absolutely horrid around February of 2003, to the point where severe stomach and back cramps sent me to the emergency room. Since I was high at the time I went, I really did not reveal much about myself or my lifestyle, and was fairly suspicious when a blood test was taken. At any rate, I was given some pain medication (which I was not complaining about a bit) and sent home to await the test results.

 

After a week or so, I got a phone call. My lab results awaited at my regular doctors office, and I needed to go in and talk. "Great," I thought, "they found out about the dope I've been doing." I fully expected to go in and be arrested for drug use, and wondered if I would get a good cell or not.

 

So when I was told instead, "you tested positive for Hepatitis C" I was almost relieved. I heard the "tested positive" part and my heart lurched, but then when they said "Hepatitis C" instead of "drugs" there was a sense of relief. For a moment. Then I realized what that meant and I began to flip out.

 

Anyway this is not a story about that. Just a bit of back-story to explain why I stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol again. Now on to the next bit of the story.

 

It was June 2003. I was going out of my mind with loneliness and boredom. I discovered a new playground on the internet, the chat room. This was interesting indeed, because instead of the emails, where you wrote to the person, and then had to wait for their response, instant gratification was possible.

 

Being myself quickly was boring and fruitless. I am just not that attractive, sexy, or interesting a person. I also tended to like both men and women in their 20s, while I was older, and wished I was younger. So ... I started to fudge. Just a bit at first. I posted a few untruths about myself, but I did not even have photos to back up the younger age and more interesting lifestyle I claimed to have. So I thought ... or didn't think ... why not lie about my looks? Since I was lying about other things, what was the harm? And since I was lying about that, why not lie about my name, location, and everything else. This time though, I wasn't going to be stupid about it. I would not be pretending I was a musician in a band that was known, someone semi-famous. This time, I would create a persona from scratch.

 

I began to explore ways to acquire photos of others. As I said, I like both men and women, so of course had looked at the hot profiles of gay men on some of those websites. I found one which I cannot for the life of me recall, but which featured hundreds of links to different guys' private websites, most of whom were nude or semi-nude models. Looking back, I think how stupid was I to believe that posting photos of a model would not eventually get me caught, but at the time, it made sense. If I altered the pics a bit, such as cropping or changing the lighting, or even flipping them vertically, did that not change them up enough to render them unrecognizable? Besides, the model I picked was from a small-town in the middle of Canada, who would know him?

 

I created a name, Gerardo, an occupation, painter, and set him in a town in Italy which I had visited when I lived in Italy as a youth, so that I knew the town. Another pattern I was to develop. I tried very hard to keep the facts straight and so would try to use bits and pieces from my own life to incorporate into the fake life. For authenticity.

 

Gerardo hit the Yahoo Singles chat like an explosion. While some of the people in there found it hard to believe such a hot looking guy would be hanging about in a chat room, others were ready and willing to swallow the tale. Before I knew it I had a few people who I "PM"d with on a regular basis. Both cute lads and sweet lasses. To be honest I cannot remember their names ... and again, when they started getting too close, I would drop them. I did not wish to lose Gerardo, so I would find reasons to get angry and then make it seem like the lack of communication was their fault, not mine. This was another pattern I was developing.

 

The chat-room wound up being too crowded eventually, and so it splintered into a few different ones. There was a new  and more exclusive chat-room, and I was invited to join that one. I was now one of the "cool kids" again, and I loved it. However, the guy-to-girl ratio was off, and many of the females complained that the room needed more men. So I created Eddy, who was Gerardo’s best mate and occasional lover, to join the party. Ironically, both men were rarely in the room at the same time, as Gerardo worked days and Eddy worked nights, but no-body seemed to take note of that.

 

While Gerardo was my main profile, and Eddy was my secondary, both got action in different ways.  Gerardo was more the aggressive, dominating one who was drop-dead gorgeous and not afraid to order his lovers around. I had not yet progressed to being a Dom in a persona, but I was getting there. Eddy meantime was a bit more shy and reserved, but still adorable in looks. I preferred being Gerardo over being Eddy, but felt that in order for Eddy to seem authentic, he needed to do some private chatting as well.

 

As I said, remembering names is tough and likely should not even be disclosed regardless, to protect the victims of this insanity, but I will say that I would up with one woman who I chatted with and who cyber-sexed with both personas, and discovered that I really liked that dynamic. She often asked why she could not talk to both at the same time, so we could have some threesomes, and I did at times act as if both guys were in the same room together, using the pc alternately, in order to fully drive her mad. And myself as well. I definitely liked playing the two men/one woman scene and also set those up many times with an actual other man and a woman as well. All online, of course, only in my fantasies.

 

It got out of hand, and soon this woman was planning to come to the town she thought that Gerardo and Eddy lived in. Meantime, I was playing online with others, both as Eddy and as Gerardo. As the hapless female progressed with her plans, I began to get that familiar feeling of doom, which caused me to come up with a string of misfortunes for both gents, leading her astray and postponing the inevitable. Eventually, as with the situation with Bert, I just stopped writing to her and chatting with her.

 

I left the chat room scene and went back to message boards, promising myself no more chat boxes! If I could just keep my distance and have my fun in posting on boards and the occasional email, I could avoid trouble again.

 

Of course, I accidentally more than once posted as "Eddy" when I was really on "Gerardo's" account, and visa-verse. Oh the shaking and nervous tension that I would experience when that happened! Sometimes no-one noticed. and I would breathe easier. When they did, I came up with the excuse that one had been at the other's home and the latter must not have signed out of his own account. Since I was so obsessed with being authentic, I had developed two very distinct styles for each character. Another pattern emerged. The one I preferred being, Gerardo, was articulate and wrote quite well. Eddy on the other hand had quite a few spelling and grammar errors and used slang quite often.  I tended to use this same technique with future personas who were supposed to know each other in real life.

 

Real life. Whatever that is …

 

At any rate, Gerardo  eventually was busted on a message board. Someone saw the real guy, the model. posing in a gay magazine and posted the link, exposing him ... ME ... as being a faker and a liar. It was the first time I was ever called that and it stung beyond belief. The thoughts of how to explain this away swirled through my head, and someone even posted after the original post that maybe Gerardo was a model and had not told anyone. Someone who Gerardo and Eddy had written to and flirted with, no less. That lad was offering me a way out, a way to redeem Gerardo and make excuses for him. I did post such an excuse to some extent, but I also bowed out of both accounts, closing them for good and once again, deleting photos of both personas and all the men and women who had sent me shots of themselves, thinking I was those guys.

 

Once more, I was done. This was pathetic, humiliating and just plain stupid. It was mean and cruel to lead people on, as well as a bit dangerous. Certainly it was not something I ever needed to do again. Never. Ever!

 

 

 

I forgot to mention another important aspect of this whole fakery and that was my justification (at the time. I now realize there is NO justification for this behaviour). For I told myself I was not just doing this for my own pleasure and ego boost, but for the good of my partners. Every person (especially I admit, the women) whom I got close to in this way had self-esteem issues. Some would say that I picked on those very people with low self-esteem to get what I wanted, which was to use them. I do not deny that I used them, but that was not my purpose … or at least that is what I told myself. My intent was to lift them up, make them feel good about who they were, point out their strengths and positive attributes, and then hope that with this new-found confidence I helped them achieve, they would go out and have a “real relationship.”

 

Some actually did just that, with Enrico and Ramon… but I am getting ahead of myself.

 

At any rate, the two lasses that Bert spent so many hours online with were broken in different ways when I first met them. The single mother sent a couple pictures of herself, dowdy and wearing baggy clothing, looking sad and pathetic. She spoke of how her ex leaving her for a younger woman had completely devastated her and left her feeling ugly, unworthy, and unwanted. I told her that I saw a beauty in her, a hidden fire that longed to burst free from within her. This was not lies, for I truly did see that in her. She took this in like elixir, these kind words from a stranger, and began to blossom, taking belly dancing lessons to firm her body and become more graceful and sensuous, buying more flattering clothing and having her hair cut in a more youthful style. Soon pictures of her were sent which showed a more attractive and confident women, her smile making her face glow and her body shown off in her new clothes.

 

The younger girl as well had sent me a picture. It showed her in a group shot, surrounded by thinner and more self-assured members of her family, herself being the frumpy one with her hair pulled back, no make-up, arms tightly crossed to hide her belly. She had never had a boy ask her out, never been kissed, had been sheltered all of her life, and often thought of suicide, something I was all too familiar with. Again, I told this lass that I saw many things in her, both from her photo and from what she said in our emails, and again, I was not lying. She just needed someone to come along and tell her that she was beautiful and worthy of love. She needed to believe it, and I guess hearing it from Bert, the rock musician, helped her to believe it. I encouraged her to let down her hair, so to speak, to try wearing more attractive clothes, to eat more nutritious foods to feel better, to put on some lip-gloss and learn how to swim, something she had always wished to do but had been afraid. Within weeks, her new photos arrived. The transformation was almost breathtaking, and I actually did shed a tear when I saw how truly beautiful she looked.

 

I like to think that these ladies kept up the good work on building their self-esteem and confidence, as well as those who Gerardo and Eddy also helped encourage. There was one very painful shy and lonely lad who was just adorable. But of course, he did not see that. In addition to his concern that he was not “built” or possessing the standard good-looks of male models and porn-stars, he was in the closet with family and friends, terrified to come out. With Gerardo's support, he began to work out and eat more protein-based foods, and sent Gerardo weekly photos showing off his progress. He as well attained a more flattering hairstyle and took better care of his skin. Watching this lad bloom gave me mixed feelings I admit. I was so proud of him, happy for him, but yet also felt some twinges of envy. I would never be young like that again or have the chance he had to have a good life. I was living vicariously not only through being Gerardo, but also through this lad and his coming of age.

 

When he did gain the courage to come out to his best friends and some relatives, Gerardo was there to help him say the right things, to advice and counsel, to be his cheerleader and tell him that he could do this. And later, when the triumphs and relief were felt, Gerardo was there as well to congratulate him and say “I knew you could do it!” And when the lad apologetically admitted that he had been out to clubs and wound up “hooking up” with some hot guy, Gerardo was there to tell him “good going, of course we can just be friends now!”

 

Again, I like to think that this forward momentum was continued, and that my playing online was not entirely destructive and harmful to others. But perhaps I am just fooling myself. For example, sure I made the virgin lass feel better, dress better, learn to swim, wear make-up, and come out of her shell. But what happened to her when I pulled that trick of standing her up at the cafe and never returning her emails? I would not know, now would I, because I simply vanished. Or rather, Bert did. And I have proof that with others, the deception was devastatingly painful and did hurt them very deeply. I cannot deny this and no amount of justification can explain or excuse what I done.

 

I am willing to own up to this now. I have to, I have to make my peace with God before He takes me. I feel as if I am running out of time to do this and so I am rushing through my story, and hoping it gets out there before tis too late. Not just for me, but for anyone out there who is affected, either as a victim or as a perpetrator.

 

Stop, before someone gets hurt. Get help, get support, get away from the computer and find a better life than in front of this damn screen! If you suspect in any way that someone is lying to you, leading you on … you are probably right. Follow your instincts, as they say, if it looks to good to be true, then it probably is. If you, like me, are out there lying and deceiving and thinking tis all good fun, think again. These people you are hurting, they are not just words and pictures on a screen. They are real, live human beings, and even if you get away with it and do not get caught in your bollocks, you do not really get away with it. God knows, and even if you do not not believe in God, YOU know the truth of who you are and what you are doing. Stop … please get help. There are support groups out there for internet addiction, for sex addiction, for general addiction even if you cannot find one specifically for this particular problem. See a therapist, like I am, and work to overcome this horrible compulsion.

 

It is not just fun and games. Trust me. I have obviously not been a person whom anyone could trust for a long time, but take my word for it on this. This is a serious problem and it needs to be taken as such.

 

I shall now get off my soap box and move on in my tale. Onto Blogger, and the creation of Ramon.

 

 

 

Ramon was truly meant to be a blogger only, a guy with great words and hot photos, both of himself and some depicting a lifestyle I had always admired but recently become completely enamored of, BDSM.

 

This was sometime in 2004. I am thinking summertime, but I could be wrong. At any rate, I was once again bored, lonely and beyond depressed. I had given up Gerardo and Eddy and once more was struggling very hard to “be good” and stay away from the internet. When I did go online I was sort of aimless as I checked out various sites, sent out a few boring emails here and there as “me” and researched this thing called BDSM with much interest.

 

I definitely was attracted to the idea of being a Master, of being called Sir and having multiple male and female slaves to do my bidding. As well I loved the idea of having that “one” whom I would love, care for, and protect. I had this notion that if I were a Master, I would be very firm, almost cruel at times, yet also be loving and tender.

 

A strong contrast to the real me, an older guy with health issues, wheelchair-bound much of the time and with extreme mental problems. Ironically, I suffered from issues with low self-esteem and trust, as well as severe social anxiety and what I now know is called agoraphobia. So while I longed to be this strong, dominating Master, I knew this would never come to pass in real life for me.

 

And so … I once again started formulating a plan. How I could “live” this life that I so strongly desired. How I could let out this part of me that was unfulfilled and longing to be satisfied, crying out to be expressed.

 

Google had developed something called Blogger, and it was sort of a precursor to Badoo, Twitter, Facebook and the like. At least for me it was. It was my first exposure to the land of creating a profile and making it “you” … or in my case, who I wanted to be. I had learned my lesson about using anyone famous or who could be discovered easily (or so I thought) such as a model, and had found a website in which millions of gay men from all over the world and of all backgrounds posted photos of themselves in hopes of “hooking up” with one another.

 

The beauty of the website was that you did not have to have a photo in order to create a profile, but could easily have access to thousand upon thousands of photos that others posted. The chances of being caught with fake photos greatly reduced, I began to comb through the website looking for the perfect hot guy to snag pictures from in order to create my new persona.

 

It took awhile. Most of the guys were fairly ordinary looking, which one would expect from ordinary men, right? But finally I came across the profile of one fellow, who had tons of great shots of himself, as well as himself with a partner. Some of the photos were clearly taken professionally but still had enough of an “amateur” look to them to not be that of a model, and others were more casual, outdoor type shots.

 

The guy was, in a word, gorgeous. How I longed to look. Early 30's, piercing eyes, shaved head, muscles but not TOO built (again, I definitely did not want that “model” look) tattoo, piercings … everything I longed to be but was not.

 

I set his age as early 30's, his town the rocking city of Perugia, his occupation bartender, his past-times sex, BDSM, hanging out in clubs., favourite band Type O Negative, and began to blog. At first no-one seemed to notice the hot and enticing Ramon. For him I definitely affected a very strong Italian accent, with not much misspelling but heaps of slang and throwing in the occasional Italian word or phrase, and so forth. In time, others took notice of his blogs about being a Master as well as the photos he illustrated these blogs with.

 

One such was another Italian person who was misplaced, but not living in Italy. While I enjoyed her comments on my blogs and began commenting on hers as well, something was not quite comfortable there and I kept a distance. Besides, she was married, and while she was clearly not happy in the marriage, to me that meant hands off. When it was discovered that she and Ramon shared the same birthday (supposedly) but different years, we began to call one another fratello e sorella, brother and sister, terms which we kept up for many years to come.

 

Her friends became mine, many of them, and soon a huge circle began to develop. Everyone was entranced by Ramon and his antics, his tales of drinking too much and winding up in strange and interesting sexual situations. I was the life of the party and yet felt safe and at a distance, for it was all just blogging and posting on other people's blogs, nothing too close or dangerous. Yet.

 

A very submissive and downright kinky lass sent me a private message via Blogger, taking note of how hot I was and how very dominating I seemed to be. Basically she begged to be hurt and humiliated, wanting no strings attached, no talk of anything beyond the words on the screen and to strictly practice BDSM in high style. I could not resist, after all, here was something safe, but a bit more than mere blogging activity. Her Blogger profile was very nondescript, a photo of some hands that were bound, no real blogs to speak of, only 3 other friends, all male.

 

It was with her (who knows actually, this may have been a “he” in real life) that I was able to explore the darkest sides of my sexuality, to be called Sir and treat someone with complete and utter cruelty and have them beg for more. I did everything to her, online of course, that I had ever desired to do, and gained a great deal of confidence in my abilities to portray a strong and sadistic Master the fullest. She told me over and over that I was the best, the very best, Dom she had ever cybered with. I believed her, though now of course I wonder. Considering how full of shite I have been, who am I to assume that others were not as well?

 

She would not tolerate though my desires to be kind and comfort my submissive after discipline. Twas always time for her to go, very abruptly, when I would start to do that. And eventually, she stopped writing just as abruptly, her profile remaining untouched for months after our last correspondence.

 

It was okay with me, for I had grown rather bored of the exchanges. They had become quite predictable even in their extreme kinkiness and S/M slants. Sadly I found myself wanting something more, something more personal, intimate and loving … even as I knew from the past that was a dangerous way to play.

 

I remember one particularly restless night turning up in a BDSM chat room and asking “any subs in the room?” I recall how chatters responded with, “no why, you hungry for a sandwich or what?” As well as “no, try looking underwater!” I was about to say something angry and leave the room when I was privately PM'd.

 

“I am a sub, what can I do for you Sir?” Ahhh, here we go!

 

Score.

 

The first thing I remember about this lady was that she turned me on to the band Unhelig. A wonderful contribution to my life indeed. She was another single mum and another who eventually toyed with the idea of my being a father to her kids. I have never had children, but have always longed for a family, so I slid into that fantasy easily enough. She even had her children get online to chat with me, especially when one needed discipline, and this gave me some pangs of guilt, knowing that nothing we were building in this dream world was ever going to really happen.

 

But most of the discipline that went on was with her being punished. It was a fun diversion for me and I slipped so easily into the Master role one would have thought I had been doing it for the whole of my life.

 

As ever, I allowed myself to be pulled into talk of eventually meeting for real, of living together, building a life together, a life which even though I longed for it with all my heart, I know would never come to pass.

 

At one point I remember her speaking of a real-life Master she had, a Russian, who was “back in town” and asking to visit her. Real feelings of jealousy infused me as I casually inquired if she was going to see him. She informed me that no, she was in love with me, and did not wish to cheat on me.

 

I was horrified by her statement, “I get everything I need from you Ramon, mind, body, heart and soul. I belong to you completely, don't you believe me?”

 

Here she had a real live Dom and a handsome one and that (I had asked to see pictures) but I had her wrapped around my finger. Me, this guy on a computer, whom she had never had contact. I gave her everything she needed? The “body” part kept niggling at me. Giving up real-life contact with another person in exchange for one she had never really met?

 

In the hopes of meeting me someday, somehow, someway. She lived in Geneva; I remember that now as well. I found her manner of phrasing, the cute terms, very endearing indeed. But still, I drifted away.

 

I threw myself back into Blogger, telling myself that I MUST avoid the chatbox. Like an alcoholic who says he will only drink beer and not whiskey, or only on the weekends but not after work. Trying to control this maniacal obsession when I was clearly out of control and only destined to get worse.

 

 

Ramon had quite a few other “cyber affairs” but these were via email or Blogger message only and generally I stuck to blogging activity to not get involved with anyone in particular and stay out of trouble. There were some fly-by-night bouts of playing in addition to friends with benefits type contact. Nothing too serious or intense, just fun with no strings attached. I was maintaining a distance and felt I had myself under control. 

 

Then came along someone who took that distance away from me. She discovered Ramon's blogs of Dominating S/m talk and almost immediately began to send private messages in addition to her comments on his blog. 

 

She was very lovely, definitely and did not realize it, being extremely shy and having a low opinion of herself. She would post these interesting photos of just half her face, or her chest only, showing a pierced n****e through her shirt which really caught my interest, or just one of her eyes peeking out through a curtain of long, blonde hair. 

 

Her mystery intrigued me as well as the comments she made which showed her to be extremely submissive and very passive, but intelligent as well. 

 

At some point she admitted that she was a virgin in real life, something which really got my blood flowing. I had, I must admit, a strong desire to have a virgin, to be her only man first, last, ever … I do not know if all men feel this way but I certainly did, and therefore so did my persona. 

 

I began to respond to her comments in typical Ramon style, very aggressively but at the same time asking her what she wanted with him. He was the type who liked to please even as he was in control, and also was rather distant, liking to tease a bit and make his partner beg for more attention. She responded to this treatment by coming out of her shell, once she had established that she was, in fact, his type, and asking for him to “spend some time with me… please?”

 

“What you want, bella?” I typed, feeling my pulse quicken already at the teasing exchange. “You want a hard Daddy or a rough Master?”

 

“I want you to be rough with me. Really really rough and mean.” she responded. She had already shared her general routine with Doms, get them to treat her harshly, use her, hurt and humiliate her, and then run away when she got what she wanted from them. The more painful the exchange, the better, she loved talk of her p***y being hurt beyond repair and her body being permanently damaged. Again, this kinky and twisted desire of hers really excited me but I did not let her know that, acting like this was nothing new in my world. 

 

“Oh I see, and then I suppose you will be leaving if I do that.” I quipped.

 

I did not answer her next few messages that night, leaving her hanging. 

 

Finally at some point the next day I sent a single response. “Get on your knees b***h.” 

 

Immediately her answer came back. “On them now Sir.” 

 

We proceeded to have a very vicious and sadistic exchange, and naturally we both climaxed together … as far as I know. The thing about cybering of course is both people type out how they are “cummmingggg” but who knows if the other party really is doing so? I know that I did, and it was intense, really intense for me. I was falling for her hard.

 

I quickly typed back, after our mutual orgasm, “Grabbing you in my arms and holding you tight, whispering how much I am feeling for you, bella … kissing you over and over” 

 

It took a bit. She eventually responded with something that blew me away. I knew she had told me that she always ran away after these types of exchanges but I had never revealed what I liked to do, which was be mean and Dominating, hurt my partner, and then be tender and loving, a contrast. She did not know that I did that, but I did know she deserted her lovers after an exchange, and I did not want her to get away with such a thing with Ramon. 

 

“Don't Ramon.” was her response. 

 

“Don’t tell me what to do, bella. I am still holding you tight, cuddling and carressing you, tenderly soothing your wounded bum with my fingers” 

 

“Ramon … I can't handle someone being nice to me” 

 

“Too f****n bad, is my way. Let me make you feel better, cara mia” 

 

She told me she was crying real tears, she was breaking down, she could not deal with the tender loving care, but … she let me do it. 

 

We were both hooked after that. This was the beginning of the longest lasting love that I had ever had and the last one which Ramon was to have. 

 

Of course I wound up back in the chat box with this lass. It was easier and quicker than sending the messages. I was back to spending nights up chatting endlessly and being on the pc every chance I could throughout the day. I was basically attached to the computer and resented any interruption that took me away from it … and took Ramon away from his love. 

 

They broke up on occasion, but always got back together. It was always Ramon that did the breaking up, usually for the good of her, sometimes out of anger at her. During those times he would fool around on her, but would always wind up going back to her, unable to resist her charms. 

 

At some point, Badoo came into it. The girl I called my sister, the lass I was in love with, and some other mates had pages. I was evicted from Blogger for the bondage posts and pictures being TOS violations and was encouraged to just go to Badoo. So I began a blog over there, and life was happy. 

 

But at the same time, I had this desire and I do not remember how it began, but somehow Ramon needed more credibility, people who he knew in “real life” (again, whatever that is) to back him up and show him to have mates outside of those on Badoo. 

 

And thus came alone Cesare, who was married with children and thus maintained a distance from the online world. Bernardo was a free-spirit who did not have a stable place to live so was off and on the pc, again he was able to maintain a distance because he did not always have internet access. Gino did not like or trust computers or really care for the internet but got a page due to peer pressure from his mates. So again, he was not easily or readily available online. 

 

And so the “Badoo Rat Pack” had begun. If it was hard keeping track of one online persona, or even two (as had been the case with Gerardo and Eddy), keeping track of four was utterly insane. What complicated things even more was that Ramon's adopted sister began writing to and eventually flirting with two of the personas, while another lass grew interested in Gino.  Ramon had to keep having work or other issues keeping him away from the pc so the other three would have time, and since I did not wish to hurt the feelings of Ramon's sister who wanted both Cesare and Bernardo, I had to give her time with them … and it was just insane. 

 

I hit upon a way to get a break from the insanity, and that was having Ramon and Cesare get put in jail. I cannot remember what reason I came up with or how long they were locked up, but while it simplified things, I also got to hear “third-hand” how much pain the lass I loved was going through. Ramon's sister just threw herself more intensely into loving Bernardo while Cesare was gone, and Bernardo even flirted with Ramon's love, saying that after all, he and Ramon had tag-teamed many a lass together  so why not? 

 

It was insane, it was mind-blowing, I was creating drama for the sake of drama. Even as I was giving Cesare and Ramon a break I was keeping Bernardo busy with both lasses as well as Gino flirting with someone on Badoo … it was never ending. 

 

Eventually Ramon and Cesare were released and that craziness returned as well. Now I had Ramon and Bernardo occasionally having threesomes with the one, while Cesare and Bernardo fought over the other, and Gino openly disapproved of it all. 

 

I guess things must have gotten too close for Ramon. Probably she wanted to come to Italy and be with him and the possibility was so real that I felt he needed some real distance. So he got charged with some horrible BDSM gone wrong sex crime and sent to prison. She forgave him and a distant but still very loving, intense, kinky email exchange continued between them. For a long time … until the end. But I won't go there yet. 

 

Cesare and Bernardo, things must have gotten too close for them as well. I know I was tired of keeping it all up at that point. I just wanted to focus on Ramon and the emails he was sending to his love, as well as occasionally popping into Badoo and staying in touch with his sorella and a few other mates he had made.

 

I had things come to a head in the fight over Ramon's sister, and in a drunken brawl, Cesare accidentally killed Bernardo. There were a lot of reasons, one being that it was simply an easy way to kill (no pun intended) two birds with one stone. One would be dead and the other incarcerated, case closed. I also thought it might serve as a warning not to play with two friends behind one anothers backs. Even though I WAS those two friends.

 

A sick and twisted mind I have. I really do not want to keep this part in the story to be honest but I feel like it needs to be there with all the rest of it. It disgusts me in myself. I do not expect to be forgiven … tis the truth and tis what happened. 

 

With Cesare in jail and Bernardo dead, Gino was angry and deleted his Badoo page. Eventually I felt horrible and Cesare was let out of jail, and maintained an occasional contact with Ramon's sister, comforting her and assuring her that he did not hold any grudges toward her, and asking her forgiveness for his killing Bernardo. 

 

She got over Bernardo. She moved onto other guys. More about that later for a really hard part of the story to recall has arrived at this point. More pain than I could ever make up or create on my own with all of my lies and make-believe drama ...real life took a horrible, twisted turn.

 

Ramon was in prison, and yet he was still able to communicate via Badoo and emails. How was this so? I invented a loophole for him, in which the prison had a library, and in that library, computers with internet access. True, he could no longer chat for hours at a time or really at all, but he could still stay in communication with those he cared about, as well as posting an occasional Badoo comment or blog to update his situation. 

 

Ramon stayed in fairly good contact with his love, but her communication had also grown sporadic. I chalked it up to her getting used to not as frequent contact, getting on with her life, and so forth. 

 

Meantime, I was growing bored again. This was around mid 2006, and Ramon had made friends with a fellow named Angelo in jail. Another cute, free-spirited lad with no real roots and therefore no consistent internet access (definitely a pattern with all my characters at this point) and who I had merely used as a back-up for Ramon, just as I had Cesare, Bernardo, and others I had since discarded. 

 

I discovered a virtual chat world called Second Life, which definitely fit with my desire for online contact without strings, and created an account for Angelo. He began to randomly chat with others in this setting, not creating any real ties but just having fun. I loved to talk with people for a bit and then suddenly behave inappropriately, kissing or hugging them. Most would get angry and either leave or cuss me out, but occasionally one would respond and we would cyber-sex for awhile. 

 

Like the majority of my personas, Angelo was bisexual and proud of it. So he was definitely an equal opportunity offender, sometimes in private one-on-one chats and sometimes in group setting, although I do not recall if Second Life had yet created the chat-rooms. There were also groups which had message boards, but again I do not remember quite when Second Life developed these … 

 

For some reason this period of time is a bit hazy. I had a lot going on between Ramon, Cesare popping in occasionally still, Angelo's creation and development, and my own health in real life, which was deteriorating (and I was doing my best to ignore). I also had a roommate move in, to help with expenses, and he quickly became aware of my online addiction. Dial-up was now impractical as my roommate had a girlfriend who often tried to call him (not an unreasonable desire) and I had the phone line tied up almost constantly. So came cable and ethernet and all of that into my life. 

 

At any rate, I became tired of just Angelo on Second Life, for while he represented parts of me, the larger, more dominant part were not being represented. And so I created the character who in the end I would funnel most of the “real me” into … Enrico. Also known as SirEnrico, or Master E … or more succinctly, simply “E.” 

 

I believe that E had, in addition to an Second Life presence, a page briefly on Blogger, which wound up, like Ramon's, being closed  due to TOS violations. At any rate, he had nothing to do with Ramon and his crowd, having come from a completely different part of Italy and not having the same mates. However, on Second Life he did have something to do with Ramon in an indirect way, and that was because he and Angelo were friends. This was the first of many “cross-referencing” mistakes that I made with my personas. But that would not catch up with me for a long, long time. 

 

At any rate, back to Ramon. When he did get online and did not hear from his love for weeks at a time, he began messing around with other women. One of those included a lass who had lost her brother through his committing suicide. I was sympathetic to her because of my own suicidal tendencies, and tried to comfort her in Ramon style, which eventually involved some hardcore BDSM action. Eventually, the usual happened. She spoke of when I got out of prison coming to be with her. Ramon as ever put her off.

 

Finally, early 2007, my love wrote to me and explained her absences. She had been in hospital. She was diagnosed with a type of cancer I had never heard of, but spoke of treatment and a future and saying how she would get better and we would still have that life together. 

 

“However Ramon I might not be able to have those babies we wanted after all ...” This was one of her main concerns, as well as whether I was okay! Not so worried about her own health, but about Ramon. Asking if I had been true to her during her absence …

 

I was honest (well … considering that this was all a huge lie to begin with) and shared that I had been “messing about” with others. I told her of the guilt and disgust in myself that I was feeling because of it. 

 

She was understanding. Forgiving and excusing everything and asking me to make love to her, via my words in an email. But requesting that, given the circumstances, I be gentle with her this one time. Little did I know, this would be the last time we would ever make love. 

 

I wrote to only one lass (just ditching the others) explaining that I could not play with her any more, that I was re-committing to my love and asking if she and I could remain friends. She quickly agreed, wishing us luck. She and Ramon stayed in touch for years to come, rekindling their flirtation at times, and she would often share with him, for his entertainment, her stories of real-life BDSM experiences with doms she met.

 

So Ramon had recommitted to his love, and she for awhile stayed in good touch, but this fell off again as her health became worse and worse. She was losing the battle but still I believed she would be alright in the end. A member of her family began writing as well to update me on her situation, when she could not make it to the computer herself.

 

At one point I remember distinctly, Ramon's love mentioning that she was surviving on the concoction called “Boost” and asking, “do you know what that is, Ramon?” 

 

I did. My grandfather had been given that when he was in the final stages of cancer, shortly before he died. I knew what this meant, and tears filled my eyes as I typed back, “Yea I know what that is cara mia but soon you gonna be eatin steak again.” 

 

Ramon's sorella as well was very close to the situation and kept asking me if I thought my love would pull through. I always responded that of course she would! We both did our best to stay optimistic and I now see that this was just denial. When she had told me of the Boost, I had known, with a feeling of doom, that it was just a matter of time, but I had quickly covered that with denial, telling myself (and everyone else, as Ramon) that she would beat this, she would be okay. 

 

But she was not okay. One cold winter day, just 2 weeks after an email in which she swore to be in better contact in the near future, she left this earth forever. 

 

In her memorial, it actually stated, “A person who meant the world to her was Ramon of Italy, whom she had known for quite some time.”

 

I honestly have not yet dealt with the depth and breadth of this … both the fact that she died and the fact that I was in her in memorial, but yet, I was not. A persona that I created, not the real me, the me who really did love this lass, despite what anyone may think, but the fake me, will forever be memorialized in this way.

 

 

So much pain. What better way to numb the pain than with more addictive behaviour. As before in my life, I wanted to turn to drugs and alcohol and admittedly for a couple of weeks or so I did go on a huge bender, obliterating myself terribly and becoming violently ill. I even considered killing myself so that I could join my love, but realized if I did happen to see her in the afterlife (at that time I was hardcore pagan but even then had a vague notion of another life after this one) she would take one look at me and say “uh, where the hell is Ramon and who the f**k are you???” 

 

My roommate was aghast and beside himself. He knew of my health issues and that drinking and drugging was dangerous for me, but he and his girlfriend were really the only people I associated with so he had little support in trying to straighten me up. He kept asking “what is wrong?” And of course I could not tell him. He even questioned why I was not on the computer, noting that I seemed to be giving up everything important to me, that gave me pleasure, in favour of slowing killing myself with substances. 

 

In hopes of cheering me up and re-igniting my interest in the internet, he bought me a second-hand laptop computer, which gave me the freedom to hide in my room all day and night, with no interruption or fear of getting caught being wicked and false, and so … I cleaned up again, once again became interested in my personas, and moved on. 

 

As Ramon, I commiserated with my sorella, who had been close to my love, and flirted shamelessly with the friend I had before, who was sympathetic to my loss but did not hesitate to play BSDM games with me as well. I also become involved in a rebound fling, which was rather romantic and sweet in nature. I admitted to my sister that I was burying my grief with these encounters, and she responded by saying she was doing the same thing.

 

Then I just … lost interest in Ramon being with anyone else really. I missed the one I had lost too much, though I had trouble admitting that. Contact with others was sporadic, and just sort of fizzled out. He took to merely checking in briefly and not writing much of substance to anyone.

 

Meantime, I threw myself into the online life of Enrico, who was active both on Second Life and in the Badoo world. I had initially, as I stated, started E out as an avatar on Second Life, and so I had to find a picture that matched the avatar, instead of the other way around.  From the same site where I had pilfered so many other photos, I found one I really liked and thought represented what I wanted E to look like. The first photo was black and white, a handsome man with handcuffs attached to the loops of his jeans. He was completely hair-free, his skin glowing and a complete look of scorn and anger on his face. Perfect.

 

This was the picture I chose, of an anonymous stranger, little knowing the trouble this would later bring. When clamors began for “more pics” of E, I revisited the site on a regular basis, posting his latest shots as my own. As time went on, sadly, he stopped shaving so much, to my dismay. I really should have held my ground and only posted that one photo, at least if I wanted to minimize the chance of being caught. But more on that later. 

 

Somehow, to this day I do not know how, Ramon's sister discovered Master E’s blogs and began to comment and write to him. 

 

Master E was not as gentle and kind-hearted as Ramon. He was a brute. Abrasive, rough, downright rude and seething with all of the anger and hatred that was bottled inside of me. I pushed her away with cruel sadistic fury, challenging her and telling her that there was no possible way she could handle what I had to dish out. Calling her every name in the book, abusing and humiliating her in public, insulting everything about her. 

 

Ramon's sorella was not the only one I treated this way as E, but she was the only one who persistently kept coming back for more. The worse E treated her, the more she put up with, and eventually I suppose she wore me down. I told her I would give her a chance to see if she could take it after all, or if she really was the weak and spineless s**t I thought her to be. She was so grateful and willing to grovel that I realized this might be fun after all, I could do anything I wanted (well within the online confines in which E existed) to her and the worst that could happen would be she would leave. 

 

I was without mercy. I was also back in the damn chatbox, after once again swearing off the bloody thing and doing well with it for a long time indeed. I did not really count Second Life chatting as I did not develop any real ties there. Yet. 

 

At any rate, there we were in the messenger, and I was being a complete prick, and she was eating it up. A lot of men question how the worse a woman gets treated, the more she seems to enjoy it, and while feminists argue against this point, I have seen it firsthand. I am not saying that all women like to be shat upon, but this one certainly did. 

 

Unlike Ramon, E did not end sessions of brutality with loving tenderness and caring. Instead, he would just leave his victim hanging, sometimes literally, for days, and would expect complete subservient devotion upon his return. Not just women but men as well would put up with this with surprising fervor. But none seemed as well-suited to the mistreatment as Ramon's sister. As I said, the worse she was treated, the more she seemed to respond favourably. Eventually, she wiggled her way back into my life as a lover. Remember, she had already been with two of my personas, and now she was involved with a third, and with a fury. 

 

I made it very clear to her that, again unlike Ramon, Enrico could not be tied down. He would have other lovers, male and female, both online and in real life. I tried not to get sucked into any entanglements by creating legal troubles for E, and a life of having to go on the run as a result. I also knew that doing so would give me an “out” should I need it, by placing Enrico in prison as I had with Ramon. 

 

Speaking of Ramon, his sister encouraged a relationship to develop between the two Masters, saying how much they had in common and the like. Talk about a strange situation! 

 

Meantime, I was going strong as well on Second Life, both as Angelo and as Enrico I joined a Bondage Group there and made a slew of friends, most notably the owner of the group, a gay lad who liked to dress in feminine and goth attire. We had great rousing sessions as he was another who simply adored being humiliated and treated badly, then left to dry while I went about my business for days at a time. Another lass tried to get E interested in threesomes with she and her girlfriend, but he made it clear that (like me in real life) he only got turned on by MMF threesomes. I know that makes me very bizarre for most fellows out there have the ultimate fantasy of sharing their bed with two women. But I sort of feel as if two women is overkill. I would much rather have sex with a lad and lass, getting the best of both worlds that way. But I digress. 

 

Both Angelo and Enrico joined a group for lovers of curvy women and became very popular, in different ways. I have never had the desire to be submissive myself, but allowed Angelo to do so anyway, just to see what would happen. It was here that my last and final love and I met. 

 

Angelo got himself tied to a chair in the group chat and several women were dominating him. The lass in question was pretending to videotape the proceeding, being far too shy to participate herself. Angelo was in high demand in this particular group but I kept him at a distance.  As I mentioned before, Angelo was only there as back-up and to support the true character I was interested in portraying, Enrico. 

 

Eventually the Enrico that was involved with Ramon's sorella got himself arrested, as did both Enrico and Angelo on Second Life. I wanted out of the relationship I had gotten embroiled in and as with Bernardo, the easiest way out seemed to be to kill him off. I told her that I was being executed and left the Badoo account hanging, just as I had with Bernardo. After all, a dead man is not going to return in order to close his account is he? 

 

But I made a big mistake. For the Enrico on Second Life continued to post, chat, and eventually fall in love again … for a few more years to come.

 

 

While Enrico had been wrapping things up over on Badoo, he was going strong on Second Life with a very sweet and submissive lass and once again I developed some feelings for her. She had a past bad experience with a boyfriend and Master who had carried everything too far and abused both she and her son. While she was very interested indeed in being with E, she was also scared of Him. 

 

Despite her misgivings, she threw herself into the Master/slave situation with me, and I was actually quite considerate of her in many ways. I would ask if things were okay, I would not push her (well not too hard) if she said she was not comfortable with certain things, and as ever I requested photos and complimented her large, curvy frame. This was not lies on my part, I really am attracted to big, beautiful women and in fact have had to learn that health-wise for the lady and so forth, bigger is not always better, because I thought it was. 

 

Soon this lady was talking about moving to Italy to be with me, and bringing her son with her. I protested as the old familiar routine began, of my online partner wanting more from me, and I had to put up blockades. I did not want to take her son away from his father. She assured me that the lad had no contact with her ex anyway. I did not wish to pull her from her family. She said that her family would understand as long as she was happy. Her work? Nope it was a job she hated anyway. On and on it went.

 

Finally Enrico and Angelo went to jail, my usual solution, in lieu of death, for these sitchies. When I "returned” from being incarcerated, she had a confession: she had cybered with a bloke in a chat box. Not only that but she initially lied about it. This was a guy I could not stand, who was continually baiting me in group chat, and it totally irked the hell out of me that he had “gotten one over” on me which I was in jail! 

 

I broke up with her and days later, after she begged and pleaded and promised I could do anything, anything I wanted to her "even those things I asked you not to do before,” I relented. I warned her that she would be harshly and severely punished, and would probably not like it one bit. She agreed. Anything, she said, to not lose E.

 

I was completely brutal to her, without mercy, torturing her for two or three days. I do not doubt that she cried real tears, for I was that harsh with her.. Eventually I felt the anger subside and felt I could be cautiously tender with her. She bollocksed that up almost immediately by wanting to give some details of her cyber-cheating, feeling the need to get it out in the open. Furious, I left the chat with her, telling her I was done. And I was. 

 

I refused to answer her emailed entreaties, sent a message through a friend that her profile picture needed to be changed (it was a Second Life shot of her and I in an embrace) and was sent a message in return that I needed to quit “checking her page.” I promptly stopped, cutting her off for good and never looking back. From what I have been told, through the same friend, actually, she is now engaged to be married. 

 

Speaking of that friend, who got stuck relaying messages for a bit, she was quickly becoming involved with Angelo, and this was the shy lass who had been "videotaping” the S/ scene with Angelo tied to the chair in the chat room. As Angelo I was immediately drawn to her, as Enrico I was falling for her, and as ME, it was love straight away. Both of my personas wanted this lady, but of course E quickly told her that He was too rough for her, and she agreed. She was better suited to gentle and childlike Angelo, being as how she was a virgin and he would treat her tenderly. 

 

I remember some things very vividly, others are a bit hazy. I remember Angelo pouting because she wanted to wait until she was married to lose her virginity. Mind you, this virginity was in real life but the lines between online fantasy and offline reality were extremely blurred for me, and she quickly fell into that mode as well. She relented that perhaps simply being in love with Angelo, who was a confirmed bachelor and vowed he would never marry, was enough. 

 

I also recall an email exchange between her and Enrico, in which he told her about my true feelings ... of the desire for a virgin being very strong in a man, wanting to be her first, and all the rest. E stated that he always seemed to wind up with s***s who he could use and abuse, treat roughly and not worry over hurting. Enrico at this stage was in player mode, and was very determined not to give away His heart again. He was done with these cheating b*****s! Promptly, two of the "s***s" he was playing with fell hard for Him and tested these boundaries continually. 

 

The solution was again to incarcerate Enrico, this time for a few years. I explained that he was allowed to use the computer in prison because the case manager (okay so I know some things about the system) in charge of him let him use the computer for communication. They would rather, I said, have the inmates use the internet for contact with the outside world, then have letters and packages coming into the prison and have to worry about contraband. This story was elaborated upon over the years, and his sentence grew as the years passed, but for the time being, I kept it fairly simple, and this was easy to do since Enrico was refusing to be tied down to anyone, and his online time was limited, in any event, just as Ramon's had been. 

 

Meantime, Angelo and his girlfriend were hot and heavy. Peter Pan and Wendy, we called ourselves. I began to try testing her, seeing how serious she was feeling, and I announced that I, Angelo, was in love with her. As E, I was jealous of Angelo, and kept warning her that she should be careful, that he was a playboy who could very easily hurt her. The more I knew her as Angelo, the more my main character, Enrico, was wanting her for himself. 

 

I was posting blogs on Second Life, as E, mixing some fiction and some real facts about my own past, and many people were interested in reading these. Including Angelo's girl. She recommended that I start a WritersCafe account, as she already had one there. I began to post both new poems and stories I had written, as well as some blog postings from Badoo, and some stories I had squirreled away from before. Some were already complete, and some needed finishing, which I wound up doing over time. 

 

I admit it; I sabotaged Angelo so that I could have this woman, whom I was so very in love with, for Enrico. I made Angelo act like an immature, thoughtless child, while E lost some of his rough edges, showed His sensitive side (surprise, he had one) and basically wooed her away. Both she and Enrico wrote heaps of heart-felt, soul-searching poetry about the conflict they were facing, the feelings they had for one another, and not wanting to hurt Angelo. Eventually of course, there was a confrontation, with her telling Angelo she had fallen for Enrico, and Angelo being very hurt and upset. He cried out that he hated Enrico and could not believe he would do this to his best mate. 

 

I as Enrico was feeling the flush of victory at having "got the girl,” mixed with guilt at having hurt My best mate like that, while I as Angelo cried and mourned her loss and was so angry at my friend for taking her from me. Does this sound utterly split-personality certifiably insane? Well it might be, but tis what happened and I experienced the emotions of both personas as surely as if each were a separate person. 

 

Crazy? You bet. But true.

 

I shall not lie. The years I spent with Alee were the best of my life. Whether this sounds pathetic or not, they were. Not just because I was portraying the ultimate best character I had ever created, so much like me but perfected into a hunky hot guy, with a fool-proof excuse for not having to go through with any plans. But because of the feelings. Many people will think that since I was lying to her about who I was and what my life circumstances were, that the whole thing was a lie. But this is not true.

 

With Alee, there was a connection from the very start. Anyone who has had a true online friend can relate to this, that we do sometimes create more open and honest relationships online then in real life. True, there is something about hiding behind a screen that makes it easier to let our true feelings flow, especially those of us who are shy or downright anxious when talking to someone in person. As well, without the distractions of physical appearance, body language, and eye contact, the heart and soul of a person can often be revealed.

 

As I am not the first person to believe this, I do not think I am alone in these feelings.

 

But of course, with the lack of physical being also comes the chance for lies and deception about that very thing. Sure, Alee was tapping into extremely deep emotions and real thoughts on my part, but she was also believing me to be almost 20 years younger than I was, incarcerated, and a very hot handsome stud who still had vulnerability and low self-esteem. I was also very aggressive and masterful, not afraid to smack anyone who was naughty or order people around. In all of the groups I belonged to, I was designated the man who doled out the spankings, who was called “Sir” and treated with equal shares of respect and desire.

 

And as Angelo, I flitted in and out, popping in with new photos (snagged from the gay hook-up site, whenever the fellow they really belonged to posted updates), and tales of getting shagged, drunk, and stoned, playing gigs in his band and generally living it up. He had quickly forgiven both Enrico and Alee, realizing that the two were really made for one another and in love, and threw himself back into his bachelor player life with a vengeance. There were some notable lasses and lads who wrote to him flirtatiously, some trying to pin him down, but he as ever could not be online much and would vanish for weeks at a time.

 

As I said, I made some cross-referencing errors. I had Cesare, who had been Ramon's mate, be in Angelo's band and be the person who could be contacted in case of emergency for Angelo. It was honestly sheer laziness on my part, having already established the email account and not feeling like creating a whole new one. I also kept open the same Image Shack account and Project ITunes account for E which he had used on Badoo when he was involved with Ramon's sister. Again, this was sheer laziness on my part, although I did later create another Image Shack account, which Enrico and Angelo both shared. But I never closed the old accounts, just left them open and added new songs and photos to them. This would later prove to be the final undoing of Enrico, but it would not happen for many years to come.

 

When Alee made mention of Cesare, I carried on as E about what a coglione he was, how he cheated on his wife and had no respect for her. Of course, having been Cesare, I knew this firsthand to be true. But I made such a fuss because I did not want Alee writing to him except in case of extreme concern about Angelo's whereabouts when he was out of touch for great periods of time. Why I did not stick to this later, again being lazy… but I am getting ahead of myself here.

 

So these were happy, happy times. I was in love, and she clearly loved me. We were both writing up a storm, both love poems and stories, as well as frequently meeting on Second Life. As ever, talk begin to turn to the future and getting together, and she began to ask about how much longer I would be there, and whether I would be released to my home or elsewhere. I figured telling her I would be stuck in Italy would be a stumbling block, but of course she had always wanted to go there, so that worked too well into the plans. But she was so close to her family that I could not figure into the fantasy making her leave, so we spoke of somehow my moving there. At some point talk of marriage and babies became very predominant. I admit it; I have always wished to be a father in real life and that wish has never been fulfilled. It really turned me on to think about making her pregnant.

 

At any rate, I wanted to make this online relationship as close to reality as possible. So I told her that we were courting, and there would be no actual making love until we were married. Originally this meant being married in person, either in Italy or Canada. So we “did everything but” and drove each other utterly mad with all of the foreplay … what used to be called “making out” and “petting” … for a long, long time. It was incredibly hot, very teasing and tis not as if we did not satisfy one another. Our imaginations were put the test on many levels, for we of course were not doing this in person, which always brings a challenge in and of itself, but then we also were getting very hot and bothered without going all the way.

 

I remember those days fondly and they still get me very turned on just to think of them. All the anticipatory feelings, that desire that we kept at bay. More than once, there would be one of us saying “I do not want to wait, let’s keep going!” in the heat of passion, while the other would be the strong one (that time) and say “No we have to be patient, we have to wait.”

 

At any rate. Time was ticking along and E was getting closer to his release date. I did not want to do it, but knew I had to. I invented some issues with the institution that caused his sentence to be increased. My memory is spotty but I think a 6 year sentence became 10 years. Part of me of course was figuring she would say that was too long to wait. But she did not. She loved Enrico and was willing to put her life on hold for him.

 

Guilt now sufficed our relationship, guilt on my part. Both within me and as expressed through Enrico.  

 

Once again, the days just sort of slid by, one after another. During times that the real me was physically not up to being on the computer, or other aspects of life interrupted the internet, Enrico was put into the “hole” for acting up. In fact, E's life mirrored mine in many ways as far as self-injury, nightmares, childhood trauma, suicide attempts (although with Enrico it was despair at being incarcerated, with me it was despair at how lonely and hopeless I felt), and most importantly … the love we both felt so deeply for Alee. I cannot emphasize this enough.  

 

I was completely hung up over this lady. I would wake up and the first thoughts in my head were “Alee” or “Amore mio” and I would often fall asleep with head full of thoughts and fantasies about her and I … “I” of course meaning “Enrico” and our face-to-face meetings, our lovemaking, our future together. I would see my laptop and immediately get hard, thinking of her. I masturbated to her pictures, which I had all over my room, at least twice a day. I would find myself at the doctor's office or waiting in line at the store just staring into space, daydreaming about her. 

 

Many of the issues that I came up with were ones that I felt in my own life … one that comes to mind is Angelo getting a girl pregnant. Many people accidentally get pregnant, not even being sure that they want the child, while others of us … myself included … actually want to be a parent, and are not to be blessed. So of course, when Angelo, the confirmed bachelor, had a lass he did not even care about tell him she was pregnant, both Enrico and Alee were very upset by the news. We talked about our envy and feelings of the unfairness of life. We both cried and comforted one another while trying to be supportive of Angelo and his predicament. 

 

I often missed drugs in real life, even though I was substituting the internet for the highs I still longed for. Therefore Angelo often was stoned or drunk, and Enrico spent a great deal of time wishing he could get high, and at times managing to either get some heroin or pain pills for a time, as well as alcohol on occasion, and then going through the fun times of the buzz as well as the aftermath of withdrawal when the stuff ran out.

 

I also, in that vein, broke it to her that Enrico had hepatitis C, just as I did in real life. I think in many ways I was testing her, to see if she could handle my health issues, as well as being able to “vent” about my condition to someone who loved me (even though she thought I was someone else) and get it out there, get it off my chest and share some of my fears and concerns about it.

 

 

Another was my own family dysfunction and abuse being channeled into Enrico's past. The fact as well that my own family wants nothing to do with me transferred over to him, and I invented a sister who occasionally wrote to both he and Alee. Her declarations of love and how much she missed her brother were perhaps my way of trying to heal the pain of missing the love of a family that I myself felt. 

 

The biggest change for both Enrico and I was a spiritual one. Enrico was a believer and follower of Satan when he met Alee, and so was I. I had become consumed with Satanism as a teenager, turning my back on the religion of my family and going the complete opposite way. Alee was, and is, a very devout Christian lady who is not afraid to share her faith with the world. Although she never tried to influence or change Enrico/me, she did. The more she and Enrico talked about God and the love and forgiveness he offered, the more I also took things in and eventually converted to Christianity. My progress was a bit faster than his. I joined the church choir long before he started singing with the chapel choir in prison, but there was definitely some hard-core mirroring going on there. 

 

I really did not do all of this consciously and yet on some level I knew that was what was going on. I know I am one screwed up individual; nobody needs to tell me that. Healing myself by lying and hurting someone else does not work, but I sure tried to make it work. 

 

There were of course people who challenged my story. It made no sense, that someone would be in prison in Germany and be untraceable, as well as not be allowed phone calls, letters, or some sort of visits. I stuck to my story about being able to use the internet because of it actually being easier for the authorities to control contraband that way, and it shut people up, probably because they wanted to believe me. 

 

I never expected anyone to seriously check out my story, but Alee was a born researcher and spent time trying to track me down in the system. I do not think she was so much suspicious of my tale as simply wanting to know where her love resided. Thinking quickly, I changed my story from being in a German prison to being housed by the Germans in a mysterious location that even I did not know where it was, which I had been flown to after my sentencing.  It was kept a secret from the inmates, I said, as we were all violent criminals against the government in Germany in some way. We were allowed “favours” such as being able to use the internet in exchange for giving “favours” in return. 

 

I also decided that E of course would become a man of power and authority in the prison, both with the inmates and with the guards, and since I had this power, it gave me some leeway in being able to get “favours” and “privileges” … which basically translated into more time online, more time in the chatbox, on the message boards, WritersCafe, and other websites which we frequented. I am fairly certain that Alee was the only one who realized how much time that Enrico managed to spend online despite where he was, and so others believed he was quite sporadic with being online. Alee was just glad to have as much as she could with Enrico so did not question it much … to his face. I made certain that my pattern of getting angry, defensive, and threatening to leave when questioned too closely was continued, so that any time she might have a question, she was afraid to ask me. 

 

I still occasionally checked in with Ramon's sister as Cesare, answered perhaps every 5th email that she sent and stating that at the house in the Italian countryside, internet access was spotty and when available was used by my sons (damned if I can recall the names, ages, or even amount of sons Cesare had), with wife Maria continuing to be a controlling shrew at that. Additionally, I had Maria get pregnant, with a girl this time, indicating that the marriage bed was still alive and thriving. As Cesare I also received the occasional email from Alee, asking how Angelo was, which I did or did not answer, depending on mood. Cesare was definitely not my favourite or even at the top of my characters to portray, and I found in particular his writing style to be cumbersome and taxing to keep up for long. 

 

As well, Ramon made an appearance every 2 or 3 months, enough to stay abreast of his sister and a few of the lasses he had been flirting with over the years at this point. He still quite openly mourned the death of his love, as well as getting into one fight after another in prison, so that his sentence frequently got increased for another year. The friend who had off and on played BDSM with him often told him to “stay out of trouble in there” because she wanted to come be with him when he got out. I still find it amazing that this lady with two children, a good job and full life which included frequent sessions with several different Masters in person, would wish to make plans in order to be with this man she had never met face to face. We are talking plans of the “I will leave everything and come to you” or “I will sent you a plane ticket and you can move in with me” variety.

 

As far as Angelo, he tried to get married because he figured out that he wanted this child, but something went wrong. He started using cocaine and instead wound up in drug rehab, where I pretty much left him. I suppose given time I would have had him emerge clean, sober, and starting over, but who knows. It never got to that point. 

 

Back to Enrico and Alee. The love story continued to grow and things got hotter, and heavier. Knowing what I knew, I realized that we needed to make some progress in our relationship. I presented this to Alee as … “since it will be a long time until we can marry in person, let’s at least get married on Second Life. It can be sort of a per-cursor to the actual event when I am released.” Again I felt guilty as hell, knowing deep down that the in person marriage was never going to occur. But at the same time I wanted to call her my wife, I wanted to make love to her, and I wanted for her to have something to be proud of. I did not wish to have her wait so many years to enjoy some sort of wedding and marriage with the man she loved. 

 

And so … I proposed that we marry on Second Life. She accepted. We enlisted the services of a developer friend to create our “room” in which we would be wed, as well as her gown. I paid this person handsomely in Second Life “currency” and I must say, they did an exceptional job. All was set but then … I do not remember why, but I canceled the wedding and split up with her for a time. Probably I was getting cold feet and feeling guilty in real life, but online, as Enrico, I likely was angry with her for something. Or it could have been one of the periods where Enrico was setting her free for her own good so that she could find another and have a better life, which he did when my own true guilt became too much for me to bear. We would try to be friends, but always wind back up in arms and recommitted to one another. 

 

At any rate eventually the wedding was back on. In June of 2010 it happened. Not without some crazy last minute f**k-ups on my part. I had the time-zone (always something that threw me off) confused, and thinking I had more time than I did, I went off to an Second Life strip club with my best man. Even as I sat there being teased and lap-danced by a cute naked cartoon honey, I was obsessing over my bride-to-be and wound up private messaging her, to tell her how nervous I was. Not so much to be married to her, but just to be the center of attention at the wedding in front of so many. 

 

She admitted to being nervous too and spoke calming words to me before asking where the best man and I were, as the wedding was due to begin in TEN MINUTES! Considering I had thought I had an hour and ten minutes left, this threw me into a panic. As well, I had planned to write my vows to her ahead of time, and had procrastinated, with writers block, until the last minute. Again, I thought I had time to get them writ but in my offline world that day, I had some issues to contend with that kept me from the pc. By the time I got there, it was off to the strip-joint the minute I logged on (my best man was insistent that we do this) and I had, it turned out, no time to slip away and quickly come up with something prior to the ceremony. 

 

Regardless, it was beautiful. I know that people sneer at and scorn those who have online weddings but our Second Life friends were very supportive and happy for us. As wedding gifts, they had bought all sort of poses and actions, so that we were able to exchange the rings and kiss after being pronounced husband and wife, walk down the aisle, and all the rest. After we exchanged vows (hers pre-written and mine spoken off the cuff but definitely heartfelt) there was dancing and more kissing, and just generally some good times. Honestly to me it felt real. I had never been married before, either in person or online, and the emotions that I felt were so powerfully real they overwhelmed me. 

 

When we finally made love for the first time, I was so overcome that I cried real tears, which lasted long after the exchange. Being inside of her (even though not in person) was something I had dreamed about and so longed for, that when it finally happened, I broke down. Equal shares of happiness and pain engulfed me. The happiness of finally having her belong to me, to make love to her completely as her husband and not have to “stop short” or “wait” any longer … and of course the pain of knowing this would be all we could have. There would be no fairytale ending to this love story. 

 

Despite our perceived happiness, the black cloud hung, thick and heavy, over my head as I knew that eventually, the time I was supposed to be serving would be up, and then what? Even though I had married her and gotten the commitment that I knew meant so much to us both, it was tainted. It was flat-out wrong and the longer I let it go on, the worse it would be for her. As the weeks rolled on, I realized that she needed to be set free now, not 9 years from now. She deserved the chance to still have the family that she wanted to have, the life that she had always dreamed of. 

 

Should I have told her the truth? You think? Did I tell her the truth? You think? That would have required courage on my part, and I am very clearly a coward. So that while I knew she needed to be let go, I also wanted to keep the persona alive. I decided to tell her that some new charges came along, while I was in prison. That I now had a life sentence.

 

Along with the news that I would now be incarcerated for life, I told Alee that for her own good, I was breaking up with her. This lasted not so very long before we went from just friends back to lovers and then back to husband and wife. This though was with the understanding that she was to look for another “out there” and still try to have the life she wanted. At this point she was supposed to be looking for another while I sort of stayed in the picture to be there for her until that happened. But honestly, she settled. She did not put herself out there and besides, she believed in miracles, and often said she was holding onto her faith that I would still be released, or even would escape and come to her, someday. 

 

Since I could not stand strong and just exit from her life, or tell the truth about the whole thing, our situation just sort of continued, with me often experiencing tremendous guilt and regret, which I expressed to her and others as guilt and regret over the crimes, and resulting punishment, that I had committed. This was interspersed with the genuine love and caring that we both had for one another. 

 

But honestly I think because this had gone on for too long and was really getting us nowhere, it was destined to unravel. Slowly but surely, it did just that. 

 

The unraveling began back in the winter of 2011, with Alee telling me she had been upset by something she read. Never did I guess that it would involve my past, or rather, Enrico's past, and what I thought had been left behind by him. Apparently she did an online search and came across some old Badoo blogs, written by Ramon's sister, about E, and on reading them learned of Enrico's “death”. She said that it confused and frightened her, because she knew I couldn't be dead, since I was with her, but she did not understand why this woman believed me dead. 

 

So many hot, crazed thoughts raced through my mind, but the biggest one was that I needed to keep those two women separate. I formulated a tale that actually likely made sense, given what I had already told her about Enrico not wanting his Satanic coven to discover his whereabouts. I told her in no uncertain terms that this had been a lie told to protect me from past associates, and issued an ominous warning that she best not be contacting that “una brutta” if she knew what was good for her. To seal the deal (or so I thought) I stopped talking to her for several days, stating that she had violated my trust by doing the search and by reading those blogs. Naturally when I did deem her worthy of being spoken to again, she was properly contrite and apologized profusely for “being nosy” as I called it.  

 

 

Of course I did my own search and could find no way to link any of my information to those blogs, so tis still a bit of a mystery how Alee uncovered them. I did go onto the Badoo page, as Ramon, so that I could read what was in them and know what Alee had read. I felt secure in my explanation of events to Alee, that I had lied about where I was, and then that I was being executed, to be able to “disappear” from the Satanic cult. 

 

I checked the Cesare email a while later, and found that Alee had written him during the time Enrico was not speaking to her, asking for any information he had on the past. In my stupidity and laziness, I had used Cesare, as I said, despite his being an old flame of Ramon's sorella, as someone for Alee to contact about Angelo. Well of course, in her reading of the blogs about Enrico, she also read blogs about Cesare, and put it together that he was one and the same. 

 

So now Alee had written Cesare, and this was after Enrico had expressly forbade her to have any but the most rudimentary contact with him. I was furious! I stewed over this, trying to decide how to approach it, and decided to have Enrico tell her that he had heard through a mysterious mate he was still in contact with that Cesare was talking smack. Saying that Alee had writ him poking into E’s past and “coming on” to him. Alee of course, was terrified at the anger I was displaying toward her for this betrayal. She wound up writing a letter to Cesare, screaming “f**k you!” and carrying on quite well, showing how loyal she was to Enrico after all. 

 

I decided to have Cesare (with his cumbersome typing, for one thing) bow out and his more literate wife, Maria, picked up the conversation and give Alee some attitude right back. I threw in a heap about how twisted and evil E was to reinforce the whole Satanic ties aspect of things. I ended with some references to God and Christianity, with an end purpose in mind for doing so. 

 

I cannot recall if Alee answered this letter or not, but I know that I did, and of course I sent Alee a copy of it. In the letter, I took the “high road” and was responsible for my past behaviours as well as declaring my commitment to Christ now and being very loving, charming, and forgiving about it all. This gave me the chance to show what a truly changed man I was. I cannot recall if I responded to this or not as Maria, but the point had been made to Alee, I thought, and that was all that mattered. 

 

Life went back to normal (whatever that is) and we continued on. We still spoke of longings for babies and the house in the country, and I still wavered between letting her go and get on with a better life, and holding onto her because she was the best thing I had ever had in my life. But in general we had a rhythm and a pattern that was comforting. She was concerned understandably about my Hep C and worried that if something did happen to me, she would not know it. So I did what I always did in these cases, invented a persona, Frankie. I also added on old girlfriend of E’s to the mix. And there was Enrico's sister as well. A virtual slew of personas all there to support my main one. 

 

It began to unravel in earnest when Alee again became curious and begun doing her research. She found a site (and I highly HIGHLY recommend that anyone who doubts a photo is really someone online use it) called tineye.com and put in some pictures of “Enrico.” And guess who showed up? Some porn star! A f*****g famous porn star who I had never heard of but sure enough when I googled his name, there were pictures I had used as well as even more revealing ones. And tons of video links as well.

 

I was floored when I got her email questioning what the deal was. I could not believe that once again, I had picked photos which could be traced. This time not just to a model, but to an actual living, breathing gay porn actor! I was furious. With myself, of course, but also with her. Why could she not just leave things alone? All of her “snooping and spying” only served to spoil what I believed to be a beautiful thing. 

 

Sick, sick, sick. And sicker still … I did not come clean to her. I f*****g said “well, I told you before that there might be some videos and shots of me out there.” Which was true enough, I had mentioned in the Second Life board something about such a thing. I again was angry and defensive, and slowly as I digested this situation and my lying mind set to work on damage control, I came up with the story that during my heroin addiction days, I did a bunch of porn for dope. As I did my own research and found out this guy was a bottom as much as a top, I began to speak of feeling ashamed and disgusted at the things I had done while high, or trying to get high. At that point I could not find anything recent he had done, and so I hoped that maybe after 2008 he just disappeared. So I stuck to the story of before going to prison, I had done things on film for drugs that I was not proud of. 

 

Who knows if she bought it, but she acted like she did for a few days, then sent an email saying “congratulations I guess for making the 2012 calendar” for some porn film company. At that point, I felt completely and totally “done.” In fact, I paced around my room saying just that, over and over, “I am done. This is it! Can't do this anymore.” I really thought that was it. I had finally had enough of the whole thing. I almost picked up the laptop and tossed it out the window, and maybe I should have. 

 

But no. I was going to kill Enrico, and this time for good. I posted on Badoo the song “Suicide is Painless” by Marilyn Manson, and waited. Not sure how long I waited, but then I had Frankie contact Alee angrily, saying he didn't know what she did to upset him, but he had overdosed. 

 

I truly was going to leave it at that. He overdosed and died and maybe have Frankie comfort her a bit then have him disappear, and be done with it. But no! As soon as I saw her horrified and tearful reaction, I added that Enrico was in a coma. I needed time to think, I told myself. To decide what to do. How to hurt her the least. 

 

I had Frankie quiz her on what had happened between her and Enrico. She sent links and pictures of “Enrico” and then instead of E telling her, like a true coward I was able to have Frankie tell her that no, those pictures were not of Enrico. And pretty much had Frankie describe my true looks (okay a younger version) to her … to see what her reaction was. Her response was that she did not care if he looked like that porn star or not, it was Enrico's heart she loved. His mind, his soul, his writing. His … me. 

 

And so Enrico came out of the coma slowly but surely. I am really ashamed of so many things I have done to so many people and letting Alee think I was struggling through the aftermath of the heroin overdose and resulting effects of the coma is definitely shameful to me. Like a good many details of my lies and deceit, I am foggy about this period. Suffice it to say that through working on the after-effects of being in a coma together, Alee and Enrico became even closer.

 

About the pictures, I again used the Satanic cult and my hiding from it as the reason for posting photos of someone else as myself. I did tell her my shock about who they were of because of the true nature of how I found those pictures. She believed me, forgave me, and assured me that it was not the looks but the man inside that she cared about. The marriage and love was as strong as ever. And since it was built on lies, it needed to be exposed, once and for all. 

 

So God, working through none other than Ramon's sorella, went to work and unraveled my bollocks once and for all. 

 

Things were going well it appeared, in the liars paradise I had created. Alee and E were working things out (again) and she was friends with his chum in prison, Frankie. Enrico's sister had just gotten a Badoo page and was her usual loving self toward “mio fratello” … we had gotten past the bloody stupid photos I had used and I was free to be a possessive as I felt toward Alee. Because of brain damage from the coma, Enrico could have very selective memory indeed and this tended to come in handy. Gads I really was a bloody jerk, was I not? Seriously. I needed to be taken down about a thousand notches. 

 

One morning, it happened. I woke up and got onto Badoo as Frankie, first. A message waited from Alee, stating “just so you know, Enrico has received some messages that might really upset him, if he remembers who they are from.” 

 

Great, I thought, and switched over to the Enrico account. I had some notifications in my email … from Image Shack. The words leaped out at me: “Lied to me ...” “Supposed to be dead …” I saw who they were from, and froze in my tracks. They were from Ramon's sister. 

 

What the f**k? How did she …? 

 

All I know is that I flipped out and immediately thought “Alee must have writ to her. Even though I told her not to!” Furious, heart pounding, I wrote Alee an angry email. Called her every name in the book, saying that my memory might be bad, but I knew one thing. I had told her NOT to contact this person and clearly she did, with her nosy and snooping ways! 

 

Then I left the computer. I turned it off, went over to the tely and sat, shaking, watching some mindless show that meant nothing, not seeing it, not hearing it, just in a daze of shock. Ramon's sorella knew that Enrico was not dead. Her heart, her anger, her pain and her wrath I could already feel from where I sat. I honestly was afraid. I knew, deep down inside, that this was it. She and Alee would share stories and both would know me for what I was … a lying, no-good, worthless coward who hid behind a computer screen and ran away when things got too close. 

 

And sure enough … I ran away. Alee sent me apologetic emails admitting that she had wrote to Ramon's sister back in October of 2011. Ramon's sorella wrote to Ramon, in shock and asking why E would have faked his death. I freaked out. I kept saying “This is it. This is REALLY it. I am done. I am REALLY done.” 

 

I was pretty damn well hysterical. Sounds stupid and not very manly but then again all of this stuff online was stupid and not very manly. I closed, one after another, all of my accounts. Closed all of my personas who were still in play. Second Life, email accounts, WritersCafe, everything I could possibly think of. I did leave my email for Enrico open and sent Alee a couple letters of explanation and apology, telling her the truth … that I did love her. For what it was worth. Even after all of this, she was still bargaining, trying to make it okay. Still calling me Enrico. Asking for the truth, asking to know what was truth, what was a lie. 

 

I couldn't breathe. I felt as if my whole pathetic world had caved in on me. And it had. I was angry with Ramon's sister for discovering, through those Image Shack and ITunes accounts I had never closed when Badoo Enrico died, that I was still around. I was angry with Alee for alerting her that I might be alive back in October and never telling me she had done so. I was pissed off at myself for not closing off the past completely when I decided to keep Second Life Enrico going. 

 

I was honestly so focused on being angry at everything and everyone that I forgot to realize who I should really be angry at and why. Myself, aye indeed. But not for f*****g up the lies I had created and getting caught in them. For starting them in the first place. Hello! It took me a good day or two to get to that point of insight about the bloody thing. That was as far as I got alone, for I needed help. I got to that first step, of admitting I was powerless and I was totally fucked in the head. Oh, I knew I had mental health issues already. I had grown up with them, I had experienced the agoraphobia and social anxiety, dissociation and multiple personalities ever since being severely abused as a lad. But somehow I had managed to put this whole online behaviour into its own separate category. I do not claim yet to understand it. I think after a few months of therapy and 12-step meetings I understand it better than I did then, at least. 

 

So I knew I was fucked and sick in the head and I fell into a deep depression, the worst yet.  I cried for a day straight once I got over the initial feelings of rage. Considered suicide, cut myself all over, burned myself, was at an all-time low. I am not trying to get sympathy with saying this. I am not looking for anyone to pity me or to excuse the bollocks I did. There is no excuse and I deserve to be miserable for how I hurt people with this behaviour. For so many years. And that was why, precisely, that I was crying, why I was just wanting to die. Because the pain I had caused all those people was attacking me and I was feeling their sadness, their hurt. The guilt and self-hatred was overwhelming. 

 

I happened to have a doctor's appointment that day, a regular doctor who checks my liver enzymes and makes sure my disease is under control. He took one look at me and sent me straight to a therapist. I poured my heart out. It was an indescribable relief to be able to share what I had been doing for the past 12 years, something I had been doing in a secretive and shameful manner, not letting anyone know, carrying around the weight of it inside of me for so long. I let it out, crying, shaking, hysterical with the overwhelming emotions. He listened, and admitted that this was something he had never heard of, but assumed it was an addiction, a compulsive behaviour that needed to be treated as any other. 

 

It was a string of hope, a small lifeline for me. Perhaps I could not only learn not to do this anymore but I could figure out why I was doing it in the first place. I was sent to 12-step meetings. Admittedly not many exist for internet addiction but there are some out there as well as sexual addiction, and of course addiction to drugs. I am learning tis really all the same and the steps to overcome the addictions are the same. 

 

I admitted I was powerless over my addiction. How many times had I said I was done, I was going to stop, that this was it? How many times had I swore I was going to keep it under control, not let it get out of hand, not get in too deep, not hurt anyone else? And how many times had I failed miserably, and in fact gotten even further and deeper in each time? 

 

I came to believe that a Higher Power could restore me to sanity. A tough one because I have never been sane. But I cannot use that as a f*****g excuse. And I had turned to God in so many ways, becoming Christian and even getting over my shyness and social anxiety enough to attend church, so why not trust God to help me get through this? 

 

Humbly asked God to remove my shortcomings. I started praying, praying, praying. Sure I was also getting psychiatric care. I was going to meetings and actually telling these people what I had been doing, and getting their horrified and confused responses, and I had found a sponsor straight away. But the most help I was going to get in all this was there all along. And that was with God. 

 

I came to that point and then I knew that just talking to the people in the meetings, and so forth, was not enough. I needed to do more. I went to WritersCafe as “guest” status and read Alee's letters to me, as well as the responses. I knew that I could not leave things hanging with her. I expected to write to her one time, just to say that she had been special to me, after all, I had married her, and not to believe I had been trying to hurt her. I tried to explain myself and the internet addiction as best I could, and apologized once again … 

 

Right or wrong I did not write to anyone else I had harmed. I honestly was in a space of feeling they were better off not hearing from me, at least those who I knew what had happened to them, who had moved on with their lives. I knew Alee was still hurting … not just from her words on WritersCafe but because I could feel her. I might not have been Enrico or Angelo, but I still felt that connection to her. She was special and I needed to let her know that. So I did, thinking that would be the end of it. 

 

But we began a correspondence, this time with clear and set boundaries. Friends only. I would only be honest in what I told her and if I did not feel comfortable telling her something, I would not tell it, rather than making up a lie instead. Eventually, the true me, the man who is 53 years old, has Hep C to the point of liver disease, spends time in wheelchair or walks with cane, who is afraid of people and hates himself, was shown to her. The man who is not who she wants or needs in a life partner, who is not as I portrayed myself, who is a liar and tricked her for many years. I showed myself to her and she still wanted to be my friend. 

 

Those in my support group, my therapist and sponsor as well, at first did not agree with this correspondence, feeling that I was holding back her healing by staying in contact with her. But she swore I was helping her to heal, not the other way around, by staying in her life. I also came to realize that I needed to tell this story. Not just to other addicts in the 12-step program, and not just to my therapist who is after all paid to listen to me … but to people out there, in the virtual world. 

 

As I started this story, so I shall end it. 

 

Anyone who has spent any time online has encountered one.  Whether you know it or not, you have. Everyone talks about them … with disgust, dismay, scorn, ridicule, and maybe even a touch of pity. Perhaps you have been tricked by one yourself. At the very least you might have fallen for something they said and believed it to be true. At most, perhaps you were drawn into their lies and deceptions and became involved with them. And the worst case scenario? You fell in love with one, gave your heart to one, and got hurt beyond belief by one.  

Everyone hates them, and wishes they would stop their stupid and pointless games.  Their very existence online causes people to be suspicious of others and doubt them, so that those who are perfectly legitimate and honest are subject to unfair questioning and accusations. Everyone has a story, of this person or that, on a forum, a message board, in a chat room, even on an online dating service, who was dishonest in some way.  I am sure you have a story yourself to tell. Certainly there are plenty of stories being told out there.

But what of the person himself … the person behind the online persona? How many people are willing to come out and tell that story? I have looked, believe me. I have found stories of internet addiction, of sex addiction, and how the two seem intertwined in many cases. I have poured over tale after tale of those taken in, somehow, by the lies and deception. But so far, I have only found one,  in all my searching about the other side of the story, and that was a brief cry for help and advice from an anonymous account on a “questions” website …  that was written 3 years ago. That cry for help was, predictably, responded to with scorn, hatred, put-downs, profanity, name-calling, and a demand for the person to STOP NOW.

In telling how I came to this point, am I making excuses, or trying to ask for sympathy, or even compassion? Not at all. I realize more than anybody the damage and heartache that can be caused by lies and deceit. I know damn well that the only thing that comes from a fake relationship is very real pain and anger, a loss of self-esteem and destruction of trust that cannot be recovered.  What I am doing here by telling this story is trying to help others out there. Help those that might get caught up in this bollocks, either as one who gets fooled or … as the one who does the fooling.  To try and stop this horrible behavior before it destroys someone else’s life. For even as I know that I cannot seem to find other people’s stories out there told from the faker’s point of view, I know that I cannot possibly be the only one

Reviews

[curiocity]

Like others I signed up so I could comment on this story after following a link on another site to it and reading it and some of your other work like the BDSM story and poems. I was surprised at how involved I became in the life of someone I have never met by reading your writing and I will probably be here for awhile lol. I have to admit I am totally in love with you and that through the internet only and without ever having a chance to meet you you and how ironic is that considering the context of this story LOL! Anyway your imagination is awe inspiring and I would be completely content to just play act with you via email or instant messaging and have you be my Master, my Rock Star or whatever games you wanted to play because you are damn good at it that much is clear. I am glad I came across this link to this story that started me on the reading excursion of a lifetime. Seriously dude why are you not published somewhere? I am sending you a PM and please answer it I would love to have a dialogue with you no strings attached and just strictly for the fun I am sure I could make it worth your while. ;)

[OBWhiteHawk]

Wow. I don't know what caused me to read this one and usually I won't read something this long, and word for word. But I am glad I did. You took me into a world I wondered about expecially with shows like Cat Fish and some movies I have seen about pretending and lying online. This was great a real story that showed me the mind of someone who does this. I hope you can stay clear of it in the future and just be yourself, man. Don't hurt anyone else or yourself any more.

[Bambi]

Thank you for writing this. I signed up purely to comment and say thank you. You've helped me in ways you can't understand.. I thought I was alone. Your story is one I will refer to daily to help deal with my own troubles.

[M. Kari]

Well penned. It reads as true...and you sound just like JT his modus operandi were the same...not jail or death but the excuses and anger placing blame on me. But one thing that gets to me is my willingness to put up with it...why are there people like Alee and myself so willing to take and take and take...and even seek it? Yeah it is an addiction on my part too. Ever since I lost JT I have not been able to write on my novels properly...and got hooked on chatting which I had never thought would happen...but I skype. And stupidly gave my address to a guy...ah! I am 49 and know better. Well he does not speak English well and said something about sending me a wedding dress so I had to confess to my husband before the dress arrived...ah the games and lies we tell ourselves.

I convinced my husband that nothing was going on between us...as in fact nothing was except I love to chat and be told I am pretty and so I waste hours online...it's still a sickness even if the sexual aspect is kept minimal...hmmm I do hope you are finding peace. And I love the real you...even if I still have not seen it...I know it exists. :)

[Tattered Teddy]

I knew you would read this as you knew me as "Enrico" and I wondered what you would think. I am not sure what causes certain people to be vulnerable to people like myself. I have examined why I did it, and feel I understand fairly well at this point.
I have been finding peace. The real me is not so different in essence from the fake me, as far as heart and soul ... I am just not a handsome 30-something year old in prison. I am an ugly 53 year old in a very dull life. But other than that ... haha ...
I love you too my dear friend and I am realizing how very much I did miss having you in my life. :)

[Seamstress]

Ugly nothing those eyes of yours make up for EVERYTHING!

[M. Kari]

Thank you...it is the person I love not the persona

[Seamstress]

That is the exact same thing I've told him from day one.

[Tattered Teddy]

You are both so very sweet.

[SamanthaMarie]

You should not feel ashamed. You should not regret your actions. Despite what others have to say, you did do something good. You made people feel LOVE. I'm sorry but truly loving someone and recieving the love back for two weeks is worth ten years of pain. When you wake up and can't wait to go online and check your messages, the excitement and the thrill, it creates memories that last forever. When I was in highschool I talked to a guy I met in a chatroom. We ended up having an online/phone relationship. It was the first time I felt love and I felt it so deeply. Can you imagine living within thirty miles of each other but never able to get a ride or plans fall through? I had dreams of being so close yet so far and come to find out he sent me a fake picture and that was the whole reason he denied me. I wanted to give myself fully to him. I wanted him to take everything. And he lied. He broke up with me for another girl and it felt like he tore my heart right out of my chest. Then finally he sent me a picture, and really, he wasn't that attractive at all. But, it didn't matter... love is so much stronger than some would think. They underestimate the power of it. Everything happens for a reason. That I believe with all my being. So, please don't give up on it or yourself.

And also you have a great writing style!

[Tattered Teddy]

Thank you so much. I am amazed at your so very loving, forgiving, and open minded attitude. I do feel ashamed for lying and that shan't change but at the same time ... I was trying to find love. As I said in the story I was justifying my actions by feeling I was somehow helping my victims. Thank you do much for sharing your own experience. I am trying very hard not to give up.

[Heather Creps Mansfield]

I thoroughly enjoyed your autobiography, and it truly clarified many things for me. I also laughed a lot, and I decided that you probably also laughed as you wrote some of these things down.

God indeed has a sense of humor.

So rather than apologize in advance for selfishly lecturing/theorizing, I'll just get to it: You will certainly appreciate that God's existence means that "the formed arose from the unformed," which means that thought and emotional experience is what causes physical experience, so that it makes perfect sense that online (especially sexual) interactions are quite possibly the pinacle of intense and sublime human experience. Add wickedness to the mix, and everyone on the Internet becomes a Gladiator, fighting his own and others' demons in ever-escalating battles of wills. I say ever-escalating because it is only physical experience that can attenuate emotional experience, so this means that a person will not get "relief" from the intense emotions triggered by Internet escapades except through the most extreme physically (self)-destructive outlets/depressions.

This information is not meant to induce feelings of hopelessness--healing through honest communication must certainly be the way out of the gyre. Philosophically, however, I might say that the Internet is the Lord's "poetic justice"--super-intelligent, free-but-duplicitous human beings creating, then plunging themselves voluntarily into, a malicious virtual world of their own design--like "the Matrix"--and not being able to get out without learning and proclaiming the truth.

Anyway, your subject matter, your story-telling ability, and your writing style are all very compelling, great job!!!

[Tattered Teddy]

Wow. Thank you for such an eloquently written and well-thought-out comment on my piece. I agree with the points you made, no need to apologize. I never laughed while writing this, though as it was a very serious and pathetic situation I got myself and others into. However, I am glad that you found some humour throughout as well as getting the message I was conveying so very well indeed.

[Heather Creps Mansfield]

I should clarify that I wasn't laughing at you or the people you spoke of. I was a victim myself of a fake online relationship, and the irony of the perpetrator also being the victim/emotionally involved is where I found the comic relief. I had never really considered the possibility that the man who deceived me was wasting as much time as I was (albeit for different reasons) thinking about our online interactions, and that made me feel less foolish about the whole thing. I guess it also struck me that you were being quite responsible in your choice of forums, such that people you interacted with would be aware of the possibility that you were "acting." And not meaning to beat a dead horse, but perhaps you found your calling as a creative writer through your online experiences.

[Tattered Teddy]

Ahhh in that case I am so very glad I was able to give you a peek into the other side of that situation. Perhaps the one who deceived you had some things in common with me. Very happy to make you feel less foolish over it. To be honest I have always been a writer, and I realize now how much of my talent I poured into all of those personas and telling those lies. Talent I should have been using to create fictional stories, you are right there. :)

[Vix]

I only knew you as E but, I cared for you then and I care for you now. I wish you all the best on your path of healing and, as ever, to both you and Alee...I'm here if you should need me. -Vix

[Tattered Teddy]

Thank you so much Vix. Your words are much appreciated ... and so is the opportunity to apologize to you as well. I AM SORRY that I lied to you.

[Mrs Sugarpuff]

I have signed up simply to comment here. I think it was a brave thing to do to come forward with your story.

I knew you as 'Enrico', and on several occasions I helped Alee with her research trying to find out more information about your incarceration etc. I always had strong feelings that something was not right with Enrico, that you weren't who you said you were, but Alee knew you better than I, and out of my love for her I respected her feelings and her judgement of who you were. I found it odd that there were no records of someone incarcerated for the sort of crime 'Enrico' had committed, no news articles relating to the crime itself. I know that on occasions I would comment that things were weird, or something just didn't seem right, and I certainly wish I had been more vehement in my objections and concerns as maybe I could have spared her some of the pain she endured.

I haven't had much time lately to spend with Alee, the way we used to, but I am glad, and proud of her, that despite all that occurred she has found the strength to forgive and support you in your healing, as well as healing herself. In all honesty, knowing her as I do, I would expect no less.

I can understand the comments from others about attention seeking, but having worked in the mental health services and being familiar with twelve-step programs I also know that talking about what you have done, admitting your wrongs and apologising to those you hurt are all part and parcel of the process. As there were multiple people caught up in the lies surrounding the relationship with Alee, people you would have no other way to contact, I feel that a public space is appropriate. I know that on my part, I supported Alee when needed throughout the relationship. When you were 'incarcerated', believing you would have limited access to such things, I gifted items and credits to you within the virtual world to enable you to greater enjoy your time together and allow you to purchase her gifts. Other friends were dragged even more deeply into the deceptions, and so again I say whether people believe it attention seeking or not, a public forum is entirely appropriate.

I applaud you for at last being honest, for acknowledging what you have done and apologising for it. It must have been so exhausting and damaging to your wellbeing trying to maintain such a complex charade. I am glad you reached a point that you were able to do something about these behaviours and to try and make a positive change in your life. Stick with it, change is never easy especially where addiction is concerned, but in the long run it is worth it. Life, REAL life offers so much more than we can comprehend when our existence is darkened by the shadow of addiction hanging over our heads.

I am not sure if you know at this point who I am, but I do not carry any anger towards you anymore over what happened with Alee. Once upon a time I would have gladly hunted you down...

Get yourself well, and keep yourself well. As much as you may dislike yourself, we all have gifts to offer the world and I hope that you can discover what they are and let them blossom.

DPD.

[Seamstress]

Mrs. Sugarpuff, Thank you so much for all of the support you have shown Tattered Teddy and I from the very beginning. You have been an amazing friend for the two of us since day one.

[Tattered Teddy]

Thank you so much DPD for coming here, reading this with an open mind, and posting such a lovely comment.
More than that, though: thank you for allowing me the opportunity for apologizing to you, right here and now, for lying to you.
I AM SORRY.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

ok. i read most of this. it's too long and self-indulgent for me to complete. sorry. i have no sympathy for you at all. nor do i believe you have changed. i still think you're getting off on your deceptions. only now you're doing it by recounting them. the only people you needed to apologize to are the people you offended personally. no one else needed to know any of this. to make matters worse, you still justify some of your deceptions by saying you helped build self esteem in your victims? oh please. that's like a rapist saying he at least made his victim feel wanted. get over yourself. confession is not a public display. it's something between you and god and you and those you offend. i think this is more of a boast than a confession. you should be ashamed... again.

[Seamstress]

I believe you are wrong about this. I will admit I was one of the victims and am glad to see that he has posted this warning among a place where many can see it. Confession can be a public display if it is how you wish it to be. I think you should be ashamed to put down someone who is telling his story in order to let others know of the dangers.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

the only time confession needs to be public is if it is a public offense, such as by an elected official. why shout your sins to the world other than to bring attention to yourself? no one needed to know this. it's not a cautionary tale, it's a chronicle of his exploits and conquests. it was not done as a warning. i think you continue to be a victim here, believing a narcissist who is merely looking for attention. he even, in another piece of writing, complains that someone stole his confession. why? because he wants the praise and credit. if he's truly concerned about getting the word out about this kind of internet abuse, he should be happy it's re-posted, no matter who gets credit.

[Seamstress]

We shall have to agree to disagree because I do not see this as you do. This was a very public offense and spanned nations. Also with it having taken place over a long period of time addresses and links have been changed. This is a way for Tattered Teddy to tell of what he did an show others that it can happen. I do not see him as being narcissistic at all or seeking attention. He complains simply because they were his words that were stolen just as mine were by the same person and yes I have reported it to both site administrators that the works are handled through. There are many reasons he is unhappy just as myself. The one who has stolen the work has mentioned making money off of it and that is simply not right. Tattered Teddy, has posted this on a public forum for all to see FREE OF CHARGE so why should she earn money from his confession?

[bob, small b. aka invs]

you're right. we will agree to disagree.

[Tattered Teddy]

NOT looking for sympathy. I said that more than once in the story. NOT still justifying a damn thing. Said that as well more than once. I have posted it publicly because I wanted to show how twisted the mind of a faker is, from the perspective of a faker. Take it or leave it, I was being honest about it all in order to not only purge myself but to help others not be taken in by it.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

let me explain why i reacted so strongly to your piece here. i have a friend, married to a guy who is a sex addict. when she first found out he was cheating on her, he became the most repentant, loving, reformed person you'd ever want to meet. he went to sex addiction anonymous meeting and impressed that whole group with his sincerity and sorrowful confessions. he really got off on being mr. sex addict anonymous. only he was still calling escorts every chance he got. still cheating on his wife. and she'd keep catching him and he'd keep finding new ways to shine. churches loved his confessions. new age? the secret? therapies? you name it. so pardon me if i'm not impressed by a player who says he's quit playing. i only see it as a new game he's trying out. if that's not true in your case, i'm sorry. but as i said before, i see no reason why you'd make any of this public except for self-promotion. the kindest thing you could have done is simply to have disappeared from the internet without a word. hanging around in a new role is just stringing your victims along a little longer. by the way, i remembered what you had said in your story about not looking for sympathy and not justifying a damn thing. i also remember from your story that there is no reason in the world for anybody to believe you at this point. and i didn't.

[Tattered Teddy]

Thank you so much for explaining. As Seamstress stated, we disagree on my motives here, for I have researched and there is NO stories online that explain this horrible phenomena from a faker's point of view. Whether or not you agree with how I wrote it, or believe I have changed, at least this side of things has been told by someone now.

[filizakkaya]

You're really talented, I'm in awe of this, congrats :) keep writing

[Tattered Teddy]

I am glad to be using my writing talent to instruct, rather than deceive now. Thank you.