The Girl I Am Now, Misses The One I Once Was

I hate the feelings that I feel,

The thoughts that prey upon my brain…

This loneliness I feel - will it ever go away?

I really hope to find internal peace,

With the changes that have occurred...

This new person I can’t stand - this new girl whom has spurred.

I hate the way you all stare at me,

The longing, judging looks of shame…

These pained expressions - will you ever feel the same?

I hate who I’ve become,

The empty heart I carry yearns for constant love…

It wonders if there’s such a place - is there a heaven above?

I wish to find my sanity,

This thing like all my certainty has vanished…

My sanity buried sure and deep - where has it been banished?

I wish my many fears would leave,

This fear of becoming another stranger and a ghost…

I’m invisible and forgotten - this is perhaps the fear that plagues me most.

I hate the idea of being turned into another pessimist,

When optimism was at once my weapon of choice…

I wielded my smile like a sword - it protected a girl with a quiet voice.

I really hope to recapture the thing I had been,

A girl who was much softer and easier to love…

This girl I am now -  misses the girl I once was.

Reviews

[Mifa]

I have to tell you it pisses me off a lot when I come across great works such as this and basically, no one is making a comment and the views are crappily average at best (excuse the french). Honestly, I don't like the poem for nothing more than the uninhibited honesty behind the poets narrative voice. Most times a lot of the poems we right are observations of the poet from, often, a safe distance. But on some very rare occasions, such as this, you get as close as you can. The haunting beauty that drives such works are astonishing.

Chances are when you wrote this, you probably shed a little tears or felt a stiffness in your fingers as some of the things that crawled up your thoughts felt so heavy and painful that you had to fight back the burning urge to just quit it and go write about something less personal --probably something ruminative.

In my opinion, the best works we as writers ever get to write are not those that come from the heart, but those that are told from it. I loved this beyond what any of my ramblings could ever hint. And I have to tell you I felt a connection to your pain that doesn't require for me to say, "I know how you feel", but rather requires me to say that while I read this, "I could feel how you feel".

This is a great poem and I hope to God the girl you are now knows that she could be much more than her demons dictate. And that the girl you were, whom you miss so much, is still very much within the girl you are now.

And just for good measures, with reference to these lines,

"I hate the way you all stare at me,
The longing, judging looks of shame…
These pained expressions - will you ever feel the same?"

...I say f**k them.

Stay strong Edana. Keep writing.

[T. Edana Talbott]

Thank you kindly my friend. The lack of views can be disheartening sometimes, but they'll never stop me from writing - it is my therapy and simply something I enjoy. Besides, when I have great supporters like you, who needs tons of views anyway :D

[Mifa]

Aww...I'm flattered. Keep doing what you do my dear.

[Nina H.]

Honestly there aren't enough words to describe this great piece, but I will try to do it justice. This is so real and deep. While reading it I could imagine how hard it must have been to write it, it's so emotional and personal. I'm glad you shared it, because I can (not on the same level as you perhaps) relate to this. And always remember whatever happened, it made you stronger. So stay strong always and forget what the world says or thinks. You just stay true to yourself. Keep writing.

[T. Edana Talbott]

Thank you so, so much Nina. I will try.