I was never happy

A Poem by Dark Poetry

Do you still remember?

The day you asked if I’m happy after what I did?

I remember.

I remembered how I blamed myself,

I remembered how I wished I was never there,

I remembered how I wished that I never existed,

I remembered how your question became the answer of:

“If I’m not here, will everything be perfect?”!

That question leads me to the purpose of my life.

Maybe if I’m not there it won’t happen,

Maybe if I’m not there your dinner won’t be ruined,

Maybe if I’m not there your day won’t be ruined,

Maybe if I’m not there you’re still happy,

Maybe if I’m not there everything will be perfect!

I keep apologizing but inside of me I hate myself!

I hate to be the person I came to be.

You wonder after all that you did, that’s how I repay?

After all that you did, I still have the guts to act that way!

You thought maybe I was happy doing that,

Maybe I was happy seeing how because of me that night became a disaster!

You said I’m always like this.

Making small things worse.

Sensitive.

And you’re tired of the same scenario.

Well news for you:

That day,

The moment you said that.

I wish I was never been born.

Because you will never be tired if I’m not.

There are no same scenarios.

No one being sensitive.

And no one makes the small things worse.

How I wish I was no one,

How I wish I never existed,

How I wish I’m not there,

But I’m there.

Too bad I’m there.

Too bad I existed.

Too bad to ruin your day.

Or worse: your life.

I was never happy.

I was never happy ruining that night,

I was never happy making small things worse,

I was never happy creating the same scenarios,

I was never happy being sensitive,

I was never happy being always like this.

I was never happy being me.

And maybe that was the problem.

You didn’t know how I was excited that day!

That was the only time I’ve been happy after feeling worthless.

The only day I’m happy being with the people I love.

Family day it is!

Family day is love!

But in a split second I ruined it!

Then you asked me if I was happy?

Too bad I’m not.

I should’ve known better.

I must not be too happy,

For bad things might come.

And it did.

I tried to be okay after that,

And honestly I’ve no idea when did that happened.

But that day made impact in my life.

Made impact on how well you understood me.

Honestly, now I fear seeking you for advice.

I fear you will utter the same words,

I fear hearing it all over again,

I fear hearing that I was the problem,

I fear you giving me all the blame,

I know I am the one to be blamed,

But I don’t know if my heart could still handle,

These thousand, million things I blame myself.

It happened months ago,

But the words you said is still in my heart.

It is not because I’m holding a grudge,

But it reflects on how I know I was seen by people.

And like what I said it became the answer to one of my questions in life.

I’m sorry to be this kind of person,

But I hope you also know I never wanted to be like this.

I never wanted and never will.

Honestly it hurts me hearing those words from you.

You know why?

Because all my life I believe that if there is someone who’ll understand me,

It will be you!

You said you understand me,

You said you’ve been here before,

But how come I feel like you don’t?

How come I feel like I’m alone in this journey?

Maybe I was wrong.

Sorry for expecting too much from you,

When I’m not the person you want me to be.

I guess what you said will forever in my heart,

Not as a grudge,

But as a reminder to act cautiously.

To act maturely enough not to make things worse,

To not act like a sensitive little kid,

To be the person I should be.

Please know that I love you,

Too much that I wish I was never your pain.

But I never thought I am.

And because of that I will never be happy.

Because of that I wish I didn’t exist.

Because of that I wish I’m not here.

So I’m sorry.

Because I am here.

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Reviews

Anjali

this poem is a beautiful piece of art! i adore the way you wrote it and its truly beautiful. its a little bit relatable too, in a way. i also have the same questions in my head. but, please, dont think like that. i know its hard, but please try. by the way, keep writing!