Kebili

an old piece of mine which I've severely cut down and re-worked. It was originally present tense and a few verses longer, I though unnecessarily.

It kills you too darling, I know it.
We crossed the line of love and lust.
This may have been our ‘star-crossed’ moment
but it always felt real to us.

We led each other, laced our fingers.
We tried to find the rigid words.
Away from scouting bar room singers
trying to combine our parting worlds.

You promised me you fought my fight
and you gave me that ‘we know’ smile.
This city on a cold April night
to me felt just like Kebili.

About to say almost everything;
things that we’ve both always known.
Then suddenly you go back to him
and I wake up alone.

Reviews

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I enjoyed this and really like the way it sounded. The reference to and title of Kebili makes this poem have an air of mystery...and that is nice. We don't have to know it all. The actual name makes it very personal and fills it with a reality that sometimes vague references miss.

I think this is one of my favorites of yours so far.


love these lines especially:
"This may have been our ‘star-crossed’ moment
but it always felt real to us."

[TheJordBaker]

thankyou!! glad you enjoyed it.

[Brandon Mathis]

You described lust and love so well here, great work!!!

[TheJordBaker]

thanks!!

[Brandon Mathis]

no problem, check out my newest poems iv been using a different style and would love feedback.

[TheJordBaker]

sure, no bother. will do later today.

[Brandon Mathis]

ok, thanks much appreciated

[ewest1220]

You invoke so much strength throughout this work and then at the end you take it all away. Great work you had me totally sucked in!

[TheJordBaker]

thank you!!

[Piro]

The rhyming here is really well done. Nothing's forced. There is one line I'm not sure I understand though: "You promised me you fought my fight" . Overall though, it's fantastic.

[TheJordBaker]

thanks very much :)
yeah, I just realised about that line, it's relating to the actual back-story itself and I now notice it makes no sense in the poem because I didn't go into it haha.

[afra]

good job ...keep it up

[TheJordBaker]

thanks :)