Caught In A Glance

Caught In A Glance

A Chapter by TheMalady
"

The breeze fondles her long, straight flaxen locks; a gentle smile beaming at him which leave the words stuck in his throat...

"

Again. All over again. 


Always - almost every single day he would find her standing by the window, her hazel brown eyes staring at some distant world he just can't comprehend. He catches her indulging in this habit every lunch break. She quietly slips herself from the buzzing crowd like a phantom, secluding herself from the noise, solely walking through the spotless art room blanche in the glowing golden light. She slides open the glass window to allow the soft breeze to caress her skin. Her eyes would always be watching the vast clear blue sky. 


'What is she thinking? What can she see with those murky eyes?'


Kite Daves stops himself.


"Are you also here to watch the sky?" the small and soft voice akin to a nightingale's stops him from deserting the room. The jet black haired boy hesitantly turns to her, hazel brown eyes instantly meet those glassy gray ones. The world glows around them. The breeze fondles her long, straight flaxen locks; a gentle smile beaming at him which leave the words stuck in his throat.


Yuna Clyne has been here for a little while, silently enjoying the Spring air combing the soft strands of her hair, the bright sakura aimlessly swaying as the wind flaps its invisible wings up towards the sky. Always - she spends her precious time in the empty art room, keeping herself from the noise that hinders her mind's eye from wandering the serenity of her own world.


She wordlessly studies him for a while. How rather unexpected. She thought, watching him pull up his eyebrows, a shadowy glint of reluctance flickering in his gray eyes. Facing him in person is rather refreshing, like the morning mist, for he is one of those people that are difficult to talk to.


"No. I am not," Kite answers, meeting her eyes. It is all so sudden how the flickering shadows slick back to its cavern, replace promptly by his glassy gaze.


"I see," she answers in a faint voice, slowly turning back towards the clear blue sky with the cool wind stroking against her smooth face.


Pathetic me... Shaking his head, he turns around on his heel, ambling his way along the throng-filled aisle, ignoring the curious eyes searing him. Should he bother himself with others? 

No. That will be a waste of time however, not until Spring ends...


"Kite, we won't live here anymore. Learn to let go, especially of people..." his mother's words are enough for him. People - they are difficult to let go. So, to make things easy for him, he keeps a definite distance from them.


His gray eyes wander towards the sakura dancing outside, its fully-bloomed petals playfully flirting with the gentle wind without any anxieties in its bright pink hues. Whatever Yuna thinks is none of his concern. A lone specter lost in the world of commonalities that pulsates of indefinite possibilities, whatever her eyes see will be her own and not his. Words cannot easily define her, for her whole being is shrouded in a thick veil of silence. 


Their beings are akin to white and black: Kite lives in the midst of the blaring lights and covetous eyes, while Yuna choose to stay in the shadows, blissfully watching the monotonous flow of life in complete silence. 


Yes. They are the complete opposite. Whatever he does in the present, the future is already definite. Because after the spring term ends, his eyes will no longer have to follow her again.

The days pass by like clouds sailing smoothly on the clear blue sky. For how long he watches the sun dyeing its golden and tangerine hue amidst the canvas of the endless horizon, he is not aware. Because once more, he finds himself enthrall to her being - he stands there on the scattered shadows of sakura, chasing away the fading crimson shaft of light whilst the sweet scent wafts into his nostril, quietly watching her standing at the second floor by the window, as always, in the vacant art room. 


What is she thinking? What can she see with those murky eyes? 


His mind however, repeats the same inquiries, bottling the queer emotion that gradually swells within him.


Again. All over again. 


He watches her. And his world is soon filled with silence.


Only the gentle wind whispering her song fill his ears, the sakura petals muffling out the residue of voices amidst the roaring world. 


Quietly, his eyes catch the soft light playing in her hazel brown eyes as the last crimson kiss upon the ground, while the wind brushes the flaxen strands of her long and straight hair from her face. 


In a blink of an eye, the song of silence fades into the oblivion, filling his ears with the familiar voices and afternoon music.


However, it is at that moment his world has fallen into her own as she turns her hazel brown eyes to him.

 

For the last time, despite the future laid before him, he knows that he won't be able to escape those eyes.


        His breath is taken away. He is completely caught in a glance.







© 2016 TheMalady



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Reading this story makes me feel like I'm reading a manga without the drawings lol it has my interest though. So I assumed this was all going to be one continuous story but now I infer it's more of an anthology, separate stories throughout Japan connected by the theme of romance? If so, that can be very promising. I also love the use of the sakura leaves as a recurring motif, just subtly thrown in there.

If I can make a suggestion, you should probably incorporate more dialogue and in doing so flesh out the characters' personalities more. I'm sure you know the rule of 'show, don't tell'?

" They are in two completely different worlds… "
"Yes. They are complete opposite..."
Instead of just telling the reader they're different, maybe you should let readers see it for themselves through the their dialogue and inner thoughts and whatnot. If they're different, let them talk about their experiences, give them different outlooks on life, different attitudes and personalities, different ways of speaking, etc.

Hope that was helpful, good luck!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot for pointing that out. I will try to wrack my brain with that. I just love the sakura, .. read more



Reviews

The language is soft and flows well. I really like the imagery that you have used.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot for reading! Your review will make my day awesome! :)
ExquisiteEyes

1 Year Ago

You're welcome :)
For me there were too many unkowns (literally). I would imagine reading something like this after being acquainted with the characters, not before. The language, however, is beautiful - soft and caressing, very pleasant to read. Thanks for sharing!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot, Archo! It's my pleasure to have your praise. I'm happy that you liked this. :)
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pb
It sound to me like I am readin' a Japanesse story..and I like it, but next time put more dialogues..it becomes more interesting and less bored..
Anyway, I enjoyed that! :)

pb

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Sure! I'll add more dialogues. I wasn't really planning on making this as a book, however I thought .. read more
I like the image, though again, as I commented on your other chapter, too many too nice words ;) in there. Though I think that somehow this is my fav among your other storylike writings.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Oh, thank you very much! I'm honored! Haha, I think I'm obsessed with words, especially on describin.. read more
Closed

1 Year Ago

You're welcome.
Reading this story makes me feel like I'm reading a manga without the drawings lol it has my interest though. So I assumed this was all going to be one continuous story but now I infer it's more of an anthology, separate stories throughout Japan connected by the theme of romance? If so, that can be very promising. I also love the use of the sakura leaves as a recurring motif, just subtly thrown in there.

If I can make a suggestion, you should probably incorporate more dialogue and in doing so flesh out the characters' personalities more. I'm sure you know the rule of 'show, don't tell'?

" They are in two completely different worlds… "
"Yes. They are complete opposite..."
Instead of just telling the reader they're different, maybe you should let readers see it for themselves through the their dialogue and inner thoughts and whatnot. If they're different, let them talk about their experiences, give them different outlooks on life, different attitudes and personalities, different ways of speaking, etc.

Hope that was helpful, good luck!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot for pointing that out. I will try to wrack my brain with that. I just love the sakura, .. read more
A very good chapter.
"For the last time, despite the future laid before him, he knows that he won't be able to escape those eyes.
His breath is taken away. He is completely caught in a glance."
I like the set-up of the story and the gentle pace leading to above good ending. A glance can steal your heart.
Coyote



This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Hi! Thank you very much for time in reading and reviewing my work! Your feedback will motivate me fu.. read more
Coyote Poetry

1 Year Ago

I'm glad and you are welcome.
"The jet black haired boy hesitatingly turns to her, hazel brown eyes meet those glassy gray ones all at once." I do believe the word would be hesitantly, not hesitatingly. Also, I am not quite sure if the phrase "all at once" is the one you're looking for, try something like "hazel brown eyes meet his glassy grey ones and they freeze. The world glows around them."

"The breeze fondling her long, straight flaxen locks; a gentle smile beaming at him which leave the words stuck in his throat." I think it may be fondles, not fondling, the only problem I am seeing reoccurring is the tense you're using.

"Yuna Clyne has been here for a little while, silently enjoying the Spring air combing the soft strands of her hair, the bright Sakura aimlessly swaying as the wind flaps its invisible wings up towards the sky. Always - she finds her precious time in the empty Art Room, keeping herself from the noise that hinders her mind's eye from wandering the serenity of her own world." This paragraph is a bit confusing. What do you mean she has been here a little while? In the room? In the town? Is she new? Also, you randomly capitalize words, I am not sure if that is supposed to have a certain affect, like making the word more important, or if it is just a mistake. "She finds her precious time in the empty Art room." This statement alone is one of the more confusing ones, what do you mean she found her time? Did you mean spend?


"Facing him in person is rather refreshing, like the morning mist for he is one of those people that are difficult to talk to." Simple punctuation error, you forgot a comma after "mist," without it, the sentence flows strangely.

""No. I am not," Kite answers, meeting her eyes. It is all so sudden how the flickering shadows slick back to its cavern, promptly replace by his glassy gaze." Perhaps say "once more" after "meeting her eyes," since you already used that action? Also, with the tense you've been using, it would be "replacing," not "replace."

""Kite, we will never live here anymore. Learn to let go, especially people..." his mother's words are enough for him. People - they are difficult to let go. So to make things easy for him, he can only offer a definite distance from them." Maybe the mother just has bad grammar, but the sentence was slightly confusing. "Kite, we will be leaving this place. Learn to (things) go, especially people..." Might work a bit better. Also, maybe saying "So, to make things easier for him, he keeps a definite distance from them," might flow better as well.

"His gray eyes wander towards the Sakura dancing outside, their fully-bloomed petals playfully flirting with the gentle wind without any anxieties in its bright pink hues. Whatever Yuna thinks is none of his concern. A lone specter lost in the world of commonalities that pulsates of indefinite possibilities, whatever her eyes see will be her own and not his. Words cannot easily define her, for her whole being is shrouded in a thick veil of silence." Use either "its" or "their" in that sentence about the Sakura, not both! It makes it read weird.

"Yes. They are the complete opposite. Whatever he does in the present, the future is already definite. Because after the Spring Term ends, he will never have to watch her anymore." That last part is a bit weird, try "he will no longer be able to watch her," or "he will never have to watch her again." One of the two, don't mix them together, haha.

"How long he watches the sun dyeing its golden and tangerine hue amidst the canvas of the endless horizon, he is not aware." Maybe put "For" at the beginning would make that better.

"His mind however, repeats the same inquiries, trapping him to a queer emotion swelling within him." That last bit flows weird as well, maybe "trapping the queer emotions swelling within him," just cut out "him to a."

Please forgive the large amounts of critiques! You asked for them, so I gave them. Reading your stories out loud would quickly abolish any and all of the edits I just gave you. Use them as you will, even with errors, your story is magnificent! I look forward to reading them all.








This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

O.O
Whoa! This is so intense! However, thank you very much! You're a life-saver. I'll keep yo.. read more
Obscured by the Shadows

1 Year Ago

You're welcome, any time you need a good critique, I will definitely spend some time analyzing your .. read more
TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot! I will definitely ask for that! :)
I really love the way you wrote it .. Great with creatively !!! I like it alot it's really great !!! Thanks for sending me the request

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

zunie frost

1 Year Ago

No worries !!!! You will do great
TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thank a lot! Really, thank you very much! :)
zunie frost

1 Year Ago

Welcome !!!!
Oh my good golly goodness, I cannot even express my longing to read more! Is the story going to continue? When! Oh my, your style of writing is very sophisticated, but also smooth and clean, beautiful. I love the way you dance between the too people's thoughts and views, you made it very clear who was thinking, making it easy to understand. If there are flaws, they are minor grammatical and spelling ones, other than that, I'd say it is really good the way it is! Thank you so much for sharing, I am eager to see what comes next.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot for reading! Yeah, I am still fixing my errors and time after time, I am understanding .. read more
Obscured by the Shadows

1 Year Ago

I will read all the other chapters when I get the chance! Added to my library for sure.
TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Oh, geez... I'm really flattered. I am also hoping for your criticisms! I will need all the help I c.. read more
Beyond Beautiful! I can fully understand and comprehend all of the details now. The imagery and wording was advanced and played a huge part in this. This has to be one the the best things I have ever read.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Yup. That is what I want to do. I want to use the omniscient since you could see both sides. And ten.. read more
McBear

1 Year Ago

Yeah, I agree. :) Well, keep working! It's looking good.
TheMalady

1 Year Ago

Thanks a lot! I will also be reading your works! Good luck to the both of us! Let's do our best! :)

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Added on January 13, 2016
Last Updated on May 4, 2016
Tags: Romance, School Life, Slice of Life


Author

TheMalady
TheMalady

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Somehow, it seems I can't keep up with the multiple reviews that gradually increase each day. I'll try to make it a point to read your work. Meanwhile, I am currently revising some of my old works.. more..

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