He has a way with children.

Hey, I might add to this. It hasn't got much of a plot line. But guess what? It's another story about the FIRE BREATHING UNICORN OF DARKNESS!!!!

Fud.
Three letters that could mean so many things. Fishing Until Dinner. Feeling Utterly Demonic.

In this case, it stands for Fire breathing Unicorn of Darkness. But, you know, it could have been anything else. So don't beat yourself up if your guess was incorrect.

 

***

 

“ Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder what you…”

 

Fud silenced the doll with a single jab of his horn.

Kids, he thought. Seriously. If I ever have children, they are never going to play with this sort of trash.

It was after midday, and the unicorn's virtually nonexistent patience was being ground into oblivion by the presence of a young human, who was at that moment in the corner of the cave, crying her eyes out. Kidnapping her had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now he was regretting that decision. In fact, if there was some sort of instrument that could test for regret, it would explode before even coming into contact with Fud. Probably before it even reached the cave.

 

Eyes blazing, the unicorn turned back to the girl. He snorted.

“Listen, kiddo. I probably just did you a favour there. If I hadn’t done that, some snot nosed little boy would’ve,”

 

That was true. He pawed the ground for added effect, flicking his tail sharply. As long as he could shut her up, he didn't care what he had to do. Avoiding actual violence would be preferable, but he was at his wits' end. He could easily do something like that.

The child finally looked up at him, shut her mouth, and squinted through blonde bangs. He likened her to a rather pale mole.

 

“Horsey?”

 

Fud reeled back in shock.

“What? I’m not a damn horse, girl! I’m a unicorn. The Fire breathing UNICORN of Darkness. Don’t you humans know anything?”

 

Her eyes filled with tears once more, and within moments the girl was bawling as though she’d never even stopped. Fud groaned in exasperation, turned in circles a few times, then turned to glare at the child with his blazing eyes. If he had been human, god forbid, he would have been tearing out his hair with fury.

 

“Look, just shut up! I’m sure you’ve got plenty of dolls. Hell, you’re probably daddy’s little princess, aren’t you?”

 

The girl only screamed louder, but that wasn’t the worst of it. Now Fud could hear footsteps coming up the path to his cave. He froze, undecided, then swung his horn about to face the entrance. A beam of sunlight glinted off the tip.

 

After a few tense moments, a man appeared in the narrow opening.

“Jessie?” he called, squinting into the cave. “I’m coming, darling. Did you hurt yourself?”

 

Fud nearly threw up. It was everything he’d been dreading. The doting father, come to save his pampered little girl. No doubt he would be armed with sticking plasters, to patch up any small boo-boos. Fud was disgusted. How much more was he going to have to take?

 

As the man came closer, the unicorn drew a deep breath and spat a tongue of bright orange flame that made the very air seem to glow. The girl and her father both screamed, tried to scramble up the rock wall, but inevitably failed.

 

Finally, Fud cut off the flow of fire with a flick of his tongue. In the semi darkness his eyes seemed to glow, like burning embers.

 

“I am the Fire breathing Unicorn of Darkness!” he roared. “Fear my wrath, for it is unlike anything you shall ever witness. I am a creature of pure, unrivaled malevolence and passion. Like a whirlwind, I devastate all"

Unfortunately for the unicorn, he hadn’t counted on the girl’s father having a can of pepper spray. The man whipped it out, spraying it point blank into Fud’s face, then seized his daughter and fled from the cave. The sound of their panicked cries for help echoed around the chamber, assaulting their former captor's ears  with malevolence and passion.

 

Fud shrieked in agony, eyes streaming. He reared up; shaking his head, then let loose another bright tongue of flame. A brief stream of curses that do not translate literally to English, and are part of the ancient and noble language of the unicorns, flew from his mouth. Then;

 

“Cowardly mortals!” he howled. “Stay and damn well fight!”

 

But by the time he was back to normal, they were long gone. Muttering foully, the unicorn lay down in the depths of his cave.  The world outside was silent once more.

 

“Humans,” he spat. “The backwash of the universe,”

Author's Note

Just tell me what you think. I love feedback on my pieces!

Reviews

[r]

Oh my God!!! I love this!!! This is one of my favorite things I have EVER read!! It's so original, and freaking hilarious!!

FUD!! lmao!! Love it, love it, love it!!

[Natalie]

This is hilarious! Just a little polishing would make this piece into an absolute classic.