Tiny brave girl

Tiny brave girl

A Story by Tomoe Tellez
"

When you are young and confused, it doesn't mean you can't do something for the people you love.

"
 Little Ronnie was in the carriage laughing merrily to one of her uncle Frank's stories. 
"And do you know what your father did?"
"What?" asked Ronnie stopping her chubby cheeks for a second.
"He shouted like a lady and ran away from the cow." said Frank adjusting her baby brother John tighter to his chest. The road was getting bumpy. Ronnie remembered well that road from last week's trip and it wasn't so bumpy.
"That's not truuu." said Ronnie with her annoying whining voice. "My father is the bravest of the."
A thunderous sound of something huge hitting the ground was heard. Ronnie jumped in her seat, pulling her knees up and hugging them. Her uncle didn't seem to know whether to look out the window or stay in with the children when he started hearing angry voices of various men. 
The switch of emotions on his eyes from fear to a frown told Ronnie he knew those voices.
"Is it them?" whispered Ronnie frightened.
Uncle Frank just nodded in affirmative and put his index finger to his mouth. He wrapped John completely in his rich blue blankets as if it were an armor and signaled Ronnie to go under the seat where she would be hidden by the tapestry that hang to the ground of the carriage. 
As she climbed down to hide herself and heard the voices she was also listening to her fears. Where was uncle Frank going to hide baby John? Where was he going to hide? What was happening outside? Her parents had been at the front of the carriage leading the horses! What were the bad men doing to them? Surely father was strong enough to fight them off. He had never lost a fight.
"Get out!" They were there!
"I said get out of the carriage!" shouted the man impatiently.
"Sir, I am holding a child, let me take my time if you don't want him to wake up." said Frank with a grave tone.
Ronnie felt the carriage rise at the loss of weight, uncle Frank was a round man after all, he couldn't hide that under thick coats and capes.
"And bring the girl with you."
Ronnie shut her eyes tight. How did they know she was there?
Her uncle raised the tapestry a moment later with a worried expression and gave her his free hand to help her out and down from the carriage.
At least then she could see all the answers to her fears.
Her parents were standing on the roadside with their hands in the head. They half smiled to her to reassure her that it would be okay. Her father looked like a reprimanded little boy who wasn't allowed to play with his wooden sword. And her mother had that stare she got when she was promising someone the impact of her fist to their noses. 
But something was wrong. Her parents weren't doing anything yet. Sure, there were ten of those bad men with swords and only three of them, but they had told her of worse situations they had found themselves in and gotten out alive. So why weren't they doing anything!
Thunder began to make its crooked melody and lightning danced to the rhythm through the skies above them. This woke John up and he began to fuss, looking for a way out of the blankets.
"Isn't this sad?" chided one of the men to her father. He was a head taller than him and had black hair. "How do you go from being the best knight in the kingdom," he said out loud, but then whispered to his men," and a prince?" All the bad men chuckled mockingly.
"To being a fugitive in a foreign kingdom." the dark haired man was now right in front of her father. "You're a disgrace Alavar." And then he did the unexpected and kicked Alavar in the stomach. "And growing old."
Little Ronnie watched her great hero fall to the ground on his knees.
"No, father!" she shouted in distress, running to his side. The little girl that was dressed like the princess she was supposed to be in crimson and fine layers of velvet kneeled beside her father looking for his gaze.
"I'm alright princess." said Alavar with a sweet smile to reassure her. 
As Ronnie turned her head to the man and gave him a look of defiance she felt the dazzling drops of rain her bonnet had kept away.
"Aren't you proud of your daughter?" said the man sarcastically. "She is just like you," the man then slapped her swiftly in the face, knocking her head into the forest ground.
She felt something hard hit her close to the nape and it wasn't the dirt or leaves in the ground.
"You!" Alavar growled in rage and stoop up in one single jump to attack the armed man with his hands, fingers clawed into his palms. "How dare you!"
But he was only able to punch him once before the other men went at him and held him away. 
The dark haired man had stumbled a step back covering his face. He looked at his left hand covered in blood from his broken nose.
"You have no idea of who I am," he said laughing through his bloodied teeth.
"You are certainly not the king." bellowed a new voice in the forest.
Everyone turned to see it was a general with an escort from the King Tornel. The rain began to fall faster and in greater forms of droplets, hitting the ground with the force of rocks. The baby John broke into cries at the sudden change.
Laying down in the floor under the trees Ronnie saw all the bad men try to escape through the road which they came from, but the tree they had chopped down blocked them one of their ways out. So they were trapped between the king's knights and a tree.
Tisha rushed to her daughter.
"Are you alright sweetheart?" said Tisha as she helped Ronnie sit up.
"Yes mother," said Ronnie numbly, she heard the rain like it was a swarm of wasps. 
Her mother untied the bonnet's ribbons and removed it from Ronnie’s head to look with her hands if she was hurt. 
"That's going to turn into a goose egg," said Tisha making her child laugh. She picked Ronnie up and took her to the carriage while the knights chased and fought all of the bad men. 
The girl also noticed that her father just followed them with his hood on shading all of his face. 
Oh right. Ronnie had forgotten that he had to keep the king's knights from seeing him. Uncle Frank handed over the baby boy to Alavar so he could go in the carriage with Tisha and her while he would lead the horses this time.
"How are you princess?" said Alavar once he was seated, soothing his boys cries and replacing the wet blankets with dry ones.
"I am all right father." answered Ronnie with a bright smile. She squeezed the water out of her hair when she saw her mother do it. "My head hurts just a little."
"Are you sure?" asked Tisha with concern. She got out some bigger blankets from the carriages drawers to cover their wet clothes.
Ronnie ran a hand through her curly locks looking for the bump herself and she found something odd. She looked at her finger tips speckled with blood and immediately cleaned it off in her red dress when Tisha wasn't looking
She couldn't tell anyone. Her father would surely risk his freedom just to take her to the nearest doctor, which would be in King Tornel's kingdom. Only he knew the way, he wouldn't let Tisha go or his brother.
"Yes, it feels like when I fell from the tree the other day, remember?" said Ronnie taking the red bonnet from her mother to put it on. "I'll just have a bump for a few days, that's all."
Tisha smiled down at her warmly and hugged her to her side.
By the time John had fallen back to sleep one of the guards peeked inside the carriage.
"We have removed the tree from the road." said the guard.
"Thank you for your help." said Tisha sitting up straight.
"Are any of you hurt?"
"No, we are all right," said Tisha nodding.
"What about your daughter?" asked the guard. "We have no doctors in the escort but we can take you to the kingdom,"
"It's just a bump. I'll be all right," said Ronnie hoping nobody would notice her lie.
"Then we wish you luck on the rest of your journey." said the guard smiling at Ronnie.
...
When the family got to their hiding place in the mountains at night, Ronnie didn't wake up.
...
She was taken to the nearest town where there was only one doctor, to her luck. Ronnie was awake then to tell the truth.
Tisha felt like the worst mother for not seeing this before.
And Alavar was never able to forgive himself. He had been the reason she didn't tell anybody about it. He had been the one that told her of how he was brave because he never backed out of a fight even when he was covered in blood, with broken bones and he had thought he would be killed. He had told Ronnie that was how to be brave. 
But he was wrong. 
And little Ronnie was right.
She was young then, and she had no idea of what she was going to lose, but she did know one thing.
That stormy day, when the famous great prince Alavar turned fugitive was going to get caught after ten years of evading king Tornel's guards, she did not lose her father.
...
"Oh, Uncle Frank," said John holding his stomach. "That was so funny I don't believe you,"
"Now, why would I lie to you?" said Frank rocking his chair in one leg.
"Because you're a troll." said Alavar as he passed by to seat at the end of the table.
Tisha was serving dinner and Ronnie was there helping her cook.
"Ronnie, help me out," said Frank to his niece.
"With what uncle Frank?" she said Ronnie giving him a piece of freshly baked bread.
"Tell your brother about the time your father tried to tame the brown stallion." said Frank serving himself another piece of chicken.
"About what?" asked Ronnie confused.
"Come on, Ronnie, you were there," said Frank whining.
"John, I think he did make that story up," said Ronnie laughing."Because I don't remember that we've ever had a brown stallion.-
"Of course we did." said Frank. "You used to feed him and brush him, and OW!"
Alavar had kicked him from under the table. 
Ronnie then knew he was telling the truth.
But she did too.
She didn't remember.
And day by day she forgot something else.
She feared that someday she would forget everything.
Her mother had told her every time she forgot the story of why she forgets.
And she doesn't regret it. Because even though she forgets old memories, she makes new ones everyday with her family all together in one place.
Without her father, those memories would be sad and full of sorrow.


AlondraTellez©


© 2015 Tomoe Tellez



Author's Note

Tomoe Tellez
This is the first draft. What do you think? How did it make you feel? Did the dialogue fit each character?

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Featured Review

This is a really good story. once I started reading I couldn't stop. I liked the ending because I got upset when I thought Ronnie had died. I literally shouted "No!" at my computer (I only do that when I'm really invested in a story).
I definitely would love to read more of this, and to get some information on the background of the characters, like why they were running etc.
I think this story definitely has the potential to be something longer.
well done!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you very much for your words. Right now my main focus is "The written forgotten", but sure, I .. read more



Reviews

well, I've got no problems with the dialogue, and anything else for that matter. i like the unexpected ending. 100 points :)

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for reading! :D
This is a really good story. once I started reading I couldn't stop. I liked the ending because I got upset when I thought Ronnie had died. I literally shouted "No!" at my computer (I only do that when I'm really invested in a story).
I definitely would love to read more of this, and to get some information on the background of the characters, like why they were running etc.
I think this story definitely has the potential to be something longer.
well done!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you very much for your words. Right now my main focus is "The written forgotten", but sure, I .. read more
Hello Alondra,

This was quite an entertaining read. It made me feel young again because it reads a bit like a fairytale. The dialogue was ok, although I had trouble guessing the age of Ronnie. Sometimes she seemed very young at other times mature. I liked the story in genera, but if I may be honest there were some aspects that I think need some work:

1) There seems to be some reason that the father can't go into the Kingdom, it is a returning theme throughout the story, but is never explained. In some cases using implicit elements is a good idea, but for a thing that defines such a great deal of this short story I do not think it is apropriate. It distracts me, I keep wondering what it is.

2)The peak of the tension for me was somewhere between Ronnie getting hit and the general entering the scene. At that time we are half way through the story and still have a lot to read that does not add to the development of the plot.

3) You have already mentioned that this is a first draft, so here are a few lines that I have picked to bring to your attention. These sentences like many others need some minor editing.

Ronnie remembered well that road from last week's trip and it wasn't so agitated. -> an agitated road?

hearing angry voices of various men. -> voices of angry man. lose 'various' it does not add anything

she climbed down to hide herself hearing the voices -> she climbed down to hide herself and heard the voices

but they had told her of worst situations -> ...worse.

when Tisha wasn't seeing. ->...looking.

he shouted in distressed running -> ...in distress, running..

little girl that was dress -> dressed

Hope it helps!

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much for reviewing! It feels good to receive a review, but it feels even better when so.. read more
Sesame

2 Years Ago

You are wekcome Alondra,

Good luck!
It is an emotionally packed story. It's good keep going

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for reading! :)
Sultrysoul

2 Years Ago

You're very welcome :)
I liked it a lot i .Poor frank i would die i somone told something didn't happened when it did .

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Yeah, he gets that a lot, in real life he has four brothers who tease him all the time. Thank you so.. read more
Nice ending to the story....thank you for sharing your talent.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you for reading!
ending was really good....you are a great writer....i love your work

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Oh, thanks! I love your work too.
I enjoyed this. I love the relationship between them and their parents, as well as the sense of intrigue. A good job.

If there is an improvement I could suggest, it would be to use quotation marks when characters are speaking. It feels a little confusing to me.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. And you're right, I will start using quotation marks, I just don't .. read more
David Jae

2 Years Ago

No worries. I look forward to seeing what you write in the future.
Hello Alondra,

Before I start I'd like to point out that all my comments are based on personal taste and opinion, so by all means - feel free to differ with any- or everything I'm gonna say or suggest. I'm not trying to hurt or discourage, I just try to give my honest view in hope that it might be helpful to you. Okay, with that out of the way… I see a few problems with this particular story. As to your question - how did it make me feel: very confused. And here's why:

*) Perspective - who's actually telling the story? From the beginning I assumed that we were experiencing it from Ronnie's POV, but there are situations where I really couldn't tell (e.g. would a little girl really refer to her parents by their first name?) . Of course it is possible to tell a story from multiple viewpoints, you can even use an omniscient perspective but honestly - I didn't get the feeling that that was what you had intended. Apologies if I am wrong, but this reminds me of an early draft, where some of the structural decisions either haven't been made or properly edited yet.

*) Plot - Who's doing what for what reason? Nobody's motives are clear. Why is the family running? Who are the bad guys and what do they want? Why do the guards come to aid? Who are they serving anyway, the prince's father? Didn't the father/prince flee to another kingdom? Sorry, this is just extremely confusing. I wouldn't mind so much, if you hadn't hinted at a deeper political back story with this whole prince/fugitive/king's escort thing that you never actually explained. I would have totally bought it if the family was just an average family, the bad guys were just robbers and the good guys were guards incidentally passing by. Why make it so much more complicated?

- Uncle Frank & Baby John. During the scene with the attackers they just seem to disappear. When you mention Frank several paragraphs later I was actually surprised. Oh right, I thought, totally forgot about those two. Which is odd, it just seems as if neither the parents nor the baddies care much about the baby. If you really have nothing for them to do during the scene my suggestion would be to write them out.

- How did Ronnie get hurt? I know when, but by what exactly? A brain injury that causes amnesia would have to affect an area called hippocampus and that is nowhere near the nape. So a blow to the back of her head wouldn't work. It might cause a short term amnesia, but not the effects you describe in the end. A projectile weapon might do that kind of damage, but the bad guys had swords. So sorry, but this doesn't make much sense. Call me a nitpicker (yeah, true - I am, especially regarding medical or technological issues ;-)) but this really took me out of the story.

*) Formatting - your text has hyphens instead of quotation marks. This could have accidentally happened when you copied the text, this website is known for that kind of strange behavior. Still - it's really distracting and IMHO you're doing neither yourself nor your story a favor if you leave it that way.

*) Grammar - yes, there were a few issues, not gonna point them out though because it's well past time to get to the good stuff!

Characterization was nicely done, even though you used very few descriptions I could easily picture each of your characters. The same is true for the scenery, so this was really well done. The end is nothing less than heartbreaking but since the girl doesn't despair it also offers a bit of consolation, I loved that!

So all in all I think this is a good story, but structure-wise it needs more work. Please rest assured that I wouldn't have taken the time to read and re-read it several times to find and specify the issues if I didn't think this story was worth it. You're a very talented writer, I've read your story "I'm just a cookie" and it was amazing!

Cheers,

Kali


Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Wow, I can't believe you actually took your time to review my work! And thank you so much for all yo.. read more
The story made me sad.
"Her mother had told her every time she forgot the story of why she forgets.
And she doesn't regret it. Because even though she forgets old memories, she makes new ones everyday with her family all together in one place.
Without her father, those memories would be sad and full of sorrow."
The above lines gave a proper finish to the story. Memories can lead us to sadness and regret. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote



Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Oh, thank you. I don't normally like writing something sad, but lately I've been sad so I write like.. read more
Coyote Poetry

2 Years Ago

Writing can be everything. I write about anything that had my attention. You did well with the tale.
Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you :D !

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Added on August 8, 2015
Last Updated on September 3, 2015
Tags: girl, tiny, brave, hero

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Tomoe Tellez
Tomoe Tellez

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I am a since I learned how to write. No kidding, my mother has home videos where I´m talking about the stories I use to write for my little brothers at the age of seven. I’ve always writt.. more..

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