Lets go visit Jose

Lets go visit Jose

A Story by Tomoe Tellez
"

Just a very short story of some little children who wanted to visit a friend they hadn't seen in a while.

"
This is what happened a year ago when I was a teacher’s assistant in a kindergarten.
It was a day of spring in March when Miss. Yunuen was teaching the children about the three modes of transportation. Everything was going well until...
"The third mode of transportation is air mode." said Miss.Yunuen pointing at a great poster, filled with colorful different vehicles that can fly. We had ten children present that day and they were quietly paying attention to her. She had talked to them about cars, trains, boats, and submarines, so they were all excited to hear more. And the boys couldn't wait to ask what was that great vertical vehicle that covered most of the poster.
"Miss. Yunuen is that a balloon?" asked little Marlene almost jumping off her seat to point at a round figure with a rainbow pattern in it.
I was at the back of the room sitting in a tiny chair, similar to those of the children.
"Yes, it is a hot air balloon." answered Miss.Yunuen with her sweet and caring voice, so full of delight at seeing the children's wonder. 
"Wow, people can really fly with a balloon like in that movie we saw the other day Miss. Yunuen?" asked Santiago Hernandez. There had been three boys in that classroom with the name Santiago, so I had to learn their second names to distinguish one from the others. Except that there were only two present that day.
"Yes Santiago, this is a very big balloon that is filled with hot air to make it fly." the teacher explained to the classroom.
"And this is an airplane." Miss.Yunuen went back to pointing at each one of the vehicles, but the children didn't interrupt her to ask more questions about them.
"And that is a space rocket, right Miss.Yunuen?" Raul blurted out loud when he couldn't wait anymore, stretching his hand out as far as he could to reach for the poster.
"That's right Raul, this is a space rocket." said the teacher pointing at the figure that looked like the submarine but had a sharp end at the top and smoke coming from the bottom. "People use this vehicle to go up into the sky and beyond."
"Could we go to heaven?" asked Bryan raising his hand.
"Why would you want to go to heaven Bryan?" said the teacher confused.
"Because my mother said that Jose went to heaven," said Bryan innocently, making the teachers and my smile straightened. "and that he can't come back, so if a space rocket can go to heaven, we could get one and visit him. "
"Yeah, we should go!" 
"That would be so cool."
"We could bring Jose back with us."
All of the children started talking at the same time, sharing their wishes to go as well.
"What do you think Alondra?" the teacher asked me when the children quite down."Could we go to heaven to visit Jose in a space rocket?"
The whole classroom turned to look at me. All innocent eyes expectantly waiting for my answer.
"Yes," I said out loud holding in the tears. "We should get a space rocket one of this days and go visit Jose."
All the children cheered happily, excited for the day they would see their friend again.
I still remember the last time I saw him with his broad smile bright as day, running from one end of the party to another. It had been a day of celebration, one of my many cousins birthday parties. 
Santiago Jose’s mother had taken him home early. 
She was drunk and one of her cousins too.
They had taken the motorcycle.
And little Jose wasn't wearing a helmet.
At midnight, all three crashed into the back of a truck.
Only two survived. 




© 2015 Tomoe Tellez



Author's Note

Tomoe Tellez
This is a first draft. What do you think? Any comments are welcomed.

My Review

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Featured Review

It brought a lump to my throat...good job.

You use a little too much exposition, perhaps, especially when explaining what happened to Jose. It might have been better to have the teacher talking to Alondra after class and explaining what happened.

Still, I haven't felt moved like this in a while.

Posted 2 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to work on that on my future writing. Thanks for reviewing.
David Jae

2 Years Ago

You're welcome.



Reviews

I thought that this was such a cute story and I thought that you did a great job writing how kids act and how they logic things. I think that you could have added a more adult conversation later between you and the teacher about what happened to Jose and how to explain death to the young students. Overall I thought that you did a good job

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

10 Months Ago

Thanks a lot for reading!
The reason I didn't write anything else is because I just wrote wha.. read more
Hello Alondra,

The story was interesting and a quick read. I will make two general suggestions and afterwards I'll point out a few typos.
1) Who is Alondra? I mean, what is her role in this story? Is she a student, a teacher? What is she doing in the back of a classroom if she isn't either one of those?
2) There are quite some details that are not relevant to the story and therefor ineffective, unless you can connect them

Typos/rephrase:

making the teachers and my smile straightened. -> straightening the teacher's smile and mine.

one of this days -> these

been a day of celebration, one of my many cousins birthday parties. -> a birthday party of one of my many cousins

Hope this helps!

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The two drunk people survived... i see you're quiet good with giving a good twist to your stories.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Well, thanks, but um... this is a real life story, not my idea. Thanks for reading.
Small things to keep the consistancy of time but I have to say this, THIS, is your very best work. Write like this, from your heart's head. I f*****g lost it when the end came. Eyes widened and gasped. I want to tell you this is where your writing should always go. The real places are the very best. I'm in love with this one.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you very much for your words, you're very nice! You're the first to say this, everyone says my.. read more
Joshua Carl Cruz

2 Years Ago

Yeah, everyone here is really nice but rarely free with criticism. I love fantasy like everyone els.. read more
Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Again thank you for your lovely words! :)
It's a lovely story and I've notice you've already got some excellent reviews.

I don't know why but I felt I was reading a part of a novel, or a longer story. You did such a wonderful job in making us feel the innocence of the children that I felt you don't need to say the word, 'innocent' too many times. "Because my mother said that Jose went to heaven," said Bryan innocently. I do however like your style and will read more of your stories.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

I have been trying to fix the errors that have been mentioned in previous reviews. Thanks a lot for .. read more
Mili

2 Years Ago

most welcome :)
I liked it. It was not tightly written, but the parts are in place for an excellent short story. I think the writer ignored opportunities to tie things logically together. The beginning is a conversation about travel, the ending is conversation about death by travel, in this case a motorcycle accident. Perhaps the drunken driving and the lack of a helmet are not necessary, perhaps they are only there to build a pathos that may not be needed. The children miss their friend who traveled to heaven on a motorcycle. The children don't need to have someone or something to blame. The children need to find a solution for grief - a rocket ship to heaven.

The Santiago reference, as written, does not advance the story. In a short story every word has meaning. What does Santiago mean? I suggest that multiple Santiagos become a part of the story or be omitted.

The birthday party and the many cousins reference implies familial relationship, is there one? If so the pathos Alondra feels changes somewhat.

Why is Kevin smiling? I want to be told why or not be informed at all.

Posted 2 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for the advice and for taking your time in reviewing!
I fixed some of those err.. read more
Delmar Cooper

2 Years Ago

I was afraid it might not be fiction. Fiction is better; the truth is unbelievable.
So sad....and also darling that they thought they could fly to him. Nicely inked.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thanks for reading!
First, very touching story. Great first draft. The end comes a bit abruptly, and I think you miss the opportunity to use foreshadowing with the missing Santiago. The narrator could express unease, or worry over another missing face.This is an idea, not a criticism, children's artwork is a great chance to use imagery, something you might use. I think if you flesh out this draft with some imagery and dialogue you could make something really great.

Posted 2 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Oh my gosh! You're right, a totally forgot that part! I'll fix that as soon as I can. Thank you for .. read more
A very moving story and the last line is great. I agree with other reviewers that a bit of restructuring might make it even better, but it sure got the emotion across and that is after all the main purpose. So very well done!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much! It feels so great to have so many encourage me to make my writing better, and all.. read more
Other than a few grammar errors here and there (I think you're missing the word class at the end of the first sentence.) And the dialogue between the teacher and the classmates being dragged out, it's pretty good. That last line really made me freeze up, ohoho so suspenseful~!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

2 Years Ago

Yeah, this was just to get the feeling out of me, I wrote it in a rush :). I will work on it, just t.. read more

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13 Reviews
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Added on August 15, 2015
Last Updated on August 25, 2015
Tags: sad, death, children

Author

Tomoe Tellez
Tomoe Tellez

About
I am a since I learned how to write. No kidding, my mother has home videos where I´m talking about the stories I use to write for my little brothers at the age of seven. I’ve always writt.. more..

Writing

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