The silent warning

The silent warning

A Story by Tomoe Tellez
"

What happens when warnings are ignored by those who need them?

"
In the middle of what seemed like neither the sky or earth, there was nothing else but a white floor and a wall stretching into infinity both ways, made of thick clear crystal. On one side a warrior and on the other, a source of infinite power.

Suddenly a demon appears in front of the warrior. It is ten times bigger than the warrior. Its body black like a shadow, with the form of a dragon and golden spikes, thin like long hairs on its head. 

Human red eyes glared back at the warrior who drew a sword and pointed it at the demon saying, "I shall not let you through!"

But the demon didn't listen and attacked the warrior who fought back valiantly. With its great claws, the demon struck at all the parts the warrior couldn't protect with just one sword and no armor. Nor did the demon hear the continuing pleas of the warrior through the clash of its claws and the sword. 

And though the warrior kept standing back up after each blow and fought with all its might and all its strength, the demon won after tearing the warrior apart into pieces.

Stepping over the agonizing body the demon placed its talons upon de crystal wall. It started to shake like it was a piece of paper, making sounds of terrible shrieks that echoed through the infinite plane as if the wall could feel pain. 

"No, please no," the fallen warrior lamented. Somehow the warrior was feeling what the demon was doing as if being inside the demon's body.
When the noises fell silent the demon made it through, resembling a ghost passing to the other side. Stretching its arm he reached out and touched the glowing sphere, the infinite power, absorbing it in its own body. 

"Ha, ha, ha," the demon laughed turning back towards the crystal wall. "Finally, I am the most powerful being in existence." 

Yet when it  looked at the warrior's eyes the demon was shocked to see... pity. 

"What, ... why are you looking at me like that?"

Now the warrior kept repeating in between long fatigue intakes of breath, "I'm sorry... so sorry... I am so sorry..."

"What do you mean, you worthless piece of...?" the demon strolled back towards the warrior but it crashed into the crystal wall. 

"What is this?" the demon hit the wall with both talons. "Why can't I get through? I am the most powerful of all!"

"That's the... problem", the warrior coughed out blood. "Everyone that gets through... can't come back. You might be... the most powerful... but not enough... to get through the wall. "

Howls reached the demon's ears. Whipping its head back to the other side of the infinite plane the demon saw thousands of other demons running towards it. They were hungry. Being on the other side of the wall they had nothing to eat. 

"Wait, no!" the demon bellowed. However, the horde of wild demons, with black holes for eyes, were already behind him and they began to devour the demon like savage wolves.

"I tried... to... warn you," the warrior cried. Tears rolled down the warriors trembling face, feeling the demons torturous pain as it was being eaten.

When the wild demons had left nothing of the other, a glowing sphere appeared and rose up to where the infinite power  it used to be. The wild demons were unaware of the infinite power that was right there in their state, so they ignored its existence and headed back to the place where they had sprung from, with a new addition. 

The warrior stood up from the reflection-less floor holding the sword, now with no physical wounds. The warrior once again took a guarding pose hoping a day would come in which  at least one of the many demons that tried to get to the power could hear the silent warning.

© 2017 Tomoe Tellez



Author's Note

Tomoe Tellez
Hello everybody, it sure has been a long time since I've uploaded anything here.
I tried to not give the warrior a gender so both women and men can identify with the warrior.
I would love to know what were your thoughts as you read this and after or how it made you feel.

My Review

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Featured Review

i didn't read any one else's review so this might have been said before but it seems to me that the idea that you have is big and it seems to be quite complex. however the words that you use and your lack of details hurt that big idea. there needs to be a more precise way of seeing what is happening and I think you could work on that. on a positive note I love that the demon ended up getting what he wanted and not being powerful enough to escape and most likely cause problems. I love the message that the story conveys.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I enjoyed your story. I particularly like how the warrior could feel the demon's pain and wept tears for it. And clever ending, not being able to get through the crystal wall. Good job.

Posted 8 Months Ago


A fine piece of story telling Miss T. N. I can clearly see this into a graphic novel. The Knight reminded me of 'Dunk' the main character in the the Novel 'The Hedge Knight' by G.R.R. Martin. If you would like to venture more upon this genre, i would highly recommend it for future inspirations and ideas. I can see this as a introduction to a fine tale of a story perhaps someday ;) Nicely done and very cool my friend, EG.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

10 Months Ago

Thank you so much for the review! :) And for the advice too.
wow. This has a great twist in it. I feel as though the first half was a bit of word vomit (my term for writing too quickly) there is a lot going on that was somewhat hard to focus on. The twist though . . . wow. it's like from the point of the demon winning you were able to collect your thoughts much better. overall this was a pretty good story.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

10 Months Ago

I am glad you liked the twist! I already promised I'd edit it, but I haven't done it yet. I kind of .. read more
i didn't read any one else's review so this might have been said before but it seems to me that the idea that you have is big and it seems to be quite complex. however the words that you use and your lack of details hurt that big idea. there needs to be a more precise way of seeing what is happening and I think you could work on that. on a positive note I love that the demon ended up getting what he wanted and not being powerful enough to escape and most likely cause problems. I love the message that the story conveys.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I especially like the big picture idea you present. It's a very interesting idea, I think you could explore it further and deeper...I like it. Anyway, some of it is a bit hard to follow, but perhaps that's just me. I did understand mainly what was going on, and I like the idea of it. I think you should work with this, and improve it, and maybe extend it too.

This made me feel nostalgic, idk why, with the warrior, just because so many stories are about great warriors and protecting their lands from the enemy...so I thought you did a great job. It's classic good vs evil. It reminded me of Gandalf, I think, in Lord of the Rings. "You Shall Not Pass!"

Thanks for sharing.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

11 Months Ago

Thanks a lot for reading it! :) I know it is a little messed up, I will try to edit this soon, I'll .. read more
Of Stars and Whales and Sam Bova

11 Months Ago

ok! let me know
This has all my suggested edits

In the middle of what seems to be neither earth nor sky, the world is nothing but a floor as white as empty light (I’m not sure what white as empty light means) and a clear crystal wall stretching infinitely both ways. On one side stands a warrior, and on the other, a source of infinite power.

Suddenly a demon appears in front of the warrior. It is ten times bigger than the warrior. Its body black like a shadow, with the form of a dragon and golden spikes, resembling long thin hairs, on its head.

Red human eyes glare at the warrior who draws a sword and points it at the demon saying, "I shall not let you through!"

But the demon doesn’t listen and attacks the warrior, who was one sword and no armor, but still fights back valiantly. With its great claws the demon strikes, hitting every weak spot the warrior has. The demon can’t hear the pleas and warning coming from the warrior, as they are drowned out by the clash of claws and sword.

And though the warrior keeps standing back up after each blow, fighting every last bit of might and strength, the demon wins, tearing the warrior to pieces.

Stepping over the agonizing body, the demon places its talons upon the crystal wall. It starts to shake as though it’s a piece of paper, making terrible shrieking noises that echo through the infinite plane as though the wall is in pain.

"No, please no," the fallen warrior laments. Somehow the warrior feels what the demon is doing; as though from inside the demon's body.
When the noises fall silent the demon makes it through, resembling a ghost as he passes to the other side. Stretching it’s arm out, it reaches out and touches the glowing sphere, the infinite power, absorbing it into its own body.

"Ha, ha, ha," the demon laughs turning back towards the crystal wall. "Finally, I am the most powerful being in existence."

Yet when it looks into the warrior's eyes the demon is shocked to see... pity.

"What, ... why are you looking at me like that?"

The warrior keeps repeating, between long fatigue intakes of breath, "I'm sorry... so sorry... I am so sorry..."

"What do you mean, you worthless piece of...?" the demon strolls back towards the warrior but crashes into the crystal wall.

"What is this?" the demon hits the wall with both talons. "Why can't I get through? I am the most powerful of all!"

"That's the... problem", the warrior coughs out blood. "Everyone that gets through... can't come back. You might be... the most powerful... but not enough... to get back through the wall. "

Howls reach the demon's ears. Whipping its head back to the other side of the infinite plane, the demon sees thousands of other demons running towards it. They’re hungry. Being on the other side of the wall, they had nothing to eat.

"Wait, no!" the demon bellows. However, the horde of wild demons, with black holes for eyes, are already behind it and they begin to devour it like savage wolves.

"I tried... to... warn you," the warrior cries. Tears roll down the warriors trembling face, feeling the demon’s torturous pain as it is being eaten.

When the wild demons have left nothing of the other, a glowing sphere appears and rises up to where the infinite power used to be. The wild demons are unaware of the infinite power, right there in their state, so they ignore its existence and head back to the place they came from, with a new addition.

The warrior stands up from the reflection-less floor holding the sword, now with no physical wounds. The warrior once again takes a defensive position, hoping a day will when the demon will hear the silent warning.


Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

11 Months Ago

Wow, thanks for taking the time to do this. It really helped clear things up. Some writers keep givi.. read more
The concept of the story is interesting but the writing is a little messy which makes it difficult to follow, and therefore the story doesn't have as strong an affect as it could.
For example you keep switching tenses, and its very confusing. You need to decide whether the story is in past or present tense. I'm not sure if you're looking for help with grammar/technique so I won't add any more comments on that but if you're interested just let me know and I'll give you my tips.
I do have one comment on the content. Is the warning referring to when the warrior says that he won't let the demon through? It just doesn't seem like much of a warning. I think I'd make the statement a little more clear.


Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Tomoe Tellez

11 Months Ago

Yep, I have a lot of trouble with keeping up tenses the same. I don't know if you read my profile bu.. read more
Tomoe Tellez

11 Months Ago

Oh, and to answer your question, I wrote the only phrase the demon heard, the warrior does continue .. read more
Bella

11 Months Ago

Okay, so as soon as I get around to it I'll do a more thorough review. As for the warnings, I think .. read more

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Added on December 14, 2016
Last Updated on January 1, 2017
Tags: demons, power, warrior, warning

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Tomoe Tellez
Tomoe Tellez

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I am a since I learned how to write. No kidding, my mother has home videos where I´m talking about the stories I use to write for my little brothers at the age of seven. I’ve always writt.. more..

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