The Boy,The Dragon,And The Thunderous Mountain

For childrens book of poems

I saw a mountain sleep.

I even heard it snore.

I tried to creep upto his peak.

He woke up with a roar.

Who dares to climb my rocky cliffs?

Balanced on my ledges.

Don't you know I'm dangerous?

You could fall between my crevice.

The crevices decend to caves.

A dragon lives down there.

A boy your age must be quite brave

to enter the dragon's lair.

If your thoughts shall be of looting

the dragon's bounty of gold.

Dragon's breath hath sealed the death

of many men so bold.

I feel it right to warn you boy.

These riches you desire,

will lead you to a limestone tomb

where you'll be washed in dragon's fire.

 

I did not scale your treacherous face

in search of material treasure.

It's the beauty of this remarkable place

which fills me with such pleasure.

You may not know in this mountain range

you are practically a star.

A natural wonder,you never change.

You are a landmark seen near and far.

As for your magnificent pet

Kept in a cave engraved with jewels.

He need not fear me. 

 I am no thief,

 like those other greedy fools.

You are safe my mountainous friend

to return to your peaceful slumber.

Where your dreams are as wild as the dragon within,

and your snores are as loud as thunder.

So the boy, the dragon,

and the thunderous mountain

all dreamt of life together.

One guarding treasure,

one seeking pleasure,

and one standing strong forever.

 

Reviews

[Weaver]

"upto" - "up to"
"You could fall between my crevice." - The meter falters here, and one cannot fall between a crevice - it's a single thing. Try changing this line to "You'd fall into my crevice" instead.
"The crevices decend to caves" - "descends" - Again, there's something off about the meter - maybe "The crevice descends into deep caves"?
"to enter the dragons lair" - "dragon's"
"the dragons bounty of gold" - "dragon's"
comma, not period, after "gold"
"Dragons breath" - "Dragon's"
"right to warn you boy" - comma after "you"
"washed in dragons fire" - dragon's"
"trechurous" - "treacherous"
"You may not know that in this mountain range" - The meter be better if you delete "mountain"
"pratically" - "practically"
add a space after the comma at "natural wonder"
extra space in "far"
comma after "You are safe"
"Where your dreams are as wild as the dragon within" - delete "as" before "wild" (meter)
The meter throughout this poem has the steady beat of an old epic tale - but this is short enough to read in one sitting.

[Becky C Strukamp]

This is an amazing write. I loved it!

[LunarSong]

Wow, I love the feel of this. Nice.

[Quinn Blackburn]

Wonderful storytelling! Charming and sure to captivate young imagination :o)

[Arizona Sky]

Wow! i really liked this! Fascinating piece and wonderful imagry! Great plot too! Should become a classic or something! You need to get this published if its not because I'm in love with it and more people need to read this.

[Pickleby Davies]

Wow this is amazing! I love the last three lines the most
"One guarding treasure
One seeking pleasure
And one standing strong forever"
Really fantastic idea, and told really really well!

[Baz]

Excellent! Really great poem. The personality of the boy and, indeed, the mountain really come through. I particularly like:

I feel it right to warn you boy,
These riches you desire,
will lead you to a limestone tomb
where you'll be washed in dragons fire.

"Limestone tomb". Great image.