I'm gonna die a virgin...TRUE STORY.

The relationships I have had, do not work out.

A few days ago I had prepared myself for the night of my life. I scrubbed myself. Dressed for speed - no underwear and avoided fiddly buckles, belts and bottoms. I had nothing to lose. I am 24 for crying out loud. This should be and is the time where my sexual drive is at its prime. At least that's what I think. I was so ready to explore and celebrate my sexuality. But I always get into the habit of 'chickening' out whenever I found myself in a 'getting jiggy' scenario.

Believe it or not, I think I am one of those men who don't want sex or just afraid to have it. It's official, I might die a virgin. Which is not such a bad thing, right? Let's face it; friendships and companionships are likely to last a hell lot longer than a relationship based mainly on screwing. That's as far as I am concerned. It took me a few relationships for me to realize that. Whenever I was in a relationship with someone, there were a few occasions when I felt like having sex with them, because I thought I was expected to. Don't ask. Well, some refused. It left me totally confused.

I am no cover model, but I couldn't help but wonder if there was something wrong with me. Wasn't I sexy enough for them? I think telling them I was a virgin was like saying, ‘I have syphilis. I hope you don't mind'. Don't get me wrong, I did stuff with them, but thank God I've never had to force myself to sleep with them. That would have been a huge mistake. I would have probably regretted it because I am so sure that none of them would have given me the time of my life (If you know what I mean). Well some anyway. But looking back, there were some I wouldn't have normally slept with. I now know that my sexual activities back then were an easy way of not being and feeling alone. Gosh, I'm sounding like a common and cheap w***e. I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that. I just felt cheap and degraded afterwards.

If only I knew what I knew today. I was probably compensating for something. Doing what I did as a substitute for genuine intimacy or perceived emptiness in my life. You all understand that we can sometimes mistake being naked physically with being naked emotionally. I always felt guilty. Made me question my self-esteem and confidence.

But with Jane it's so different. I was ready to give myself to her last night. We were having dinner at her place and when she told me I could stay the night I just assumed this was it. After the bread-basil-tomato and cucumber soup, we chatted for a while. She once asked me if I believed in killing animals for clothes and I didn't know what to say. But that's another story. Anyway, while we were having dessert (vanilla choc nut), I told her I wanted her so badly. Ha ha. I thought she would have jumped at the chance to have some good clean fun with me...a Royal Prince. We spoke about what I had just said for what seems like forever and she made me realize that I wasn't ready to take our relationship to the next level. I was only interested in getting jiggy with her for all the wrong reasons. For the first time everything was so clear. I don't know if she tricked me into not having sex with her or if she didn't want to have sex with me, but what she said, made sense.

After we spoke about us having sex, we realized we were both not ready. We didn't want to complicate our relationship by having sex with each other. Joane is different from all the girls I have been with. There's trust, emotional sharing, commitment and stability. If this had happened a few girls ago, I would have probably thought there was something wrong with me.

But not anymore. I know sexuality and sensuality can be wonderful means of human expressions, but with him I don't need to express myself in that manner. Sleeping with someone needs to be entered into with awareness. With clear intent and a sense of being accountable for one's actions. I asked myself what I want to get out of the experience. Was it going to benefit me or whether I'll be able to live with myself afterwards? With Jane I see things differently. It's like whenever I am with her...I feel so grown up and in control of myself. I am glad we had that conversation last night. Now we both know where we stand.

Anyway, the process of having sex, according to some, isn't as simple as placing an order. Well, for years I thought f**k is just f**k. Because most men, if not all, find this prerequisite of tease and play a filtering process. Unless they are smart and witty. Don't get me wrong, I love having fun in the bedroom. I can have fun without having intercourse. Some people find it so hard to believe.

I enjoy the excitement of foreplay more than intercourse. I love cuddling and pillow talk. That's just as exciting to me as people who enjoy having sex. The intimate act of sex will be with someone I am completely involved with. Now, I'd like to feel more secure and stable with Jane to ruin our friendship. Intimate and adoring sex for us both is about a meeting of minds as well as bodies. We will both know when the time is right. Because it will drive us wild and provide us with the vital mind-body connection we both want to get us really turned on. Sex is all about beauty and closeness...I think.

Right now we are settling for sensual sex. I am only going to have sex for the right reasons and now there aren't so many of them. Hey, I heard sex can or may make you feel sexy, attractive and desirable. But I think it won't make you feel special or loved if you doing it for all the wrong reasons. Well, to some it does. So until I am ready to do it, I think I'll enjoy whatever I've been doing so far. Pleasure is such a complex thing. I don't need to sleep with someone to get it. Just for them being there is good enough for me as any other forms. Later!!!