O Cherished One

 

I guide you now,

I wipe your tears,

O cherished one,

I quench your fears.

 

I shield your body,

I guard your soul,

I hold you down,

You I console.

 

Though I save you,

Push me away,

Still I won't go,

With you I stay.

 

Will you trust me?

But now you ask all,

"How can I believe that,

To stand I must fall."

 

Life draws to an end;

Were you a hater?

Were you a lover?

Or instigator?

 

But you were mine,

When life was done,

You belonged to me,

O Cherished one.

Author's Note

I know it needs some work any help would be great cause i'm now sure exactly how to help it.

Reviews

[Andrew (not Andy, A.J. ..]

Very interesting, Greg.
I just had one problem with it;
You used two comma's seemingly in the wrong places ;) right here: "And, you I console." and right here "But, you were mine," or, if not in the wrong places, they are unnecessary.
Other than that nice write! Thanks for the request.
Sincerity and Regards and All Due Respect and All That Stuff,
--Andrew

[Cassandra D.]

Written nicely and understood by myself and other readers.
I thought this poem was actually very nice.

[LostInThought ♥]

Very very nice! I'm not sure that I love the rhyming in this... usually I am a sucker for people that can pull of a good rhyme sceme in a poem but in this it just seems out of place... aside from that I love the emotion in this!

Would you mind reviewing mine? I would a appreciate it! Anyway good job! :)

[Kayla_May]

its really great =] i like it =D

[KisuKimmi]

I like it ^.^

[Scott Free]

This one isn't my favorite of yours but i think the idea behind it is good.
I only have a problem with two lines. When a rhyme feels forced it ruins the poem for me. This line seemed forced;
You I console.
it seems like you're working to get a rhyme in there. I'd suggest a little rewriting.
However, I really liked the idea behind this. And I like the line 'how can I believe that | to stand I must fall.' That was great. Liked it.
Keep writing, and sorry I took so long to get to this,

~Scott

[Mark]

Meter's okay, but breaks down in the fifth st., from a smooth a-b-c-b, to a-b-c-c. Try a semicolon instead of a comma after L.1, then reverse lines 2&3, and change "An" to "Or" in L.4:
Life draws to an end;
Were you a hater?
Were you a lover,
Or instigator?

Also "guard" is misspelled.
As to content, I like the idea of a devoted protective lover, but the lines, "I hold you down", and, "You belonged to me" rather trouble me: is he trying to say that she was his responsibility, or that the weight of his duty on her behalf was holding her back from whatever her goals were?

[Shanna (Renae)]

Wow, I really like this one. The rhythm needs a little more work but other than that (and the fact that you spelled "believe" wrong) . . .

Good job!

[Suki]

This was REALLY good. I wan't to say it was actually amazing. I like it because I can relate to it. And this is my favorite part:

"Though I save you,

You push me away,

But still I won't go,

Next to you I stay."

Because I've been through it so many times, it sounds so familiar. I also like how it flows so well. Very nice write!!


-Sulen-