Ai's Letter

A letter from a Japanese girl.

    "Tadaima," I announced as I arrived home from my exhausting part-time job. I was wearied and wanted to go straight to bed when I heard my parents arguing. 

    Dad had just lost his job. My mum asked him for reasons but he refused to tell, saying it was none of her business. I was too tired to continue listening, and I had lost my appetite so, I went straight to bed.

    The next day when I arrived at school and was parking my bike, I noticed that everybody was staring at me, whispering to each other. I wonder what could the bullies have done again this time. 

    I remembered the first day they turned their eyes on me. They did a number of unforgivable things. I hate them. I despise them. I wish they could burn in hell! But there was no way for me to fight back. I am weak. The strong destroy the weak.

    Why weren't humans created equal? Why do I need to be weak? Life is unfair!

    I went inside and when I saw my locker, I was taken aback. Written on it was: 

Your father has lost his job because he's an adulterer! Poor b***h! Haha!

    "What?!" I said in disbelief. That was all I could say. They all laughed at me. They were laughing as if I deserved it. 

    I felt very low that day. I tried to focus on my class but my mind would drift to what was written on my locker.

    When I arrived home that afternoon, I felt something was amiss.

    "I'm home," I announced. 

    The house was silent. So silent, it almost deafened me. I went to my room to change and when I was about to go down to eat, my mum met me at the door.

    "We need to talk," she said. Her tone was enough to tell me that something was wrong.

    We sat down. I was silent. I looked at my mother's face, and I could not paint her expression. After a long silence, she said, 

    "Your father has left us," she said and could not look at me. 

    After a pause, she continued, "He went with another woman." Tears fell from her eyes as she was saying this. 

    I sat there, stiff as a tree, not knowing what to say. I could not believe what I have just heard.

Why? I asked myself. 

    I stared blankly at my mother whose face was all wet with tears. Then I realised something was streaming down my cheeks.

    Weeks passed, my mother fell ill. I had to take care of her. I had to take care of everything myself. I also had to deal with the monsters at school who were sent into this world to destroy people's lives. I cannot call them humans. I call them monsters!

    "Perhaps your old lady is too old for your old man?" asked the monster named Chika. 

    The question struck me. Blood rose to my head. My hand stiffened. I was about to slap her but she slapped me first. She slapped me so hard I fell down.

    "Don't you ever dare, b***h," she said, looking down at me. 

    I was on the floor, humiliated. I was down on the floor, helplessly crying while they left, laughing and seemed amused of what they have just done. 

    The slap hurts but what hurt the most, is the fact that I could not fight back. I hate them. But I hate myself more.

    My mother's health condition had worsened. I suggested her to go to the hospital but she refused. I could not force her. And I was too tired of forcing her. I was too tired of everything. 

  

    My parents named me Ai. They thought perhaps it sounded beautiful. That was all they thought of. They never bothered to check what kanji they have used. They used the kanji for "sorrow" and not the kanji for "love". Perhaps, they had foreseen what my life was going be. A sorrowful one. Damn. They named me right.

    One Saturday, I was on a holiday. I was glad that I was able to rest a bit - I did not have to go to work and I did not have any homework to finish; my mother was in a calm state.

    I was reading Othello when I received an SMS from an unknown number. It read:

Hello, Ai-chan. I hope you're doing fine. Give my regards to your mother.

    I was baffled. Who could have sent me a message? How did this person know me and about my mother? Another message came in from the same number:

Hi. I'm sorry I did not introduce myself. This is Yu Yamada. 

    Yu? I wondered. The name sounds familiar, I thought. I did not reply. I waited for another message but nothing came.

    Monday came. Time to go back. Back to that cruel place full of cruel monsters. I was walking down the corridor when I heard somebody call my name.

    "Ai-chan!" said the voice I did not recognise. 

    I turned round to see who it was. It was a tall and handsome guy, waving his hand with a smile.

    "Ai-chan. It's me, Yu. Did you receive my message?" he said while walking towards my direction. 

    I could feel eyes darting on me. I felt them like knives trying to pierce into my body.

    "Yu?" I asked. 

    I recognised him. He was one of the basketball players at my school. That was all I knew about him since I do not interest myself in any club activities or whatsoever.

    "Yes, it's me," he replied. "How are you doing? How is your mother doing?" he asked. He looked concerned.

    I said, "She's doing fine. I don't know how you know about me."

    "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I creep you out?" he apologetically replied. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted to get to know you more," he regretfully said.

    "No. I...it's really okay," I answered nervously.

    I have never been approached by somebody as gentle as him since I got into this school. I thought he was a nice person, so I did not spoil our first meeting. I opened my walls to him. 

    We spent lunch together that day. He talked a lot; he made laugh. I thought nobody would ever make me laugh; I thought I would never experience happiness. When it was time to go home, he asked me to go out for dinner.

    "I'm sorry. I needed to go to my part-time job," I apologetically said.

    "Oh, it's okay. No problem." He smiled as if he had done a mistake. “Take care,” he added.

    When I arrived home, I kept thinking about him. "Yu," I muttered to myself. I felt my cheeks blushed.

    For weeks, Yu and I spent times together. Sometimes, I spend my day offs with him. He took me to many places. He even took me to Disneyland - a place where every Japanese girl dreamed of going.

    I had forgotten how lonely I was. I had forgotten every misfortune that came into my life. Yu was my saviour. He saved me from my sorrowful, petty life.

Could there anything be more delightful than this? I asked myself.

    "Ai-chan," Yu gently asked, looking straight at me. I noticed he had a beautiful pair of eyes. They were sparkling like the lights in the park. No. Like the stars in the night.

    "Ai-chan," he repeated.

    "Yes?"

    "Can I be your boyfriend?"

    The question struck me like thunder. "What?" I stupidly asked.

    He repeated each syllable slowly, "Can I be your boyfriend?"

    After a long silence, I involuntarily opened my mouth and said,

"Yes".

    I saw sparkles in Yu's eyes. I could see that my response had given him so much joy. I never thought somebody would be that glad after hearing my response. I am just a nobody. But his reaction made me feel I was important. I felt very important that night.

    "Thank you, Ai-chan," he said.

I guess everything's not that bad at all, I said to myself.

    Bullies and jealous girls were doing their usual jobs. My mother's condition got worse. But amidst all these struggles, Yu helped me through them all. He gave me the strength to face all of them; he saved me.

    One evening, Yu asked something from me. A thing I could never forget. Not even now.

    "Ai-chan. Let's go to a hotel," he said.

    His face looked like a child begging his parents for something. I understood what he meant. I was not sure if I was ready to do that thing. But who am I to refuse him? He saved me. He helped me get back on my feet. So how could I turn down his request?

    I felt uncomfortable when we entered the hotel room. I thought something was wrong. I thought something was not supposed to be there. But I thought it was just me, nervous. I tried not to show him that. I wanted to show Yu that I was confident; that I was ready to give him what he wanted. I wanted him to enjoy my little gift.

He's my boyfriend, anyway, I thought.

    That night, I gave him all. I gave him everything I am. I gave him everything I was. Everything that I could. I gave all to satisfy Yu.

    The next morning, I felt like I was born again. The sun was just rising when I went out from the house. I drove with my bicycle. I decided to make a turn before I go to school to look at the fields. 

    I felt the cold wind on my face while I was driving. When I arrived at the fields, I could see the beautiful sun, slowly rising, giving life and hope to every creature it touches. I felt its rays warming up my face. 

    For the first time in my life, I was grateful I was alive. Heaven smiled on me at last. I was so grateful of what seemed to be a turning event of my life, so I decided to pay my respect at the shrine.

    I did not receive any message from Yu that morning. He used to greet me every day. But I did not mind. I was going to see him at school, anyway.

    While I was parking my bicycle, I noticed all eyes were on me. I ignored them. They were always like that. But that time, I felt it was quite different. Still, I proceeded to enter the door. 

    The moment I stepped into the corridor, I was very surprised. Everyone was all eyes on me. Everyone was clapping their hands, cheering and shouting my name - in a scornful manner.

    "Hey, you played well!" shouted one of them.

    "What?" I asked, confused.

    "I didn’t know you were a still a virgin. Well, you’re lucky enough you did it with Yu," another one of them said.

WHAT?! How did they know?!

   Then one of them showed me his phone. "Hey, I saw this video on the internet. Looks familiar, don't you think?"

    I recognised immediately who those people are and what they were doing. I was stunned. There was somebody inside that room the night I gave myself to Yu and recorded everything we did.

    I felt shame in front of everybody.

    "You really did enjoy yourself, huh? What a b***h," Chika disdainfully said. People were laughing and cheering, "B***h!"

    "B***h!" was all I could hear. I could still hear their voices even now, shouting at me.

    I stood there not knowing what to do. I did not know what to say. Then tears streamed down my face.

    Suddenly, Yu appeared. I felt a bit of relief.

    "Yu," I called on him.

    He smiled - a sneering smile. He did not need to speak. I knew what was about to come.

    "Did you enjoy it?" He asked with a taunting smile. "I hated every moment of it. Yuck!" He looked disgusted while saying those words.

    I was surprised.

    This isn't happening. This is just a dream, I thought. But no. Everything was real.

    They all started walking away from me when Yu announced, "Hey." I thought he called me. "I need my refund and my prize. It's not easy, y’know," he said to the guy beside him. They laughed, not looking back at me.

    With a crushed heart, I ran away. I ran away from those monsters. I wanted to run away as far as I could. Taking my bike, I drove on the street. I did not know where I was going. It did not matter where I was going. I just wanted to be away from everybody!

    Rain fell hard, filling up my tears. Earlier that morning heaven smiled on me. It made me believe that everything was going to be fine; that everything was getting better for me. Guess I had too much faith. Nice way to destroy a person’s trust!

    The road was unclear, I barely could see where I was going. I did not care where I was going, anyway. I really wished I got hit by a truck, crushed beneath its wheels.

    But heaven was not done toying with me yet. Heaven had led me here to this mountain. But heaven is not going to have its way anymore. I am going to have it my way!

TRANSLATOR'S NOTE:

On 22 April, two days after Ai ran away from school, authorities found her body floating around the Goi Dam in Toyama Prefecture. Police found her belongings at Kanayama Mountain, 4 kilometres away from the dam. Authorities suggested that Ai spent the night on the mountain and the next day, drove to the dam after writing her letter.

Soon after the body was identified, authorities immediately tried to get in touch with her mother but were surprised to find the latter hanged inside their home. Police did not find any foul play to the incident. The reason was unclear but according to the neighbourhood, it was perhaps due to her illness. Ai's father did not give any comment on the matter. 

Yu Yamada and his friends were investigated but were later found innocent due to lack of evidence.

The author would like to express his gratitude to his Japanese friends who have helped in making this possible. First of all, to Mr Kasai, who obtained a copy of Ai's letter and helped on translating and proofreading the letter. Secondly, to Dr Goto, a resident doctor of Toyama Prefecture, who gave insights as to the status of the people involved. And last but not least, to Mr Abukawa, who has always been supportive ever since.

Reviews

[Franky]

Wow. This is terribly sad. A little depressing. I hope this is only fiction for you? There is nothing worse than this type of intense harassment and bullying. I read this ravenously though.

[Uranus]

Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad you were depressed and saddened by my story since that was the feeling I wanted everybody to feel while reading it. :)