Gedankenversuch

A Story by Urquhart

A small group of University students discuss a provocative thought experiment

Gedankenversuch

Five men sit around a round table. The first has brown hair propped up by a gelatinous foundation at random intervals. His jacket is faux-leather and he wears it despite the mild heat, along with a light scarf draped around his neck like a w***e around a high-roller at a craps table. But would invite such a comparison, well, you know him better than I; or someone indistinguishable. He is a philosophy major.

He sits back from the conversation of the others, drinking from a frothy mug of unidentifiable contents brewed on the premises. Like a child waiting for dinner who’s only recently learned manners, and is quickly discovering how dull they are, he awaits a trough in the discussion. At last! Here it is, a nice natural lull he can slip himself into. And here he goes now, leaning forward, adjusting his glasses and clearing his throat. “Gentleman,” He starts, and pauses in a manner characteristic of his speech. When you first meet him you are taken by the pauses, to your mind they serve to emphasize the undoubtedly critical point he is about to make. Oh, too quickly you are disillusioned; they are part of his natural rhythm, and serve only to taunt and abuse the common comma. “Let us say, hypothetically, that each of you, had access to an isolated facility, an island perhaps, an island that can be designed and continuously controlled to your precise specifications; anything goes, your wish is its command.” When he spoke his voice would grow faster, stronger, more eager, until it ran up against a pause, when it was forced to begin again. “And on this island, you have been given, you may place one thousand newborns, taken at random, from the population at large. So, with your totally tractable facility and your, equally uncorrupted sample, what would you do?” The second man was tall, broad with jet black hair, a noble chin and three-quarters of a Psych degree. He seemed confused, and allowed the question to pass him by, contenting himself with a cigarette. The third gave no indication he heard a thing, he was at the bar behind the table, refilling his drink.

The fourth appeared just as confused as the second had, but less likely to let it give him pause. “That is an absolutely ridiculous question. What the hell are we supposed to do with that?”

Unperturbed the would-be Philosopher responded, “Well I was hoping you, would answer it.” He shifted his glasses.

“F*****g Ninjas.”

The Philosopher scowled, “That isn’t really an answer.”

“Sure it is, take the kids and train them from birth to be ninjas. Then use my ninja army to take over the world.” The fourth man, a Computer Science Major for those who care, leaned back, satisfied. “What more could I want than an army of ninjas?” He paused, as though to consider his own question. “Can your island do the impossible as well? Can I give them lightsabres? Force lightning? Can my army of ninjas be converted to a Jedi army to protect my newly founded empire?”

The Philosopher was offended, though he hid it well. So well in fact that he not only extinguished any sign of hurt feeling, but also his usual verbal paroxysms. “I can’t help but think that you really are not taking this question seriously though I assure you that I offer it in the sincerest fashion.”

“Well, I sincerely want a Ninja-Jedi Army.”

The fifth man broke his silence, “I think I understand,” His hand moved through his red hair listlessly, like the giant sloth of nervous ticks. “I see. You have, I think you have tried to create a situation in which a perfectly controlled experiment, a social experiment could be conducted. No moral baggage, no real-world complications, the real world breeds uncountable uncounted for factors, they throw adjust the results, unpredictably. In our minds, on your island, this doesn’t happen, we, I think we, if I understand correctly, control everything. The question beneath your question is, ‘What do we want to know about humanity?’”

The Psych major ground out his cigarette in an ashtray and said, “This whole discussion is disgusting, you’re talking about abducting children, experimenting them; destroying their lives to satisfy your own curiosity.” He crossed his arms, his handsome face contemptuous. “I’ll answer your question though; I’d set them free, let them live out happy lives with their families!”

The First Man’s anxiety grew visible for the first time in the face of this new onslaught, “It was only a hypothetical, a little thought-experiment.” He smiled nervously, and continued, “It’s not like, I would be awarding the, best answer with one thousand, stolen children and a magical island.”

“It’s repellent.”

“And that was your fatal mistake.” This was the third man, a student of Economics. He sat across from the Philosopher, and spoke to him consolingly.

“Should I have had such an island, ready at hand?” He responded.

The Third man shook his head vigorously. “No. Not that. You just made a situation that any boring-as-f**k person like him could easily ruin with stodgy morality.”

“I’m sorry for ruining your fun with a modicum of ethics.”

“Forgiven,” He turned back to the Philosopher and said, “So let us change it in a small way. Say that while these people are representative in every meaningful way, should they be allowed to remain where they are circumstances will be such that they will end up serial-arsonists, -rapists and �"killers.” He smiled and waved a hand, as though dispelling moral qualms.

“That’s- What- No!” Insisted the Psychologist, “You’re making it worse.”

The Economist ignored him, and the Physicist put forth with, “OK, I think I’ve got an answer.” He continued, “I would chose people, again, who are otherwise representative, but whose intelligence is perfectly inversely related to their physical attractiveness, and then wait a few thousand years, observing how the society evolves. Start by giving them Bronze Age technology, lots of room for them to expand.”

The First Man smiled, “You see? That is what I was hoping for. So the people would have to, overcome their current genetic predisposition towards, certain physical qualities in order to thrive?”

“Exactly! Either that or genetic stratification occurs, and we end up with two species, the ugliest having paired with their opposite numbers, and vice verse among the most attractive. The median would end up determining things, whether we end up with two classes, two cultures or two species, or something approaching homogeny. I suspect if beauty and ugliness are uniform, that is that the most beautiful, and borderline retarded, individuals in the initial population also look like each other and the same goes for the most intelligent then you have the makings of a solid social chasm that can easily grow.”

The Computer Scientist appended this lecture with the query, “But how do you select babies based on sexual attractiveness without needing to flee to Munich?”

The Economist smirked, “The same way we ensure that they’re all little Charlie Mansons in waiting, and yet entirely normal and within our specifications. We hire a wizard.”

“So what your idea then?” Asked the Psychologist, “How will you horrify us with wanton abuse of imagination?”

“Well to be honest I really think there’s only one thing you can do. Only one ‘experiment’ if you will that can truly test what mankind, as a collective, is capable of, how far it can be stretched, what it can withstand.”

“What’s that?” Asked the enraptured Philosopher.

“I would join them on this Island, using it to guarantee myself immortality, and create around myself cult. I would be God to them, using the island to, as it were, test the textile strength of the fabric of human society.”

He paused, and the group was silent. “I think I agree with The Psychologist.” Said the Philosopher after a moment’s thought.