Deadbeat Dad

Deadbeat Dad

A Poem by ;

You were always mulling around the house

Like there was nothing to do

There were dishes in the sink, Garbage to take out, Kids to feed

But no you wanted a beer, a cold one at that

I hated you more than you can imagine

You were suppose to be my father

The father that went to work, didn't beat his kids, and took care of his wife

I hold no regret for killing you...I rejoiced in it

The only thing that I regret is killing you fast

© 2008 ;


Author's Note

;
Just some grudge going overboard...I didn't really kill my "dad"

My Review

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Reviews

This piece reflects deep hatred. The final line was great. Always make that last stanza strong. Nice job. Rain..

Posted 15 Years Ago


wow. better to wite it than actually do it right?

Posted 16 Years Ago


sounds like my work i had a father just like that

Posted 16 Years Ago


Let me start by saying a great write......a very heartfelt read full of anger and angst. A great way to vent is to write about it, you have captured a lot of frustration and emotion in this piece. Powerfull stuff!


Posted 16 Years Ago


slightly disturbing, but very well written.
the only issue i found is in the third line, instead of "there was dishes" it should be "there were dishes"
its a simple and easily overlooked mistake, but i think if you fixed it the entire piece would look more polished.

unless, though i doubt it by the use of correct tense everywhere else and the use of the words like "mulling," "rejoiced," and "regret," you purposely wanted this to sound like it was being said by a young child. just a brainstorm, but you might actually want to consider that for this piece. it would certainly raise the impact level and make the readers think a lot more about what they read.

just my musings, though. as it is, the piece is very well done other than that slight grammatical error, and i wish you the best of luck in the contest.

Posted 16 Years Ago


I agree with Caseys post about the tenses and the flow.
I also no what you mean with this, and I respect it.
My dads an acohalic but I dont hate him, I dont want to kill him, actaully I havent been abole to see him in 5 years (or was it 6?)
And I would give my life to see him. Not that my life is all that precious.
But I would kill my step dad in a heart beat. Hes not a acaholic but bad man. He doesnt even deserve to walk the planet.
That stupid pervertd b*****d.
I hate him.

Anyway, back to the poem, lol.
Great job, I can really see this in my head, its actaually (sadly) a very common family now a days.



Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

some quick things:
3rd line - tense "there were dishes"
"garbage to take out" sounds awkward - I like the image of it, but that way your phrased it breaks up the flow.

instead of "wanted just a beer" try "just wanted a beer"
does "at that" have a purpose? I think the poem might flow better without it.

I would play around a bit with the punctuation too, but these are just suggestions. a good poem, thanks for sharing.

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Angry and cold like a sharpened knife, placed in a bucket of ice before placing it in someone's stomach.

I really like the way you expressed what he did not do and what he did do. Both of them in negative relief, demonstrated by contrast, neither said directly.

The phrasing of 'you wanted just a beer' is odd. It makes the line stand out. An echo of how he might say it? 'just a beer'

It's a powerful write!

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

As one person who has had a bad relation with there father to another, keep up the justice!

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I loved your poem! Just some grudge going overboard? I killed my dad at least 100 times and everytime it felt pretty powerful. Thanks for writting this

Posted 16 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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12 Reviews
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Added on February 15, 2008
Last Updated on August 7, 2008

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