Let me start by saying a great write......a very heartfelt read full of anger and angst. A great way to vent is to write about it, you have captured a lot of frustration and emotion in this piece. Powerfull stuff!
slightly disturbing, but very well written.
the only issue i found is in the third line, instead of "there was dishes" it should be "there were dishes"
its a simple and easily overlooked mistake, but i think if you fixed it the entire piece would look more polished.
unless, though i doubt it by the use of correct tense everywhere else and the use of the words like "mulling," "rejoiced," and "regret," you purposely wanted this to sound like it was being said by a young child. just a brainstorm, but you might actually want to consider that for this piece. it would certainly raise the impact level and make the readers think a lot more about what they read.
just my musings, though. as it is, the piece is very well done other than that slight grammatical error, and i wish you the best of luck in the contest.
I agree with Caseys post about the tenses and the flow.
I also no what you mean with this, and I respect it.
My dads an acohalic but I dont hate him, I dont want to kill him, actaully I havent been abole to see him in 5 years (or was it 6?)
And I would give my life to see him. Not that my life is all that precious.
But I would kill my step dad in a heart beat. Hes not a acaholic but bad man. He doesnt even deserve to walk the planet.
That stupid pervertd b*****d.
I hate him.
Anyway, back to the poem, lol.
Great job, I can really see this in my head, its actaually (sadly) a very common family now a days.
some quick things:
3rd line - tense "there were dishes"
"garbage to take out" sounds awkward - I like the image of it, but that way your phrased it breaks up the flow.
instead of "wanted just a beer" try "just wanted a beer"
does "at that" have a purpose? I think the poem might flow better without it.
I would play around a bit with the punctuation too, but these are just suggestions. a good poem, thanks for sharing.
Angry and cold like a sharpened knife, placed in a bucket of ice before placing it in someone's stomach.
I really like the way you expressed what he did not do and what he did do. Both of them in negative relief, demonstrated by contrast, neither said directly.
The phrasing of 'you wanted just a beer' is odd. It makes the line stand out. An echo of how he might say it? 'just a beer'
I loved your poem! Just some grudge going overboard? I killed my dad at least 100 times and everytime it felt pretty powerful. Thanks for writting this