July 6, 2011, "Tell Them How You Really Feel" Day

July 6, 2011, "Tell Them How You Really Feel" Day

 

Courage is not my strong suit - at least in affairs of the heart...

So today I am faced with the fact that I am in love..... Forget boundaries, forget definitions. Love is funny that way.

 

The world believes me to be one thing, yet, I have one gaping hole in that box.... Yep. I'm straight, but with one small glaring exception. I am in love with a woman, one woman. Fortunately that woman is a lesbian. Unfortunately she also believes I'm 100% straight...

 

She and I have a wonderful friendship. Built on mutual understandings of how we view the world. A friendship that sex could easily complicate. We have different tastes, but a whole lot of similar tastes. She is the best person I have ever lived with. She lives in a different city now - one with a real cultural life, and she makes money. I live in a dead city, with next to no money... She has a girlfriend, a steady weekly date. With sex.  Me, I've been celibate for over 8 years - nothing - da nada.... Recently divorced from 30 years of straight marriage (but inactive for 10...)

 

The local gay community believes me to be a lesbian, but I'm a theater person, an actor, I thought the persona was simply blending in, but...was the facade a reflection of reality? The last time I saw her in a short skirt, my heart skipped a beat. I scored a slow dance I'll remember forever. No one, male or female, has had this effect on me since my marriage went south.

Am I just lonely for cuddles? Or is this desire for this person for real? Did I take up performing in drag for my own need for attention, or to get HER attention?

 

How do I tell someone that I really, really care, enough to marry them, without sacrificing a perfectly good platonic relationship?

 How do I break the wall, without breaking my heart?