Souvenir

Bear with me as I learn how to write short stories or prose poems.

The droplets seemed to jingle like the tiniest of bells as they cascaded down the waterfall and gave birth to the river.

Springtime's gift to the valley was the melting of the solid icecap that graced the head of the mountain. Beads of blue ice water dove and landed in their thousands, a cosmic paintbrush that brought with it a riot of colour as it passed field and meadow.

Villagers living near the river actually smiled on this spring day warm enough to witness the cascade. They could be seen shepherding livestock through the shorter grass of low mountain pastures, where the perfumed tender shoots of clover fairly called to the animals. Young and old alike could be seen on the riverbank, the women at various stages of their laundering and water gathering routines. The crispness of cool water assuaged those hands that were calloused and ravaged by winter.

One villager chose that moment to stand still, look up to the sky and wonder what might be out there.

Just as the ground began to shake beneath him.





Meanwhile, the same scene was being observed by a single blue eye through a lens as fingers gently removed the slide from beneath his microscope. Without comment, he labelled and stored the glass slide with great care, then closed the blue drawer.

Author's Note

Go easy on me, critics, and welcome, friends! :):)

V

Reviews

[Neville]

This is absolutely brilliant.. and I am so delighted to be the first... to leave summat behind... every line adding something to its predecessor... the opening ..The droplets seemed to jingle like the tiniest of bells as they cascaded down the waterfall and gave birth to the river, are words I almost drowned in.... Neville

[Verse]

Cheers, dear Neville!!! Smiles to you as always. I love it when you’re my first customer! :):)read moreCheers, dear Neville!!! Smiles to you as always. I love it when you’re my first customer! :):)

How are you keeping these days?

V

[Neville]

I certainly get a bit of a kick out of it... my pleasure.. N

[mattavelli]

Hello, Verse! :)
I enjoyed this write like the others of yours that I've read tonight. I think you have a unique voice. I think you're honest and open in your writing, and you're a bit quirky. If you have the time, I'd love for you to read my poem, Deep in a Crack. I never finished editing it, but think you might enjoy it.

[Verse]

Hey there, Matt! Thanks so much for the reads, for spending the evening with my voice in your head! Even my husband gets tired of that sometimes! :)

Loved your comment on my writing, it lifts me up!

I did go looking for your poem, but didn’t find it! Did you change your mind about it?

V

[mattavelli]

There I wrote a witty response, but the site ate it. Here is the link to the poem I mentioned:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/mattavelli/1740264/

[Cherry]

This is an excellent piece of writing. The description is vivid and intense and gives the reader the sense of environment you're describing and the twist at the end just made it that much more enjoyable.

[Verse]

Thanks so much, Cherry! I’ve been away for awhile, and this was a lovely comment to come back to. :):)

V

[Cherry]

You’re very welcome 😊

[barleygirl]

This feels more poetic than storytelling, at least until you get to the last two surprises (shaking ground & blue eye thru a lens). Even tho I was very much enjoying your lyrical descriptions that sparkle all over the mountain, I was also wondering where this was going, as a storyline. Your ending surprises pique this curiosity, making the reader eager to continue, so we can find answers to the questions you plant. There's a good balance between the lyrical descriptions & getting to a compelling aspect of your storytelling to keep the reader going on with interest (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Verse]

Hahahaha! I know, right? It was one of the things that I couldn’t really deal with when studying Proust back in university. Reams upon reams of description, down to the tiniest detail of a lilac. In his case, the description was the point, so it never really went anywhere! I thought I was going to die.

Here, on the other hand, I did eventually come to a point, and I thank you for staying with me till the end. I was trying to describe using a scientist’s eyes, while narrating as a storyteller (trying not to give away the ending). :):)

If I remember correctly, I think I saw Dave Chappelle use the same technique in one of his comedy sketches, using his style of language. That inspired me, and I fluked it into something of my very own. :):)

As I say, thank you for reading on, and not giving up!!

V

[silentwriter180]

Very nice. I love how descriptive it is.

[Verse]

Thanks! Happy to oblige. :):)

V

[Flowers of Eternity]

As usual Verse, the story you have created is full of life and wonder, where you can actually feel, see and hear it. I always enjoy reading your work!
Good job!

[Verse]

Grateful to you, Eternity!!! You have such a kind, supportive way with words, in poetry and in comments like this.

Greatly appreciated!!!


V

[Agyani]

I loved this little piece you wrote, V. The imagery is so beautiful and shown so artistically I could feel myself on top of the mountain, flowing down with the waterfall, and be the villager that stood and looked up, not to wonder about what's out there but to take it all in! It's a beautiful scene you showed us. I say "showed" because that's exactly what you did.

The grim ending only adds irony and melancholy to the entire thing; power elements to be used in any writeup, but you used it immaculately. :D

[Verse]

Aw... I am humbled by such kind words. :):)

Thank you.

V

[Ghost writer]

no, that's a really awesome concept, I love the twist

[Verse]

cool! thanks, sweetie!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

This has me intrigued and hooked. If this is you learning to write prose poems and short stories, then I can't wait to read more from you.
Your phrases here are rich in imagery which I very much admire. Could the last and first part be connected somehow? I keep digging into this piece.
Cool piece of writing, V. Also, flattering aside, I think you're a great addition to the genuine writers here. Consider me a regular reader although I'm rather lazy in reviewing (or rather, often fall short on words) :)

[Verse]

Oh, bless you, Yumna! To your question, yes, the closing paragraph shows the world of the villagers from an entirely different perspective. :):)

Think Alfred Hitchcock.

Your friend,

V

[Wild Rose]

You built up a lovely scene > I had a picture in my minds eye a mixture of a local area Glenriiding on the shore of Ullswater with mountains behind and an Alpine valley in spring sunshine

Then the ground began to shake
Were you going to describe an earthquake ??????

The technician carefully labelling and putting the glass slide in its case
My thoughts cut in - Yes I could understand that - placing the delicate work in a safe place before leaving

[Verse]

Smiles, and sincere thanks for tolerating my flight of fantasy here.

I know you’re a technical man, so picture a slide in one of your microscopes, as you have done in your comment. Now imagine everything before the final paragraph in the above narrative taking place on the slide.

It’s a bit of a different twist on storytelling... a non-linear narrative. :):)

Have a wonderful afternoon!

V

[Wild Rose]

I loved it

[Chris Shaw]

Wonderful Verse. A great build up of quite hypnotic description, almost like climbing a staircase. Your final stanza, well I wasn't expecting that at all. The power behind that single blue eye. From a scene of tranquillity, teetering on the brink. Well written.

Chris

[Verse]

Haha! Chris, your comments always sing music to me. No word of a lie... still smiling away even now. :):)

V