How to Avoid a Letter

How to Avoid a Letter

A Story by Evangeline

I breathe in. I’ve done this before.

It makes it no less terrifying.


His warning signs aren’t going unnoticed. That makes it a little less dangerous. A little more possible to bear the pain in his eyes as he continues to be functional. All I can do is sit and listen.


Just as I had done before.


Songs save lives. Music saves lives. It helps people feel less alone in their situations. Somebody significant has the same feelings and created something beautiful and memorable for the audience. It’s a backwards hope, so long as one of the band members hadn’t killed himself afterward. So, I listen to the music he sends me and I’m reminded of everything I keep bottled in so I can save a life and hope that he finds comfort and healing in it.


He reads what I write and is inspired to do the same. His voice is quirky, and not a single resemblance of how he speaks, but it’s him in his most pure form. He doesn’t stutter or pause because the words can’t come out. It flows easily and his typing can keep up with his mind. The words are no less painful. Reading how he feels so deeply on the inside is a shock. I continue and offer understanding.


He shuts down.


He doesn’t eat full meals. When he asks for mashed potatoes, I make sure he has real, unboxed, buttery, salty, and almost lumpy potatoes. He needs to eat something other than junk food.


He stops doing his work. He is so close to completing his undergraduate. I hold his hand and pull him into bed to see if intimacy can help keep his mind focused on his humanness.


He smokes more than he should. I stand outside and do the same so he doesn’t feel as if he has anything to be ashamed of as he copes. He does the same for me.


He pulls his hair. I make sure he uses my hair repairing deep conditioner on the weekends to save it so he can continue to grow it out.


He chews at his thumbs until they bleed. I hold his hand.


I show him anything to do with dogs. I make sure he visits my mother so he can see the pack she’s accumulated over the years because they love him.


I make sure when we’re at Ma’s the baby says hi to him first before I try to get a hug. He loves that little boy, and the baby loves him right back.

I coax the bad feelings out and sit quietly as I listen. The fear digs deeper into my chest. I tell him that I love him more than life itself, and describe our wedding plans to him. I give himself something to look forward to despite the constant harassment he receives for it. I watch as it wears him down. It’s something I’m new to, so I work twice as hard to show him how proud his friends are of him. I tell him he’s doing everything right, and that I am his family. This one woman family is extremely proud of him. I see everything he works unrelentlessly for and I show him his progress and remind him that he has grand plans for the future. I talk about Seattle and how far removed it is from the personal hell he’s been provided. A Fresh Start.


I do everything I should have for Caleb.

© 2017 Evangeline



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Added on April 4, 2017
Last Updated on April 4, 2017
Tags: suicide, suicide prevention, love, loss, fear, mistakes, corrections, life, sorrow, learning

Author

Evangeline
Evangeline

Moved From San Francisco to the Middle of Freaking Nowhere, WY



About
I'm taking all of the Aspynn stories and compiling them into a series of chapters. My account is becoming a little claustrophobic from his evil. In the meantime, any odd ideas that I have that don't.. more..

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