How I Truly Usually Feel

This is how I truly usually feel, behind all my masks. Behind my own world I try to create for myself, that is buffeted and threatens to shatter by the winds outside it everyday.

I'm scared to see the pain and anger in your eyes,

When I tell you why I try to get high, cut, and cry,

I don't want to lie,

But the pain I see in you makes me even more want to die.

I want to trust and love,

I want to have someone to kiss and hug,

I want to trust these gifts given from God above,

But I'm scared they'll be yanked away, that will fly away that beautiful dove.

I try not to be depressed,

Or feel so stressed,

Or so compressed,

I try to think I'm blessed, but I just feel like a mess.

To the outer eye,

I don't cry and want to die,

I put on a facade, a lie,

And laugh and joke, part of my personality, but while inside I feel sad, outside I say I'm fine.

I want a family: a mother and father,

I want a sister and brother,

But how could I get new ones or the old ones back,

After what I did to the old ones I can't have new ones, I'll always remember the others.

Besides, I'm not worthy,

Especially when I can't stop myself from hurting,

I'm listening, I'm learning,

In that room for group and with Mom but I can't stop, can't make the ways work, I think surely.

That I can't stop, I try but it's like a weed,

And I don't want to show this to you or anyone because you'll look down at me,

And not help, or care, or you'll give me tons of sympathy,

Something I don't deserve, I don't want, and I don't need.

I bleed,

I scream,

I try to something beautiful sing,

But pain rips through me.

I have a halo above my head but an infernal fire inside,

Or so I think, so I feel, inside it burns, it rages, that's what it feels like,

It burns in pain, it burns in anger, in rage, it's infernal light,

Seems to me to grow and glow so bright.

I feel evil,

Like I deserve to be in Hell or die, I feel I hurt people,

Look at what I did to my bro and sis, 2 times, a prequel and sequel,

I couldn't stop myself, what's to say I won't do it again, I'm bad, I'm evil.

This is what goes through my head,

These thoughts throughout the day and at night when I'm trying to go to bed,

It makes my arms feel like lead,

It makes me want to be dead.

Now do you see how I feel?

I feel horrible, half the time I don't even feel real,

I feel like the joy from people's lives I steal,

Inside I just feel so sad, so depressed, so bad, so mad, so evil.

So now you see: I try,

I try to tell you, I try not to lie,

But I'll just hurt you in the process which I don't wanna do and in turn that'll hurt me,

And then I'll feel even more I want to die and cry and I sigh.

Author's Note

This poem is brutally honest. The lines through the words are symbolizing the fact that that isn't truth. (Although, the entire poem is truth, it's just to symbolize me everyday saying untruths.) The colors represent all my different masks. The multitude of stanzas are for two reasons: First to explain as much as I could before I lost my nerve, and Second to symbolize the multitude of these thoughts I have. The black lines at the end of each stanza are black to symbolize how dark they are, and symbolize truth. (Like I said earlier, all of this is truth, this is just symbolism.) The italics (Which you may notice are just on the black lines.) symbolize how convincing and hard to not listen to that those thoughts are. The final line, all black, all italicized, all bold, symbolizes my truest emotions and thoughts. The images are just to add imagery to my words if you couldn't get it in your head. Sorry because it's so dark. Anyways, that's how I made it, read it anyway you like. Tell me what you think, and be honest, brutally if need be.

Reviews

[iNSOMniAC]

Especially love that most of the thoughts are scratched out, like you don't want them to be seen. You have guts... I could never show my true feelings. It's always a lie. Well, not always... but still.

[The StoryTeller]

Yeah, if you read the Note For Reviewers, that was done on purpose. I think you could, and if you ever choose too, I'll be there with you every step of the way. Like I said in Ask About The Masks, all you have to do is ask. And eventually, we all have to take off our masks every once in awhile to breathe before we put them back on.

[iNSOMniAC]

But... I'm afraid that the oxygen will be too bitter to breathe. What if I choke and die? Is that worth such a risk?

[The StoryTeller]

Yes it is, because you might instead breathe in clean air and live. At least if you take off your mask with me.

[iNSOMniAC]

But if it's bad for us, then why would I risk letting you die?

[The StoryTeller]

That's just the thing, you don't know if it's bad for us...

[The StoryTeller]

And besides, I'd rather die or sacrifice myself if it meant helping or saving someone else (probably why I'm joining the military....)

[iNSOMniAC]

You're joining the military?

[The StoryTeller]

Yeah... either the Air Force (in which I'll try to either be a Paratrooper or a Combat Rescue Officer) or the Army (in which I'll try to be a Ranger or an Infantryman.) Don't worry. It's okay, part of it is because I come from a very, very, very big military family, and partly because I want too, partly because I feel I'm being called to it, and partly because I feel I would sacrifice myself for the greater good, or to help or save someone else... Don't worry, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die. If God doesn't want me to die yet, I won't die yet. My life has, is, and always will be in his hands.

[The StoryTeller]

Sorry, I'm just used to people telling me (friends) don't do it, or they're scared for me, or something like that. I needed to tell you it's okay. Why did you want to know?

[iNSOMniAC]

Simple. I'm interested in reading everyone's story.
That's great! I support you all the way. If it's something you really want to do, then go for it. You're going to be great.

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, okay, and thank you. :)

[Lizardo]

We all have felt like this once in our lifetime.. I sometimes feel like this.
Like I said once, You speak truth in your words.
A creative poem that makes you think too. awesome work!

[The StoryTeller]

I feel like this a lot. It actually wasn't written so much to make people think, but to just get it out of my head. And then after that, I felt I had to share it. Like something, God maybe, was calling me to do it. Glad it makes you think. And glad you liked it. :)

[Lizardo]

You're welcome!

[The StoryTeller]

Do you ever feel this more than once in your lifetime?

[Lizardo]

A lot of times, most of the days maybe

[The StoryTeller]

You should talk about that. If you want to talk in an email with me, you can. Or you can talk in our group. I just created a new forum post for those that are hurting, that need to talk, that need advice. You can talk there too. If you want to talk to me about it, that is, whether in email or group.

[Lizardo]

I usually talk about that with my family, but that was a time ago, now I feel better

[The StoryTeller]

Okay, well, if you ever do need to talk, about anything, not just that, I am here.

[Lizardo]

Thank you, You're a good friend :)

[The StoryTeller]

Eh, I'm normal, and probably worse than that. ugh, there I go again, not believing. People have told me that before, I guess I just need to believe, don't I? But yes, I'm here for you whenever you need me.

[Lizardo]

You're good! Don't be the old me that never Believe in himself
trust me, you are good

[The StoryTeller]

I will believe. Here: I think I am really good. I gtg now, but I'll cya tomorrow.

[Cool Girl]

Going in my favorites library! I hope Ive said enough:)

[The StoryTeller]

I doubt it's good enough for favorites... but that's not mine to judge. Anyways, you have said enough. :p

[Cool Girl]

:D
..........

[The StoryTeller]

Question: Do you really think I'm good? And if so, how good? Do you think others think I'm good?

[Cool Girl]

I do think you have a talent. Others probably think you're good too! You have a budding talent, let your talent bloom! Keep on writing and you'll get better. I started out writing songs, but then figured out that songs were like poems. I started trying to write poems on here, and Ive definately improved. Take a look at my earlier poems that I posted XD

[Cool Girl]

I believe your talent could bloom into a extraordinary flower!! xD

[The StoryTeller]

Lol, I actually started out writing poetry and transitioned to songs, and then to rap. Now I write pretty much everything, and seem to have a least a little bit of skill in each writing area. And lol, okay, I'll believe you, my talent is a closed up "extraordinary" flower, that just has to bud. :p

[Cool Girl]

Yes indeed:)
xD

[The StoryTeller]

Lol. :p Btw, you don't have to reply to this. I just feel I always have to reply to a comment, so if you want to torture me, reply. :p

[Cool Girl]

Hahahahahahahaha I like replying too!! I can't ever not just reply xD

[The StoryTeller]

Lol I'm just now getting to this comment. How about we both say cya later? I'll start. Cya later. :p

[Cool Girl]

U know the CYA stands for 2 different things xD xD xD
See you later:)

[The StoryTeller]

Yes, and lol. I'll SEE YOU :p later.

[Coyote Poetry]

Direct and honest thoughts in the words. Easy to be blindsided by the wrong things. I like the honest tone and realistic view in the words. I like how you set-up the poem. Create reaction and thought from the reader. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[The StoryTeller]

Thank you. Part of it for me was to let others know my inner thoughts, no matter how dark, for they are a part of me too. Another was a warning, to not let yourself fall here. The way I made the poem (colors and etc.) was to provoke thought and create imagery. And as for realistic view, I don't do drama. If I get upset about something, it truly has importance, which gives me even more reason to share it: so others know too, and can make the change.

[Coyote Poetry]

Good to write sadness and bad thoughts. Does help me and you are welcome.

[The StoryTeller]

Okay, glad it helped. I agree, if you don't write sadness and bad thoughts they will drive you insane. Plus, others can benefit from it. As can you, as others can help. I have this memory of a quote, I don't remember it exactly, but it kind of goes like this, "Bad situations can become good when looked at from the good side. As well as good situations can become bad when looked at from the bad side."

[luvs2write]

Wow, coming from a writing perspective this was really cool (I know that sounds shallow...but I mean it, really) the images you added and the way you did all the different colors and lines was so creative. I hope you find relief through writing...It was really brave of you to realize what was behind your mask and to write about it. I know I sound stupid right now, but I hope you realize I mean what I'm saying. And I'm not trying to be "encouraging" or buttering you up, but your writing is good. Just keep writing, don't stop. Keep letting it out, no matter what anybody tells you.

[The StoryTeller]

Thank you, that meant a lot to me, and no, I understand you're not being shallow. Thank you. :)