Pretending

I did something I shouldn't have. I am paying for it through anger, tears that refuse to be held, and the horrible sharp pang of jealousy.

I like to think that it's my failing knees that will kill me.

My painful hips.

My full heart.

When the truth hits it's the most painful of all.

It is my hot fiery jealousy that will be the end of my existence.

I like to blame you for it.

And you have no idea to the levels in which I would love to blame her for it.

To the lengths I would go to have her cry is unreal despite the short satisfaction that pain to others will bring.

I know I shouldn't have.  

Forcing your conversations in a private place to back track so that I can watch them unfold.

It was a pain I forced upon myself.

A boundary I should not have ever crossed. 

I promise to never make her cry even though the amount of hearts she sends you is beyond the limitations of her wanting to be "just friends"

I will never ask you to not be her friend because I know for some reason you find comfort in her presence at time.

You told me some of my guy friends like me.

Well you have one that is head over heels in love with you.

I would know the signs since a year ago I was fawning over you the same way waiting for you to ask me out.

So I will torture myself and live with my secret that I have trespassed in a way I should not have. 

I feel bad.

Really bad.

I feel almost sick,

Guilt and the pure hatred of her person will eat at me for sometime.

My own jealousy will be the end of me. 

My own personality.

Author's Note

This was done pure out of being pissed off and upset and whatever emotions that seem to pull through in horrible bouts of jealousy and paranoid pain.

T-
If you ever read this I am so sorry for intruding on your privacy. I feel like a horrible person for doing so. My own guilt will eat through me no doubt. I'm not sure that I will tell you what I did or try to correct it on my own.

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

The lines seem at the moment...the way the thought process goes off the page...means you did this as the words came out...I see this seems more of a personal write to someone...then actually a verse for presentation...yet...this is real time and hope all goes well...

[Toribird]

It was very very raw as I wrote. Most of the time when I do that it comes out like I talk and as though I'm addressing the person who I'm upset with. I hope you still enjoyed it and that the raw emotions were ones you could relate to or understand. I really hope it all fixes itself.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

The truth hurts...but it's the truth...and all that matters...truth will set you free...I like getting angles from all views...if I do not like something I will let you know...no sugar coating...write on...if there is something that needs attention...let me know...