Chapter 1

      “Who are you?” He snarled, his arm pinning me to the wall.
      “You his bodyguard?” I asked, indicating the regal looking man to our left. He showed only mild interest in what was happening over here.
      I noticed that the man pinning me to the wall was a Were. Unsurprising really, considering how fast he slammed me up against the wall when I got too close to his client or whatever the regal man was to him.
       I contemplated throwing the Were across the room but decided it would be better to bide my time and see if I could get any useful information first. Of course I wasn't being paid to get information, but when it came to dealing with supes I had learned that you could never be too informed.
     The Were growled, low in his throat, trying to intimidate me. It wasn't working.
     “Listen,” I said, “Not that I don't find you charming and all, but I kinda have to go do something, so if you could let me go I'd appreciate it.”
     “Screw you.” He spat, his teeth slightly more pointed and sharp than a regular humans'.
     “I'd prefer if you didn't.” I gave the Were a winning smile and he looked perplexed for a minute. Then, evidently not liking my play on words, he backhanded me.
     Okay, now I was pissed. It's not like I'd done anything wrong; all I'd done was walk towards Fancy Suit. Now if I had shouted "Hey, I'm here to kill you!" I might have been a little more understanding. Since I hadn't done that, I was finding no reason to stand for being beaten up by a jerkish Were.
     Behind the Were came a low snarling sound. He jerked his head around to see what was making the sound. He let go of me in an instant, turning his whole body to face whatever was behind him. As he moved sideways to get closer to the man I was supposed kill, I saw what caused the reaction. A wolf was standing a few feet away, its teeth exposed to show off impressive fangs. It was a beautiful specimen, pure black with striking dark blue eyes. Those blue eyes followed the Were as he tried to get between the wolf and his client. I watched, wanting to see how the Were planned to deal with the wolf, which seemed to have no interest in me at the moment.
     “Get away.” The Were snarled, pulling out a short knife from the sheath on his belt. 
     The wolf let out a low growl and started walking towards the Were, who decided it would be wise to throw his knife at the wolf's head. The knife hit dead on. Instead of sinking deep into the wolf's brain and killing it instantly, the minute the knife started to go through the wolf's head it disappeared"in flames. I mean one minute it was there and the next it had gone up in black flames, as though the fire had dissolved its very being.

     The knife clanked harmlessly onto the floor.

     I looked over at the Were to see him staring at the spot where the wolf had been, an expression of complete and utter confusion on his face. Because he was so focused on what was in front of him, he didn't see the wolf reappear behind him. Before his client could give him warning, the wolf leapt and knocked the Were to the ground. The wolf wasted no time in sinking his teeth into the Were's neck and ripping his throat out.

     The wolf looked up and locked eyes with me. I held absolutely still, waiting.

     The wolf turned its attention to the man behind him, the Were’s client. It bared its teeth, not in a snarl, but more like a smile.

     I pushed myself off the wall and strode towards the man who was now showing some teeth of his own, trying to intimidate the wolf. Like the Were, he was unsuccessful in cowing the wolf. Or me, for that matter.

    “Put the fangs away, vampire,” I moved until I was beside the wolf, put my hand on its head, “You are screwed and you know that. It’ll be less painful for you if you make this easy.”

     Of course he wasn’t going to make it easy. They never did.

     He threw himself at me, going for my throat. Before he could get to me I grabbed my weapon from its sheath on my hip and whipped it outwards, towards the vampire. He stopped very suddenly, a few feet away from me. He gaped at me, looked down at the sword protruding into and through his chest. Before the vampire could say or do anything, the wolf jumped and knocked him back off the sword and onto the floor. Like with the Were, the wolf immediately ripped out the vampire’s throat.

     “You could have given me a couple of minutes to try and extract some information from him.” I said.

      The wolf looked at me and suddenly shifted upwards onto two feet, taking on a human form--fully clothed. He had the same color hair as his pelt had been and his eyes were still exactly the same.

     “You wouldn’t have gotten anything out of him anyway.” He murmured, looking down at the dead (truly dead) vampire, who had begun to disintegrate into ash.

     “Still could have tried.” I said, putting my sword back into its sheath, watching as its magic turned it into a small knife that was inconspicuous and covered by my shirt.

     “Guess you should go back and check in with your people,” The wolf looked up at me, “You know they are repulsive creatures, right?”

     “First of all, they are not my people; I just do the occasional job from time to time for them. Second, they aren’t repulsive; they’re just cruel and sadistic monsters hiding behind a shroud of formality and ‘civility’.”

     “Whatever, they’re still the biggest hypocrites I’ve ever seen,” The wolf glanced back at where the vampire had been, then back to me, “Good luck,” With that he once again went up in black flames, disappearing.

     “Thanks.” I said to the empty room.

Author's Note

So yeah, first story I'm putting up here. This is the main thing I've been working on, and I want it to turn out good, so any constructive criticisms, suggestions, or pointing out of errors would help a lot. Thanks :)

Reviews

[Rachel P]

Hello! I just want to say, I'm new, but I've read this at least twice and I love it. I absolutely love the dialogue, I feel it fits but I suggest having it move a little more because the relation between dialogue and the normal sentences seem choppy but other than that this is a fantastic idea. I also enjoy and how the characters seem to mesh in this fascinating universe; I love your style of detail and description. Another thing I thought was great was the way the character thought of those he interacted with and the names he used such as "Fancy Suit" or "jerkish Were" I like the sarcastic way about it and it truly reveals part of the character's personality but of course not all of it which is great. One more thing (I'm so sorry, I am almost done) and it isn't everywhere but it just bothers me that in one spot there is a break of paragraphs and the each start with "The wolf" which really just enunciates the repetition which of course sometimes can be a good thing and if that is purposeful you are the writer. I'm really glad I stopped to read this, and I hope if you wouldn't mind reading some of my work as well. Once again I love your style and also as a side note, I enjoy the ending of this chapter, it made me want to read on. (Which of course I am about to do.)

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Thanks for the review! Sorry for taking so long to reply, I kept forgetting to do it. But yeah, I've already changed that chunk of paragraphs that all started with "the wolf" (thanks for pointing that out, I hadn't realized how repetitive that was!). I ended up giving the wolf a name (I had planned to give him one later in the story, but it works better to give him a name here and be less repetitive). Glad you like my style! And thanks again for pointing out that issue! :)

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Well, i can say, the story is interesting. The begining seems a little rushed... I mean, a little introduction to the scene before jumping straight to the action would be nice... But, overall i like the story.

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Haha, thank you for the review. I'm terrible at beginnings, so I just decided to jump right into the scene. I might go back when the story is all done and clean some of this stuff up :)

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Well, i'm looking forward to it. And, you are welcome:)

[MoriartyMesa]

I liked this, not to sound like a geek or anything, but you could have a great graphic novel here, the images hit as fast as the words. Find an artist to work with, cause I want the first graphic novel. Signed if possible.

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Haha, I'll see what can be done. Finding an artist would be the hardest part, but who knows? Thanks for the review!

[Rose Whte]

The first chapter has got my attention, I still enjoy vampire and were stories. Right now I feel kind of lost in the story, though. I hoping there is a back story soon.

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Thanks for the review! Glad it got your attention. And yeah, I kinda give the back story in bits and pieces as the chapters go on :)

[FlatLineBeauty]

I must say I really liked this bud. :) I like to write myself and read ofc! You pulled me into the story right away and held my attention. The one recommendation I do have is to add just a bit more detail. Maybe not down to the knitty gritty but I do like to try and envision everything the writer sees in their mind's eye like a movie playing in my own. Xo karma

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Thanks! Yeah, I've always had a issue with details (I'm one of those people who skim read books, so details always slowed me down), but I definitely plan to go back in to my chapters and flesh them out more. Thanks again :D

[EsdeeAyo]

First of all, thank you for reviewing my work. I much appreciate it.

Second, I like this as an introductory chapter into your book's universe. It tickles the reader with just a surface's worth of information. Action is always a plus. Violence is an even bigger plus. I appreciate the dialogue as well. Just because they aren't human, doesn't mean they can't sound human.

Third, there were many places I found myself wanting to omit unnecessary words. Don't be offended, it is only a pet peeve of mine, it happens whether I read even the classics or my own writing. My motto is, if you can say the same thing in less words, do so. Look for words like 'that' and 'had' as those tend to be the most common. Also try to steer away from passive voice especially when writing action. Passive voice helps remove the reader from the action by another factor. If you want to engage the reader better, look for ways to transform sentences in passive voice to active voice.

http://www.hemingwayapp.com/

This is a web based editor I use to polish my own writing. It highlights different elements of your writing based off of Hemingway's guidelines. You don't have to take all its suggestions, but using it has really changed the way I look at reading and writing.

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

No problem, and thanks for returning the favor! :)
I can see what you mean about having unnecessary words, I'll be going through my first few chapters soon and I'll be looking at all of the things you helpful reviews have said.
Also, thank you for the tip on writing action, that seems to be one of my biggest problems. I'm never sure how to write it in a way that won't confuse and/or disengage the reader. This will help (I've also been looking at other writers and seeing how they write action scenes, including you [I like how you do it]).
Plus, thank you for the website! I will definitely be checking it out.
Thanks again for the review :)

[Francis Bernath]

Hello!
So, I've never really reviewed someone's work other than for English classes at school so I will try and be constructive as well as encouraging. Not to say it was bad though! Sounded wrong. Anyway, I'll just make a list of pros and cons for you to take a look at. Granted this is only my opinion so feel free to take it or leave it. :)

PROS:
- Great intro. It pulls me in, holds my attention, and makes me want to know more.
- I like the down to earth language you use. Nothing too formal, something people can relate to.
-The character makes me want to fangirl. His personality so far seems sarcastic and yet I can't help but feel like there is something more.
- Vampires, Werewolves, and the like are really popular in literature these days! Great choice. I really like that there is some originality to it. Different species within the species so to speak. Like the Wolf and then the Were. Really interesting.
-Dialog flows beautifully. I think that is a really strong point in this piece.

CONS:
- Using "The Wolf" too much. Perhaps using something like "The creature" or breaking it up into a he or it type wording.
- Make sure you make the non-dialog parts flow just as well as the dialog. For example the scene with the wolf showing up and taking down the Were seemed a bit choppy. Had me stumbling as a reader.
-Small punctuation errors. Nothing big here. It is a huge problem for me as well. I use way too many commas in my work.

Overall I really really liked it! I love darker fantasy fiction. It suits me quite well and I love that you've taken this step in finally letting someone read your work. I know how that is. I don't hardly let anyone read mine. I'm so worried it'll throw them off or they will think differently of me. I love my writing and I have remained confident in it! So keep it up. I shall have to read chapter two for sure. :)

[JCWilliams]

I really enjoyed reading both chapters we'll done! I love a hard a*s chick and vampire & werewolf action packed books. This is so the sort of book I would buy! I liked how you reviewed lee jang chapter if you had a spare moment I like you to review mine please?

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Thanks for the review! :D And yeah, I'll go check out your work :)

[lee_jang]

I like it, dude. In terms of grammar and sentence contruction, you nailed it. It's like I'm reading something that's already published. I said I'm going to have this reviewed tomorrow morning but when I checked it, I couldn't stop reading. Good job.

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it enough to stay up to read it. :D

[Hannah L.]

This was impressive. I wasn't planning on reading the whole chapter, just checking it out. But it was so well written I continued strait through to the end. I will be waiting for the next chapter. And would just like to point out, the second line says "You his bodyguard?" I'm guessing it's supposed to say "You're his bodyguard?" I just wanted to let you know so you could change it.

[WhiteWolfAvenger]

Thank you for the review :) This is the first time I've actually let people read my work, so I was a little unsure how it would be received. I'm glad you liked it. I tend to be a slow writer, but now that I have a bit more motivation, I might actually be able to pick up the pace.
Also, thank you for pointing that "You're" part out, I hadn't realized that error!
Thanks again :)