The Unknown Soldier

A young mans final thoughts at the battle of Passchendaele Ypres

   The Unknown Soldier

      A short-short story by Will Neill

‘The third battle of Ypres (Passchendaele) was fought from July to November 1917 over 200,000 men and boys were casualties-there is no estimate of the amount of men who died’

It didn’t really hurt; in fact I didn’t even hear it coming.

At first it was just the tiredness, an overwhelming feeling of wanting to sleep-the body takes over I suppose.

‘He’s in Shock!’  I heard someone scream.

‘MEDIC!-Where’s the Medic!’

The noise was deafening I remember that, so loud my ears ached more so than the hole that’s in my chest. It’s not a very big hole-about the size of a finger tip wide I reckon. I keep looking at it in wonderment, its all I can see for I can’t lift my head up.

Some one else is shouting, but the guns are louder, it drowns out their voice-I can’t see who it is. It sounds like Jimmy, I’m not sure. I know he was beside me when they blew the whistle and we went over the top.

‘You watch my back and I’ll watch yours ok.’ He said last night.

‘It’s a deal’ I agreed and we shook on it, then we both laughed.

I keep thinking about my feet, in the trench they were always cold and wet-doesn’t really matter now-I can’t feel my legs any more, or my arms.

Mum cried when I left, I felt bad about that.

‘Please don’t go son’ she begged.

She knew I had lied about my age-‘But it’s my duty Mum, I have to!-don’t worry I won’t get shot’ I joked. I guess I was wrong.

 

I feel cold.

Is this what it’s like to die?

The machine guns have gone quiet, ‘Get some shut eye’ the captain told us last night.

‘You won’t get any tomorrow lad’s; we go over the top at first light’

But Jimmy and I talked all night; We swapped photo’s of our girlfriends and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes between us. I’m gonna miss Amy-just got my first kiss too.

The screaming has stopped.

I wonder what dad will be doing today; probably down at the bar as usual, he was so proud of me-wanted to show me off to all his friends in my new uniform.

‘A drink for me and one for my boy bartender!’ he beamed ‘He’s a man now’

I wish I had a drink, I’m so thirsty.

My eyes feel heavy; I think I’ll go to sleep now.

Maybe dying wont hurt, I’m scared.

I hope they remember me.

 

Will Neill 2013

 

Author's Note

I hope you enjoy reading this sad tale of a young boy's final moments at war.

Reviews

[Susan C. Allen]

Hi there! I was on vacation, but just logged on. Love this story. I see tenses need to match in the 4th line you have "was" and "is". I like working in present tense but it's a lot harder. The next line "its" should be "it is" or "it's". Walk down this one more time and just look at the verbs and tenses and you will have a fab story here!
Best, Susan

[Will Neill]

Susan, I hope you are enjoying your vacation,thanks for the read, It is just a short piece, but I will look at it again.
Will

[Keith McCormick]

Outstanding. You pack so much into such a short writing that it is unbelievable. Wow. How can you so personalize someone so quickly and provide a vivid narrative about such a subject in so few words?

[Will Neill]

Keith, I am humbled by your kind comments.
Will

[David Scott]

I think you captured a part of what might be the last thoughts... Maybe very different for each soldier.
Worth the read and worth the heart felt energy.

[Will Neill]

your comments are humbling thanks david.
Will

[oldwarrior]

Very well done Neill. You actually captured the feelings that many never have to experience and for those who have, it is terrifying. This is from one who has experienced that feeling, I was sounded in combat 7 times, three very seriously. I can remember the thoughts racing through my mind when I was hit one time with two rounds to the chest....am I going to die? Is this my day, was it worth it just to prove how much of a man I was? Those thoughts are chilling and never go away. Thanks for sharing this.

[Will Neill]

I salute you sir for your bravery. Thanks for the read.
Will

[Vikrantsingh]

Its wonderful, Mate this is something which i really want to share with my friends.
This is worth, I have seen great poets writing comments/Reviews :)
Its very painful and quite properly executed. I love the way you narrate this whole concept in such a constructive and precise way.

Cheers!
Loved it :)
Singh :)

[Will Neill]

Singh, thank you for taking the time to read and review my story and your kind comment. I will take a look at your work.
Will

[Vikrantsingh]

No problem Mate :)
You're welcome :)

[CecilA]

Will,

Spellbinding story, well thought out and composed. Took me back to Nam for a spell. Brought back the smells, sounds, tastes, fear, hatred, agony, horrid visuals, sorrow, raw emotions, desires for revenge, and apathy. Now forty six years later; we're still in the killing fields - what the hell? It's like the world governing bodies all have a taste for blood; as long as its someone else's. And the winner is - NOBODY. Remember the lyrics to 'Where Have All The Flowers Gone' by Pete Seeger? The chorus 'When will they ever learn? Unfortunately I don't believe we ever will. So, unfortunately, your story will be repeated until the end of humanity. Wow, did you ever get to my emotions. That's what good writing does. Thanks.

[Will Neill]

Cecil, thanks for the review-I'm humbled, I wanted to generate as much emotion as possible with as short as possible story. 'They will never learn'
Kind Regards
Will

[Angi]

Oh Will. This one made me so sad. Our boys go like this every day. My son just turned 18 and so many of his friends have enlisted! His thoughts of Amy and hiss first kiss made me ache for these boys. For that is what they are. Boys. I really liked this story, the feelings welled up for me. Angi~

[Will Neill]

It is sadly as relevent today as it was then, to many wasted lives on unessessary political and religious fundimentals-those who instigate war rarely fight in it. I'm glad you read this. thank you.
Will
Will

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Will

As Belfast boy to Belfast boy and your having reviewed one of my pieces, I thought I would come over and look at some of your writing and picked this off the top of your list.

First of all Welcome to Writers Café. I was on a ex-BBC writing site for a while and then it sadly closed. In routing around for another, I tried a few and then stumbled over this one. I am glad I did as it had worked for me, not the least because it is free and most on here are friendly and welcoming. So this is where I set out my writing stall.

As I have said, I write in all three forms, poetry, short stories and now a novel, 'Split' on here. But I am fond of the short story. It is a rest away from the books you are writing and when you get exhausted by them gives you the chance to write more freely and write something brief, fresh and off topic. That's what I find anyway.

I have a tendency to review long and at times in a bit of detail. But my style varies according to the piece being reviewed.

I thought the approach I would take here is to make a couple of lists of the things I found most positive about the short story and then (if any) draw your attention to things you might like to think about in edit.

So to my review:

A Positives:

1) Form: I think given its brevity, this story might easily be classed as 'Flash Fiction' Mind you the definition of that term is a bit vague, but it works for me here.

I think this form of writing has high value as the writer has very limited opportunity to make an impact.

Therefore all words have to be well chosen or left on the cutting room floor.

There is a little of the less is more about the genre.

I find that to be the case with your story here.

All in all, the way you have chosen to present this story I find effective.

2) Perspective: You use the first person (I). This provides a more ultimate feel to any piece of writing in my view rather than the third person (he / she). You could have used either here. But the third person would not have been at all as effective as the perspective you has chosen as seen through the eyes of the dying soldier.

3) Characters: I find it commendable that in such a short piece you manage to fit so many characters other than the protagonist, to whom you add colour: Apart from the walk on parts, Jimmy, his mother and father.

4) Dialogue: Even in a piece as short as this you manage to mix in dialogue which I felt natural and flowed easily

5) The heart of the story and the passion of the plot: The story is the account of a dying soldier told through his own eyes. The setting I have always found highly emotional. The endless lists of those who died or were injured in the first world war, where being in the trenches, fighting for a few yards of territory was almost a death sentence.

Your skill and art here is to interleave the present of the unknown soldier with memories of his past, with Jimmy, with his mother and with his father.

Jimmy: The comrade in arms swapping photos of their girlfriends the night before;

Mother: Who doesn't want him to go; and

Father: Who shows his boy off with pride.

And others: Amy the girlfriend, the bartender.

This reminds me of one of my favourite books and in this case the film it was turned into 'The Cruel sea' (Nicholas Monsarrat). The film interweaves the stories of the members of the crew of a convoy ship in the second world war - both their personal lives ashore and their time in action.

When their ship is sunk, the film then pans over the bodies of these key characters floating dead. on the sea and lets us hear snippets of some of the last things they did or said to their friends or family before that trip.

If you have never watched the film, go watch it. What you do here is extraordinarily effective and mimics the plot of the film.

Therein lies the essence and the poignancy of your writing.

One added point, which you draw the reader's eye to is the sorrow that really so many were merely children. He joined up lying about his age. My grandfather did that too in the second world war. But thankfully he survived it.

B. Things to consider in edit.

1) Just the one thing - spelling. Sorry to get so pedestrian about a great story well told:

a. the 'its' in ' its all I can see for I can’t lift my head up' should be 'it's'.
b. the lad's in 'You won’t get any tomorrow lad’s' should be 'lads'
c. the 'photos' in 'We swapped photo’s of our girlfriends' should be 'photos'

C. Overview.

I find this a particularly well written and poignant account of one unknown soldier's dying thoughts. The fact that you pack in so many elements of any good short story into such a brief piece speaks volumes for the quality of your writing.

Bravo!

I hope to get to know you and review you more on here Will.

In the meantime

With my best wishes

James

[Will Neill]

thanks james for taking the time to read somee of my work, I always welcome constructive critique thats the only way us writers can improve-I'm sure we will be good friends.
Will

[James Hanna-Magill]

We will be good friends, I am sure, Will

As for constructive critique, especially when it comes to my novel 'Split' on here for heavy edit, whilst I am interested when people like chapters, I am much more eager to find out what people dislike or think needs rewritten so that I can improve the text.

I guess that's why we are all here - to hone our writing skills.

Your friend

James

[Samuel Dickens]

I don't know how many died so peacefully, but hope it was all of them. His dad being proud and showing him off made me think of my father and him doing the same thing when I came home in uniform.

[Will Neill]

Sam, once again thanks for the read-I will be reveiwing your latest as soon as.
Will

[Marie]

I couldn't enjoy reading this, because it was so sad--but I find it very impressive.

[Will Neill]

sorry it was so sad marie, but thats what it is supposed to do. I will try to write a nicer one just for you.
thanks for the reveiw.
will