The smile that's mine alone

They say you know it, when it happens. It feels like a gush of wind through your face or like a wave rushing through your hair, throwing you into a sea of confusion and newly found emotions. I could say all that is true, and it wouldn't be. I could say all of that is a lie, and it wouldn't be.
I can't explain those first seconds when I suddenly knew, because I only knew days later what it meant - what lay beneath those fast heartbeats and sweaty palms. I thought it was friendship, the kind of bond never to be broken, that would last for eternity. It was simple, it was easy. Maybe too easy. I think I should've suspected instantly but destiny works in mysterious ways and it's not my job to criticize it.
I may be dense, but not that dense.
I always say that to myself. It's true we sometimes lie to ourselves. I'm the living proof of it. Because, where was my all-knowing self when I ditched my friends just to be with you? Why did I make nothing of it and just tagged along? Why did I not suspect the mischievous smiles and deep gazes, the way our hands crossed each other without meaning to? How could I not see the way our smiles only seemed to belong to each other, the deathly looks we gave to those who interrupted our conversations, the sincere laughter and utmost care for one another?
It seemed right. It seems right.
Is it wrong to fear you and still... at the same time... care for you? I thought love meant only having eyes for the other person, yet I still see everything around me. The cold wind, the broken windows and dying buildings. I can see it all. I grab your hand tighter and pull you against me.
I'm scared. I don't want you to know it, but I can't help wanting you near. Your smell calms my heart and soul. I need it as much as air. Several gunshots stop me in my tracks. The end is near. The clock is ticking it's last seconds. I hug you, you look me in the eyes and dance through my arms - up and down. Our breaths are quick and you almost seem to shiver besides me. Don't take him away. I want to scream, but I'm afraid one single word will take you away - far away - from me.
I hold you tightly in my arms and you smile. A beautiful smile, the same which stole my heart away on that sunny summer day. My lips part themselves. The words fighting for some sense and, suddenly, I feel it, the sudden gush of wind, the cold wave rushing through my hair, and I know it... Time's up.
You smile and your eyes almost seem to shine. That smile is completely and utterly mine. I think to myself. Maybe this is not such a bad way to go since I'm with you. The cold breeze makes you shiver and a loud gunshot echoes through the air as I whisper sweetly in your ear:
"I love you."