Species of Feces: Constipation and Incontinence in the Third MilleniumA Chapter by Corwin McAllister
A criticism of the lack of adequate public restroom facilities in Portland, Oregon.
Civilization is a leading cause of incontinence, even more so than a years-long diet poor in fiber. Supposedly such a diet causes nigh chronic constipation, straining both the sphincter muscles over time, which ultimately results in some pants-shitting gerontology. Which brings us to having to hold it until you can use a restroom, as inevitable a factor of human existence as are death and taxes. Though perhaps more so than the latter. The only place where a restroom is readily available for use when nature calls is at home, and even then a roommate may be sullying it with their own waste disposal endeavors or hygienic pursuits. Elsewhere, though, chances are you're just going to have to clench those butt cheeks and do your little dance until you get a break at work or find a public restroom. Or should I have said "chance upon" one, because if your city is anything like Portland, Oregon, you're suffering from an appalling dearth of them. Hell, we frequently end up buying a coffee at Starbucks or a burger at McDonald's whose patties look suspiciously like the ballast we so ardently wish to drop when a Depends moment ambushes us from the murky depths of our bowels.
Let us imagine a pristine prehistoric day when no one shared our scruples and just pooped whenever and wherever the need to arose, or at the most a short walk away from their Paleolithic domicile, which even in that case wouldn't result in undue stress on the poor sphincter while waiting in line for overpriced mystery meat. Therefore there's a decreased chance of rendering the poor bunghole kaput and eventually having to sport the colostomy bag. A bit oversimplified, I know: even if you're chipping flint to make an adze and can drop a deuce wherever you want to, if you're eating nothing but such constipating goodness as bison meat, you're still going to wind up shaking those clumps out the legs of your leather pantaloons when you attain venerable hoariness. If only we could live in an excretory utopia! Wherein we still have hybrid cars and high-speed Internet, yet it's socially acceptable to drop your drawers and crap on any old sidewalk, roadside, park, or what have you. And you have a diet high in fiber. And that it's rendered sanitary, too. Why, not only good-bye forever incontinence, but such an enlightened society would create jobs and expand the consumer base, thereby saving the economy and bolstering government services through increased tax revenue! A noble and worthy social movement, if I ever there were one.
© 2010 Corwin McAllister
Collected Free Writes