Love

Days

Weeks

Months

Years

I was imprisoned for years

Struggling to survive a battle with my own mind

Losing

My soul slipping into darkness

Leaving me alone with it

It feeds me lies

But I believe them

Because it tells me to

Awakened once again

By the sharpness of my own screams

Piercing the night

The images still fresh in my mind

His voice still ringing in my ear

“You’re worthless”

“You’re stupid”

I believed him

He’d grab me

Pretend “no” wasn’t in his vocabulary

Make me grab him

“Just for a little bit”

No

No

No

He didn’t hear me say no

Or maybe he wasn’t listening

Or he just didn’t care

And for so long

I thought

This is a relationship

This is love

“Why didn’t she fight?”

“Why couldn’t she leave?”

Because it was love

That’s how love works

Maybe I consented

I’m not remembering right

But that isn’t something you forget

All he heard was yes

Sleeping meant yes

Silence meant yes

His forceful grip

Making my body freeze

Like a statue

Repulsed

The itch pinching my nerves

The itch to get away

To run

To fight

To scream

But I couldn’t

Beneath his controlling touch, I was ice

Frozen

Solid

Unmoving

My body was not my own

It was his

He owned me

Played with me at his leisure

And I could do nothing

But lie helpless

Silent tears streaming down

Praying to a God I do not believe in

To end this pain

This suffering

To end me

But that wasn’t love

Isn’t love

Love doesn’t make you do this

Dragging cold blades against my skin

Once

Twice

Three times

Four

The need consuming me

The need to feel

Pain

Anything

Any proof I’m still alive

Love doesn’t make you feel

Hurt

Confused

Angry

Defeated

Hated

Pathetic

Useless

Afraid

Ready to give up

Love doesn’t make you want to die

No

That isn’t love

Love is happiness

It’s caring

Even when you’re so pissed you want to strangle Love

It’s

Seeing Love

Hearing Love

And feeling warm

And safe

Love wants you at your best

And your worst

Love appreciates you

Love understands you

Love supports you

Love will listen to you

When you go on and on

About why you think Albert DeSalvo

Was not the Boston Strangler

Love will call you a nerd

For playing World of Warcraft for hours

Or getting irrationally angry

When someone says Dumbledore’s a nice guy

But then

Love will chuckle

And with an uncontrollable smile say,

“But you’re MY nerd.”

No

Love doesn’t make you want to die.

Love makes you want to be alive.

Author's Note

I know the beginning is similar to a short story I have published. This poem actually happened by editing that story. I also added a couple stanzas since I first published it. Please, let me know if they do not flow correctly.

Reviews

[wordman]

sounds like a bad controlling relationship,time to move on

[Coyote Poetry]

Very nice flow of thoughts led to good ending.
"Love doesn’t make you want to die.
Love makes you want to be alive."
I agree with the above lines. Love should make us content. Thank you Alex for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Shaun Gurmin]

I like this. At times it is so cold, dark and biting, and others so warm.

You also create some great rhythms with the one-word sentences.

Good work, keep writing.

[ApDunamis]

Aww this is powerful and their are women who could relate and be inspired by this. One thing is clear about love, it is patient, kind, honest, more than physical and forgiving. I hope you get to experience love. Best.

[Gina]

Pain. I know it is horrible, tiring, and makes you hopeless. It leaves you scarred. I hope that one day this will pass. You have the strength to overcome the obstacles that may arrive. Your style of writing is unique and interesting. Continue to write!

[Relic]

Sorry you had to be subjected to all of that. Some guys just don't get it. Love is caring and companionship.

Good writing.