Not Long Enough

“Long, too long, America,” he said to me. I hadn’t seen him in years, it had indeed been too long. But it also had not been long enough. He looked at me with the same blue eyes, the same stubble on his chin. I saw no sign of growth, of change, of maturity. He was the same child I had known three years prior. It had not been long enough. I always pictured bumping into him on the street, or seeing him in a cafe years after leaving. I always saw a much more matured man, no longer childish but with his sense of humor still intact. Perhaps I would fall in love with this new man, perhaps not, but looking at the man standing before me, I do not see the man from my fantasy. Then again, they never are. It had been too long, yet not long enough We exchange small talk and then I leave once more. Perhaps one day it will have been long enough.

Reviews

[Ethan]

Grammar corrections/optional edits:

“Long, too long, America,” he said to me. I hadn’t seen him in years. It had indeed been too long. But, then again, it had not been long enough. He looked at me with the same blue eyes, the same stubble on his chin. I saw no sign of growth, of change, of maturity. He was the same child I had known three years before. I always imagined myself bumping into him on the street, or seeing him in a cafe years after I left. Though, in my dreams, he was much more mature, no longer childish (save his playful sense of humor). Perhaps I could have fallen in love with this new man, perhaps not, but as I looked at the face before me, I did not see the person from my fantasy. It had been too long, yet not long enough . We exchanged small talk and then I left once more. Perhaps one day it will have been long enough.

Comments:

Okay, I like your writing style for the most part.
However, your use of the word "man" gets a tad redundant. In general, try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence, or, if possible, in the same piece. You change verb tenses halfway through, not including the dream flashback, which threw me off. I corrected it in the edit, but you could choose to keep the story in the present as well.

Overall, it feels a bit rushed and it would help the reader if you could identify the characters. Other than that, I appreciate the conflict you attempted to create, and I enjoyed it.

[Alexzandera]

Thank you for actually giving me some tips! It's very frustrating to get unhelpful reviews.

[Ethan]

No problem!

[madeline]

this is one of those pieces that you will remember at some point in your life, and will suddenly be forced to see yourself aligning with this writing. impressive.

[Carol Cashes]

I think this is complete. It's what I call a little "slice of life" piece. A chance encounter, an inconsequential event that spurs deeper thought.
I liked it. The final line defines the entire piece.

[JayG]

A snippet of prose in which an unknown person, in an unknown place for an unknown reason, talks about someone we know nothing about, who they knew in an unknown way the past.

Informative, in the sense that isolated facts are informative. But stories entertain. And that takes a significant bit of specialized knowledge to make work.

You might want to look into the tricks of writing fiction. Your local library's fiction writing section can help.

[Alexzandera]

Instead of telling me to "find a book" perhaps providing suggestions would be more constructive and less rude.

[JayG]

So it's rude to grant your wish and look at the piece and react? My job is to point out the problems, not be your teacher. Your job is to learn the craft of the writer, which is very different from the kind of writing you learned in school.

In fact, if you were wanting advice on how to "fix" the piece," I can''t. Doing so would require about seventy-thousand words. In other words, a book on the nuts and bolts issues of creating scenes and linking them into a coherent story

They offer four year college degrees in fiction writing, and the field has been under development for centuries. So get rid of the idea that someone can say, "Do this instead of that, and make you into a writer. It's a difficult and demanding field, one that takes time, study, and practice to master.

But since you want something more specific than to choose books that appeal from the section of the library filled with books on the subject, here's one:

Pick up a copy of Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer, on Amazon. Then spend at least two weeks reading it, with lots of time for thinking about and practicing each point as it's raised, so as to make the knowledge yours.

It's not an easy book, it was written by a professor. But it is the best I've found.

[Alexzandera]

"Your job is to learn the craft of the writer." I was unaware this was an obligation that I have. Thanks for enlightening me.

[JayG]

Instead of being snarky, think. Your reader has been seeing pretty much ONLY professionally written, and polished work all their life. And that's the lens through which they look at yours.

Let's take that a step further: Remember all the essays and reports you wrote in school? That was to give you skills a future employer will require. And employers almost always want nonfiction writing skills that are designed to inform. So that's all you were taught.

But fiction is designed to entertain, so with a different objective there are different techniques. Learn them or not. The choice is yours to make. No one will make you do it. But if you don't, no matter how you may try, nothing will change, because you can't fix problems you don't recognize, or use the tool you don't know exists.

You did ask, after all. And in this case, the one you asked is a multi-published author, and someone who owned a manuscript critique service. That says nothing about my skill, other than that I've been through the process, and that people are willing to pay for my writing, which means I must be doing at least a few things right.

I won't tell you HOW to write, only point out problems. Acquiring the knowledge of how to fix them is your job—should you choose to accept it.

I'll just wish you luck with your writing career and head for bed.

[Alexzandera]

I write for myself, not for readers. Any read request I send is merely to get input on how I can improve as a writer. Writing makes ME happy. I don't write to please others.

[JayG]

If you write for yourself why did you ask me to critique it? If you write for yourself why did you post it?

Obviously, you would like people to read and like your work. But apparently you're not willing to take the step of becoming a writer. And that's not the best way of learning anything.