Psychopath

Um... Probably one of the creepiest pieces i've ever written o.o.. oops?

He watches her through

Silver shadowed eyes,

He hears her every breath

And her breathless sighs.

 

He follows the taste of

Her rhythmic blood flow,

Following the hunger for soft flesh

And a thirst for blood only he would know.

 

He stalks the arousing curiosity

Of how it may feel to touch her skin,

He walks calmly after her

Dying to commit this blood-lust-sin.

 

He prowls behind her silently

Through dark alleys at night,

Following her perfumed scent

Chasing her out of sight.

 

He watches her through

His killer pale eyes,

He listens to her last breath

And bristles excitedly as she dies.

Reviews

[naznaz]

Hi,
I really wanted to read this, as I like the slightly eerie poems.
In regards to the atmosphere I feel it had been created very well. The poems comes across slightly unnerving and the imagery conjured is effective, particularly the first and third stanza, which I really enjoyed.
I like ‘He hears her every breath, And her breathless sighs..’, it’s almost like getting into the head of the character that you have created. Sometimes however I feel the poem is removed from this ‘psychopaths mind’ to a third person and sort of flits back and forth. I think it would be more effective if the author and the ‘psychopath’ are one of the same.
Also, not really a criticism, but as a preference, I think this would be an amazing poem if it wasn’t so structured. If it was broken and not as rigid, I think it would give it an air of breathlessness, heightening the eeriness. You know, the eagerness of ‘psychopath’, like you’re inside the characters head. The fragmented thoughts of someone a little crazy.
Overall however I still very much liked the poem. It was very good!

[Arundass TP]

This is a powerful way of expressing psychic abnormalities. Great poem.

[Spirit Of Poetry]

It is quite good you know?

[BThomvanWart]

Reading this put me into the headspace of what I'd like to refer to as the "classic killer." y'know, like the original My Bloody Valentine or Bates Motel, along those lines. I like the fact that the style you've written this is shattered. Very much like someone driven to do one thing and one thing alone, but I do have to say this is a bit of a pitfall as well. The last stanza and the fourth one, I think, need some more cushion between them. Perhaps you wanted to make this into a mysterious, jack-the-ripper-vibing poem, but I would say that adding an additional stanza would create much more mystery and depth to the piece. I hope I made sense to you! Overall, great piece, but could definitely be better! :)

[Patrick B Vince]

well written, I to am a writer of the macabre and questionable. Nothing wrong here mate, don't forget to pick you teeth.

[Anonymous111]

I love this! I really would like to get more of an insight on the character but then at the same time, it leaves mystery. I would definitely read a longer version with more detail x

[UndeadWill]

I usually enjoy a style and subject like this but what you were attempting was a psychological creation of personal emotions mostly fear guiding your pen. As if its a really bad slasher film made for its shock value only. I feel its lacking the psychological thriller aspect that I enjoy.

In other words. Yes, the mad man cuts as does the wolf in the wild savagely tear its prey apart. But still it remains why does he cut? Why does he do what he does? Is it out of lust, pain, or the reality that damages his reality. I feel you starching the surface of what scares us. However you have found the beast of the wild. A beast and monster who kills as is it's nature but you are lacking the aspect that applies especially to slashers alone which is the mental aspect which I feel you completely ignored.
Your are close but not quite there.

[Adora.xo]

I really appreciate your feedback! Though, this poem is a few years old, and I don't plan to come back to it or use it in any way any time soon, if at all; I will keep your criticism in mind. However I would like to point out that I did not, four years ago when I wrote this, intend it to be a "psychological thriller", just a quickly scribbled down poem. You seem to know what you're talking about, and you seem well read, as such I'd very muchl enjoy hearing your critiques on my more recent poems. :] Thanks for your time!

[UndeadWill]

Any suggested reading?

[Adora.xo]

Erm well anything that catches your attention really :)

[UndeadWill]

Will do.

[The Half-Blood Princes]

Alright, well this one's filled with logical contradictions. "Silver shadowed eyes"- what does that mean? Are his iris' silver? Is he wearing silver eye shadow? How can shadows be silver? Similarly, later on you say he has "killer pale eyes" by which I assume you mean he's a killer with pale eyes (which means...?) as opposed to the eyes being the killers all along.

Now, tell me, how does one sigh breathlessly? Sighing itself is exhaling. The two lines "He stalks...touch her skin," don't work together- how can you stalk an idea? He could stalk HER, with her being the "arousing curiosity", but he can't stalk his own thoughts.

And you can tell your poem has a few rhythmic errors when it takes the reader four stanzas to figure out it actually has a rhyme scheme.

Good premise, interesting and genuinely pretty tense. But put some thought into what you're actually saying.

-Half Blood Princes

[Adora.xo]

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for the review. It's refreshing to get actually receive some FEEDBACK! Secondly, I'd like to say I wrote this about 3 years ago, and as such I was still exploring my creativity. Now, let's address the few things you pointed out.

The silver shadowed eyes, should have had a comma between silver and shadowed or something similar to allow the reader to understand that they are silver eyes, that are shadowed. There is no implications that the "shadows" themselves are silver. Now, the color silver can symbolize sharpness, acute awareness, or it could in fact just be a color of the mans eyes if taken literally. Seeing as you are taking it literally I'll assume that his eyes are in fact silver. Once again, I wrote this three years ago so I can not say for sure if that was my intention or not. As far as the "pale eyes" go later on in the poem, I can understand the contradiction you see there, but pale could also symbolize lifelessness, and doesn't necessarily need to be taken literally. But you seem to be a literal kind of person, so I can completely understand you taking it literally. However, the over-all tone of "pale eyes" is more emotional, ambiance-related, than it is actual description of a person. I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that in a lot of poetry it is difficult to analyze the piece at hand when taking everything literally, there are many non-literal things that come into play when it comes to some poetry.

As far as sighing breathlessly goes, thank you I do know that when sighing you are exhaling, which in turn leaves you breathless. As such, the sighing breathlessly could be the foreshadowing of her inevitable death. Death definitely leaves one breathless, I'd say. But, once again, I wrote this three years ago, and so I can't be quite sure. I do see, that is one takes breathlessly, as panting breathlessly, then the sighing part wouldn't make any sense.

Also the lines "He stalks the arousing curiosity
Of how it may feel to touch her skin," are not so difficult to understand I'd say. Once again, there is no need to take a POEM literally, they aren't all stories, and they aren't all literal, more metaphoric in their nature. In that line I believe it makes it evident that his "arousing curiosity" of how it "may feel to touch her skin" is what is driving him to do this deed that he is set out to do. And as such, it is safe to say, that in a non-literal way, he is stalking that curiosity, because that is what is pulling him towards her. Now I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you, but in my head, sane or insane as it may be at times, it makes quite a bit of sense.

Lastly, the rythm I will gladly fidget with, and keep in mind when I write my other pieces, I know sometimes it may sound normal when I'm writing it, but it's better to hear it from someone else if it does in fact work or not.

Thank you very much again!

[Adora.xo]

And pardon any grammar related or spelling errors, I'm on a lot of medicine right now and fighting strep throat and a cold.

[Pax]

indeed creepy and dark, enjoyed it.

[Iota]

Darkness falls on this killer poem. I like dark poems and poems that dive into feelings or emotions. This one had a touch of suspense and spookiness to it. Very well done.