The Porch

A short story I'm working on about this good guy turned murderous....

On that night I only remember two things being cold and death... As I saw my lover make love to another the heart I had was no longer there... A heartless man I became never again shall I love again.... And there I left them drench in their blood laying on top each other like Romeo and Juliet.... A ending that was well fitting for them though I knew she was stepping out on me, my Juliet.... Her last breath that she took was wasted on a kiss that she gave me... Sadly she meant... it I could tell by the way she pressed her lips against mines as she slowly drifted into her eternal sleep... Wearing a nightgown that I have gave her.... Silky red with fine lacing around the edge an a robe to match.... My Juliet was beautiful in her death and I a monster that has risen from within.... Once a civilian now transformed into a murder of love.... At least I thought

Author's Note

Tell me how do you all feel about this... The good, the bad, and the ugly I want it all... Please tell me if this story is worth pursing???

Reviews

[R Smith]

I think you could take this further, bring in a prequel to get us into this part of the story and get more graphic on the murder front, so what i'm saying is this makes a good skeleton now put some flesh on the bones, a very good story in the making :)

[mattefox]

No idea where you could go with this, it is wonderful as it is, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious to see what you do with it! I definitely want to read more!

The only criticism I have (this could just be my personal opinion) is regarding the very first sentence "On that night I only remember two things being cold and death", although I did understand after reading it over, "being cold and death" doesn't seem to work if you know what I mean?

Otherwise, really creative and enjoyable! Write more!

[Alex Boyd]

Thanks and I too do not know where I am going... Maybe on that first line I should had said "On that night I only remember two things being cold and seeing death." Also nice pic

[Melissa]

this story is AWESOME! well what I've read so far is. Does he go and become a man who kills his lovers? have you already thought about what will happen next? when you finish i want to read it !

[Alex Boyd]

I have then I haven't to tell you the truth it's a mystery to me... But thanks for the review and the advice...

[Laura Lynn]

it sounds like the girl's good at the kiss too, lucky for her, though I guess not if this story has a moral

[a's post]

I think this is very impressive and very descriptive I loved it but I think I found an error on it when you said "Sadly she meant it", think after that there should be a coma.

[Alex Boyd]

Thanks, I do have trouble with grammar I've been looking for an editor who'll edit my writing haven't found one... You wouldn't know one by the chance would you???