Two Halves: chapter 18

chapter 18.... lalala

 Darris leapt to his feet and sprinted through the door. Nicolas looked to Zeckle and Bestalel, who were both already speeding to the doorway. Nicolas scrambled to his feet and followed. They ran through Darris’s office, and came to rest outside on one of the catwalks. Darris was leaning over the rails listening to one of his comrades on a lower level.

 

“Signal came in ‘bout two minutes ago, sir." yelled a solider carrying a radio pack. The large broadcasting radio dominated his pack, and an antenna extended several feet into the air."Watchers up river spotted gunboats. They were top model, looks like a Salex raid.”

 

“Get the word out to the base. This could be just a patrol, but to be safe get the shields ready,” Darris called to the solider, who pulled the pack off his back. He began turning a crank on its side. Lights began to flash on its surface, and static began to play through the speaker. The solider pulled a mic from a strap on the pack and began to speak into it. Intercoms blared into life across the complex.

 

“Possible raid, I repeat possible raid. Commence defense plan alpha! Commence defense plan alpha!” roared the metallic voice of the speakers. People around the base began to run around frantically. People leaped into turrets seats, and soldiers climbed across rope bridges in their urgency.

 

“Look this way, I think yall will like this.” Darris pointed towards the edge of the base. In the black water surrounding the base were several spires sticking up out of the oil. On top of each was a enormous scroll each made of brown crinkled paper. Several people were climbing down towards these spires. They reached the small platforms on top and kicked over the scroll; which unfurled to reveal huge runes painted on their paper surfaces.

 

The runes began glow a pale white, and then bubbled out and expanded around the spires, and continued to spread around the base. Nicolas looked behind him to see similar bubbles expanding on the opposite side. The bubble stopped halfway along the main bridge to the garbage island. Where soldiers were hurrying villagers across the pathway and into the base.

 

Out over the black sea a dull roar started. Nicolas squinted out over the water. Around a bend in the river a boat turned out onto the main channel. Several more boats follow it; there were six in total. They hovered about two feet above the old on a soft cloud on blue energy. Their smooth surfaces were covered with turret ports, all pointed at the base. The lead boat stopped in front of where they were standing. A screech of feedback rang out over the complex.

 

“This is a Salex Corp sanctioned security team. We have come to believe that you are harboring a dangerous rebel known as The Alchemist. Hand him over and we shall leave your base unharm---“  the voice was drowned out by a even louder one. Darris had somehow acquired a radio pack and was yelling into the mic.

 

“Bugger off, you b******s! You think we are just going to hand over an ally. If you want him, come and get em!” Darris threw down the pack and smiled at Nicolas.

 

“Guess this means we’re allies now.” he said as he stretched out his hand. Nicolas shook it and smiled back, but the shake was interrupted by a sudden explosion that rocked the base. The gunboats had opened fire on base; each gun port blazed white hot from plasma discharge. Ripples of energy expanded out from the points of impact on the force shell. On the bottom of the scrolls the paper began to curl and crumble. Flakes of burnt paper fluttered onto the oil. The progress of the damage was slow, but it was there. They couldn’t hold out forever.

 

“Open fire! All pressure cannons! Open fire!” yelled Darris. The turrets swiveled and pointed towards the boats, and began to fire on the gunboats. Columns of compressed liquid nitrogen erupted from the turrets, and passed through the force shell  impacting the boats. Liquid nitrogen spread out over boats. Frost began to form on the boats surfaces, and they fell slightly in altitude from the push of the cannons, but otherwise seemed unperturbed.

 

“D****t!” muttered Darris. He picked up the radio box and began to crank the lever once more. “Activate defense protocol Blazing River. I repeat Blazing River.” He looked up to the top of his office. A man was suddenly standing on the roof next to the flag. He was holding a large chain. Each end had a small incense burner. One contained a small neon green flame, the other blue, and each was venting large amounts of colored smoke.

 

He began to chant, and swing the two burners around himself. They left steams of smoke that hung in the air. He spun faster and faster, and the smoke took on intricate shapes. The smoke painted symbols in the air. Then his unintelligible chanting suddenly became words.

 

“Lord of fire hear my plea. Chase back the fire from my home. Burn my enemies turn them to ash. Let the sea turn ablaze.” chanted the man. He wasn’t an ordinary mage. His magical aura was far too powerful for that. It blazed above him in ribbons power. The man was a pyromancer.  They were mages that stored large amounts of magic within themselves and distilled it into incense. Then were able to utilize this incense to put out much larger amounts of magic than they would normally be able to do. The stopped his turning and the smoke hung in the air.

 

The smoke ruins suddenly expanded out from him growing larger. When they hit the force shell wall surrounding the base they began to diffuse across its surface. The wall momentarily glowed a bright orange then returned to normal,

 

“Ok, Sparky has the flame shield up. Turn this place into hell.” spoke Darris into the radio pack. A few moments later several explosions launched oils from the lake high into the air. Several of the globules burst into flame and reimpacted the lakes surface. Then the lake burst into flame.

Reviews

[Aggie Skeleton]

FIRE!!!!! Sorry, phiromaniac. The opening and closing need work, but I am still in love with the story.

[Domenic Luciani]

The first line feels like it shouldnt have been separted by a chapter.
the dialogue could use some rebuffing in a few areas, but otherwise not too bad.
the regular grammar stuff.
I would say work on your opening and closing sentances.

[Daniel Gardner]

Nice write> I love good stories and for me they are really hard to find. This one is a rare find. Still need to polish somethings up and dialog. In your dialog makes sure you give each character a way of speaking that is unique to them. Great job.

[Dutch Jr.]

Good job here. Like your description of the atmosphere and the action.

[James Watts]

“Signal came in ‘bout two minutes ago, sir. Watchers up river spotted gunboats. They were top model, looks like a Salex raid.” yelled the solider. He carried a radio pack on his back.(“Signal came in ‘bout two minutes ago, sir! yelled the soldier with a radio clipped to his pack. "Watchers up river spotted gunboats! They were top model, looks like a Salex raid!” This would read a bit cleaner.)

“Get the word out to the base. This could be just a patrol, but to be safe get the shields ready.” Darris called to the solider, (“Get the word out to the base. This could be just a patrol, but to be safe get the shields ready,” Darris called to the solider, )

He began turn a crank on its side.(He began turning a crank on its side.)

The solider pulled a mike (did you mean mic as in microphone? Hope so, sounded like he has a guy named Mike in his pack)

“Bugger off you b******s! (“Bugger off, you b******s! )

Not bad. There were a few more pieces of dialogue that could have used and exclamation. Also, most of the sentences are short and simple. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with a simple sentence, a work of prose can be dull if that is all it is constructed of. Try mixing in a few more complex sentences to give the story a little spice. Overall, not a bad read. Keep up the good work.

[Miss Coral]

Great chapter, once again. You had a perfect amount of description, enough to allow the reader to visualize without it disrupting the flow of the story.

Great job! :)