The 16th feeling

A Story by ambivalent

A letter to the one who left me with an untouchable void

the 16th feeling

i woke up with a heavy heart and it's now heavier than ever before. i feel like there's a void inside of me and i know exactly who left it. i have these terrible emotions of desperation and angst and almost hate. we don't talk much anymore which adds to the oddity of missing you so bad. i wasn’t missing you last night or last week but i woke up with the bittersweet memories we made on my mental... but you moved on and i moved on and for just a split second i saw you platonically, but now you're only a poison to me. a plague to a light heart and a careless mind but i have given you the privilege of ruining that today and i can't even be mad because you’ve been so damn good to me lately. you've been so different and maybe that's what it is. maybe that night, that early morning of my birthday there were embers of what we once had, and the words you spoke breathed air onto them and i guess they ignited something i've never felt for you. something i never knew i had. what happened… hopefully i'm over this tomorrow but hopefully you tell me you feel the same way but hopefully, if we're lucky, we'll never ever see each other again because what we have is a contradiction itself. a question with an answer i'm thirsty for but this craving i have for you cannot be fed, not today not tomorrow not in a year, because i know you won't be around for long. the only guarantee i'll have is that you won't stick around long enough to fall in love with me. i want you bad, so bad but i know you don't want me anymore and i can't have you. maybe you were right when you told me that i'd get attached, and i wasn't attached until now, wonder why. time heals all wounds but this time away from you has cut deeper than you know. it's such a confusing thing, what i feel. how on earth have i gone this long without feeling the need for you and then all of a sudden it's like i'm learning how to live a new life without you by my side, even when you weren't there in the first place. it's a minor heartbreak but you have no idea that this is happening inside me right now. i wonder what it'll be next time i see you. will i confess this or will i hide behind my smiling eyes, the eyes that are meeting with your eyes, the eyes that melt my heart and give me butterflies and make me feel all these lovely things i never wanted to feel, i never asked to feel damn it, the same eyes that make me tall and pretty are the same eyes that have given me these empty feelings of despair and worthlessness. i don't get what you do because if we're being really honest, i know so many people who could treat me better but somehow, some way you've crawled your way into my soul and built this beautiful mansion and left it empty. it's a big house with windows and lights and you can see so many things inside but there's no way in because you left it locked up, it's colder in there every day and the cobwebs are clouding up the crystal and, the lights are only getting lower, i want in, i want you in, but i want so much more than that. i want someone better and i know they're out there but damn this sucks f*****g donkey a*****e i want you to feel what i'm feeling. i never loved you and i never will love you because you never let me. god damn i would have done anything for you and you didn't even see it.