Fighting Inevitability

I can write a poem in 5 mins without trying but then spend an hour on the title. *grumbles*

i wanna be better faster stronger smarter
then i wont hurt any longer
maybe if i become good enough
it will be like she never left  
never walked out the door
to be seen never more
maybe if i strive to be a better man
i will be able to show her and stand
proclaim that i am worthy of her time
but that is like wishing for the divine
i am just a simple minded boy
and no matter what i employ
 i will never be good enough to deserve her
but be that as it were
im still gonna try
until the day i die
to improve my standing in her heart
even if its doomed from the start

Reviews

[Amanda Crandall]

Great, you have a powerful emotion, and you are very raw and honest in it, but because it's stated so bluntly I have problems relating it to the voice and just not thinking of my own experiences of the subject. You could help this by adding something intimate between the two people where the voice relates a subject that is unique to the both of them. I enjoyed reading thank you for posting.

[Jills]

I really like this

The feeling of wanting someone, of wanting to change, to be good enough and wanted with the empty feeling of realization that no matter what happens you'll never be good enough

The flow is good and the rhyming scheme great, but what has me bothered is the first line where you have the four words "better faster stronger smarter" one right after the other without any separation. I don't know what exactly, but i think that part is a little off.

Glad to see you writing :D but one can only wonder what has inspired the write, whether it be a thought or an actual feeling. Thanks for sharing

[Elanra]

This one is a deep impact... I left me with a ache in the heart and clenched teeth. It sure is unbelieveably solid and strong for a spontaneous write. It has excellent rhymes and it never once loses the flow of emotions.

Every time i read something u write, it leaves me speachless... And then i cant help feeling you either take yourself very lightly or you really have no idea how good you are at this...

Thanks for sharing. It gets a 95 from me... 5 points down cus i (very) rarely rate something 100 xD