HER

HER

A Poem by Acucena G.
"

Its about someone who fell in love with a wrong person.

"


<>

you are in love with HER

       My being only wants to feel like her

       Sometimes I want to disappear

       Maybe there I will encounter pride


you only take me as a friend

       Everytime I show my love

       you pretend that you are not interested

        Each sacrifice I make you let sink


you are slave to Her

       She commands you as a dog

       you pride is gone

       You are nothing but a toy to her


you are my best Friend

      My body supports you

     but my heart kisses you 

     Poor me that fell in love with a friend

© 2013 Acucena G.


Author's Note

Acucena G.
I hope you comment and give me notes . Thanks for reading

My Review

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Featured Review

I do understand what you were going for here, and I must say that your format interests me, but I've spotted a few things I feel don't belong or are said a little oddly. They are as follows:

"The worst part is to be in love with you
Why?"-------------This sounds odd, so how about saying, "Why is the worst part being in love with you?" Or something along those lines.

"My being only wants to feel like her
Sometimes I want to disappear
Maybe there I will encounter pride"------First of all, you've changed tenses. It goes from, "you," to, "her," which isn't necessarily the correct way to write. (Although, of course, poetry has no rules...though I'd stick to correct grammar). Second of all, "my being only wants to feel like her," sounds strange, so why not trying to say, "My whole being aches for her," or something like that. The last line, "maybe I'll encounter my pride," would fit better if you changed it into something that connects with the last sentence and finises a thought so that its something like, "because maybe there I'll encounter my pride."

"Everytime I show my love
you pretend that you are not interested
Each sacrifice I make you let sink"------------Everytime should be every time. Now again, the last line is standing on his own and doesn't connect, so I'd suggest changing it to something like, "and because of that, each sacrifice I make...you let sink." No matter the change, some punctuation should be added between make and you. You could also say something like, "Each sacrifice I make for you, you let sink."

"She commands you as a dog
you pride is gone
You are nothing but a toy to her"-------"She commands you as a dog," is the combination of two different grammatical sentences, which results in an incorrect mash-up of the two. Because of this, I'd suggest either saying, "she commands you," or, "she treats you like a dog." Next, "you pride is gone," should be, "your pride is gone." And lastly, I think you should add the word and in right before you on the last sentence to lob the two in together.

"My body supports you
but my heart kisses you
Poor me that fell in love with a friend"-------I think you should say it this way, because it seems to make more of an impact: "My body supports you
And my heart kisses you,
but poor me, I fell in love with a friend." This fixes the grammatical errors and corrects the flow.

Anyhow, this was a pretty good freethrow, my girl. Keep writing because I really love your stuff!!! (By the way, sorry if this has to much nitpicking...I'm a perfectionist. :P)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Riley bray thank you very much, it was helpful to me, i will work on that.mwah
Riley Bray

10 Years Ago

Any time! :)



Reviews

I do understand what you were going for here, and I must say that your format interests me, but I've spotted a few things I feel don't belong or are said a little oddly. They are as follows:

"The worst part is to be in love with you
Why?"-------------This sounds odd, so how about saying, "Why is the worst part being in love with you?" Or something along those lines.

"My being only wants to feel like her
Sometimes I want to disappear
Maybe there I will encounter pride"------First of all, you've changed tenses. It goes from, "you," to, "her," which isn't necessarily the correct way to write. (Although, of course, poetry has no rules...though I'd stick to correct grammar). Second of all, "my being only wants to feel like her," sounds strange, so why not trying to say, "My whole being aches for her," or something like that. The last line, "maybe I'll encounter my pride," would fit better if you changed it into something that connects with the last sentence and finises a thought so that its something like, "because maybe there I'll encounter my pride."

"Everytime I show my love
you pretend that you are not interested
Each sacrifice I make you let sink"------------Everytime should be every time. Now again, the last line is standing on his own and doesn't connect, so I'd suggest changing it to something like, "and because of that, each sacrifice I make...you let sink." No matter the change, some punctuation should be added between make and you. You could also say something like, "Each sacrifice I make for you, you let sink."

"She commands you as a dog
you pride is gone
You are nothing but a toy to her"-------"She commands you as a dog," is the combination of two different grammatical sentences, which results in an incorrect mash-up of the two. Because of this, I'd suggest either saying, "she commands you," or, "she treats you like a dog." Next, "you pride is gone," should be, "your pride is gone." And lastly, I think you should add the word and in right before you on the last sentence to lob the two in together.

"My body supports you
but my heart kisses you
Poor me that fell in love with a friend"-------I think you should say it this way, because it seems to make more of an impact: "My body supports you
And my heart kisses you,
but poor me, I fell in love with a friend." This fixes the grammatical errors and corrects the flow.

Anyhow, this was a pretty good freethrow, my girl. Keep writing because I really love your stuff!!! (By the way, sorry if this has to much nitpicking...I'm a perfectionist. :P)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Riley bray thank you very much, it was helpful to me, i will work on that.mwah
Riley Bray

10 Years Ago

Any time! :)
I think you are getting somewhere with this! =)

The purple emphasis stands out nicely, especially the language. Your theme of love/pride and blindness/acknowledgement brings a dichotomy to this piece.

Contrasted well. =)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you very much D.Wesley
A heart breaking write- Beautiful feeling laid raw...agree with Sarah I would thicken each # a bit, the feelings convey even if don't pursue the more in-depth...the "right" details are given--deep Ink!!!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you for reading and giving me advice, I really appreciate. One love
Nice! I enjoyed this poem, I like the way you formatted it too, it's different...I like different :) Thanks for sharing this with us!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you very much
Yes, this situtaion can't be good right now, but give it time...you never know. Nice.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you , I am over it though
Love is endless thought, I wish I'm out of it.
We have better things to write about but dear friend. This is rather questioning one's ability. You have way better understanding of expressing it.
I must read it again and Gosh! you are better than me.
Sigh! You made me to check your other work as well. I hope you keep drawing wonderful poem with your thoughts flow and keep running brush all over this page to give us opportunity to read some good art (Poem)

Cheers!!
Vikrantsingh Parmar


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

wow , thank you very much for the wonderful words , one love Vikrantsingh
Vikrantsingh

10 Years Ago

You're Welcome
Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

wow, thank you for your wonderful words , and also thanks for supporting my writings.
well, i like the rewrite even better...this is vastly improved!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

quinfinn

10 Years Ago

yep!
Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you very much quinfinn
quinfinn

10 Years Ago

you are welcome, certainly!
vital points made in decisive and short order...very effective and relevant. very good.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you quinfinn
How brutally raw. But then I think we've all been there and that's why it resonates. More of an opening of your soul than a poem. But that's the beauty of poetry, just like people it comes in many forms. Thanks for sharing such a tender part of your heart.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you for your time Kristi
First, I feel your pain here...ugh. Haha.
I'm not one who usually suggests big changes because you know poetry, but here I feel a rhyme or some kind of flow would help here. I didn't know I was even reading a poem at first. Things like getting rid of the hashtags and (as annoying as it is) writing out the full words might help.
Over all this is great, straight forward, and true to the core. I don't know a single person who cannot relate to this piece. Good Job :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Acucena G.

10 Years Ago

Thank you Imara , I wrote it down but I wasn't sure about the format or anything , I will get rid of.. read more
Imara

10 Years Ago

I can't wait to read the edited version :)

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15 Reviews
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Added on May 7, 2013
Last Updated on November 16, 2013
Tags: love, story, romance, fun, teen, poem, sad, happy
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Author

Acucena G.
Acucena G.

Chimoio, centre, Mozambique



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