Life (As it was?)

By Alejandro Manuel Espinoza

0-6

I remember being mystified – looking at things as they ascended – the world seemed so entirely gargantuan. I watched it, being the observational child I was – but didn’t indulge in what I felt wasn’t necessary. Unlike today, when something was new or unheard of, I don’t ever remember being afraid or having that feeling of wobbly legs. I had great affection for people, I was only aware of me and where I went. I was capable of wandering off the path, day dreaming about stories and drawing on every little scrap of paper.

7-12

I began to collect my thoughts and kept them often – I spent many hours alone – and I began to feel I was separate from my surroundings. I connected with things that were not real, and I fabricated people in my own world – perfect and possible. For the first time back then, I felt more negative emotions than ever – but I refused to dwell on them. Naïve and full of love, people received more forgiveness than I would ever think of giving now. Sometimes I think of myself as strongest in heart then, adjusting to life even though it may have been desolate or bleak in the long run. I wonder sometimes that if I had the heart now that I had back then – would I take the future on instead of waiting for it to take me on. Most of my art at this time began to grow into stories and comics – I believed in myself and my best friend – we planned to create video games, just like our favorites, and live the life of creativity.

13-14

I entered high school bearing everything I hoped for on my back. I carried it boldly, I spoke loudly, sometimes thoughtlessly. The concerns of the world were upon me a little more, I indulged in others more than I indulged in myself. My art, for the first time, surprised even me. I was emotional. I needed people and people needed me. I never realized that this was only temporary – the wanting – but I dwelled on it. Still unenlightened, I continued until I encountered something I felt was truly greater than me. I felt that feeling again that I could approach this and hold it – although I didn’t consciously realize it. 

14-15

I began writing stories based on the persona of a significant other – at the time my world became emphasized with the darker side of life – the side I didn’t explore quite so often, despite my fascination with it. When the decision finally came for me to leave my realm of comfort – everything I knew and loved was torn away – and like some prophecy – I returned to the other half of my life, slapped around, red in the face. After a long time of toiling and temporary change – all was silent and I was alone with my craft.

16-17

Now it is hard to tell myself that I act with time. I can only describe my life now as a constricted drift. Sometimes I am beside myself with wonderment. Other times I am truly lost. I embrace the chaos that is life, and the veil that says you will find peace. I am not discouraged when my own agendas reflect dreams that life seems to form a barricade against. When I approach what is unbearable – terrified and shaking – I keep my craft, thoughts, and mindset close. Then I close my eyes.