Compartment 114
Compartment 114
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Rinse

Rinse

A Poem by Aidan Oberholtzer

As the sweet melody exalts my ears, 
 It dissolves all of my worries and fears.
Reality is not hidden, but blessed with the sound,
 My body drifts, my toes stay on solid ground.
Each song is a journey into the mind of the artist,
 The brightest of times, occasionally the darkest.
Nothing could express my gratitude for this high,
 I can thank only Miles Davis and the calm night sky.

© 2016 Aidan Oberholtzer


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I couldn't agree with you more! However well you explored the way music made you feel, you could have definitely branched out in the direction of the night sky a LITTLE bit- (not too much, otherwise you could take away from your main topic.) Used correctly, it could serve as an almost sub-topic, which could add depth and lead to another level entirely for both you and the reader. You could have connected the two, using metaphors, and had a good time comparing and contrasting the two. Given the two topics, it has the potential to be interesting- how are the night sky and music different? How are they the same? Can one help you learn about the other, and vice-versa?

All of this aside, you have a great voice and I really enjoyed reading your poem! And please, keep up the good work.
Happy Reading and Writing,
Firabelle.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Aidan Oberholtzer

7 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism! I agree with what you said. I think I'll try changing i.. read more



Reviews

Miles Davis is legendary! Beautiful poem.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Music, the universal language :) Beautifully told and carried through :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


I couldn't agree with you more! However well you explored the way music made you feel, you could have definitely branched out in the direction of the night sky a LITTLE bit- (not too much, otherwise you could take away from your main topic.) Used correctly, it could serve as an almost sub-topic, which could add depth and lead to another level entirely for both you and the reader. You could have connected the two, using metaphors, and had a good time comparing and contrasting the two. Given the two topics, it has the potential to be interesting- how are the night sky and music different? How are they the same? Can one help you learn about the other, and vice-versa?

All of this aside, you have a great voice and I really enjoyed reading your poem! And please, keep up the good work.
Happy Reading and Writing,
Firabelle.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Aidan Oberholtzer

7 Years Ago

Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism! I agree with what you said. I think I'll try changing i.. read more
Enjoyed reading your poem.
I really liked this:
"Reality is not hidden, but blessed with the sound,
Each song is a journey into the mind of the artist,
The brightest of times, occasionally the darkest."
Music can be therapeutic, comforting the soul
and healing to the mind.
Nicely expressed and well written.

Posted 7 Years Ago


great work!
keep writing :D

Posted 7 Years Ago


yes good music is uplifting just like miles davis.

Posted 7 Years Ago


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This is a sweet, calm and lovable write. Good flow and choice of words.

Posted 7 Years Ago


The conclusion totally made the read... Unusual and unexpected!

Posted 7 Years Ago



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250 Views
8 Reviews
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Added on July 16, 2016
Last Updated on July 16, 2016

Author

Aidan Oberholtzer
Aidan Oberholtzer

Lancaster, PA



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