1. Iffy SubjectsA Chapter by halflives Warning of absolute bonkers-ness. *Jocelyn Sterling, Megan Soul, Mayisha Khan, and I (Olivia Smith) are tied up individually in a dark room. There’s only a dim, fading light swinging above us, and there’s an unseen figure holding a gun to Megan’s head*
Me: Great. Just peachy. Why is it always us?
Gunman: SHUT UP!
Megan: WOULD YOU POINT YOUR GUN AT SOMEONE ELSE?!
Gunman: *points his gun at Mayisha*
Mayisha: Just flupping perfect. Thanks, Megs.
Megan: *cheerfully* You’re welcome~
Jocelyn: Shouldn’t the police be here?
Me: I don’t think they know we’re missing.
Jocelyn: Why’s that?
Me: WELLLL we’re not exactly registered citizens, with us flying around all the time, right?
Jocelyn: …true.
Mayisha: YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! I OWN A CHAINSAW AND AN MP5!
Gunman: *hesitates* Do you have them with you?
Mayisha: …no.
Gunman: THEN IT CAN’T DO ANY LONG-DISTANCE DAMAGE, CAN IT?!
Me: *whines* WHERE’S THE DOCTOR!?
Jocelyn: Him and the Master always disappear at the times when we need them…
Megan: DON’T DISS MY BOYFRIEND!
Mayisha: Megan, you’re a Time Lord. Why aren’t you helping us… namely me… with a gun to my head…
Megan: I’m kinda tied up, Mushroom.
Mayisha: DON’T CALL ME MUSHROOM!! *spazzes*
Gunman: Uh… *turns to me* What do you do to shut her up?
Me: *shrugs* We try to shut her up and she kills us.
Jocelyn: I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
Me: Oh, not again!
Megan: The last time you had to go to the bathroom, Olivia basically died from boredom waiting to be rescued!
Jocelyn: You WOULD mention that.
Megan: Eh, it’s in my job description.
Mayisha: Seriously, where’s the FBI? Or the CIA?
Jocelyn: Err… Lunch break?
Me: THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME TO HAVE A LUNCH BREAK!!
Jocelyn: Just saying.
Mayisha: What are we going to do? How are we going to kill this guy? *gestures to the gunman*
Megan: *whispers* We could--
Gunman: …I’m right here you know.
Megan: SHUT UP WHILE WE’RE TRYING TO KILL YOU!
Me: Violent spasm much.
Megan: SHUT UP TOO, OLIVIA!
Mayisha: No, it’s “you shut up as well, Olivia”.
Megan: SHUT UP GRAMMAR NAZI!
Mayisha: …that’s what I am.
Me: *sighs* Even with a gun pointed to her head.
Jocelyn: But… but…
Gunman: Oh, shut up already! *shoots the wall behind them*
*Everyone shuts up*
Gunman: Thank you. Now, you guys are my ransom. I’m asking for seven hundred grand for you guys.
Mayisha: Uh… the government will probably think it’s a hoax because we’re not exactly registered citizens--
Gunman: There’s got to be someone who knows you!
Me: Nope. It’s just us, along with our boyfriends. *shouts at the ceiling* WHO ARE STILL MISSING BY THE WAY!
Jocelyn: Liv, yelling won’t help…
Me: IT HELPS ME BALANCE MY PANIC ATTACK!
Jocelyn: …Okay, by all means. Scream.
Me: I won’t scream! That will make me look like a crazy person.
Gunman: Isn’t that what you are?
Me: SHUTTTTTT da hell UPPPPPPP!!!! *spazzes*
Gunman: Okay, okay!
Mayisha: I still think the feds will think it’s a hoax.
Megan: Wouldn’t they at least try and contact the kidnapper?
Me: Hold your TARDISes… How did we get here in the first place?
Gunman: I kidnapped you. Duh.
Mayisha: Yeah, Liv. Duhhh.
Me: SHUT UP I’M SLOW! *mutters to herself* Why is it always ME that’s kidnapped…
Megan: You’re so easy to kidnap. Ultra DUH.
Gunman: EEEEEENUFFFFFFFF.
*Everyone shuts up again*
Gunman: The government will pay the ransom, or I’ll shoot every one of you.
Me: Well, you can kill Jos, Mushroom and I, but Megan will just regenerate.
Gunman: Regenerate?
Megan: Liv, that’s an iffy subject with me…
Me: Well, if he’s going to kill us, then he has a right to know that you’re not human.
Gunman: NOT HUMAN?
Megan: IFFY SUBJECTS, LIV, IFFY SUBJECTS!
Jocelyn: I DON’T WANNA DIEEEEEE!!
Me: If he’s going to kill anyone first, he’s going to kill the most confident one first. The one who’s sure they won’t die. He’ll leave the most scared of us for last, so that they can suffer through their friends’ deaths.
Jocelyn: … O.o
Mayisha: But who’s the most confident and the most scared, smart a*s?
Me: *sighs* Obviously, I’m the most confident, and Jos is the most scared.
Gunman: Right. So I’ll kill YOU first. *points gun to my head*
Me: Great. *pauses* Why don’t you shoot Megan first, so that she can regenerate?
Megan: IFFY SUBJECTS!
Me: OH SHUT UP!
Megan: I. WILL. NOT. BE. SILENCED!!
Gunman: Why are you guys so damn loud?
Mayisha: WATCH YOUR PUCKING LANGUAGE, JELLYFISH!
Gunman: I’M NOT A JELLYFISH, JELLYFISH!
Mayisha: *gasps*
Megan, Jocelyn and I: *sighs rhythmically*
Mayisha: *whines* Guys… He called me a pucking JELLYFISH…
Jocelyn: Mayisha, we’ll let you beat him up AS SOON AS WE GET OUT OF HERE.
Gunman: Which will be when the feds pay the ransom note!
Megan: …which will be never.
Mayisha: ’cause they think it’s a hoax!
Me: HOAX! HOAX!
Megan: …this would be a GREAT time for the Master to pop in.
Me: AND THE DOCTOR!
Gunman: *threatens gun* Shut up!
*Gunman’s phone rings*
Me: Oh shizzle.
Mayisha: HEYO, that’s my line! YO, I’m suing.
Me: Shush.
Gunman: *answers phone* Do you have the money. *Puts it on speaker*
Me: *whispers* Oh… this won’t be pretty.
Voice on the Phone: No. We want to confirm that you actually have hostages.
Mayisha: See? Hoax!
Me: …They ACTUALLY called to see if he had hostages?
Megan: What department of the FBI is this?
Voice on the Phone: No, no, this isn’t the FBI. This is Brad from accounting.
Gunman: BRAD? What the [censor]? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?
Brad from Accounting: Well…
Gunman: *hangs up* Shizzle.
Mayisha: YO, I’M SUING YOU TOO!
Gunman: *threatens gun* SHUT UP!
Me: MEGAN, REGENERATE! BLIND HIM!
Megan: IFFY SUBJECTS, OLIVIA SMITH!
Me: I-DON’T-CARE, MEGAN SOUL!
*Gunman’s phone rings again*
Gunman: *puts it on speaker* BRAD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME!
Voice on the Phone: This isn’t Brad (whoever that is). This is Agent Gideon.
Mayisha: GIDEOOOOOON! He’s real?!!
Me: GIDEONNNNNNN!!
Agent Gideon: …
Gunman: As you see, I have hostages. Do you have the seven hundred grand or not?
Agent Gideon: No.
Gunman: *c***s gun* Then I kill them!
Agent Gideon: Do you really want to do that?
Gunman: *hesitates* Actually, yes. They won’t shut up, and it’s getting annoying.
Agent Gideon: No matter how annoying they are, remember, they’re people.
Gunman: I wrote out a ransom note, have a cocked gun, and you want to talk to me about humanitarianism?
Me: Ooh, burn.
Megan: Need some ice for that burn?
Agent Gideon: They sound like they’re working for you anyhow.
Megan: Nope, just pointing out a fact.
Me: Like he’s POINTING A FREAKING GUN TO MY FLUPPING HEAD!
Mayisha: YO, STOP STEALING MY LINES!
Me: I CAN STEAL ALL THE LINES I WANT!
Mayisha: Olivia!
Voices in the Background: *hushes, distorted* We have identified the name of the first hostage.
Gunman: Shut up!
Megan: MY NAME IS MEGAN SOUL!
Gunman: Enough!
Mayisha: MAYISHA KHAN!
Gunman: Stop-it!
Jocelyn: JOCELYN STERLING!
Gunman: STOOOOP!
Me: OLIVIA SM-
Gunman: *shoots my shoulder*
Me: HOLY MOTHER OF RASSILON!
Gunman: *hangs up* We’ll see if they pay the ransom now.
Me: WHY the HELL are you so VIOLENT!
Megan: Mayisha and he are a match made in Heaven!
Jocelyn: Or Hell…
Me: *winces* Good point….
Mayisha: He’s a guy in a mask. How am I supposed to feel attracted to him?
Me: He’s violent. Like you.
Mayisha: *mutters* Totally.
Me: Ow…
Gunman: If you’d shut up, I wouldn’t have shot you, now would I?
Me: Actually, I think you would have shot me anyway. It’s in your nature.
Gunman: *threatens gun* Shut up, or I’ll be forced to shoot you again.
Me: NOT AGAIN.
Mayisha: You realize--
Me: *gets it* SHUT UP MAYISHA!
Gunman: No, wait. What were you going to say?
Mayisha: *looks away* …Nothing.
Megan: *struggles* Can’t you let us go? *puppy dog eyes*
Gunman: *starts towards her* …NO!
Megan: *snaps fingers in defeat*
Jocelyn: *struggles* I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
Megan: Hold it!
Jocelyn: I CAN’T!
Gunman: Fine. *unties her* The bathroom is--
Jocelyn: *slugs him*
Me: Woo! *strains wound* Ow…
Gunman: *points gun to her head* LIAR!
Jocelyn: …I’m trapped, and tied up. What else am I going to do?
Gunman: Lying is a sin. *ties her back up*
Me: Thanks, Jos. That was really helpful.
Jocelyn: I TRIED!
Megan: *smiles helpfully* It was a good try.
Me: NO IT WASN’T!
Jocelyn: SHUT UP OLIVIA!
Gunman: OH, SHUT UP ALL READY!
© 2011 halflivesAuthor's Note
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halfliveswolf's trapAbout❝when you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different. someone better. when that person is taken from you, what do you become then?❞ hi i'm olivi.. more..Writing
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