Unfamiliar Invitation

It's the first thing I think of in the morning, 
Well, right after my coffee and morning piss. 
You wouldn't know, that would you?
How badly my heart writhes to inch closer to something so unfamiliar, 
it's almost familiar?
It's every time I walk down the hall, 
every time I rub my eyes at 4am and slip into filthy shoes, 
every f*****g time I kiss my mother on the cheek, 
and hug my littlest niece. 
Every time I play dinosaurs with my nephew, 
And every time I hang up after a phone call.
It's this feeling I don't belong. 
This consistent blockage in my brain, 
this reminder that I should just run. 
being stationary was never an issue for me, 
and I've never been one to turn someone down. 
I run to the beat of others feet, 
mainly because I haven't learned how to beat down my demons.
And I don't know how to love, 
only how to want, and need...
I don't take chances, 
because I can't balance a faltering lie. 
I haven't figured it out...
And for most, that's okay, 
but I don't want to be just "okay".
I want to have proof that my God still exists within this human realm.
and that when people cry, they will eventually stop. 
The closest I've come to change is the color of my underwear. 
And the most proof I have of the willingness of people is that 
we use each other for our own pleasurable moments. 
And we turn on each other like Raptors during feeding time.
I guess what I'm trying to point out is that change isn't something that takes time. 
It isn't something we can mend, 
or something we can find. 
It's courage. 
And it either happens or it doesn't. 
I can feel it when I drink myself to sleep.
But it's not an invitation I'm willing to accept. 
Not yet.

Reviews

[gsbito]

I feel your words, and I appreciate the way you can say what I feel, but that I could never quite put into words. That feeling that I am a stranger walking in some body's shoes. That feeling that I don't fit into the mold of what others deem as a normal life. I can't experience the surface like they do, I am below that surface. Your's is an excellent post Amber.