The Desire To Feel Whole

The Desire To Feel Whole

A Poem by Anna
"

Hey guys! Sorry for being so inactive. Life has been crazy lately. Here is a poem I hope all will enjoy for it's about the desire to feel loved and whole:)

"
because loneliness is what i feel
its the constant horror of being alone forever
that frightens me into oblivion
and ive tried to fulfill this desire of feeling loved
yet no matter how hard i try, it wont ever be found
so i will continue to travel through this life alone
becuase i give up on trying to escape from this hollow hole
again and again i try to connect but the truth is cold
there is no more trusting from now on, just the old familiar bounds of hell
yet still a small part of my tortured soul cannot let go of that small shred of hope
that lingers instead of me not wanting to go
the path i have traveled has been nothing but tears,
now i must turn to the path full of love
despite all the heartache, i will not leave
because one day, the loneliness will be gone
and happiness is what i will feel



© 2017 Anna



Author's Note

Anna
Ignore grammer and be honest with your feedback

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Yeah, so I really liked this poem, and based on the description, we're kind of in the same position so that's probably why I 'feel' the poem so much. And it's so good to see someone hoping for better days when it's hard for you to picture such a scenario in mind. It actually made me think positively, which inspired me to write a poem after such a long time. Thank you so much.
(I know we should ignore mistakes, but could you correct the word loneliness. It one of the strongest words in this poem and I think it should be written properly.)

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Anna

3 Months Ago

Thank you so much! And oh my I didn't notice that, I'll change it right now:) I'm glad it made you t.. read more



Reviews

Ignoring the errors it was really nice one....

Posted 2 Months Ago


Grammar corrections/optional edits:

Loneliness is what I feel,
the constant horror of being alone
that frightens me into oblivion.
I've tried to fulfill this desire of feeling loved,
but no matter how hard I try, it won't ever be satisfied.
So, I will continue to travel through this life alone
because I will never escape this hollow hole.
Again and again, I try to connect but the truth is cold.
There will be no more trusting for me, I know; just the old familiar bounds of hell.
Still, a small part of my tortured soul cannot let go of the small shred of hope that lingers.
The path I have traveled has been streaked with tears.
Now, I must choose the road of love.
Despite my heartache, I will not leave.
For one day, the loneliness will fall away,
and happiness is what I'll feel.

Comments:

This is nice. I like a lot of the ideas you try to express here. In the edit, I cut things that interrupted flow, fixed spelling and punctuation, and touched up some syntax. Just a couple of things:

1. Don't start sentences with because. It doesn't sound good and it ruins the flow. On top of that, you've got a bit of Yoda-speak in the phrase that follows. "Loneliness is what I feel," as opposed to, "I feel loneliness." Without "because," it flows much more efficiently.

2. You've got some extra words here and there that don't really add anything to your piece. Things like "forever" in the second line. By cutting it, you let your reader in on something much more immediately personal.

3. You use transitional and introductory words, which is great. It's a sign of a good writer. However, much like point number two, you use too many in certain places. For instance, in line ten, you say, "yet still a small part of my tortured soul." "Yet still" is too much. Say either yet or still.

In conclusion, you have a nicely written piece. Work on syntax and grammar, cut some extra words here and there when you write, and avoid using too many transition words in a single place. Good job :)



Posted 3 Months Ago


I understand this poem.
"now i must turn to the path full of love
despite all the heartache, i will not leave
because one day, the loneliness will be gone
and happiness is what i will feel "
The above lines are true. We are alone till we know safe place and people. Thank you Anna for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 3 Months Ago


Yeah, so I really liked this poem, and based on the description, we're kind of in the same position so that's probably why I 'feel' the poem so much. And it's so good to see someone hoping for better days when it's hard for you to picture such a scenario in mind. It actually made me think positively, which inspired me to write a poem after such a long time. Thank you so much.
(I know we should ignore mistakes, but could you correct the word loneliness. It one of the strongest words in this poem and I think it should be written properly.)

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Anna

3 Months Ago

Thank you so much! And oh my I didn't notice that, I'll change it right now:) I'm glad it made you t.. read more

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

74 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Added on July 18, 2017
Last Updated on July 18, 2017

Author

Anna
Anna

Denver, CO



About
Expressing myself through poetry Enjoy and please leave feedback:) more..

Writing
Injured Love Injured Love

A Poem by Anna


Letting go Letting go

A Poem by Anna



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..