Daddy's Best Gift

Written in April 2008... Really quick, there is some funky quotation mark usage (or the lack thereof) in this short story... it was intentional.

               The man unloads his heavy package from the back of his car. This is the best one yet; his little girl will absolutely love it. He drapes the heavy load over his shoulder and slowly walks up the stairs towards his doorstep. A neighbor in passing asks the man how his was day, and what is in the box.

          He says that it was a wonderful day, and that the box has a gift for his little girl. Her birthday is today. The two continue to exchange pleasantries until the woman excuses herself, she is picking her husband up from the train station today.

         The man enters his house and silently walks into the living room, he wants to be able to set everything up before his daughter knows he’s home. He grabs his box cutter from the top left drawn of his desk and begins to slice the box carefully open. He doesn't want to accidentally cut the gift. He laid the box cutter aside and slowly opens the flaps of the box.

        The doll lays curled up in the bottom of the box, whole and uncut. She's beautiful, she's perfect for his little girl. She has white blond hair, a slender waist, and glassy gray eyes. She is a tall doll, around four and a half feet, the perfect size for his daughter to play dress-up with. The same size as his daughter in fact. This time she would like it, this time she would be happy.

         He walked over to the stairs and called to his daughter, quickly she came running down the stairs. “Did you bring me anything?”

          Yes, he said, as he took her hand and led her into the living room, he told her to close her eyes. Father and daughter stood next to each other in the doorway of the living room and he finally said, alright.

          A squeal erupts from the small girls body as she begins to dance around the room. “She’s perfect daddy, absolutely perfect. You can’t even tell that she’s dead!”

Reviews

[Nicolas Papaconstantino..]

I don't think I can add anything to No one's notes... grammar isn't my strong point, anyway, but I instinctively noticed a lot of the points that he has raised.

This is a pretty sweet little piece, though... very sneakily creeping up on the reader, and then ending on it's final reveal sharply, asking more questions then it answers. I don't know who I'm more creeped out by at the end, the girl or her father...

[Sarah Hawkinson]

Haha I liked that. Though I expected the doll to be a real person. A few things I noticed that could be fixed:
"A neighbor in passing asks the man how his was day" I think you mean how was his day or how his day was. Just sounded confusing.
"left drawn of his desk" and this is obvious, it should be drawer not drawn.
But other than those simple mistakes it was fabulous! Keep it up!

[Tenten]

your writing really gets me, it reminds me of the stories i use to create in my head before school started. they are very good. this one made me smile. the content is strong and bold, don't lose that.

I really liked the ending.. it left something for the reader to imagine.

[Ralphy]

Wow, this is great. I thought you were leading there but you know if you didn't use the disclaimer I might not have ventured there. The element of suprise would have overwhelmed me. This indeed was masterful. Excellent.

[Nicole Renee]

Wow, the ending was certainly a twist for me! At first, I thought it was a doll. But it's a dead girl? O.o" I don't know. Lol. This was really good, though. I liked the description of the doll (gray eyes are pretty..so are blue. but not my point.)

-Nicole

[Robert Luna]

A neighbor in passing asks the man how his was day, and what was in the box. (how his day was)

she has picking her husband up from the train station today. (she has to pick)

Awe your twisted imagination at work again. Mmmm Oh how I have missed that. This was a fun read and I could see you expanding on it later if you so wished.

I had a feeling it was going to be something like this or one of those sex dolls that looks like a real porn star. But that is just my sick mind at work. LOL

Great Job!!!!!!

[No one]

The end suggests something much more sinister about this father-daughter combo. I like it. It leaves the rest to the reader's imagination.
One thing I noticed: You join independent clauses with a comma --This is the best one yet, his little girl will absolutely love it.-- If two or more clauses grammatically complete and not joined by a conjunction are to form a single compound sentence, the proper punctuation mark is a semicolon. You can, of course, write them as two sentences, replacing semicolons with periods.
Also: You want to continue using the same tense throughout the paragraph if the action continues. --The man enters his house and silently walks into the living room, he wants to be able to set everything up before his daughter knows he's home. He grabbed his box cutter...--

Nice work!

[[untitled]]

This is good. I think this should be longer!!! I loved that you gave just enough info to get the reader hooked!! Very good.